by Cindy Bokma
I knew we'd settle down for good soon. Time passed; the story of our disappearance died down, hopefully. I was slightly optimistic. As soon as we reached Texas, I bought several newspapers at a bookstore where I sat with a cold drink and spread the papers out while Will drank hot chocolate and looked through a stack of insect books.
I combed through the newspapers, looking for my name. I found a paragraph toward the back of one of the papers with the headline, “Search Continues for Wife and Son of Movie Director, Leo Kubias.” As soon as I finished reading the article, a chill moved down my spine. I looked around the bookstore at the many people reading books, leisurely paging through magazines, and drinking their coffee. Who was watching? Did anyone recognize me? A man in a black tee shirt looked at me and then ducked behind a pile of books. Did he know who I was? Did Leo send him to spy on me? I fought the urge to run out of the double doors and not look back.
At a library in Oklahoma, I used a public computer to search for my name. Nothing came up from the last few days. I deleted my search history and took Will to the kid’s area so he could look at the books, but I worried someone would somehow still see my search and report me to the police.
In our rental car with the air on my face and tinny music pouring out of the radio, I drove with one hand and nervously chewed my fingernails with the other. My eyes darted around, trying to spot cop cars or vehicles with dark tinted windows, anything out of the ordinary that might be Leo.
When I thought Julie was asking too many questions, I got nervous and packed up, checking out a few days early. I woke Will before the sun came up. His face was creased, I had to carry his warm, sleep laden body from the room to the car.
“What’s going on? Where are we . . . ?” he whispered half asleep.
“Off on a new adventure,” I said brightly.
I continued to look at the news and read the papers, watching and listening for any information of Leo and the search. A major news magazine ran a full story on the investigation. Apparently, Leo hired private detectives, which I knew he would inevitably do. I kept my hair shoulder length and dyed it a terrible mud color in the bathroom sink of a hotel in Tennessee. Brown dye lingered around my hairline, looking like a child scribbled a line around my face. I sprayed hair lightener all over Will’s dark hair, which now glowed a pale orange. We both wore ball caps. If the search was focused on a blonde woman with long hair, I wanted to be a brunette with short hair. Back in Los Angeles, contact lenses helped my vision but now I wore black framed glasses. I changed my appearance and knew I needed to keep switching it up.
At a kiosk in a mall in Tennessee I tried on a long, platinum blonde wig made of synthetic hair. “I’ll take it.” I paid the saleswoman and wore it all day. Then I found a large pair of black sunglasses to complete the disguise. Whenever I was in the car, driving the interstates and back roads, I wore the wig. I bought a second wig, a short red one that was unflattering and made my skin look sallow. With black rimmed glasses, I looked nothing like my former self.
“What is that thing for?” Will asked me, pointing to a mound of hair on the passenger seat. We were setting off on yet another long stretch of highway and he leaned over to touch the wig.
“Sit back down. Don’t you like it? Do you want one, too?” I asked.
From the backseat, his voice was loud, he was almost yelling. “No. I hate it. And I hate the car! I want to go home.” He let out a scream and when I looked in the rearview mirror, his red face was a scowl, his fists clenched.
“I know, it’s been a long trip. It’s almost over.” I tried to maintain some patience and gave him a sympathetic smile but he glared at me, causing me to nearly swerve into a car in another lane. They sounded their horn and I held up a hand. “Sorry!”
Will begged, “Stop! I don’t want to be in the car anymore. I hate driving. I hate you! I miss my house, and I want my friends.” He twisted and turned in his seat, pulling on the seat belt.
I pulled the car over then turned around and looked directly at my son. My heart pounded with anxiety, my hands were sweaty. A million thoughts raced through my head, I was nervous and worried. Putting Will through this made me feel terrible, the guilt mounted every day. I tried to do what was best for him but he was too little to understand.
His face was scrunched in a grimace; he refused to meet my eyes. “I hate you,” he said. Will crossed his arms over his chest and stared out the window, at the cars and trucks rushing down the highway. With each passing vehicle, the car swayed.
Looking at Will, my heart skipped a beat and tears welled up in my eyes. Kids liked stability. I threw everything up in the air and now he had no idea what was happening. I rubbed my eyes and tried to steady my breath.
“I want to go home,” he whimpered. I reached to the back and grabbed his hand. It was warm, sticky.
“I’m sorry, it’s been rough being away from home. And away from Dad.” I nearly choked thinking about what we were running from. I licked my lips. “You’ve been so brave and such a good boy. We’re are going to settle down really soon and then no more hotels, no more long car rides, okay?”
He nodded but wouldn’t look at me directly.
“How about a new game for your iPad? Would that help pass the time?”
I hated myself for bribing Will with new games to keep him quiet. He pursed his lips and handed me the iPad. “I want the new mountain climber game. And I want the battle sky one, too.”
I found the games in the app store and paid $4.99 so he could play them. Hopefully the new games would keep him occupied for a while. “Let’s drive for one hour and then we’ll stop where ever you want for dinner, okay?”
His face was still red, angry and he refused to meet my eyes. “I want ice cream for dinner.”
“Okay, whatever you want.”
I started the car again, and turned the music low so the only sounds were the dings and beeps coming from Will’s iPad. My stomach was uneasy and my chest was tight. Once we reached our final stop, things would get better. The travel was taking its toll on Will, I hoped this outburst was not going to repeat itself. He’d been complaining about his stomach hurting, was it because he missed Leo? Or did he miss being home?
We were going to settle down in the town I had picked, a place I remembered from when I was younger and with my parents. But the big question was, could we remain safe and undetected? Would Will be okay? I hoped I wasn’t making a mistake.
Chapter 14
Past
The wedding ceremony was executed in the exact way that Leo envisioned, minus me whittling myself down to a size four.
Lacey Noelle and her team came over and measured and tucked and pinned fabric to my body until she had a clear objective of what the dress would look like. Leo of course, was on hand to offer his judgments every step of the way. He was in between projects and mainly worked from home, so he was always there to direct Lacey as she designed the gown. He was always watching.
“No . . . tighter,” he said, arms folded across his broad chest. “No, that part needs to be fuller . . . not there. Yes, like that. No, no!” he bellowed, directing the designer as she tried to create the flawless attire for me. A pin cushion was secured around her wrist with Velcro. One of her assistants was busy sketching while the other assistant held a water bottle for Lacey.
“Listen,” I said in a trembling voice, always nervous how he’d receive my opinion. “I want something simple, off the rack. No lace or beading, no sequins. This fancy stuff, it’s not me.” I stood on a step-stool as Lacey pinned fabric on me. She hesitated, pins in her mouth, and glanced from me to him and back to me. Then she stood from her kneeling position and dusted off her knees.
“I’ll give you guys a minute,” she whispered, sensing the storm about to rain down. Her light footsteps retreated down the hall. We stood in our bedroom, where the light in the afternoon was the best, filtering through the huge windows.
I bit my lip waiting for his response. My heartbeat sped up.
He stro
ked his chin and gazed at me, silent.
I gazed down at the floor.
He chuckled, and his next words came out a mean bark. “The bodice needs to be snug and the rest of the gown should be tulle. With antique French lace appliqués. I have a vision and I don’t think you understand what I’m after here, Delia. You have to trust me.”
“But I don’t really like this look. No offense. It's not me.”
Slowly my eyes met his. I was the bride and should be excited, yet something gnawed at me. Fear? Maybe. Dread? Nerves? All of it.
I recalled a phone call between myself and Claire from last week. I admitted I was nervous and she giggled. “A case of cold feet?” she asked. “That’s completely normal. I needed Xanax to get through my first wedding. You’ll survive!”
Though I hadn’t worked at Dr. Thurman’s for months, I wanted him and Claire to attend my wedding; they were the only people I knew. I took the invite a step further and asked Claire to be a bridesmaid.
“Do you really want me there?” Claire laughed, her voiced tinged with jealousy. “I might end up stepping in and marrying him myself.”
I brushed off her comment, but my mind crept back to the tone of her voice. Maybe I was being overly sensitive.
“Don’t you think I know what’s best for you, Delia? Don’t forget while you were bagging shampoo at a drugstore, I was directing an award nominated film.” Leo’s eyes flashed. The tone of his voice made me put my head down like a child in trouble. “I think I know a little more than you do.”
I pressed my lips together and turned away from him so he wouldn’t see the tears filling my eyes. As I brushed them from my cheek, he spoke again, this time his voice softened.
“I love you so much and think you are the most beautiful woman in the world. I’m trying to show everyone how stunning you are and maybe you can’t see it but trust me, you look like an angel in that dress. You are my angel.”
The dress was in fact, dazzling, made for my body. Claire was right; this was a case of cold feet, pre-wedding nerves. And the dress, it wasn’t worth fighting about. I loved Leo more than I could love a dress. It was important to him so I needed to push my own desires away.
Taking a breath, I nodded and offered a smile. “You’re right.”
"I'm always right," he said. "Let's finish this up."
At once, he was fun and jovial as he called Lacey and her assistants back in, offering them sparkling water and imported chocolates. My mind spun with all the emotions that swirled through me. I kept my mouth shut, teeth clamped down so hard that my jaw ached as Lacey completed his vision. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing.
“Delia, you are nearly perfect,” he said, holding his arms open to me when I was finished with the fitting. “You are going to be the most beautiful bride in the world.” He hugged me close and I allowed myself to relax in his arms.
Ever the perfectionist, his harsh words were simply his way of trying to create the ideal scenario. I’d learn not to let it upset me. Our relationship was a complete whirlwind and I was still getting to know him.
That evening, he ran me a warm bath with mineral salts and poured me champagne. Sitting on the edge of the tub, he told me all of the places he wanted to visit, Bali and Iceland and a safari in Africa.
“I want to go everywhere with you. We have so much to look forward to,” he said, clinking his champagne glass against mine and smiling that heart stopping smile that I couldn’t resist. Warm and happy, I wanted this feeling to last forever.
These were the moments I lived for, the other times when he was agitated or said things that hurt me, that wasn’t the real Leo Kubias. That was him losing control because I wasn't acting right, doing what he needed.
I watched his handsome face, his hands gesticulated the size of wild elephants in Thailand, another place, he said, that I would love. His eyes danced with excitement. The candle burning on the counter gave off the sent of honeysuckle and between the warm water, the champagne, and Leo’s happiness, I wanted this moment to last forever.
That night, I fell asleep with his arms around me, his breath gently blowing my hair. A highlight reel of my time with Leo ran through my brain like an old movie. I needed focus on the positives, there were so many. And as far as any nagging concerns or second thoughts, that was my own fear getting in the way. Wasn’t it?
Claire flew to Hawaii to be my one and only bridesmaid. I longed for a real friend, but didn’t have any, excluding Randall who couldn’t come to the wedding even after I offered to buy his ticket. I found myself thinking about Randall, wishing he could be there as I married Leo. He was such a great guy; I hoped he found an amazing woman someday. My mind kept creeping back to Randall and the fun we had working together. I sorely missed him.
During the rehearsal dinner I parked myself near the bar, ordering the special tropical drinks designed for our wedding weekend. Something with pineapple and guava juice with a splash of rum. I wasn’t a big drinker, but the thrill of having my brother here coupled with my pre-wedding jitters called for alcohol. I watched everyone mingle as if I were watching a movie, it all seemed surreal. Across the dance floor, I waved to my brother who reminded me so much of our father that I choked a little on my drink.
The sun began to fade in the sky, casting a glow on everyone, making them look like they were in a movie. I watched Claire in what appeared to be a deep conversation with Leo and another man. A flash of worry danced through my brain as she threw her head back and laughed. She placed her hand on Leo’s arm. I gripped my glass with such force, for a second I thought it might shatter in my grip.
I saw the coy looks she gave him during the evening. It was hard to ignore how she stood a little too close, laughed too loudly at his jokes, and agreed when he toasted to his “innocent young bride, who has so much to learn.” She raised her champagne glass high in the air and called out, “You need an older woman with experience!”
Everyone laughed but me. I don’t think she was joking.
Months before this night, Leo helped me find my brother David, as he was in the military and I only had an old address to go by.
“How can I even begin to figure out where he is?” I asked, exasperated. I made some calls but had no luck in finding him.
“Of course we’ll track him down.” Leo soothed me, enveloping me in a hug. “I want to meet him. And he should be there for you. Leave everything to me.”
I’m not sure how he did it, but he arranged for David to attend the whole wedding weekend which went by in a blur.
I didn’t get to spend a whole lot of time with my brother because Leo (or really his assistant) had organized massages, a hike to a waterfall, a luau, and a huge rehearsal dinner party as well as a full day of wedding festivities. There was something to do every hour.
I wanted to know when I was going to meet Leo's parents and siblings, not only did they not attend the wedding, they weren’t even invited.
“My family is jealous of my success. You’ll never meet them. We had a huge falling out years ago, we’re estranged. It’s best you never even ask me about them. Ever.” He said it with such steely conviction in his voice that I never dared ask again.
Our wedding was over in a wink. The day was a kaleidoscope of colors and emotions and I wanted to slow it all down so I could remember every last detail.
In the morning, a team of stylists and makeup up artists came in to get me ready with their blow dryers and wands and brushes. Lacey flew in to make sure my dress fit exactly to Leo’s specifications.
Heavy gunmetal clouds threatened rain all morning and I nervously glanced out the window every couple of minutes hoping to spot a break in the sky. Someone commented that rain was good luck on a wedding day but all I could do was plaster a plastic smile on my face and nod.
A burning sensation in my stomach prevented me from eating.
“Come on”—Lacey handed me a red apple from an elaborate fruit basket that someone delivered that morning—“eat something or you’
ll faint going down the aisle.”
I nodded. My first thought was that Leo would be furious if I fainted. My second thought was a mental slap; of course he wouldn’t be angry. He’d be concerned. Wouldn’t he?
As the clock neared the time the wedding was to start, a sliver of blue appeared and the bright golden sun broke through the gray clouds. Relief moved through my body like hot liquid. If it rained we’d have to move everything indoors and Leo was adamant about an oceanside ceremony.
Dozens of hot pink colored roses, creamy pale sweet peas, peachy dahlias, and spicy fuchsia bougainvillea were spread generously around the reception site, blending their heady fragrance into the salty ocean air.
David and I stood, arm in arm, waiting for the signal that we were supposed to proceed. I was grateful he was walking me down the aisle. Though the seating was split in two with a center for me to walk down, all of the guests were friends or associates of Leo’s. Claire and my brother were the only people there for me, and I think Claire was really there for Leo.
“Wow. I had no idea this is the life you were living, sis,” David whispered, his eyes round. There was a slight cleft in his chin, just like our dad. I swallowed hard. So many memories surfaced in that moment.
“I’m still the same annoying little sister who let your hamster out of his cage when we were little,” I said, pinching his arm.
I had a million questions for him and longed to sit and reminisce about our parents but there wasn’t time.
“You’re a long way from Ohio, that’s for sure. These flowers must have cost a small fortune.” He shook his head.
“It’s not a big deal,” I maintained, but when he scoped out the stylishly dressed, cosmetically enhanced crowd, I saw it all through his eyes. Dapper movie executives and elegantly beautiful women, resplendent in their fancy clothes sat in white chairs as the ocean crashed on the white powdery sand. It was a posh, luxurious location. I know it all seemed pretentious with the silk ribbons and endless yards of flowers.
