by Cindy Bokma
As I washed out the coffee cups, I smiled to myself. There was something about Vincent I liked, something about him that seemed familiar but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I wanted to trust people, but I couldn’t. Not yet. But when?
I worked at the tiny publishing company during the day while Will was at school. It was easy and low stress, simple data entry and accounting work for Clementine Bloom. She offered me a job at the church picnic and I’d been working for her ever since.
Her enthusiasm took me aback; I wasn’t used to friendly people who were both genuine and kind.
Clem, as she told me to call her, had thick black hair cut into a smooth bob framing her round happy face. For ten years she had been creating directories of bed and breakfasts in the New England area. She ran the business with her husband until he died of a heart attack five years ago. “I told him to watch the fried foods and the ice cream . . .” She sighed, letting her voice trail off then a shrug. “He didn’t listen.”
I filled orders for the books, took care of invoices, ran the mail to the post office, and brought deposits to the bank. It was a good job and I kept busy. I loved working in the office, located in an old Victorian home with a big porch and impressive woodwork inside including an intricately carved banister that I always admired.
An alarm system was installed in my house and Midge laughed at me when she saw it. She stopped by to bring me a loaf of banana bread and noticed the panel on the wall. “This neighborhood is very safe, what do you need an alarm for?”
I pushed Leo’s face from my mind and told her I had been the victim of a break in years earlier. She pursed her lips and didn’t ask any more questions.
My social circle was small; I was friendly with Clem of course, plus Midge and Anne, all old enough to be grandmothers to Will. I chatted with the other mothers at school; friendly to the people I saw each week at church, but kept my distance and never discussed life before moving to this tiny seaside town. It was easier to live a lie when I didn’t have to explain myself and go into detail about Leo though I had an intricate back story. They all thought of us as Grace and Ethan Jensen, husbandless and fatherless from Florida. I wanted our life to be simple and not having close friends kept it less complicated.
Vincent called to check on the stairs and I wavered between wanting to invite him for dinner and wanting to hang up the phone. I didn’t need to get close to him. Where would that lead? Nowhere. I couldn’t have a relationship until Will was out of school and on his own or until we had lived many years safely without the threat of Leo hanging over us. Thank goodness Will rarely mentioned Leo, only bringing up his name when a memory popped into his head.
“You should pal around with my daughter Ruby.” Midge suggested after church one morning. “Come have Sunday dinner with us. You need a friend your own age. It’s not good to hide out in your house all the time with no friends.”
I declined. “I’m fine, keeping busy with work and taking care of Ethan.” I told her. She frowned and shook her head. “I’m an introvert,” I explained. “I'm happiest when I'm home.”
Anne tried to set me up with a friend of a friend, “You need to meet Brian. He’s your age, never been married. A real nice guy.” She nodded. “You’d like him.”
“No, thanks. I’m not . . . ready to date,” I informed her, immediately thinking of Vincent. He was constantly on my mind. The more I tried to not think about him, the more his handsome face flashed in my mind.
When I told people “I’m not ready to date” they usually left me alone. Everyone at church knew of someone who knew someone who would be perfect for me. I was not interested at all.
I kept my eyes open around town, hoping to run into Vincent, but I never did. What would I say? Could I hire him to do some work on the house? It was very old; there were numerous things that needed to be fixed. My thoughts always circled back to Leo and my fear of getting too close to another person. Therapy taught me that not everyone shared Leo’s rage and anger, in fact, the reality was very slim that I’d fall in love with another person like him. I knew the warning signs and red flags but I wasn’t sure I trusted my judgment, not yet.
I preferred to focus on my life with Will. With my job from Clem, plus my savings from years with Leo and careful planning, I was financially set. I lived well within my means and all our basic needs were met. It was a sharp contrast to the high fashion and expensive jewelry Leo kept me in. Will didn't miss his PlayStation and fancy electronic toys. I liked no longer feeling enslaved to affluence and an impossible standard of living. Will helped me in the garden, we read together, and he loved going to the shore and getting ice cream. Things were too good to be true, which made me nervous. I began waking up in a panic, feeling like I was drowning, gasping for breath. Anxiety shrouded me.
I walked to work one morning, stopping for my usual pastry and coffee at the German bakery. The shop was filled with sweet scents and steam clouded the glass cases where the freshly baked treats sat in trays. I was still getting used to eating what I wanted and not hearing Leo’s voice scolding me about my weight. I bought my cherry Danish and coffee, picked up a morning newspaper, and strolled to work. I got a lot of exercise by walking everywhere, though I was worried when the winter months rolled around I’d be stuck inside the car, driving. I pushed that concern aside. Trying to live in the moment and not worry about things I could not control was something I was attempting to master.
When I reached the office, I let myself in and sat down at my desk, spreading the paper out so I could read for a few minutes before my day of work officially began.
I paged through the national news, reading about all the usual governmental issues and when I was almost to the end, I saw a headline that made my heart stop in my chest. I choked on my Danish and my throat immediately closed up.
My pulse began to race as I tried to read the article. I had to blink a few times to clear my vision and focus.
Award Winning Director Leo Kubias Given Months to Live, Brain Cancer is Claiming His Life.
Director Leo Kubias, fresh from directing the new movie, All the Women, has been given only months to live after being diagnosed with malignant cancer.
His longtime spokeswoman, Patty Newton Kingsley held a press conference outside his home in Beverly Hills where he is currently under hospice care. “Leo is very brave, trying to live out his last months as quietly as he can. His prognosis is grim but his spirits are high thanks to the cards and letters he has received from his fans.”
He decided to go public with his condition hoping his wife and son will be returned safely to him, or if anyone has information about them it will be brought forward.
According to his physician, Doctor Kevin Spears, Leo’s cancer has been aggressive and has attacked all major organs, leaving him weak and unable to care for himself. Three rounds of chemotherapy have done little to improve his condition and Leo has decided he wants to “let nature take its course” and live the rest of his days at his Beverly Hills estate.
I folded the paper up and tossed it in the recycle bin. The cherry Danish sat in my stomach like a lump of cement, the bitter acid of the cherry flavor clawed up my throat. My eyes welled with tears and my heart skipped a beat. Life with Leo flashed before my eyes like a movie montage: Leo at the dentist’s office, asking me for a date; buying me a car; planning our wedding; ordering me to quit my job; redoing the house; awards shows and dinners together; yelling, fighting, dishes breaking; his strong grip on my wrist; his hands shaking my shoulders; his complaints about my weight, my hair, what I cooked for dinner; more fighting. Broken bones, a black eye, stitches and scars.
I recalled the day I made the mistake of visiting Leo on the set of a movie. He was angry with me for “invading his space.”
“This is work,” he had cried out, ripping off his headset and ushering me into a trailer. “You are not to come here and watch me while I work.” I never made the mistake again. He kept business and home life strictly separate.
&nbs
p; “I guess you’ve seen the paper this morning?” Clem came in with her arms full of papers from the print shop. We would be proofreading today.
“What?” My head snapped up and I was brought out of my trance. The color drained from my face and a familiar feeling whipped through me like a kick to the stomach. Did she know? How had she found out about us?
“Why do you say that? What do you mean?” My hand automatically went to my mouth and I nervously started gnawing on my fingernails.
“Well, you look so serious, dear. I’m assuming you saw it in the paper. I must say, everyone’s shocked.” Clem shook her head from side to side as she set the papers down and busied herself putting her purse in the desk drawer.
“I . . . I . . . have n . . . no clue what you mean,” I stammered. How could she know? Who told her? Chills broke out on my arms and I lowered my eyes. Would I go to jail, charged with kidnapping my own son? My eyes slid over to the door. Did she lock it? Should I run? My body went hot and cold.
“News travels fast in a small town, my dear.” Clem shrugged and then narrowed her eyes and stared directly at me. “And to be in the newspaper. Oh my stars.”
“Clem, tell me what you know.”
She looked at me, squaring her shoulders. I tried to look back at her pretty violet eyes, full of kindness. “You must think very little of this town.”
“No, that’s not true.” Uncontrollable tears welled up in the corners of my eyes. I brushed them away with the back of my hand and stared down at my shoes.
Clem took a deep breath, “I’ll have you know that this town has never seen a scandal like this. I’m appalled that it’s actually in the papers this morning. The whole town is shaken up. I talked to Midge and Anne and naturally they are speechless.”
I was speechless myself. The dark shadow that had been lurking around me since we left California for Mexico had a chokehold on me and there was nothing left to do but admit everything.
Just as I opened my mouth, Clem spoke up.
“The mayor is holding a press conference this morning. He’s going to officially resign.” She went to make some coffee in the back room where she kept a coffee pot, microwave, and small fridge.
“What exactly are you talking about?” I called, my voice still shaking. I was paralyzed and couldn’t feel my arms or legs.
“The mayor’s affair! He admitted everything. He’s a family man, a loyal churchgoer, he’s been married to his wife for twenty-five years, and then he has an affair with this, this floozy! It was in the local paper this morning, everyone is talking about it.”
I relaxed in my seat as blood began to pump back into my limbs. Thank God.
This had nothing to do with me. It was a small town scandal. I took a deep breath and couldn’t hide my grin though the corners of my lips shook.
“Oh, well, that’s terrible,” I whispered, my face in my hands. I wanted to weep with relief.
She came back in the room, wiping her hands off on a brown paper towel. She dressed like Midge and Anne—a long beige tunic with navy blue elastic waist pants and sensible shoes in a neutral color. Occasionally, she wore a scarf around her neck or a gaudy pin, today she only wore large plastic clip-on earrings. Her face was troubled as she told me about the mayor falling prey to a young chippy, as she called her. I was so busy looking for Leo’s name, that I missed that article completely.
“Apparently he met her at some government thing in Washington D.C. and then she moved up here to carry on with him. It’s been going on in secret for years. He was found out by his wife when she caught him in a compromising position. Alice was supposed to be out of town with the kids and she came home early to that.” She rolled her eyes. “My late husband was far from perfect, but he would never cheat on me. God rest his soul.” She threw her hands up in the air.
The rest of the day was a mix of nervous energy and fear. I came close to knowing what it would be like to be exposed. I couldn’t shake the apprehension even when I picked Will up from school and shared a vanilla ice cream cone on the way home.
“I’ve been invited to Andy’s party, can I go? Can Bryce come over after school? Will you throw the baseball with me outside?” He badgered me with questions that I answered half-heartedly. Thinking about Leo, I couldn’t concentrate on anything else.
I let the water boil over on the stove when I made pasta for dinner. I dropped a glass of juice on the floor then burned my hand getting garlic bread out of the oven. Each time I made a mistake, I fully expected to hear a laugh or an acerbic quip on how I couldn’t do anything right. When would that stop?
Leo showed me years of disrespect, so now if I made a slight mistake the tendency was to listen for his mocking remark. But there was none. I wondered how long it would take until I could live without his shadowy grip. I don’t think I could. And now, with this news of him dying, I had to process my thoughts and feelings before deciding on how to move forward. What should I do? What was best for Will? I kept gnawing at my fingernails, twisting my hair. I had nervous energy to spare. And no one to talk to.
I called Will to come in for dinner and instructed him to wash his hands and sit down. I watched him carefully as he happily ate his pasta and bread. I looked for signs of Leo in his physical appearance and his mannerisms. Trying to see if Will was truly happy, I asked a bunch of questions and watched closely for his response.
“Are you happy, honey?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you like it here?”
“Yes. You asked me this a billion, million times.” He rolled his eyes.
“Do you miss dad?”
“Why are you asking me?” Will shrugged. “I have a loose tooth. Will the tooth fairy come if I pull it out? Will she find me here?”
“Of course the tooth fairy will find you! A loose tooth, that's big news.” I paused. “Do you like being here with mommy?”
“You asked me that already!" He smiled at me, those big eyes lighting up as he crumpled up his napkin and put his fork down. “Can I be done eating? I want to go outside.”
I nodded. Pushing my plate away, I deliberated on going to see Leo on his deathbed. He would not be able to shout, intimidate, or take Will from me. I wanted to do what was right for Will, which was to let him see his father one more time.
The right thing to do was allow Leo the chance to see his son before he died. I considered the repercussions of my actions all the way around.
Clearing the dishes from the table, I was preoccupied with the dilemma. Absently carrying the dirty plates to the sink, I didn’t even realize I had let the water run for too long and the sink was about to overflow. If I didn’t let Will see his father, I would be cheating my son out of the fortune Leo would leave behind. I was never money oriented, but the truth was Leo had millions of dollars that could give Will a very good life. Will would be able to go to college, travel, buy a nice house. Money would never be a concern for him, he wouldn’t have to financially struggle.
I was good with saving money but I couldn’t come close to giving Will what Leo could. Would I be able to find out if Will was still his beneficiary? Would I have to expose myself for what I had done? Rumors would surface that I was a gold digger. To show up as Leo was dying after several months of being gone would be calling attention to myself. The media would have a great time creating drama out of my disappearance and comeback.
I washed and dried the dishes, not checking the time. I was deep in my thoughts. Glancing out the window, I checked on Will every few minutes, which was a something I didn’t think about; I did it like breathing. He was fine, as he always was, but I never stopped watching him, double and triple checking that he was safe. He recently asked for a dog and I thought it was a good idea. Something big, with a ferocious bark. I put that thought on the back-burner but planned a trip to the local animal shelter maybe around the holidays.
With a cluttered mind and a heavy heart I called Will inside for his bath. As I got him ready for bed, my psyche wouldn’t stop reeling, ponder
ing what I needed to do.
Chapter 19
Present
I hunched over my desk, glasses on my face, deeply involved in the invoices Clementine needed me to go over when the door squeaked open. I froze.
Didn’t I lock it?
I stared down at my desk, unable to move for a second. My heart banged against my ribcage. Usually the UPS delivery man dropped off packages and left them on the porch. My hands, poised over some papers began to shake.
Slowly, I lifted my head.
“Hey, how are you?”
Vincent stood before me, a bashful look on his face. Clad in his denim work clothes and a red ball-cap over his unruly hair, he grinned. I noticed his smile was charmingly crooked.
“I got a call from Mrs. Bloom about the carpet?” he asked. He shrugged and glanced around the room.
I opened my mouth then closed it. She hadn’t said anything about Vincent coming by. Was this a set up?
We both stared at each other, not saying a word, goofy smiles on our faces. Finally he said, “I went to church on Sunday to see you. You weren’t there. I asked around.” His black eyes were amused. Taking off his cap, he ran a hand through his dark hair.
I blinked rapidly, feeling lightheaded. I licked my lips. “Oh. Umm . . . I . . .”
It had been one week since Vincent was over to fix my step. I missed church because I wasn’t feeling well. Growing up we never went to church except on holidays and I never went when we lived in California. Will seemed to like going. He enjoyed our Sunday routine of blueberry pancakes in the morning followed by church then taking a walk by the harbor or watching a movie at home. Going to church was an interesting experience for me as I wrestled constantly with feeling like I had done something horribly wrong yet at the same time; I knew I saved myself and Will from abuse.
