“I know that. But...I just want it so bad it’s driving me crazy. I don’t know what to do. I want to run over there all the time and jump the man’s bones, but I can’t. I feel like a different woman. So, all I can do is whine about it to you two,” I shared.
“Why don’t you just tell him that you need the ‘D,’” Lori asked, scooting to the edge of her seat and rubbing her burgeoning belly.
“I pretty much tried that, but he’s been giving me the cold shoulder since the day I left his house in the sheet.”
Rhonda laughed. “Okay, deets, please. Because this heffa’s been holding out on us, Lori,” she said, looking at my sister and pointing at me.
I told them everything that happened bringing them up to date on Zymir’s refusal to eat my cooking or come into my house.
“I have a small confession to make,” I said.
“What?”
“He was avoiding me, so I took the liberty of bringing him to me.”
“What’re you talking about?” Lori asked.
“Remember when I said that he brought the package to my house that day?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, they were some aprons I ordered off Amazon. I purposely put his address in the shipping address box so that they could go to his house. They had my name on them, so he knew they belonged to me,” I said.
“You sneaky, heffa!” Rhonda squealed, laughing and high-fiving Lori.
“Yes, but it didn’t work. Zymir brought them, refused my cooking again, and left. When I told him that I could bring something by later, he said he would be eating out later that night. Then he got in his car and left,” I shared.
They sat in silence for a moment, I guess, pondering my dilemma.
“You know what you have to do,” Lori said.
“No.”
“Give the man what he wants, KK. Stop being so damn stubborn. All of us take a risk when we love.”
“Who said anything about love, Lori Denise Knight-Wheeler?”
My sister had kept our maiden name along with her married name.
“I mean eventually it will lead there or to breaking up. Either way, everyone takes a risk when they become involved with someone else. Whether it’s that they’ll end up with a broken heart, bad dick, a boring experience, or in your instance the death of someone they love, we never know. We just know that we’re taking a risk, and all we can do is hope for the best. But we cannot live our lives locked up in this box of fear. Because when you look back, all you’ll have is this sad blank space in your life. The blank indicates the years your life simply went on pause. Imagine if you had been afraid to love Luis, or give yourself completely to him? There wouldn’t be all these wonderful memories the two of you created for more than a decade. You’d be looking back on what, KK?”
I thought about what Lori said for a while. My heart squeezed in my chest, and my palms grew clammy as I pondered approaching Zymir again and opening myself to him.
Chewing on my bottom lip, I looked at my sister.
“All you’ve got is a try. Nothing beats a failure but a try, sweetheart. Mama always used to tell us that.”
“But, Lori, what if he’s gone on with his life? What if he’s found someone else?”
“Then that’s the risk you take, too. And every day you wait, you’re creating a bigger risk. What if you continue to wait until you see him driving some other woman around in that big sexy Jeep?” she said.
“Or that sexy muscle car he pulled out of his driveway in when we were pulling in,” Rhonda said.
“You saw him?”
“Mm-hmm,” Rhonda purred, twisting her lips.
“And he was looking good,” Lori added, rolling her neck and eyes.
“Mm-hmm. Look like he might’ve been smelling good, too. Whoever the hell she was, she’s a lucky whore tonight,” Rhonda said.
I narrowed my eyes at my cousin and jabbed a finger in her direction. “See that right there? That’s why I can’t stand your ass.”
“You know you love me, Karina Jhenai!” she squealed, pulling me into a hug.
We chatted the rest of the night about Lori’s pregnancy and Rhonda’s kids and marriage. But Zymir was never too far away from my thoughts. I couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing. Or rather who.
CHAPTER 26 – KARINA
Two hours and six minutes. That’s how long it had taken me to get my courage up to march across the street and ring Zymir’s bell. And now that I was here, I couldn’t bring myself to push that little doorbell. My belly clenched tightly as my mind ran through various scenarios.
What if he was entertaining another woman? What if he rejected me again? Or what if he had gone on with his life and simply weren’t interested anymore?
Lori’s words that my mom used to speak came to mind; nothing beats a failure but a try.
I inhaled sharply, lifted my hand, and Zymir jerked the door open.
Damn, I couldn’t think straight for looking at him. His caramel-colored body was dripping wet. A towel hung around his shoulders that he pulled across his nose and lips, drying them of water.
Beads of water coated the fringes of his lashes, dripping from his dreads, and little droplets pooled in his navel. The hair that rose from his swim trunks lay slick against his skin.
Swim trunks hanging at his waist showed off his sexy abs but also sinfully clung to his body. His dick was standing proudly at attention as though it were waiting to serve. And I didn’t mind being the customer.
A cocky grin spread across his lips as he watched me check him out. And then his eyes slowly roamed over me. Yes, I came to slay. This man would not slip through my grasp again.
I wore a yellow knit crochet dress and white stiletto strappy sandals. A heel just high enough to make sure my booty set up higher than normal, and my calves were popping. There was no doubt Zymir could see my braless nipples pushing against the fabric, and if he looked closer, he could tell that I wore no panties, either.
“The doorbell doesn’t ring by itself,” he said, licking his lips as his eyes slowly trailed back up to meet mine.
“I know, I was about to ring it when you pulled the door open.”
“Mm-hmm, but you’ve been standing here for the last three minutes. I was tired of watching you,” Zymir said.
“Watching me?” I asked, glancing around at the windows.
“Security system,” he said, clearing up any confusion.
“Oh.”
Two hours and six minutes, and that’s all I had was, “oh?”
“How can I help you?”
So formal, but what did I expect. I had pushed the man away and rejected him at every turn.
“We need to talk, Zymir.”
“About what?”
“Us.”
“Us?”
“Yes and not just about sex,” I said as his eyes dropped to my breasts again.
“You sure? Because I cannot tell in that ‘fuck-me,’ dress you’re wearing.” The question accompanied a slight lift of his eyebrow.
So, he noticed.
“I didn’t say that I didn’t want to talk about sex, I said ‘not just about sex.’ I’ve been thinking about you a lot, and I’ve got some things that I want to share with you,” I said, pushing out a breath.
He nodded and opened the door wider. Stepping inside, I walked slightly past him.
Zymir smelled like sunshine, water, and sex.
“Do you mind coming to the back? I was taking a few laps around the pool. It’s part of my daily exercise routine,” he said, leading the way to the back, although I had not replied.
Following him, I found it difficult for my eyes to tear away from the pull and sway of his back and shoulder muscles. My eyes appreciated the art that I had once thought hideous.
Brilliant blues, bold reds, and powerful greens and black inked his body in a variety of tattooed designs on his left arm, forearms, wrists, and back. But of all his tattoos, the sun tatted on the left side of his back was my favori
te.
“Would you like something to drink?” Zymir asked, pointing at two carafes on a table beside his pool.
“What do you have?”
“Tea and water,” he said.
“I’ll take some tea,” I replied.
When he handed me the glass and poured himself water, I fiddled with the glass for a few seconds trying to find my words. How could I express to him everything I felt without scaring him off or running away.
“So, Karina, you wanted to talk. You have my full attention,” he said before taking a sip of water.
How I missed that thick accent and the way he rolled his “r’s,” especially when he said my name.
“Zymir, let me ask you a question first, and then I’ll know how to proceed.”
“Go ahead.”
“I always tried to keep things as simple as sex between us. But that wasn’t enough for you, and it came as a shock to me. Most men your age would be satisfied if a woman said that she wanted no strings. But not you. Why is that? What is it that you wanted from me?”
Zymir licked the middle of his bottom lip and used his tongue to pull it inside of his mouth. His gaze on me was intense, as if he were trying to dissect every part of my being. But I refused to squirm underneath his scrutiny.
Finally, he spoke.
“Want.”
A shiver ran through me as his eyes raked over me.
“I want to get to know you better. The woman behind the good sex and hot body and the delicious cooking. The woman whose eyes hide so much pain and snappy tongue bury the truth of what she’s feeling. I want to know that woman so I can figure out how to heal her, help her...and maybe even love her. If she’d just give me a shot,” he said.
The beating of my heart inside my chest increased, and a warm flush ran through my body, which had nothing to do with the sun beaming overhead.
“What I want from you, Karina is the possibility to explore something deeper between us. Something more than the physical. I would like to take this to a mental, emotional, spiritual depth.”
“That’s what I was afraid of.”
“Why?”
“Zymir, I was married to a man who loved me, took care of, and protected me with his very soul and breath for ten years. I loved that man and built my world around him. He stood by my side no matter what this world tossed my way. And then for two years, I had to take care of him...and watch him die,” I said.
Closing my eyes, I pressed down the tears, the ache and longing for Luis, and the horrible memories of seeing his body fail him.
After a few seconds, I shared with Zymir the details of Luis’ sickness and everything it had robbed him of, as well as me. I told him the promises I made to my husband to continue living and loving after he was gone. I shared with him how I came to sell my restaurant to cover the costs the insurance would not cover. My desire to cook, leaving me, and losing the love of my life had left me empty and broken. And then I told him about losing my parents in the house fire that same year.
Throughout the story, Zymir listened patiently, never interrupting to ask questions. Once he passed a dry towel to me to use to wipe away my tears, but he never spoke.
I had not shared this with anyone who did not already know him. Never had I spoken about what he and I endured other than with my therapist.
I was scared it would feel like an invasion of Luis’ privacy and betrayal, but it was anything but that. A sense of relief washed over me after I told him those things. But there was still so much to say, and I wasn’t sure that I could without feeling completely exposed and vulnerable.
“There’s more.”
“What?” I said, jerking my head up when I finished the story.
“There’s more. There’s something you’re still not telling me, Karina. And if we stand a chance at what I want...you have to tell me everything. I’m not in this to humiliate you or hurt you. I want to know you.”
The tears came again, and this time he stood from his chair and walked to the chaise I was sitting on. He lifted me and sat down, pulling me onto his lap and holding me.
Zymir cradled my face with his hands and kissed my tears. “Tell me. Tell me everything.”
Fear ran rampant through me as images flowed through my mind.
Shaking my head, I said, “You don’t want me, Zy. I’m broken...damaged goods.”
“And that’s why I want all of you. To put the pieces together again.”
“I don’t think I can be.”
“Let’s see about that,” he whispered against my temple.
It took a couple of minutes before I convinced myself to share the rest.
“I tried to go on with my life after Luis’ passing, but I couldn’t. It was difficult to make it through when I had nothing to care about anymore. Everything that mattered was gone. My sister, Lori, had her husband, and my cousin, Rhonda, had her kids and a man in her life. I was all alone. I lay in the bed day in and day out, wanting to die. I became addicted to pills just to survive. And then one day, surviving became too much, so I tried to commit suicide.”
Zymir inhaled deeply and squeezed me tighter to him. He pressed a kiss to the top of my head, and then he allowed me to cry. I cried for everything that I endured and for my failures. And when I finished, I told him about the aftermath and how I had come to have my YouTube channel.
“Zymir, I cannot afford to be hurt again. When I become involved with someone, I’m all in, and I hold nothing back. That’s what scares me about you. If I become involved with you and something happens to us, I don’t know if I can take it. I have no idea how strong or weak I am anymore, and that scares the shit out of me. No one could have ever told me that I was capable of trying to commit suicide, but I did. And that’s a part of my life that I’m still trying to learn not to be ashamed of. I realize it’s part of my journey and what makes me the woman I am. But I never want to go back there, Zy. Never. And that’s the fear I hold when it comes to allowing myself to get involved in a relationship. It has to be superficial because I can’t afford anything more.”
Zymir shifted our positions. I ended up lying on the chaise, and he kneeled beside me. Pressing his palm to the curve of my face, he leaned in and softly kissed my lips.
My fingers grabbed his dreads; I was so hungry for that simple taste of him. But he grabbed my hands and pulled them away. Zymir raised and lifted my legs. Sitting on the edge of the chaise, he placed my legs over his.
“Karina, I’m not a man who takes anything for granted. I respect you; I admire you, and in the few months I’ve known you, I’ve come to care for you a lot. I have no plans to hurt you, or I wouldn’t keep pursuing you despite the fact we’ve had sex. However, I want more, and I cannot be satisfied with anything less than your whole heart.”
Frowning, I asked, “Zy, did you hear anything that I’ve said?”
“I did.”
“Then you know that I can’t afford to take that risk.”
“And I can’t afford not to. I’m taking a risk on you the same way you’d be taking one on me. I have no guarantees you won’t break my heart or get hurt or sick and taken away from me. But just as I have no guarantees, I can’t make you those promises either. None of us gets to make those decisions, but people live and love all the time. All I’m asking is to give me a shot. Even if I only get to love you one day, I promise you that day will be worth a lifetime of risks.”
Zymir pulled my hands to his lips and kissed my fingertips. “Am I worth it?” he asked.
I was so scared, too scared to say yes, and too afraid to say no. But what if I chose to say “no?” Then what? I would go back to the lonely existence I’d been living in anyway. And at some point, I would lose someone in my life.
Whether it was Zymir, choosing not to be with me or losing my sister or cousin in some way I couldn’t imagine. One day, I would lose again. So, why not love until that time?
Tears seeped from my eyes again.
“Yes, Zymir. Yes, you’re worth the risk.”
He kissed my tears away and ducked his head to kiss my lips. Pulling back, he looked me in my eyes.
“Have you been with another man since you’ve been with me?”
“No,” I said.
“Are you sure?”
I thought back to the failed attempts at dating and what my plan had been.
“No,” I said more firmly this time.
Slowly, he rolled my flimsy little yellow crochet dress up to my waist.
CHAPTER 27 – ZYMIR
Goddamn! I knew she wore no bra, but I had no idea that she didn’t have any panties on underneath that little knit dress of hers. When I rolled the dress up to her thighs and then to her waist, my dick jumped inside my swim trunks.
Before I would please him, I had a deeper hunger to satiate.
Lifting the dress further, I pulled it over her head and tossed it to the ground. My fingers rolled over her nipples until they were tight little mountain peaks.
Shit, how I had missed this woman! Touching her, feeling her, tasting her.
She was scrumptious, too. Karina had washed in some berry flavored wash before she came to my house because when I spread her legs and took my first lick, she still tasted like fresh berries. My tongue dug deeper inside of her, devouring her.
Karina grabbed my dreads pulling them tight as she wiggled on the chaise and screamed out my name. I didn’t care how tight she pulled them; I was not letting up until I finished my meal.
I knew when I asked if she had been with other men, and she said “no,” that she was telling the truth. I had a secret of my own, but I wasn’t quite ready to reveal it.
“Zymir!” she cried out as I buried my nose and lips inside of her, slurping and licking away.
With one long swipe of my tongue from her ass to her clit, I looked up. “Yes, my love?”
“I...I have to cum!”
“Cum, baby,” I coaxed and went back to sucking her clit. Alternating my tongue with my fingers jabbing inside of her.
Those thick brown thighs squeezed around my head as she shoved her pussy into my face, grabbing the back of my head and smashing me into her. I couldn’t breathe, but that was okay. If I died, at least I would die a happy man, well-fed and well-nourished.
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