“I never cried for her then—it’s the drugs, or you, I don’t know,” I whispered.
“Shh, shh, it’s okay. it’s okay you told her you wouldn’t miss her, you do, don’t you?” she asks.
“I think about her, I wish she were here---but I don’t wish she weren’t dead,” I say, “I don’t feel bad.”
“I don’t think it was your fault,” she says, her arms around me.
“I think I should go, away from here, somewhere—I don’t know,” I say, trying to stand.
“No, stay with me,” she says, catching me and pulling me back down, holding me tightly with both of her lovely hands, “Don’t leave me, don’t run away. Don’t you want to have what you and I have never had? A real life? With happiness, and laughter, and music, and somebody who loves you, across the whole universe, somebody who won’t let time or distance keep you apart?”
“Yes,” I say, staring into her eyes, transfixed. “Yes, I do.”
“Okay, then be that with me, be that with me. Just be human---try to be human---let’s be normal. Get drunk and talk until dawn, sit out and look at the stars, go flying places, together, in spaceships far across the galaxy. And learn how to love, I can show you, if you’ll let me,” she says, caressing my face with one hand.
“I don’t know---”
“Just let me in. please let me in,” she says, standing with me, still holding my hands, “Keep looking into my eyes, just let me in. let me help you.”
“Okay,” I say, pressing my forehead against hers, “What if—”
“No ‘what ifs’ no buts, just you and me, forever, till the day we die,” she says, arms around me, “Even if the rest of the universe despises you, Titus Card, I’ll be right here, I promise, right here beside you.”
“What if I hurt you?” I ask.
“You won’t,” she says.
“You’re right---I won’t, I’m not going to. never you, never you, no matter what,” I say, holding her tightly as I can in my weak arms.
“Okay, then come with me. Come to bed, we’ll sleep in it’s Saturday tomorrow, remember? We’ve got the change of command for the students and you get relieved of your positions, because Monday we test for jobs, and then the ceremony tomorrow night completing this phase of training. And we’ll go to that, and we’ll whisper with the others, and go the gym afterwards and race each other, and just be sixteen, okay?” she asks, “Do you want to do that?”
“Yes,” I say, nodding, “I’ll try, I will with you.”
“Thank you, now, let’s go back, together,” she says, taking my hand. And I walk back to the barracks with her.
Chapter 2
O kay so we’ve gone over the fact that I really hate not knowing things?
Right?
Yes I’m sure we have I’m sure of THAT. But what I’m not sure of is what happened last night.
I am aware that I was in the hospital last night. I am aware that I woke up in the barracks this morning. I am aware that the lovely Nicole Tom is somehow involved in this.
But I am not aware in what capacity she was involved, or how much of what I think I said I actually said. I know I was thinking about my sister’s unfortunate death and my hand in it---or hands that is it did take two hands---that should be amusing it amuses me but I am too annoyed right now to be amused. I need to know.
I need to know if she knows. Did I tell her? God, I think I did, yet she smiled at me this morning very quickly but she smiled at me. What did I say? Could she still love me? That is why I am upset, I don’t know, and I can’t dare to hope that she knows every part of my mind and still loves me. how could she? How could she when I am---this. And they are---all that they are? The innocence and the stupidity? How is it that they can be all that and yet she knows she is one of them yet still loves me. I want it to be true. I desperately do. and it is it is true it has to be she loves me and I know I was on the drugs, I was babbling and wanting to tell her about that night. not wanting her to make that same mistake.
Not wanting her to think there isn’t something wrong with me.
When there is.
I know there is.
It just doesn’t bother me.
It may bother her which is why I think she really ought to know before I make passionate love to her. I could get over her not knowing, but I’d rather she know and loves every complete part of me.
Like I said, though, I can get over it.
But I’d rather not. I’d rather do it simply, purely, I want her to know who I am and love me still. I think I hope in vain but I see her gorgeous face and I know I know, she does love me. and I know I tried to tell her. as incoherent as I may have been, was I so much so that she did not realize that I did the deed? That I was the villain of the tale I was telling? I was plain enough, wasn’t I?
The shame is, I haven’t the nerve to tell her now that it’s daylight---no that’s not it I have the nerve I just don’t want to because it will make her that much less likely to want to have sex with me in the foreseeable future. And my lust outweighs my ethereal desire to be loved for what I am. no I can get over that if my libido is satisfied which I think it would be. But now that there’s the chance she knows, the probability she knows I want to know if what I think is true and I want to know so very badly but I just can’t---find a way to ask.
“Are you all right?” Logan asks. He’s standing in front of my running machine. I am dripping with sweat, bent over clinging to the bars. The read out says eight miles. No wonder my legs burn.
“Yes,” I say, nodding.
“You look like you’re having an existential crisis,” he says, helpfully.
“No, not really, this is more an affair of the heart,” I explain, “It’s not to do with Nolan, I’m over that.” Well over that. I’m quite glad he’s out of the way. It was nice, those fifteen minutes I’d thought I would have a coconspirator I could trust. No not really but it was nice thinking I could pretend to trust him and then waiting for him to try to betray me that had been fun. He’d just done it so badly when he went and tried to do it. I’d betrayed him SO much quicker than he’d even thought of betraying me. plus his murders were so shoddily done he’d have been caught before too long even with out my assistance.
“Oh,” he says, nodding, “I can’t help with that I’m afraid. I couldn’t have helped with the first one, in fact, but I’d have pretended a bit better.”
“That’s all right. I don’t need any help, nobody can help, really,” I say, shrugging, “It’s just me.”
“But you’re so clever at everything,” he says, cocking his head, “I don’t think about you having problems.”
“Thanks,” I say, still leaning on the now sticky exercise machine, “But I do.”
“They must be rather complicated if you can’t figure them out after eight miles,” he says, leaning over the machine to look at my distance.
“Deceptively simple, actually. I just have to ask somebody something. but that’s the one thing I don’t want to do because if I’m wrong, it’ll be worse than if I’m right,” I say.
“That didn’t make logical sense but I’ve just come off my run for the day so that could be why,” he says, smiling sympathetically.
“Yeah, maybe,” I say, with a smile as well, “How far did you go?”
“Point four of a mile----I felt like I was going to die! Don’t laugh like that Titus,” he says, grinning as well though.
“You know next PE test Tom and I may not be there to carry you,” I warn, “We passed today, that’s the battle not the war.”
“I know, you’re going to make such a good General, Titus. You’re clever and you’re loyal. You could do it easy,” he says.
“Yeah, that’s the problem,” I mutter. Easy. Everything is so easy it’s boring. Why do I always have to be bored? I want something to stimulate me for once. I’ve got to get around to killing Ebbel, that’ll cheer me up.
“Don’t be sad, Titus, as you said, we won the battle---we won’t have won th
e war till we graduate---but Monday we get to test for our jobs that should be fun!” he says, smiling, “I want to get engineering, what about you?”
“Pilot,” I say, “That’s all I want. To fly. I think I’ll love that, and I don’t love many things but I do love the stars. And that’ll bring me closer to them.”
“But you’ve trained in computers and things, surely you’ll test high in one of those,” he says, frowning.
“Add the word ‘could’ right between you and test and subtract the ‘ll and you’ll get the drift,” I say. it takes him a minute to get that one. He frowns and stands there then finally says.
“What do you---”
“I’m going to fail those, or just about. I don’t want them putting me in anything else,” I say.
“Oh, right, got it,” he says, nodding, “Well, they ought to give you what you want since you are brilliant at everything.”
“Oh, they will,” I say, nodding. I won’t let them do otherwise.
“Don’t you think you’re just about done?” he asks, “You’re awfully pale and you were in hospital just last night.”
“The bleach? That wasn’t so much, anyway the truth juice did me worse, and anyway I can’t just quit, I’m having a competition with Leavitt,” I explain.
“Really? I didn’t know we were having competitions,” he says.
“Nor does he so far as I know,” I say.
“Titus---he started after you, so you can quit,” he says, after all this I’m at nine miles.
“No because if he continues longer past when I’d have quit if we’d started at the same time then I lose,” I explain. It really isn’t all that complicated.
“But it’s not actually a completion,” he says.
“Oh, it is,” I say.
“What’re Leavitt and Card doing?” Liesel asks, we are lying on weight benches, doing presses while the stupid men have some sort of masculine testosterone based contest.
“Having some sort of testosterone fueled inane contest, would be my guess,” I say.
“Leavitt doesn’t usually go in for that sort of thing,” she says.
“Oh, I’m sure he’s not aware he’s involved, he’s not generally aware,” I say, sitting up and getting a drink of water.
“Probably not,” she says, “Good day, anyway. feels weird that Tsegi isn’t here with us, though.”
“It does,” I agree, “It’s just like she’s sick or away or something, I can’t believe it’s real that she’s gone. These past few days have gotten really strange, this whole week really. First Tim, then Peter and Tsegi.”
“Yeah, I’m going to be glad to be going to our specialist schools till we finish training,” she says.
“Yes, then six months in outer space, then A schools, then more schools,” I sigh a little, “The worst is almost over, though.”
I’m so very wrong.
“Look at the little demons, making themselves stronger so they can all try to kill each other later.”
“I brought you with because I thought you would relax seeing them be normal,” I mutter, leaning against the glass.
“Joking, honestly, after all that’s happened it feels rather true, though,” Thorn mutters, as though he wasn’t joking at all.
“They look tired,” Harris says. we are all watching them through the privacy glass. The Cadets are relaxing and working out after the morning’s dress ceremonies for the end of the basic part of training. They all passed their physical fitness test and comprehension test, the ones that lived and didn’t get arrested or institutionalized, that is. I have to admit, Thorne’s predictions are getting eerie. Not that I believe they had any credence, but honestly it is all rather odd.
“Poor things, they do get up awfully early.”
“Being in pain is good for them,” Ebbel is with us as well.
“Yes, helps their even tempers,” Thorn says, not at all seriously.
“Seriously, though, shouldn’t we let them go back to the barracks for a bit?” Harris asks, sadly, “They could at least do with a lie down. I’m tired.”
“Well you don’t get to lie down,” Ebbel says.
“I’m glad they’re going on to their schools, at least we get to wake up an hour later,” I say.
“I’m not, we still have to be around them, they’re just more spread out,” Ebbel says.
“They aren’t all that bad,” I say, mostly to Ebbel and Thorne who are sulking.
“No, they’re not, some of them are nice they are kids,” Harris agrees, quickly. He’s gotten emotionally attached to a few of them.
“We still have to wake them up and stop them from trying to kill each other,” Thorne says.
“Yes we----what do you mean WE??? You’re not even posted here, you’re from basic you just sort of migrated over and stayed!!!” Ebbel growls.
“Oh, yean that’s true, but I still have to do something or they’ll send me back,” Thorn says.
“Since when?” Ebbel asks.
“Do I have to separate you two?” Harris asks, exasperated, “And will you quit talking about them as though they’re all evil? Two of them have died so far, for God’s sake, and two others are institutionalized. We should have respect.”
“More than that, we should have gratitude, it could’ve been us----no I take that back, we can be as flippant as we want it will be us next we might as well enjoy it,” Thorn says, searching for his hip flask which I confiscated a while ago. I still haven’t decided if he’s better sober or intoxicated. Hawking says I’d better just pick and stick with it but really it’s hard.
“Don’t be ridiculous, it’s accidents,” Ebbel says, “All this happening in one class is just a coincidence.”
“Right, I was waiting for somebody to say that---so I sat down and calculated the exact odds of precisely these things happening completely coincidentally---”
“Oh God they’re really low, aren’t they?” Harris guesses.
“No, they’re fantastic, fifty five thousand to one, you’ve got more chance of being struck by lightning on a clear day than that,” Thorne says, completely unhelpfully.
“Well, odd things do happen,” Harris, who isn’t good at maths, says.
“Yeah, but that’s really low,” I say.
“Yeah, in fact, the odds of something like---oh I don’t know----let’s say a teenage serial killer being chosen for OTS, is something like ninety times more likely to happen,” Thorne says, nodding.
“One of them couldn’t be doing it, we’ve got cameras,” Harris says.
“Somebody tell him those don’t work,” Ebbel says.
“The cameras aren’t always on,” I tell him.
“Oh, God,” Harris says, “So IA really doesn’t know who’s been behind all this?”
“Well, it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? The one who tried to kill himself and Card---Nolan that’s his name, he confessed to killing the other two, and who knows what happened to Long that could’ve been a freak accident, so while it’s unsettling we’ve already got our killer,” Ebbel says.
“Right, so all three of you think bodies are going to quit showing up in odd places?” Thorne confirms.
“Yes,” we say, although by now I’m starting not to believe it.
“Card, could I ask you a question?” I ask, going over to where he stands, chugging water and leaning against the treadmill he just got off. I’ve done a six mile run, which was more than I felt like doing after the past few days, still it cleared my head. He looks spent, sweat running down his face and matting his hair. We are a couple of the last to get off the machines, the rest are quietly lifting weights and waiting their turns to get changed and shower.
“What is it?” I ask.
“Do you know how to---break into places?” I ask, stupidly. I’ve got no idea how to even talk about this I don’t know why I’m doing it.
“What do you mean?” he asks, not remotely innocently but I’m sure he thinks it’s very innocent. “Why ever would you ask me?�
�
“Because you’re the one who moves the bloody guidon every night---quit looking over your shoulder I know you do you paint your initials on it!” I say, exasperated.
“Oh, you noticed,” he says, annoyed.
“Everybody noticed---and I’m not trying to get you in trouble I need your help,” I say, “My sister’s locked up.”
“Where by whom and why?” he asks.
“They think she’s one of the mutants----and they’ve locked her up to study her and they’ll never let her back out,” I can hear my voice cracking even as I say it, “And so I have to get her out. and you’re twice as clever as most grown ups, and you’re always sneaking places you shouldn’t---so I thought you might have an idea how I could get her out. because I have to.”
“Oh, no, I’m sorry sneaking places only works here because I know the cameras and their blind spots, I’ve never been in one of those government buildings, so I’ve got no idea how to help you,” he says, unapologetically.
“But---you could think of something,” I say, desperately. He was my only hope, the only thing I had thought of was to ask him. I had no idea how I was going to do it otherwise.
“Oh, well, I can think of one thing that could help you,” he says, wiping his face with the corner of his shirt.
“What?” I ask, hopefully.
“Stop caring.”
I don’t actually intend to or think about punching him but one minute he is standing there with a callous smirk on his face, and the next my fist is wiping that look off of his face and he is falling against the treadmill. It really wasn’t a calculated thing, it just felt so right at the moment because, really, let’s face it. Somebody has needed to whack Titus Card upside the head for quite some time now, I’m just the first one to actually lose complete control and do it.
And it felt really awesome.
I figured I was thrown out at that point, which was okay because I needed to rescue Ginny. So I saw no reason to try to prevent the ensuing fight, or act like it was an accident (not that I know how I would have even done that).
Darkside 2 Page 3
