“I doubt it,” I say, with a sigh.
“Why, sir?” he asks, staring at the cold juice packet in his hands.
“I gave this talk to Card, something like it. He wouldn’t listen, he wouldn’t let me in and you know what? I don’t blame him. His dad wasn’t good, nobody’s understood for sixteen years, why should he bother with us now?” I ask.
“Us as in who?” he asks.
“Humans. Why should he bother with humanity? It served him on a platter years ago---his situation’s not much better than yours, no father to speak of as far as I know, nobody ever wrote to him, rode the train by himself to Basic, came with nothing, as you know not even a tablet—the kid loves books there was never the money ever to get him a tablet? A cheap one? Nothing? No, nothing, didn’t even see him, off, not a card not a message. Why should he think any of us would be any different? Why even bother? Why do you? Why do you bother?” I ask.
“I suppose, if I didn’t, we wouldn’t be making the world better,” he says.
“You think we will?” I ask.
“I was standing there crying, and you hugged me. Someday, maybe there will be a little boy crying, and I’ll be there to comfort them, maybe that’s all I’m here for, but little by little, I think it helps,” he says.
“You’re a wiser man than me,” I say, with a smile.
Chapter 4
“W
hy do they keep giving you detention duties?” Kip asks, leaning back in his chair, eating crisps. “You are obviously not learning anything.”
“I really don’t know,” I say, leaning back in my chair as well. My fitted SBUs came in so I’m feeling quite pleased and comfortable. Also they let those of us who don’t own tablets borrow tablets to read on. Those are supposed to be taken away due to detention duties, but Thorn said I might keep mine as I might need it to help Kip. So I’m quite happily reading. I’m trying to teach myself Russian. It’s going very well.
“The fight was pretty cool, and you weren’t doing so bad. What’d you say to him?” Kip asks.
“Nothing so bad to begin with, I was honestly being helpful. I just knew it was annoying,” I say, shrugging a little, “They broke us up before either of us could really get a clear upper hand, though, sort of a shame I haven’t been in a good fight since I got to basic. We do combat of course but that isn’t the same thing.”
“No, it’s not—but on to more important matters, how are you doing with the girl?” he asks, raising his eyebrows.
“Oh, all right. She gets alternately cross and enamored of me when I act like---me. like she forgave me for something I sort of did but she didn’t know I did, then she got upset again when I got in the fight, that could’ve been on principle, though, because she thought she ought to be cross with me for getting in a fight,” I explain, not looking up from my book.
“Hmm, yes, sounds like a woman, more than that, does she know how you feel? And you’ve quit trying to set her up with other people?” he asks, concerned.
“No, I’m done with that. I told her I worship the very sweet air she breathes, so I think that accurately appraises her of my emotions,” I say.
“That would about do it, yeah, what was her reaction?” he asks.
“She said ‘you’re going to be late for detention duties you moron are you actually trying to get thrown out?’,” I answer.
“You just told her this?” he asks, “What about before?”
“Oh, she’s known since not long after you and I last talked, that was just most recent,” I say, “I don’t know though. I’ve got another problem and it’s complicated. Far too complicated to explain.” I’m almost positive she knows the truth about me, about what happened to Hilda, stupid woman. It really wasn’t my fault---I was sure I’d told her. but would she be acting so casually if I had?
“I’ve got all night, and day actually,” he says, helpfully.
“Yeah, no, that’s all right, it wouldn’t help to talk about it, I just need to talk to her,” I say. I’m just working on how to broach the subject carefully without actually giving it away because I don’t want her to know if she doesn’t already know. which I don’t think she already knows there’s no way she could still be treating me like a something approximating a human being if she already knew but she could and she might. I sigh. It wasn’t getting any easier, only harder, as the world spun around me and I was made of glass yet nobody bothered to look right through me.
“Hey, it’s me, doesn’t talk to anybody doesn’t do anything little me,” Kip says, a bit hurt.
“Nah, it’s really complicated, and I’m not in the mood to go over it just---it’s me,” I say, with a laugh, “It’s all me.”
“You and Titus took a while getting back from IDMT last night,” Liesel comments. She and I have been talking at night, since Peter’s gone and Tsegi as well, we’re the few left now of the 10s, in our sect anyway. I know the others vaguely but they were always different floors or buildings or classes whereas we tried to stick together.
“Yeah, he was super drugged up,” I say, flopping back on my bed, remembering his disturbing mood. I flip idly through videos on my table, trying to sooth myself with familiar music videos or books, it’s not really working. Tonight we have a dinner thing provided by the chaplain, so at least we will get to talk and eat and relax a bit. as much as we could in this miserable place. “He kept collapsing, saying he didn’t want to keep going, wanting to just talk to me.”
“Aw, what was he talking about?” she asks.
“It was sort of sad, he mentioned Peter, and he talked about his sister---she got murdered apparently, that was odd, he seemed to feel guilty about it for some reason,” I say, frowning. “He wasn’t making much sense, though.”
“Titus feel bad for something?” she asks.
“Like I said, it was odd, still, he kept saying he wanted me to know, I guess he still misses her,” I say, shrugging a little. Titus’ drunken rant concerned me more in that he felt like he had to keep it hidden. I would have to ask him about it later, but tactfully, I am not sure just how much he remembers of it, and he certainly seemed hesitant, even nervous about mentioning it under the influence of the drugs. He’d said he’d told her to go down the alley that she died in, and it seemed as though they were having an argument. Maybe his family blamed him? Still, guilt isn’t entirely Titus’ style.
“I think about Peter, and Tsegi, I just don’t see why people have to be like this, I mean, Tsegi’d only just gotten to talk to her mum, they never even met,” Liesel says, “The poor woman’d just found about the child she’d missed all those years, and then this happens. And Peter. He’s somebody’s son, his parents don’t know he’s not well or alive or what. Same with Tyrell, they don’t know their son’s a murderer. It’s all just weird. how can people be like this?”
“I don’t know,” I say, rolling over and looking down at her on her bunk. She’s picking at strings on her uniform aimlessly. “Here, come on up I’ll help.”
She crawls up readily, with her uniform in hand. I take the blouse and she the pants. she hands me a lighter to burn off the loose strings.
“I think about them, sometimes, my parents, why they were like that, why they didn’t even care----I didn’t blame them for a long time, for wanting the money, then I made excuses when they didn’t want to meet me, that they were ashamed, the truth that I’ve been alive and here all this time is too much for them. that they’re only human and I can’t blame them. but after what’s happened, I don’t feel like that anymore, they knew what a miserable, lonely universe that we live in, and they choose to bring me into it anyway, and then they left me alone in it, to be a miserable part of it. so I don’t forgive them anymore, for a while, I hated them. because there is no way to forgive evil intent. And that’s what it is, to abandon a child, to subject a child to a life without love or care or comfort, for or mothers, who carried us in their bodies, to know you put this little person out in the world without you and know you never planned on
coming back for them, for our fathers who never even felt our heartbeat or laid eyes upon us, to know that their flesh breaths somewhere alone everyday, they are a part of what makes this world as evil as it is. But hating them doesn’t do any good because it doesn’t stop them from existing, hate only stops us from existing because it makes us one of them. so now I don’t think about them, except how never to become one of them.”
“Thanks for telling me,” Liesel says, softly.
“I used to talk about it sometimes with Peter, but now he’s gone, partly because of them,” I say, shrugging, “But I know it’s still hard for you, while your parents did come back for you, they did wait, they still brought you into this world. And you don’t know who they are yet.”
“No, it’s weird, I don’t want to believe they’re some of the good people---I mean they had me, they can’t be. my mum doesn’t feel as bad as my dad, like, ‘cause she carried me, she feels like she took care of me for a while---she said this---she said that she got to talk to me and nourish me and so she felt like she’d done something she’d been there, she’d told me she loved me---so like in her mind that made it okay or a little bit okay----I don’t know if that makes me mad or not, or if that did me a favor or not,” she says, shrugging.
“I don’t know,” I say, “What’s your dad say?”
“Oh, he’s a complete emotional state over it. he has been pretty much since it dawned him I was alive somewhere with out him---I forgive him, because he’s suffered as much as I did, intentionally, like, so he’s sort of crazy and little stupid, but I think I love him anyway,” she says.
“That’s good, at least, you know he does feel bad,” I say. it feels like worlds to me but that’s because I have nothing.
“Yeah, I told him not to because it’s over now, but it’s not. I still wake up and feel alone, it’s like it’s not going to end, the memory of being alone,” she says.
“Yeah, exactly, but we’re our own family now, but the hurt stays,” I say, as she crawls up to sit next to me, more to snuggle than to work on her blouse but that’s what we were pretending we were doing. “It’s funny, last night when Titus hugged me, well held onto me not to fall down, I realized how long it’d been since I’d been hugged. Like touched with kindness, and how long I go without it happening. It’s strange when you think about it, when you’re married or when you’re a little kid, you’re supposed to get hugged every night, every time you see someone.” The chaplain at the Academy used to hug us when we came to services, but that was when we were small. The nurses did too back then. Now that we were older it was just when we saw our old nurses, or sometimes the monitors or hall mothers would give us a little squeeze. But it was nothing regular, nothing safe.
“I didn’t think of that,” she says, leaning against me a little, “I haven’t been hugged either, truth be told.” Her tablet buzzes in her pocket. She pulls it out, “That’s my dad, he gets on sometimes at this time.”
“What’s he say?” I ask. What do people talk about?
“He’s asking what I’m up to, how my day was,” she says, holding the tablet so I can see. She types JUST GETTING MY SBUS READY FOR TOMORRW, NICOLE TOM AND I WERE TALKING
“You told him about me?” I ask, surprised.
“Yeah, he asked about my friends,” she says, “He asked if I had a boyfriend, I didn’t know what to say.”
“You didn’t tell him about your crush on Wendy?” I ask, a bit slyly.
“Who told you about that?” she asks.
“Titus, but I already knew,” I admit, “This was last night when he was on the drugs.”
“Idiot, no I didn’t tell him. I didn’t know what to say it feels stupid,” she says, shrugging.
“I can’t help you there, since I don’t know either, but I’ll bet he only cares ‘cause he wants to be nice,” I say, though like I said I really don’t know.
I CAN LET YOU GO THEN ALL OKAY?
NO WE’RE JUST CHATTING YOU ARE FINE, YEAH LONG DAY IS ALL WE HAD GYM TIME THIS MORNING I’M A LITTLE SORE. She types WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
VISITING A SICK CO WORKER IN THE HOSPITAL. HE’S ASLEEP he types. THOUGHT I’D CHECK IN WITH YOU. ARE YOU OKAY MISSING YOUR FRIEND WHO DIED?
“I told him about Tsegi,” she explains WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT THAT ACTUALLY, SORT OF OUR LITTLE FAMILY HERE, IT IS WEIRD LIKE EVYERTHING BEING TAKEN AWAY EVEN THOUGH I’VE JUST GOT YOU, AND WE HAVE MADE NEW FRIENDS WITH SOME OF THE OTHER CADETS.
“Even if they are sociopathic walking dictionaries,” I add.
NICOLE SAYS EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE WEIRD she types.
LET ME GUESS ONE OF THE HORMONAL IRRITATING KNOW IT ALL BOYS HAS TOUCHED HER HEART IN HIS OWN STUPID WAY he types.
“Yes exactly,” I say with a sigh.
SHE SAYS YES.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
“Tell him,” I hiss, poking her.
MY CRUSH DOESN’T KNOW I EXIST she types.
SORRY LIFE SUCKS YOU KNOW THAT BY NOW I GUESS. I REALIZE I’M A BIG PART OF WHY LIFE IS SHIT FOR YOU AND PROBABLY LOADS OF OTHER PEOPLE AND I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO HELP IT BUT I REALIZE IT
NO I’M GLAD YOU’RE HERE she types.
“Tell him better than my parents,” I say, dryly.
NICOLE SAYS BETTER THAN HER PARENTS. THEY DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW HER. IT’S LONELY. AND I’M GLAD I’VE GOT YOU BUT WE’RE STILL LONELY TONIGHT. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW LONG IT’S BEEN SINCE WE WERE HUGGED she types.
I WISH I WERE THERE TO GIVE BOTH OF YOU GIRLS A HUG---I CANNOT HONESLTY REMEMBER THE LAST TIME SOMEBODY HUGGED ME he types. WE’LL NEED TO FIX THAT AT GRADUATION, EH?
YES LETS she types, smiling a little.
TELL NICOLE SHE’S GETTING A HUG WHETHER SHE LIKES IT OR NOT NOW THAT I KNOW SHE NEEDS ONE AND I CAN PUNCH THAT BOY OF HERS ON PRINCPLE IF HE’S UPSETTING HER he types.
“Tell him somebody’s already done that today,” I say, with a smile. He does seem kind, it was nice to include me; he seems like a genuinely nice person. maybe they do exist.
SOMEBODY’S ALREADY DONE THAT AND SHE SAYS IT WAS SATISFYING HE DESERVES IT HALF THE TIME she types. So Tom and Card are sweet on each other, well, she’s a fierce thing she can probably take him. and he needs to be taken, god that boy is wild. Thorn is right, he may be the death of us by sheer will power. I’m just glad Liesel isn’t interested in him, then we would have problems. She’s not as headstrong or---well violent—as Tom, so I’d be more concerned about her and Card. They seemed to get on well, though, so it bears watching, not that I can do any good.
MOST MEN DO I KNOW I’M ONE OF THEM I type, still smiling. This feels so good and safe and----not alone. I can picture her, sitting on the bunk with Tom, in their soft grey shirts and bruised legs crumpled under them as they stare at the tablet, probably clipping or burning strings from their uniforms. I sigh, not complete, though, they’ve no idea where I am which isn’t very fair. But it can’t be helped, hopefully she’ll understand. I PROMISE I’LL STOP BEING SO SECRETIVE AFTER WE MEET THINGS ARE JUST ODD HERE
ITS OKAY I JUST WORRY ABOUT YOU she types.
I’D SAY DON’T BUT HONESTLY YOU PROBABLY SHOULD, “Nobody’s worried about you, eh?” I ask, patting Peter’s arm. He’s asleep finally, he talked nonsense when he woke, but I calmed him down by telling him random emotionally crippling, but in all truth meaningless stories of my childhood.
WHY?
ALL SHALL BE REVEILED I PROMISE SORRY I’M NOT THE SMARTEST OR THE BRAVEST OR THE----BEST AT ANYTHING OR I WOULDN’T BE IN THIS SITUATION I AM IN BUT HONESTLY I PROMISE THINGS WILL ONLY GET BETTER THEY CAN’T GET WORSE, SINCE NOW I’VE GOT YOU AND I DIDN’T BEFORE I type with one hand, holding Peter’s hand with my other hand, his blood pressure goes down when I do that. he’s lonely I think.
NICOLE SAYS I’M LUCKY TO HAVE YOU EVEN IF YOU ARE A WEIRD PERSON BUT SOME OF HER FAVORITE PEOPLE ARE WEIRD SHE SAYS SO THAT ISN’T AN INSULT
OKAY GOOD I type, smiling. This is the happiest I’ve been in months---possibly years I realize. Si
tting here in this miserable hospital in my SBUs, sitting with this crazy dying kid, messaging my daughter and her friend as they sit not two miles away, probably thinking I’m on another planet. YOU SAID YESTERDAY YOU’VE GOT SOME SORT OF PARTY TONIGHT ARE YOU GOING? I’m pretty sure it’s mandatory but if they don’t want to I can get them out of it, Ebbel doesn’t pay that much attention I can just put in bed rest passes for them.
YES IT’S MANDATORY, CHAPLAINS PUT IT ON SO WE GET COOKIES AND THINGS AND GET TO TALK TO EACH OTHER. BETTER THAN SITITNG HERE she types. Of course, she would be used to these things, the Academy did them. Hell, it was probably the only time the poor kid got sweets, the chaplaincy. That was really a crime.
OKAY TRY TO RELAX KNOW IT ISN’T EASY AFTER WHATS HAPPENED TO YOUR FRIENDS I type BUT YOU’VE GOT IMPORTANT TESTS MONDAY AND YOU GUYS NEVER GET ENOUGH SLEEP OR TIME TO REST
THAT’S THE TRUTH, NICOLE SAYS SOME OF THAT IS TITUS’ FALUT TITUS IS---
YES I REMEMBER HE’S THE MENTAL BUT CLEVER ONE WHO PUT GUIDONS ON A ROOF I type. Of course I know exactly what Titus is. Irritating beggar. I hope I wasn’t that irritating at 16. I probably was.
“Do you ever listen to music?” Kip asks.
“No, my brain is too busy,” I lie. Tom is curled up with Stowe clipping strings and chatting with Harris. She’d better not be bi. Okay well she can be that won’t alter my feelings of adoration for her but it gives me more competition.
“You ought to, it’s relaxing, I thought all young people did,” Kip says.
“I’m not a person---here, do girls sit next to each other touching each other because they are bisexual?” I ask, tipping the screen I’m looking at towards him.
“Yeah, no, that’s just a girl thing---I mean they could be but no, girls just do that, men don’t ‘cause we’re too afraid of being called gay not that there’s anything wrong with that except we are so clearly there is,” he says, shrugging.
“Right, that’s what I was thinking,” I say.
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