Chick che … flash.
I knew it wasn’t for the camera.
Chick che … flash.
It was for me.
As a photographer, I know when my subject gives me something. Without words, it’s given. Its natural what transpires between us, and I’m entirely bewitched. All my nerve endings ignite and pass through me like an electromotive force. The world comes to a standstill, like everything around her goes out of focus—only Mable never is. And at that moment something came over me, and all I could think was this: how much I wanted to leave my fingerprints on her curves.
“Are you just going to stand there and stare?” she said. The breeze blew her hair around.
When I didn’t answer, she smiled and continued on. This journey … The path I’d been following had left me broken and alone, but it had also led me right to this moment—where I was supposed to be. And I knew this, but it was fear that paralyzed me. I knew what love could do once you let it in because—the moment you let your guard down, settled and happy—life would twist that road, bringing disruption and loss along with it. Nothing lasts forever, even love, but yet the heart continues to whisper.
When we reached the end of the bridge, I found Mable looking up. “Simon, stop, you’re missing it all.” She took the camera from my hands.
“What?”
“This moment, life as it is … Aren’t you tired of living behind that thing? I don’t know about you, but I’m played out in front of it. No more until we leave, all right?” I watched her take a few steps back.
“Look around you.” She held her arms out, my camera still in her hand. “Wherever we are … whatever street this is … it’s just so breathtaking … Paris is just beautiful.” She twirled around.
“It’s not as gorgeous as you,” I murmured, making Mable stop and stare. A smile grew as she walked over toward me.
“You think I’m beautiful?” she said. The heat traveled to my face and everywhere else. “Tell me … again.”
“You know I hate repeating myself,” I said, peering down at her.
“Say it, because I want to memorize your lips when you do.” Her bright eyes trailed down to my mouth. I desired to enter another dimension that only dwelled in us. Where no past, no pain could exist. That was what it was like to be in the presence of a wildflower. It always made me feel like a clean slate might be possible.
“Not unless you give me back my camera,” I said. She gave it a thought before answering.
“Nope, never.” She was about to walk away, but I pulled her back into my arms.
“I can’t believe how gorgeous you are. I don’t know, being here with you should be easy … It frightens me.”
“What are you afraid of?” She looked at me with those eyes that went through my core.
“Losing you,” I said.
“You keep saying that, but I’m here waiting for you, Simon,” she whispered. I leaned in and claimed what my lips hungered for. Then, for the first time, I felt something I hadn’t felt in a while.
Alive.
Simon was quiet. He said little after he kissed me. After he abruptly pulled away.
He disconnected …
I thought it would be clear what he wanted, what made him happy, but when his vibrant eyes found mine in the back seat of the dark cab, en route to our hotel, I understood it wasn’t as simple as that. We would never be two straight lines, hoping one day we’d find ourselves aligned. No, we were like the ocean, with waves that depended not only on timing but on the endless procession of physics. We crashed together with an equal hunger for love, but the same turn of rushing water tore us apart with the turbulence of grief. One thing was for sure: after this feverish night, either way, nothing would be left unchanged.
When we walked into Simon’s room, I watched him remove his coat, then place his camera on the surface of the hotel desk. I stood there wondering what would happen next—talk? But I had had enough of talking—was sick and tired of this red light, green light we were playing. I wanted to remove the lines, let it go further than we’d ever been. He’d started something; his lips had enslaved me like a drug. If this should be the only and last time we’d touch, I will forever chase the memory of it.
There was a short pause before he turned around, and when he did, he found me leaning against the wall close to the entrance. If Simon had had any insight into my demeanor, he would have realized that I was not sure of myself, or what to do next.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Done what?” I flashed him a small smile.
“Kissed you … again,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Yes, you should, and more often. You’re a hell of a good kisser,” I said, and he chuckled. There’s nothing subtle here, so why try to make things delicate? “Good gracious, I don’t think I’ve ever been kissed like that.” I glanced back at him.
All this time there’d been a strong connection between us that seemed to grow. The desire we found in each other—now it was clear, all revealed every time we kissed. We could continue, pretending there was nothing, but what would be the point? It would be easier for me to ignore a big hole in my living room floor than to ignore the magnitude of the attraction we felt for each other.
“Come here,” he urged, leaning back on his desk. When I got close enough, he brushed the strands of hair from my face. “You should always be kissed like that … but only by me.” His voice came out huskily, his eyes matching mine.
“I have no problem with that.”
“Mable, I don’t want you to think this is the reason I invited you to stay with me.” He inhaled a deep breath. “I don’t want you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with.”
I liked the way he was looking out for me, trying to protect me even from himself.
“We’re both adults, Simon. I think we know what’s coming next.”
“Is it that obvious that I want you?” He searched my face.
“Yeah … Isn’t that what started this?” I smiled. “Our friendship is built on the founding fact that you wanted me.”
“And you didn’t want me?” He knits his eyebrows together.
“No …” I teasingly pushed away from his grasp.
“Liar.” He drew me closer.
“Well, not at first,” I lied, pulling away from his grasp. I slid off my jacket and set it on the settee across the room. I wanted Simon like every kid wants candy when they see it. But as I got to know Simon, it had become less of a matter of wanting, and become entirely something else. I was in love with my best friend.
“Hmm … as I recall, it started because I bailed your arse out of a jam.” He lightly pushed off his desk and began making his way toward me, his eyes never leaving mine.
“My ass, you say? You got that part right.” I beamed. His lips went up at the sides, and now he was standing tall before me. I saw it in his eyes; he was as nervous as I was. There was a lot at stake, especially because we both wanted to cross that line but didn’t want to destroy what we had already built. Then, for those reasons alone, we were in the perfect place to take this forward.
“I had this vivid dream about you last night,” he began.
My heart started to beat faster, and my legs felt a little unsteady. “Really?” My eyes widened. “What was it about?”
“I can’t believe I’m telling you this …”
“Was I any good?” I pressed on, amused by his sudden bashfulness.
“I … it’s just that I can’t get you off my mind.”
“So then don’t.”
“God, I have this thirst for you … But there are still things you don’t know about me. What I’m trying to say is you deserve so much more.”
He might be right, but I don’t care. There was nothing to derail, not when you gathered enough momentum.
He continued. “I will let you down. I always disappoint the people I care about.” He was inches away from my face, and I could smell the sweet scents of m
int and grapefruit. He stood there without touching me, allowing me to cling with anticipation. His eyes begged me, like an undisclosed warning … Caution: proceed at your own risk.
“You can’t disappoint me if I know what I’m getting into. We both know we don’t have time for each other with the lives we lead. So don’t overthink it. Let’s make whatever time we have here not more than it is—we’re just two people enjoying each other’s company.” I shrugged. I was okay with no strings attached. Without any reservations, I was attracted to Simon and felt safe when I was around him. I was here because I wanted to be. There was a spark that started inside me, and I would have done or said anything to keep the fire going, even if it meant that, after tonight, we owed nothing to each other. I wanted to live in the moment; there was no sacrifice in that.
“So where do we go from here?” His voice was low, and my breath was picking up the pace.
“That depends on you … What do you want, Simon?”
“You.” He licked his lips and his eyes grew darker, providing many feelings throughout my body, as though, if he didn’t touch me now, I would die.
“I want your curves, your touch … your mouth on mine.”
The inflection of his tone ran right through me. With his fingers, he loosened my blue scarf and let it slip to the floor. I could feel his warm breath on my face and my heart’s rhythm picked up the pace. He lowered his face, kissing me slowly, but soon becoming intrusive, inducing hunger within me. His hands trailed the length of my body. I knew what he wanted from me, what we both wanted from each other … to lose ourselves.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” he whispered, as a last attempt to put a wedge between us. I know he thinks I can’t handle this, and his concern for me only spikes my desire for him even more. Is it a crime to wish for a moment you may later regret? I didn’t want to think about grief. I wanted what we had now.
“Just stop … stop giving me any more reasons to like you.” I smiled between kisses, and he lightly laughed.
“I promise … I won’t give you any more reasons. From here on out you’re responsible for your own actions. I will not be accountable for any more increased likes on my part.” His hands went through my hair.
“Great, now stop talking and … more …” I said, out of breath, allowing his lips to caress the curve of my neck. His touch was addictive, causing a wave of euphoric sensation that ran throughout my body.
“God, Mable, why do I get the feeling you’re going to kill me.” His kisses went beyond my neck, and I surrendered to my senses.
“I promise I’ll go easy on you.” One by one I allowed my fingers to play with the buttons of his shirt, pushing it off his shoulders, letting it fall. We kissed as we slowly paced ourselves toward the bedroom, removing each piece of clothing one at a time, allowing it to fall wherever it may. No shirt, no pants, my silk underwear lying casually on the floor, everything was removed until there was just skin.
“You’re so soft,” he murmured as we lay in the unmade bed, burning for each other and hoping we survived it enough to do it all over again. Hopefully, we’d make it out alive.
“I want every inch of you,” he whispered as his kisses trailed the length of me. “God, you’re so beautiful.”
“Don’t stop,” I said in a hushed tone, as the water washed over us, pulling us out to the ocean, and I didn’t care if my feet never touched the sand again.
Even before I opened my eyes, I could feel the warmth of her body pressed up against mine, like we were two pieces of a puzzle. We had spaces that needed to be filled, and every edge and curve came together so beautifully. It made me wonder if she had been the only piece I ever needed. I had given myself many reasons to justify what we did last night, but there was only one I hoped for. She was the elixir for my soul, a new breath of life. The love that once had shattered me had now put me back together. I wasn’t sure if I could be affected like this again. As it turned out, she had the magic, touched me in places I thought no one could ever reach. Mable was everything … and it made what we had thrilling and terrifying all at the same time.
I opened my eyes and found her lovely face pushed up against the pillow beside me. The morning sun caught the highlights of her golden hair, making her seem less real. I allowed my fingers to brush the strands away from her face. No, she wasn’t a hallucination. And when her eyes fluttered opened, it sent sweltering heat throughout my body.
“Good morning, love.”
“Good morning.” She gave me a lazy smile and reached over for something on the nightstand. Mable sat up, placing her hearing aids back in her ears; at some point in the evening, she must have removed them. “How are you feeling?” she asked, reading my mind.
There had been other women after Racheal. In those early days of grief, my life had been headed in a spiral, because once I got rolling in the sheets, it felt impossible to stop. I wanted to forget what I had lost, lose myself within them. That’s all it ever was. That’s not what it had been last night with Mable. With her, I wanted to gain everything, and I knew what we had was irreplaceable.
“Otherworldly, fantastic.” I pull her down next to me.
“Yeah, me too.” She blushes.
My hand trailed down to her neck, allowing my fingers to play with the silver chain that hung around it.
“It used to belong to my mother,” she said. “I don’t know why I wear it, because there are times I resent her.” Her eyes diverted to the ceiling. “I remember the day she left, the way my dad begged her to stay … It was heartbreaking to watch, but I couldn’t turn away. It’s like that moment in my life had cemented itself most depressingly. No matter what I do in my life, it seems to be overshadowed by that memory.” Mable’s doleful eyes found mine.
“Well, time forces us to move forward, and memories hold us back. I believe when we love someone so much, and they leave us … all that love, it gets stuck inside us, and after a while, it seems as though we haunt them instead,” I said, tracing the outline with my fingers from her shoulders to the curve of her hips. “Memories exist only for the sole purpose of showing us a life lived right or wrong. But it doesn’t mean we should have that book open all the time. Sometimes it’s okay to leave it on the top shelf.”
“What do we do? A couple of broken people?”
“Together we’ll find better glue.” I repeated her words back to her.
“I was high on chocolate, what the hell do I know?” Mable laughed.
“You made perfect sense. I mean, you don’t always.” A smile spread across my face and Mable gasped, pushing me farther away, but I didn’t move, only drew her closer.
“For the first time in a long time, I feel like everything’s right with the world.” I nuzzled my face in the crook of her neck, and she squirmed underneath me. “You, me, here … nothing else could be more perfect.” I saw a shadow fall over her eyes. “Do you have any regrets?” I asked.
“Yes, I do.”
“What?” I pulled back to get a better look at her face.
“I regret … that we have a plane to catch in nine hours, and I don’t want to leave this bed.”
“It doesn’t have to end,” I said, knowing what I wanted, more of this, more than inside a bedroom … maybe even to venture out and hope for a future … together.
“No?” she said.
I slipped my fingers through her silky hair and kissed her tenderly. First her lips, then her neck, and when I did, she closed her eyes and swayed her body closer. Like a feline, she gently rubbed up against me, igniting new desires.
“What are we now?” she whispered seductively. “Is this friendship … with benefits?”
In my heart, I knew that wasn’t true. No strings attached? Not possible, when they were already affixed to Mable, every single strand knotted.
“Mable, I’ve been thinking. Am I the only crazy one who believes that this could work?”
“What are you saying?” She fluttered her eyes open. “You want to be together—fo
r this to be more?”
“Yeah, don’t say you never thought about it,”
“I did … I do, it’s just, I thought—” She looked at me with clear eyes. “You don’t get involved with people you work with,”
“Well, it’s too late for that, love. You’re my only exception.” Her eyes were bright, drawing me in. “No matter what you put between us, we’ll always find a way around it. Why fight it? I hope this is something we both want.” I braced my head in my hands, casting my eyes down at her. “Want to be my Aphrodite?”
“You don’t want me to be your Aphrodite, Simon. She was nothing but trouble for Adonis.”
“Christ, hopefully you’ll be worth the trouble.” I gazed reluctantly. “What I have with you, I’ve never had with anyone. I’m trying to work out my regrets in my head and my heart. That I have to give myself permission to move on. I feel deeply for you, Mable, I really do. And if you accept me for all I am … that I might never get my shit together, but I will try for you. Please let me prove myself to be the man you need me to be.”
She climbed on top of me, her hands on my bare chest. I wondered if she could feel my heart beating under her palms, the rhythm already altered … It beat only for her. I glanced up at Mable. She was like a mirage; I wasn’t sure if I could trust my vision. Her hair disheveled and her face bare, this is how she looks her best. She’s so beautiful, my muse.
My Aphrodite.
“I’m in love with you.” I wasn’t sure if I was truly ready to say it out loud, but around Mable, I didn’t want to hold anything back, not anymore. Love was a reality you chose to be a part of, and I needed to know if Mable was ready to be part of mine.
“Oh, you don’t love me. You love this, what we do,” she said, trying to hide her eyes, and I knew it was fear that kept them away from me. Mable was scared I would hurt her, but I never intended to do so.
“I may be slightly damaged, Mable, but never mistake me for a confused man.” I lightly pulled her wrists to get her to look back at me. When she refused, I rolled her on her back, gently pinning her underneath me.
Lyrical Lights Page 19
