Oh?
When were we ever on the table?
The door from across the hall opened up, and an older woman with a forest-green bathrobe stood there behind us. And even though our clamorous tone was the reason for her dejected look, she’d never liked me since the day I moved in.
“Sorry, Mrs. Tansley, we’ll be quieter.” And with no change in her expression, she closed the door.
I turned the key and pushed into my apartment. “See, you’re always getting me into trouble … you’ve been nothing but trouble since the day we met.” I never intended for it to come out malicious, but my heart had been stalling for time, hoping it would be rescued, and she had become impatient and ferocious. I had walked away from probably the best thing in my life. Maybe I should have told him that, but I was so afraid for history to repeat itself—I feared I would always be stuck in this limbo.
I walked into my living room. When I didn’t hear Simon’s footsteps behind me, I turned, looking for him, but Simon remained outside in the hallway, looking pensive.
“Aren’t you coming in?” I frowned.
“No.” He shook his head, and I caught something in his eyes. “I should be going.” He placed my bag at the entrance without setting foot in my home.
“Okay.” He might as well leave. I had nothing else to tell him, and nothing to give, because he already had it.
“It makes little sense.”
“What’s that?”
“You were in no rush to get married—yet here you are … And you don’t even know him.”
“Simon.”
“No. No, I get it … It was just something you never wanted with me,” he said, hiding his pain behind a half smile. He couldn’t be more wrong.
“I don’t know what it is you want from me.”
“I want you to be honest with yourself—because I think you’re a liar. You’re misleading yourself if you believe it could work out.”
I sighed with no motivation to continue. “Can we pretend that none of this matters, because I could use a friend right now?”
“Friend? We could never be friends, Mable. You were like home, and yet we didn’t officially live together. I feel like there was so much more left between us that should have happened. I have so much love to spare, you know?”
“Simon.”
“I want you to know what I had—with you, it was the best time of my life. You were the most important thing to me, but somehow you lost faith in us, and I can’t tell you how gutted I am to know that.” He gulped in a long breath, keeping it for a moment before letting it go. “But in no way did I ever see myself as someone who was nothing but trouble for the woman I love. I’m sorry, Mable, if that’s all I ever meant. I tried to make you happy—I really did—because all I ever wanted was you.”
My heart took a plunge. “Look I didn’t mean it like that—Simon.” I put my hand on my face in frustration. “I have a lot on my plate right now.”
“I realize that.” He looked down. “And you don’t need any more. That’s why I will leave you to get some rest. Get yourself a good night’s sleep, love.” His eyes washed over me as if he were trying to take a mental photograph, like this was the last time. Why did it feel like the last time?
Then in the next moment, he was gone, leaving me there feeling unresolved.
My parents were unaware I was watching them through an open door. There my father lay in a hospital bed, and Elaine was sitting on the edge, talking about the past and behaving like nothing had transpired between them. They seemed almost happy. And so I had to question everything I knew about love and forgiveness—could you have one without the other? If my parents had found peace after eighteen years, why couldn’t I? After last night, I had wondered where it left me with Simon, especially after how it ended. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought I could move on from this, seeing how remorseful Simon was, but I’d allowed my pride to get in the way, and now I’d hurt him.
I heard footsteps coming up from behind me. “Do you see what I’m seeing?” When Gloria came close enough, she handed me a paper cup of coffee. We both watched my mother and father smiling, their hands intertwined like they were a couple of teenagers.
“I guess it could be worse.” A faint smile lingered on her lips.
“Yeah, how?”
“They could be killing each other.” Leave it to Gloria to reveal the bright side of things.
“You have a point,” I said, and we sipped our coffees simultaneously. “I don’t know … I just don’t get it,” I said, without looking at her.
“What is it you don’t get?”
“Why love has to be so complicated,” I said under my breath.
“Oh, Mable, love is not an easy thing to explain.” She shrugged. “We go in blindly, and sometimes we get hurt, we forgive, and we do it all over again, because in love we must be brave. It’s the only thing worth fighting for.”
I wondered if she was talking about my parents or Simon.
“Look, I owe you an apology,” Gloria said after we shared a moment of silence.
“For what?” I asked.
“For not minding my business. I told Simon that you were getting hitched.” She gave me an innocent smile. “I know it wasn’t my place to tell him.”
I knew better; she wasn’t remorseful. “It’s all right. I’m surprised he didn’t know about it sooner,” I said, knowing that it would be a matter of time before everyone would see the truth— plastered in every rag magazine even Gloria had no clue about.
“How would he have known?” Her eyebrows scrunched together in the middle. “He’s been in India, living in a remote area for the past few months,” Gloria said.
At some point, I had stopped asking about Simon’s whereabouts. I thought it would be easier not to worry about him if I didn’t know where he was.
I turned to look at her. “I wanted to ask you something,” I said.
“Okay.”
“Did you know Vanessa and Julian had a relationship and that it ended when she got pregnant?”
She hesitated before saying, “I only know about the rumors that were circulating … But you know it happened a while ago.”
“Did you know Julian wanted her to get an abortion?”
Gloria slightly shrugged. “I wasn’t sure if it was true.”
“So why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because what difference would it make? You always do what you want, and I was afraid that if I tried to discourage you from marrying Julian, it would motivate you even more. I knew it would be a matter a time before you came to your senses.”
“What happened to the baby?”
“I was told Vanessa miscarried.” Gloria faced me, and I stood there under her watchful eyes. “Why are you asking me this?”
“Something Simon said last night. I’m just curious.” I shrugged.
“How did it go with Simon?”
“Not good. I did a great job of pushing him so far away that now I think he might never talk to me again.”
“I’m sorry. I feel it’s my fault.” Her compassionate brown eyes offered no comfort.
“No, it’s my fault. I should have been honest with him. Anyways, I’m sure I’ll see him around today and I’ll try to patch things up.”
Her head snapped up, searching my face. “He didn’t tell you?” Gloria asked as I felt the heat rise in the back of my neck.
“Tell me what?”
“The man is intolerable. I can’t believe he didn’t tell you.” Gloria took her phone out of her purse. I was not sure what she was looking for.
“What was he supposed to say, Gloria?”
“That he’s on an assignment for some European news magazine. This time he’s headed somewhere in the Middle East.”
“What?” I blinked several times. “When is he leaving?”
“This afternoon.”
I looked into Gloria’s doleful eyes, and now everything made perfect sense. Gloria had told Simon that I was getting marrie
d to provoke something between Simon and me, to stop us from leaving each other. Whatever she had imagined the outcome to be had backfired. An elusive sound of glass shattering was coming from my heart. If I lose Simon forever, I know there’s no coming back from the blow.
“I wanted to tell you, but then all this stuff happened with your dad. Simon came back two weeks ago looking for you. He had no idea you were living in Italy until I told him. It’s clear that with this new lifestyle Simon is leading—the more places he goes, the more chances he will get himself into trouble. I suspect he came back to make his peace and say goodbye … you know … in case.”
I couldn’t muster a word with a big lump in my throat.
“Why don’t we sit down?” Gloria led me toward the empty chairs in the hallway.
“You warned me about Simon,” I stated, feeling another emotion creeping in. He was coming, not for me, but to settle some unfinished business. It was to make himself feel better. “I should have never gotten involved with him.”
“You don’t mean that. I was so wrong to discourage you, and I’m glad you never listen, because think about the good things you would have missed out.”
“We were never meant to be.”
“Look, Mable, not everyone you love will leave you. I think we miss the point about love, that no human being is bound solely to us. What’s important is that they come back.”
I sat there focusing on the little hole in the wall across from us. I love Simon. Shit, it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
I wished I loved Nutella more.
“You know, nothing you will say to me is going to make me feel better.”
“Oh, the only thing that would do that is seeing Simon before he leaves.”
“He doesn’t want to see me.” I gave her an exasperated look. “It’s not like him to leave without saying goodbye.”
“Maybe it’s too hard for him to walk away from you. Did you ever think of that?” Her eyebrows rose. “You could still catch him at his apartment if you leave now.”
“You have a point. I should make things right,” I said, slowly getting up from my seat.
“Yes, go!” Gloria said from behind me as I rushed towards the elevators.
I had tripped right into this bitter hole, and now I risked losing the only thing that brought joy to my life. It’s hard to swallow when you realize you’re the cause of your own demise. And now he was leaving.
Sitting in the back of a cab, all kinds of scenarios played out in my mind, but the one thing I couldn’t imagine was my life without Simon. I needed him to be thriving somewhere out there in the world. I didn’t think I was a good enough reason to get him to stay after the way I had behaved yesterday. Am I going to beg him to stick around? Do I even have the right to?
I looked out the window and caught sight of Simon coming out of his apartment building, making his way to a yellow taxicab at the curb.
“Stop, stop right here,” I yelled to the driver. “Keep the change.” I scrambled out of the car, and my eyes fell on his.
“Mable, what are you doing here?” His face was clean-shaven, his hair slicked back and damp.
“After everything we’ve been through, weren’t you at least going to say goodbye?” I said, short of breath. “Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?” Again.
“I thought you were mad at me.” He shrugged. “And I didn’t believe you cared.”
“Oh, you’re full of shit, Simon Rowe.”
“Maybe I am.” A slow smile spread across his thin lips. I’d never thought I’d see the day when I would chase after a man, but Simon wasn’t just any man—he was mine. A proclamation that was only known to me. For now.
“For your information, I wasn’t mad at you,” I clarified.
“You told me to go to hell.” His eyebrows perked up.
“Correction, I said—screw you.”
“Oh, right.” He smirked.
“Yeah, so … I say a lot of things. Since when do you take me seriously?”
“Mable, I have to go.” His eyes were dispirited, making me think he wished for more time, too.
“I know. I need a minute.”
He must have sensed the desperation in my voice, because it was enough for him to walk over to the driver to say something, then make his way back. His duffel bag hung by four fingers behind his back.
“I’m not marrying Julian. We were on a break before I left Italy. So if you want to say I told you so … go right ahead,” I shrugged. “I deserve it.”
“No. I’m not going to say anything. None of it matters as long as you’re okay. That was the only concern of mine.”
“Why are you going?” I said, staring at his face.
“Mable.”
“I know I have no right to say this … to ask you to stay, but I don’t want you to go, because I feel like if I do, I’ll never see you again.” My eyes blurred.
“You think something will happen to me?” His eyes softened.
“I know you’re capable of putting yourself in harm’s way if you have a purpose.”
Simon was a man in search of truth. I knew that about him. That’s what made him good at what he did. His job was to validate reality, and his photographs were a way to document people’s lives, getting others to care enough to do something. He was putting faces to statistics. It was only a matter of time before he was ready to do more, even if it meant risking his life, and so I understood why he needed to go out there. This was his calling, but it didn’t make it easier for me to accept it. Then I realized I wasn’t there to stop him from going, but to let him go.
“Nothing is going to happen to me,” he said, calm, with no signs of fear in his eyes.
“How could you say that, knowing there’s a chance that something could go wrong?” I said, thinking maybe the art of letting go was more of a process.
“Look, Mable, I know you care about me, but I don’t have time to argue.” He gave a quiet laugh. “I’ve got people depending on me. I can’t miss my flight.”
Care? No, that wasn’t the only thing. I was madly in love with him, and there was no more valuable time to tell him than now.
“I wanted you to know you were right about everything. I’ve been hiding behind excuses because it scared me to be with you, but all this made me realize that I’m even more scared to live without you. What I’m trying to say is I—”
“Just stop.” He gave me a weak smile, closing in on the distance between us. “It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me what I already know.”
“But I—”
“Love you.” He cut me off and brushed the hair from my face. “I love you. I love you … I will forever love you.” He whispered close to my ear. “Just always remember that … I got to go, love.” He sighed heavily, then touched his forehead with mine.
“So this is goodbye.” I looked down at the concrete sidewalk. If I looked him in the eyes, I would lose it.
“Goodbye? No … It’s never goodbye. I could never say those words to you,” he stated in a half whisper, making me feel like a puddle of water, my heart in total disarray.
“Don’t worry about me, Mable. It will be okay. I’ll see you when I get back? Yeah?” His voice was hoarse, kissing my forehead before opening the door to the cab. As I watched him, it felt like the end of the world was near, like the walls were coming down all around us. Nothing mattered, not the things we had fought about, the stupidest things that were keeping us apart. None of it had any meaning at this moment. I had realized it too late.
“Walter,” I said.
Simon suddenly stopped midair, and without words, he came right up, pulling me into his arms. He kissed me like it would be the last time. This was the truth—it was home.
“Shh—it’s going to be all right.” He placed his hands in my hair, and everything told me this would be the last time I’d see him. But my heart whispered, he’ll come back.
“That’s an empty promise,” I said with teary eyes.
“No, it’s not. I need you to know something.” He raised my chin up, looked into my eyes. “You’re my focal point, Mable. No matter where I go or how far, I will make my way back to you … I always come back to what’s mine.” He kissed me gently.
I had to trust his words and let him go, because that’s what you do when you truly love someone. His eyes dragged over my face just before he slid into the back of the taxi. I stood there, not able to move, following the yellow cab as it drove off, disappearing from my sight, leaving me alone, in full view of anyone who might be watching me.
I often think about life and what it is we are in search of. One way or another, we always seem to want to arrive at something or to someone, but what if we take things for what they are and just relish the present? We might as well. When this moment passes—it will never happen again.
I stood in a white room, watching the people pour in from the streets. The more the room filled up—the more anxious I got. The last time I was this nervous and excited was on my wedding day, but tonight was special, too. It was the opening night for my new exhibition, The Human Eye. Everything this project represented was now on the walls: pictures I took from my travels all over the world were now in plain sight. I saw a few familiar faces in the crowd—Gloria, and Tracy, who had been married now for a while, and were processing papers for adoption. Noah, who came to show his support, had brought his boyfriend, Dan. They were introduced by our mutual best friend, Mable. At first, I had told her it would be a bad idea to play the matchmaker, because I had known Noah longer and knew he wouldn’t go for something like that. Second, if things went sour, who did she think would be blamed? But her stubbornness persevered like it always does. This time I was glad it did, because Noah seemed happy.
The Harpers were there too, Charlie had made a full recovery and was back together with Elaine, who appeared to be going stronger with time despite the past—they made it work. And Elaine, regardless of what she had missed out on in Mable’s childhood, had proven herself to be the mother Mable needed now. The only person I was glad was not there that night was Vanessa. We hadn’t spoken to each other since that whole story she’d sold to the rag magazine. All I knew was Vanessa had gotten married to a retired F1 race car driver and was now living somewhere in Switzerland, according to U magazine. I wished her well; I did—but she was not for me to worry about, not anymore.
Lyrical Lights Page 26
