FAITHLESS
By
Amanda Bennett
Copyright ©2013 By Amanda Bennett
All rights reserved. Printed in the United States
No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form or by any means electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval systems, without prior written permission of the author except where permitted by law.
The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Cover art by Robin Harper/Wicked By Design
Other books by Amanda Bennett
This Love of Mine (Raine Series #1)
This Trust of Mine (Raine Series #2)
This Heart of Mine (Raine Series #3)
Misguided Heart
Beautifully Broken (Broken Series #1)
Breaking Beautiful (Broken Series #2)
Unbreakable Hearts (Broken Series #3)
Time To Let Go
Coming Soon
My One Regret NOVEMBER 2013
When I Fall CHRISTMAS 2013
(All dates are subject to change)
You can find Author Amanda Bennett at the following:
www.authoramandabennett.com
www.facebook.com/authoramandabennett
www.twitter.com/AmandaBennett81
www.goodreads.com/author/show/6550967.Amanda_Bennett
This book is for anyone who has been abused, bullied or felt as though they had nothing to live for. There is always someone out there who will be there for you; sometimes it just takes finding the right person. Just remember there is help out there:
Child Abuse:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
800 799 SAFE
Suicide
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
800 273 TALK
A huge thanks to everyone who constantly supports me and reads my books. You all are amazing beyond belief.
A special thanks to:
Jennifer Foor (Author) Rebecca Donovan (Author)
Thank you for all the support.
Robin Harper (Cover Artist)
Cami Krystyniak (Editor)
You are the one that keeps me moving along, even when I want to give up. You are an awesome editor and even more amazing best friend.
Thank you to all of my new friends on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads. Y'all are amazingly wonderful people.
Thank you to all the book bloggers that have helped spread the word for all of my books, and that have taken the time to read and review my work. I seriously couldn't have asked for better people in my life.
Everyone with The Rock Stars of Romance, Denise & Nic with Flirty and Dirty Book Blog, Sugar and Spice Book Reviews, Into The Night Reviews, I Heart Books, Hardcover Therapy, The Secret Book Brat, Morning After A Good Book, Bridger Bitches book Blog, Winding Stairs Book Blog, Falling Into Fall Book Blog, Sandwich Making Bitch Book Blog, Totally Booked, Book Crush..just to name a few. Everyone else who has supported me, you know who you are.
A HUGE thank you to my amazing beta readers and amazing friends. Y'all are AH-mazing:
Mechelle Lovell-Jackson, Emma Clifton, Kayla Kennedy and Kristy Davidson.
Table of Contents
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Epilogue
Prologue
The crisp night air rustled my soft brown tendrils, making them tickle my cheeks, as I glanced down one last time at my bare toes dangling over the sandy edge. The sounds of cars passing below barely registered in my mind, as I'm thinking of the things that I no longer have control over. Another gust of wind whips across my hyper sensitive skin, sending chills down my spine. A slight shiver has me crossing my arms over my chest to keep in the minimal amount of warmth still flowing through my body. The vast Pacific Ocean looks serene and unbelievably calm at this hour and I can't help but realize the draw people have to its embrace.
I was never one to try surfing, let alone swimming in the ocean. I've lived in California my entire life, but I have always been so deathly afraid of the unknown, that my body would never allow for it. It's insignificant now. Visions of my past haunt me as I stare at least a thousand feet below me. This is what it all has come to, a choice. A choice between living and dying. My heart has given up, my mind has gone blank, and my body is exhausted from living in survival mode for the last eighteen years.
For the first time since I was born, this is my choice, and mine alone. I have no connections and I won't be leaving behind people who care. In all honesty, I have no one who will truly miss me.
I let my weightless arms fly out to my sides, letting the wind take them with it. I feel free, and for the first time...alive. My lifeless eyes take one last look at the beautiful shades of green and blue below me, and just before my eyes flutter shut, I spot a dolphin breaking through the surface of the water. A small smile forms across my lips, but it doesn't reach my eyes. I take it as a sign, as I take in one last deep breath of the oceanic air. I don't squeeze my eyes shut, as most people would in my position. I just let them close with ease and lean forward, slow, but deliberately my feet lift from the cool hard ground and I let my body take flight. Some may call this a copout, but I call it freedom. For the first time ever, I am free.
Chapter One
Seven Days Later
Riley
I cracked open my eyes just enough to catch the sunrise break through the horizon. I know it's early, but sleep has been evading me since I was placed on my supposed 5150 hold. It's been seven days since I tried to end my life. Seven long days. And everyday since, I have cursed the guy who took it upon himself to yank away my choice to end my miserable existence. I lay in bed for a while staring aimlessly at the yellowed ceiling, when suddenly I hear the inevitable knock, signaling that it's time for morning group, and I roll my eyes in mock anticipation.
I take my time dressing in my typical outfit of tattered jeans and an overly big sweater. I take one last glance in the mirror, realizing that I should probably just pull the mess of brown on top of my head, into a high messy bun. I smirk at my appearance knowing that my "counselor" will most likely comment on my lack of effort. I don't care though. I stopped caring a long time ago. I've come to terms with the fact that all I need to do is appease my counselor enough to make him believe that I'm better, so I can be rid of this place and myself.
"Morning session, Riley. Let's go before you're late."
Ugh, why can't they just leave me alone? I slip on my mandated black slippers and make
my way out to the main corridor. If they really wanted people to feel better in this place, a paint job would do wonders. The muted grey and beige make me want to vomit everyday I have to look at them. I push my hands in my front pockets, as I head towards the group meeting room. As I walk into the large open space, I scan the room of the all too familiar faces. No one looks in one another's direction, I haven't figured out why yet, but I'm not too concerned with it. Hopefully, I'll only be here for a few more days and then I'll never have to see these people, ever again.
I take my usual seat near the back window, arms crossed firmly over my chest and my feet tucked under me. My eyes don't glance around the room again, until the booming of our counselor's voice echoes through vast open space.
"Morning everybody. Looks like we are all doing well this morning, no?"
I shake my head in disbelief. Really? Do we all look like we are doing, well? An hour, that's all I have to do, is get through the next hour. Hopefully he will bypass me like he does every other session. My eyes are fixated on the small black ink stain on the tile floor below me, when I hear a chair scoot back against the floor, making a loud screeching noise. It immediately catches my attention, and I glance up into a pair of scrutinizing eyes as blue as the ocean. I quickly divert my attention back to the ink stain on the floor. Before I have another second to think about the familiarity of those eyes, Mr. Rollins clears his voice.
"Today we're going to do something a little bit different."
This catches my attention, and I'm slowly burning holes into Mr. Rollins’ eyes, but he continues regardless.
"Everybody is going to say something today, but not to the entire group. Today we are going to turn to the person next to us, and share one fact about ourselves with them. But, this one fact has to be something you have never told anybody else before."
He's staring directly at me as he says this and the only thing I can do is roll my eyes.
"Okay, so let's begin. Turn your chairs to the person to whichever side you want and decide between the two of you who will go first. There are enough of you that everyone should have a partner."
I hesitantly stand to turn my chair, knowing I will be faced with the guy that has those amazing blue eyes and it has my stomach turning. I reposition myself in the same position I was in, before I had to move. I wait for him to speak, but nothing comes out. I try to resist the urge to look up at him, but find myself doing it anyway. His eyes are questioning and waiting, for what I'm not sure, but I'm sure as hell not going to be the one to say something first.
I give a slight raise of my eyebrows as I find myself, for the first time in a long time, engrossed by the face staring back at me.
"Do you want me to go first?"
His voice is husky, but soft. It feels like a warm blanket wrapping around my hardened soul. My reaction to this guy has me perplexed. I've never felt emotion, except for hatred and anger, and now I'm feeling...well, I'm not quite sure what I'm feeling. I give a nod of my head, not wanting to speak, knowing my voice will be shaky. I cannot let this guy know the affect he is having on me.
As I wait for him to speak again, I find myself tracing every line and facet of his face with my eyes. He has a strong squared jaw that leads to perfectly proportionate ears. His hair is short and disheveled. If I had to guess, I would say he just rolled out of bed like I did. He apparently hasn't shaved in quite some time because he has the outline of a beard, and for some odd reason, I want to reach out and touch it. As I make my way back up to those mesmerizing bright blue eyes with possibly the longest black lashes I have ever seen, I catch sight of his dimples as a small smile forms on his lips and I know from that moment on, things with this guy will never be simple.
"Are you done?"
His voice comes out ragged, but he doesn't seem perturbed by my actions and I'm thankful for that.
"I don't know what you're talking about." My voice comes out barely above a whisper. Not at all how I had intended it to.
He smiles as he straightens in his chair. "I tried to kill myself seven days ago."
His response doesn't shock me, "Haven't we all?" I know I'm coming off mean and resentful, but that's pretty much what we are all here for.
"Aren't we supposed to tell one another something we have never told anybody?"
His smile fades just a smidgen and I can't help but feel victorious. "Fine, then you go."
"My mother tried to drown me when I was three." I instantly cover my mouth. I can't believe I just told him that. I have never spoken of my mother to anyone, especially no one in this god-forsaken place. My honesty, as I talk to this guy scares me and I instantly regret my words.
His hand reaches out for mine, but I instantly pull away. I don't need his pity. I don't need anything from anybody. "Your turn." I whisper.
"I've tried to kill myself five times since I was twenty."
"And how old are you now?"
"Twenty-four."
I nod my head, for once acknowledging what someone in this hellhole is telling me. My body relaxes as he looks at me, but I can't help but feel like I know this guy. I brush it off to my constant paranoia and focus on my intertwined fingers that are now sitting in my lap.
"You don't talk much do you?"
I shake my head, not wanting to make eye contact with him again. Every time I look at him, words just spew from my mouth.
"Are you not going to look at me anymore?'" His voice is now deeper and I can feel his hot minty breath sweeping across my face. All I can do is shake my head. "Can I at least know your name?"
Without looking up, I answer him. "Riley."
"Riley huh? I like it. Seems to suit you."
I quickly glance up and his face is mere inches from mine. "How would you know what suits me? You don't even know me."
His lips are now centimeters away from my ear and my body is humming with his close proximity. "Because Riley, I plan to get to know you."
I shake my head in what I think is annoyance, but I'm not positive. "You're sadly mistaken...whatever your name is." I scoff and turn my body away from his.
"It's Tristan, just in case you were wondering." I could see his smirk out of the corner of my eye.
"Well, I wasn't wondering."
I could see that he wanted to speak again, but just as he opened his mouth Mr. Rollins cut him off.
"Okay, now everybody turn back to the middle of the circle. Did everyone answer the other?"
Every one nodded their heads in unison, like we were all some sort of robot programmed to do so.
"Now, I would like each person to stand up and introduce themselves and tell us exactly what brought you here." There was a resounding grunt that echoed through the room. "I know, you are all here for the same reason, but I would like you to explain, not in detail if you don't want to, but tell us exactly what you did that brought you here. Let's start with you."
Mr. Rollins’ finger was pointed directly at me and I couldn't help the tremble that ran through me. Every session Mr. Rollins had tried to get me to speak up, and every session, I had refused.
"I know it's hard, but we are all here to support you. There is no judgment here." His voice was oddly comforting and I opened my mouth to speak, but my words were failing me.
"I...well." I straightened my posture, but didn't glance around the room. I didn't need to see the looks on everyone's face as I told them my story. "My name is Riley and I tried to kill myself by...um...jumping off of a cliff. Obviously, it didn't work though." I saw Tristan's body stiffen next to me and I couldn't help but wonder what his reaction meant. Had he tried the same thing? Did he actually understand how I felt? And did I honestly care?
"Good Riley, thank you for opening up. Tristan, you seemed to have a reaction to this, do you want to go next?"
"Sure." Ah, and there was that velvety voice again. "I'm Tristan and I tried to kill myself by driving my car into the ocean. Luckily, someone saw it all happen and pulled me out."
I listened intently to ever
y word that is coming out of his beautiful mouth, but I didn't respond. He was actually happy and thankful that someone saved him, and I on the other hand, wished with every fiber of my being that whomever saved me, would've just let me plummet to my death.
CHAPTER TWO
Tristan
I can't help but watch her in amazement throughout group. Unlike most of us here who were saved and happy about it, she wish she had died. I find myself unable to fathom how a person could feel alone enough to not want to live. She perplexes me in a way that I have never felt before, and her eyes do something to me that I may never be able to explain.
For the first time in forever, I actually want to get to know this girl. I want to know her deepest darkest secrets, and I want her to trust me enough to tell me them. Her name, Riley, slips off of my tongue and feels so natural to speak it. She's absolutely beautiful, in a very understated way. Maybe in another life she was a model of some sorts, because her look is captivating. Her long, dark brown hair is shiny and looks well taken care of, even though I can barely tell because she has it piled on top of her head. Her eyes are as blue as the bluest ocean, and I can't stop seeing them every time I close mine. Her face has already taken over my every thought and desire. How could this be happening?
Mr. Rollins is wrapping up group and I know I probably won't see Riley for the rest of the day. Word around the ward is that she pretty much keeps to herself and stays in her room. I understand the space she probably needs, but for me the minute she leaves this room, I will obsess over needing to see her, to talk to her, or even just hear her voice. Her voice is small, but angelic and it's now all I want to hear.
"Okay, I guess I will see all of you tomorrow morning. Remember, you can always come by my office if you need to talk. Try to have a great day." Mr. Rollins stands, giving everybody a small wave of dismissal, but Riley hasn't moved.
I stand next to where she is still sitting with her arms firmly crossed over her chest, and I want to say something, anything, but I have nothing. Before I can even say good-bye, Mr. Rollins is calling her name.
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