by M. A. Lee
“What?” I asked, angered by her bewildered stare.
“Do you know how crazy you sound right now?” she asked, laughing again.
“What are you talking about?” I asked, my voice rising.
Rolling her eyes, Lauren brushed her long hair behind her shoulder. “Mel, come on. You really don’t understand why he acts so hot and cold with you?” she said, her voice mocking me.
I stood in front of her, not sure what to say. “Lauren, I am so frustrated right now.”
“Mel, Cole loves you. He treats you like a princess and you play mind games with him. One minute you kiss him back the next you act like all you want to be is friends. I think the poor boy is losing his mind.” Lauren stated.
“Lauren...” I began, but she cut me off before I could continue.
“Mel, you know I love you, right? We have been through a lot together, but you really do need to make up your mind. Either you want to be with Cole, or you need to let him go. I don’t know how much of this “friend” game either of you can withstand. The storm that you are creating may be one neither of you can survive.”
With that, Lauren pushed me aside and opened the bathroom door. I was smacked in the face by the pulsating music and sounds of people laughing and talking as they enjoyed themselves. I was too stunned to move, so for the next few minutes, I just stood in the open doorway to the bathroom and gawked at the world around me.
Knocked out of my daze, I heard Kat’s voice. “Mel, what are you doing?” she asked, staring at me like I was a crazy person. For a moment, I thought I just might be insane.
“I was just uh...” my voice trailed off. I couldn’t lie anymore. “Shit, Kat. I don’t know what the hell I am doing,” I responded honestly.
Kat, who now rocked lime green hair in a short, pixy cut style, smiled at me as if she understood. “Don’t worry Mel, I don’t think any of us really know what we are doing either.” She laughed, throwing her head back. I took a moment to admire her outfit. She wore a long red dress that clung to her tiny figure. A slit ran up the side almost revealing too much of Kat. Her silver high heels gave her an extra inch on her already tall height. I loved how comfortable she was with herself. Kat did what she wanted, wore what she wanted, and said what she wanted. She had no cares or worries. So much of me wished I could just throw all of my cares and worries aside and just live my life for me.
Kat pulled me out of the bathroom and wiped away a tear that I didn’t even know had escaped. She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and led me to the kitchen where she handed me a drink. I wasn’t sure what it was but it was pink and tasted like fruit juice.
I spotted Cole on the small back patio. He was alone and sipping a bottled water as he watched tiny snowflakes dance around him. Noticing my stare, Kat looked out the small kitchen window and saw Cole too.
“Look, I know it is none of my business, but I am just going to say what I am thinking,” Kat began, taking a sip of a beer. “I know you and Cole have been through a lot. But you two need to realize how much you care about one another. Go talk to him. Either let him in or let him go. But Mel, and I mean this with love, you can’t have both.”
I held my breath, unable to move or speak. As much as I hated to admit it, Kat was right. Cole and I had found a shared bond within the tragedies that had negatively shaped us. I knew that what I was doing with Cole was wrong. I was leading him on. Allowing him to believe that I could or would give him my heart when that very heart was still shattered in unamendable pieces.
Giving Kat a wry smile, I began to open up. “Kat, I know that I can’t have the best of both worlds. I would be lying to you and myself if I stood here and tried to argue with you. I love Cole, but I can never love him the way he needs me to.” I declared through deep breaths.
Kat didn’t even blink before she smacked me across my face. The impact of her palm against my cheek felt like a thousand bee stings. I staggered backward as the shock hit me harder than her initial attack. “What the hell was that for?” I screamed as I held my own hand to my now sore cheek.
“Someone had to do it,” she sneered, shaking her hand. I was glad that her hand hurt because right now my face was on fire. “I have watched you fall in love with Cole, and now you just stand here with no emotion and tell me you can’t love him back?” She exhaled before taking a sip of her beer. “Look, I love Cole like a brother. As much as I like you Mel, I think it is best if you just leave him alone. Don’t call. Don’t text. Just forget he exists.”
I shook my head, anger now boiling to the surface. “Look Kat,” I began before she cut me off.
“Stop it!” she screamed. You have to see that what you are doing is destroying him. I thought I lost Cole two years ago. He is now alive again and I will not stand by and watch you build him up, just to watch him fall again. Leave him alone.” She was screaming now as she stood in front of me. Other people who had been talking in their own conversations now stopped and watched the show we were putting on for them.
I didn’t try to stop her. I had just learned that Kat was not to be messed with. Instead, I stood motionless as she unleashed her fury on me. I knew I deserved every ounce of hate that I was receiving not only from Kat, but from the other people in the room as well.
“What is going on?” Isaac asked as he slipped in between Kat and myself. He put his hands on her shoulder as Smalls appeared behind him. It was obvious Isaac was playing his role as the protective brother, even though we both knew Kat didn’t need protection from anyone. They both calmly talked Kat down from her tirade and offered her another beer. Accepting, Kat glared at me before flipping me off and walking out the back door and onto the back porch.
I was still standing alone when Isaac turned back to me. “Mel, what is Kat so upset about?” he asked again, trying to understand why he just entered a screaming match.
“It was nothing, just a misunderstanding,” I lied. I didn’t want to tell Isaac what we were arguing about, because I needed to talk to Lauren or Cole first.
“That didn’t look like a misunderstanding to me,” he shot back, his eyes watching me closely.
Nervous, I glanced around. I was thankful that most of the people who had been so rudely watching the Kat and Mel show had turned back to the party and had forgotten about the drama that had just occurred. “Where is Lauren?” I asked, trying to change the subject before he asked me anymore questions.
Sighing, Isaac ran his hand through his short hair. “She is passed out on my bed. I guess I will ring in the New Year alone,” he sighed. I could tell he really wanted to be with her right now.
I placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled. “Don’t worry. Lauren always does this when she drinks too much. Give her five more minutes than wake up her. She will be fine and you can kiss your girl on midnight,” I said, trying to bring hope back to his now sad eyes.
“Really?” he asked.
“Yep. Trust me. She will be just fine.”
“Thanks Mel,” Isaac said as he turned to go toward his bedroom. He stopped mid step and turned back around to face me. “Look, I know it is probably none of my business, but I know what you and Kat were fighting about. She talked to me earlier. She has been planning on confronting you for a while.” He walked closer so that no one else could hear what he was saying. “Cole is a great guy. I love him like a brother and don’t want to see him hurt. Mel, I really like you too. But, you can’t keep messing with his head. He really believes you two can have a future. If you love him and want to be with him, then tell him. If you don’t, then please, just go away. I know you both have been through some real shit, but I don’t think he can recover from this type of destruction.” Isaac smiled once more and then bowed his head and walked into his bedroom and shut the door.
He was right. Kat was right. I had to do something and I had to do it tonight. I refused to begin a new year still hurting, or hurting someone else. There had been enough pain going around, I had to finally stop it. I looked around the space, searching f
or the one face I needed to find.
Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted his black-as-night hair, and my heart sank a little deeper in my chest. I could feel the tears beginning to form as I pushed myself away from the wall that had been holding me in place and slowly walked toward Cole. As I approached where he was standing talking to a group of guys, his smile widened. Again, a piece of my heart broke away as I realized I wouldn’t get to see that smile again after tonight.
“Hey Cole, can I steal you away for a minute?” I asked, my voice barely audible over the music and conversations flowing through the room.
“Sure,” he smirked as he took my hand and led me toward a corner by the couch. His hand felt so good wrapped around mine.
When we stopped walking, he whirled around and faced me, his body so close to mine I could feel the heat radiating off of him.
Before I could begin my monologue, Cole broke the silence first. “Mel, I am sorry for the way I acted on the ride over here. Sometimes, I just get frustrated with our relationship,” he said with a sigh.
“That’s what I want to talk to you about,” I stated.
“You took me to your parents’ house tonight. No one has ever done that before. My head and my heart are playing tug of war with trying to figure out what to do with you. I want you, and I know you know that. But, you are just so stubborn.” He was conflicted and torn. I didn’t blame him at all for how he felt.
“It’s fine. I am not mad at you,” I stated truthfully. I wasn’t mad at him anymore.
“Ten. Nine,” the crowd around us began counting down as all eyes became glued to the small television in the living room. I saw Lauren and Isaac appear from his room, hand in hand, as they smiled and made their way toward the living room. They, too, were counting down.
“What did you need?” Cole asked, his eyes only focused on me. Man, I would miss that look he gave me that melted my legs to butter and caused butterflies to flutter deep inside my stomach.
“Eight. Seven. Six,” the group continued, as I stood unable to say the words I needed to say.
“I just really need to talk to you, but it can wait until after the ball drops at midnight,” I said, my voice whispering into his ear. He leaned in closer and I could feel his breath against my ear. The sensation felt like tiny, amazing shock waves flowing through my body.
“Okay Mel. I need to talk to you too. There is something I really want to ask you, but you are right. It can wait a few more seconds,” he responded, a wicked smile flashing across his beautiful face.
“Five. Four. Three,” the group sang as the ball inched closer to the end.
I ran my hand though Cole’s hair and smiled up at him. I took in everything about him- his beautiful and charming smile, the way his hair fell over his eyes, and the sweet and rustic smell of his cologne and soap that made me crave more of him. I wished I could take a picture of him so that I could remember him like this always.
“Two. One,” the crowd cheered and began jumping and kissing their dates as they began to ring in the New Year.
Leaning down, Cole wrapped one arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him so that our bodies were now intertwined. Nothing could separate us now. He gently placed his other hand behind my neck and pulled my face to his. Our lips collided and we began kissing. His lips felt so good against mine that I couldn’t hold back any longer. I embraced the moment and shoved my hands through his hair and pushed myself closer to him. His lips parted and our tongues collided as we continued to kiss, slow and passionately at first, then rough and needy.
Part of my body was screaming at me to stop and end this now. The other part of me was telling me I was an idiot and to never let go of this man. Ever.
Instead, I allowed the kiss to linger for a few minutes before I slowly pulled myself away. I backed up and caught my breath as Cole watched me with a big grin. He offered a small laugh before pulling me back to him.
“I am so glad we did that. I couldn’t think of a better way to begin a new year than to make you mine,” he declared, his lips brushing my forehead.
My entire world shattered with that one sentence. A tear slowly crept down my cheek as I realized now was my moment. I had to break away from Cole now, before I destroyed both of us.
“Cole...” I began, but the tears were now streaming down so fast, I couldn’t speak. My voice was strangled, as the words were unable to form.
Eyes widening, Cole placed his hands on my shoulders and pushed me away, only a little so that he could see my face more clearly.
“Mel, what is wrong?” he asked, clearly confused by my sudden change of emotions.
“Cole. I love you. But I have to go. I can’t be with you,” I cried as I turned and began running toward the door.
I felt a soft hand on my arm and I turned to see Kat pull a set of car keys from her purse. “Here take my car. I will get a ride from Smalls,” she offered.
I smiled back as I reached for the keys, never stopping. I found Kats car and jumped in and quickly locked the doors.
I could see Cole through the front window of the house. His eyes were scanning the room and I knew from his confused expression, that he was searching for me.
I wiped away a few tears that were blurring my vision as I placed the key in the ignition and turned on Kat’s small Honda Civic. Hearing the car rev to life, Cole’s attention was diverted outside where he saw me sitting inside Kat’s car. Recognition and anger flashed across his face as he watched me observing him from the car. He began slowly walking to the front door as I sat frozen in the front seat.
As I regained my senses, it was too late. Cole had now reached the car and was pounding his fists against the glass windows.
“Mel. Melanie. What are you doing? He asked. His face was torn as he watched me cry and try to put the car in gear.
I only shook my head no. I couldn’t speak to him. I was too afraid that I would give in and jump out of the car and into his arms. As much as I wanted a life with Cole, I knew I was too broken to give him what he needed. I wasn’t ready to love anyone, not even myself, yet.
As I began to drive forward, speeding down the quiet suburban neighborhood like a racecar driver, Cole continued to watch me leave. He was still screaming my name as I continued to speed away from him and the life, which I knew could never exist. I looked in the rear view mirror one last time and sighed, as I discovered I couldn’t see Cole anymore.
17
Two Years Ago
“I think something is going on,” I said as I sat talking on my phone with Alice. For months, I had strange feelings about the way Brody had been cold and distant from me. Our relationship had consisted of the two of us always being together, now, I felt like I never saw Brody.
Rolling her eyes, Lauren listened to me complain, again, about Brody and his strange behavior. Ever since I had confided in her my fears and worries about the turn of events in our relationship, Lauren had not been kind in how she felt about Brody. Lauren always thought the worst about people, sometimes never giving them a true chance to explain themselves. She began signaling for me to get off of the phone, but I just waved her away. “Mel, come on it is getting late and you promised we would go for a run before it gets too dark outside,” Lauren said as she stretched her legs by the apartment door.
“Just give me five more minutes,” I begged.
Alice, who had been quietly listening on the other end of the line, sighed. “I don’t know what you are talking about. Maybe you should talk to Brody,” she suggested. “What did Lauren say?”
I didn’t want to tell Alice that Lauren had her doubts about Brody. Her negativity lately regarding my relationship had really been upsetting me. “Nothing, Lauren said the same thing. That I need to talk to Brody.”
“I think you should.” Alice said again.
Deciding to listen to my friends, I hung up the phone and turned to Lauren who already looked pissed.
“Lauren, let me call Brody and talk with him, then we can go for
our run,” I said as I was already dialing his number.
Glaring at me, Lauren mumbled under her breath before leaving the apartment. She slammed the door behind her and the pictures on the wall shook from the wrath of Lauren.
Refusing to let her upset me, I continued dialing Brody’s number. The phone rang several times before he picked up with a frustrated sigh.
“What Melanie? I am busy and I need to get my paper completed before tomorrow,” he yelled.
“I am sorry Brody. I know you are busy. I just really want to talk to you.”
Exhaling a deep sigh, Brody’s voice began to fill with anger. “Melanie, I don’t understand why you are being such a baby. You have to stop being so needy if you want me to marry you. I am busy.”
Shocked by his harsh words, I felt myself crumbling. “Brody...” I began before he stopped me.
“No. Melanie, I am tired of you constantly questioning me. Maybe we should postpone the wedding until you can get a little more confidence and stop acting like a baby. I need a wife who can take care of me and support me, not someone who constantly needs to know where I am and what I am doing.”
“I am sorry, Brody. I will stop questioning you.” I cried out, afraid of losing him. I had thought when I called that he would feel bad about how terrible I felt. I thought he would understand my concerns and tell me everything was going to be fine. I wanted him to reassure me that he still loved me, that he needed me too. But, what I got from Brody was more questions and concerns. He didn’t even sound sad about the possibility of postponing our wedding or even losing me.
I know in reality that guys do not chase after the girls they love. That kind of a story is only for fairy tales. However, somewhere deep down inside of me, I had hoped he would chase after me and want to make everything better.
As I hung up the phone, I felt my heart break as I realized, Brody would never fight for me. He would never be torn if I tried to walk away from him. Was this even real love?
