I probably would have loved her even if she hadn’t. I was just glad that she did decide to remake her life. And anything I could do to help her succeed, I would do. There was no way I was ready to let her drown in the depths of sadness that she just emerged from.
My phone buzzed again. I pulled it out expecting another text from Anshi but instead found a note from my sister, Allison.
Got TIMENOW delivered today. Looking great on the cover, bro. Btw,e are you dating Anshi Jain now? Why don’t I know about her yet?
What? I called Allison back immediately and she picked up after the first ring.
“I am not happy that I get to find out you have a girlfriend after a few million TIMENOW subscribers,” Allison said as a greeting.
“Because it wasn’t supposed to be in a magazine.”” I gritted out.
“Oh.” I heard shuffling of pages and then, she said, “Why the secrecy, though? You guys look great together.”
I turned a corner onto my block. If I wasn’t so worried about the implications of this public announcement, I would have jumped for joy at the compliment.
“Thank you. But...it’s not official or anything. And Anshi wants to keep it that way.”
“Oh really? Well, they do seem to have updated your dating life in the article. With a super-cute picture of you together.”
“This is not good.” I raked a hand through my hair. “Today was publication day, and there’s probably a copy in my mailbox, too.”
“Um, yeah. Did they not have the rights to the picture? You can sue them for privacy infringement.” It was hard to hear Allison as I picked up speed to get to Anshi as soon as possible.i. A beep on my phone interrupted my thoughts and I found Anshi’s calling me.
“Hey, Allison? I’ll call you after I look at the article.”
“Sure. But, hey, when do I get to meet her?”
“Hopefully soon. If she doesn’t dump me first. Gotta go.”
I hung up without a second thought and let Anshi’s call go to voicemail. I jogged the rest of the block, eager to get home before Anshi saw the article.
She was adamant about keeping our relationship a secret from the public until she moved out of the house. She needed to face her family and their disapproval without the added stress of media scrutiny.
I paced in the elevator, anxious to reach Anshi as soon as possible. She wouldn’t call unless she had news and, I hoped the news was of the contest. The moment I entered the house, my hopes were dashed. She sat at the kitchen island with a copy of the magazine. She looked up when she heard the door click, her eyes shining.
“Hey,” I said, slipping off my shoes. She didn’t respond, but she held up the magazine.
“Great article about you,” she said, her voice small.
“It was an interview I gave before I met you at the wedding.”
“Good,” she replied. Her body shuddered as tears fell. She turned toward me as I took her in my arms.
“Hey hey...I just heard from Allison that it had a picture of us. I haven’t even seen it. Is it bad?” She shook her head.
“Nothing bad about you, anyway.”
“What do you mean?” She turned the page to my cover article and pointed to a picture. It was from the gala, and it captured us looking intimate during the slow dance. The photo made it look like I was kissing her when in reality, we were just dancing really close, in our own bubble of content silence. The picture was questionable. But the accompanying text made my blood boil.
Ryan certainly seems to have found some real companionship in Anshi Jain, daughter of real estate magnate Kamlesh Jain. Anshi has a troubled past, and her difficulties with alcohol and men made headlines in years past. She had moved to Chicago, but seems to be back in town. Word is, the lovebirds have moved into Ryan’s rather spectacular penthouse.
“I am going to sue them,” I said, through gritted teeth.
“That’s what my dad would say, too,” she choked out, resting her head back on my arms.
“They had no right to drag you into this, and all of the unkind words were not necessary. I didn’t discuss my dating life back then. They deserve to be sued.” My arms tightened around her. She didn’t deserve this.
“I don’t care about that,” she responded, her voice muffled by my shirt. She sighed tiredly. “They mentioned our live-in status. That, I hadn’t planned for.” As if on cue, her phone buzzed shrilly. She picked the phone and almost dropped it.
“Dad…,” she whispered to me and closed her eyes, probably wishing none of this was happening. But she straightened up on the bar stool and took a deep breath before answering the call.
“Hello Dad,” she said. The angry response from the other end was loud enough to make me flinch.
“It’s not like that. Listen to….” He obviously interrupted her and I felt an irrational anger on her behalf. Why didn’t he even give her a chance?
“Yes, I am with him. He is the reason I am not homeless right now….,” she paused, her lips pursed, “No...I am not being stupid or rude. I am trying to explain -”
I don’t know what came over me, but one minute she was on the phone with her dad, and the next, I had her phone pinned to my ear.
“Hello Mr.Jain, this is Ryan Penn. We have met before. I’d like to request that you give Anshi a chance to explain before judging her. I don’t appreciate the tone you’re taking with her right now. It’s just not right.”
“And who do you think you are to interrupt my call with my daughter?” His voice boomed from the other end. Anshi stood in horror, her mouth agape.
“I will not let anyone hurt her anymore. She’s had enough of dealing with your bullshit all her life. She deserves respect and right now, you are not giving her that.”
“I don’t need you to lecture me about what my daughter needs.” I heard shuffling papers on his end and then he spoke again. ““Troubled past”. Even the magazine article says it and it is her doing.”
“Are you serious right now? Instead of helping her, you blame her?” My ears were ringing and I was glad I was miles away from her father right now.
“That would be a waste of time. Send her home right away. My lawyers will fix the situation with the magazine.” All my self-control went out the window with his dismissive tone.
“She’s not going anywhere. She’s already home. As for the situation you refer to, I will take care of it.” I hung up and flung the phone on the couch. Raking a hand through my hair, I rubbed my neck, hoping to massage the anger out of my system.
I found her standing at the island, her face stern. Fat tears rolled down her cheeks and she was shaking. I rushed toward her but she stepped back just as suddenly. I stopped, my heart crushing under the heavy veil of sadness on her face.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. The fewf feet of distance between us felt like miles to me.
“You...just hung up on my dad.” I rubbed my face, tension rolling off my shoulders.
“I did. He was…,” I sighed. “How did you deal with him all these years?”
“ did deal with him,” she said dejectedly. “I yelled at him, cried over him, avoided him...but I did deal with him,” she said, her voice gaining ground. “You didn’t have to save me from him.”
“What?”
“You don't have to fight my battles, Ryan.”
“Anshi - “
“I...I thank you for everything you have done for me...but this obligation is crushing me.” Tears rolled down her cheeks faster, down her neck. “I could have dealt with my dad. Now, I have one more thing to thank you for.”
“You don’t have anything to thank me for.” I took a step further and she stepped back again. Hands clenched into fists at my side, I forced myself not to go forward. She was clearly asking for space, but for all the wrong reasons.
“I do. The job, then home, now this...and even before that, at the engagement…,” her eyes softened at the memory, “you deliberately crashed into the journalist, saving me from another embarrassm
ent.”
“Who cares?”
“I do. You will...hate me soon enough. When this...wears off, you will see me only as some needy person clinging to you.”
“When what wears off? Do you think my feelings are that shallow? What will it take for you to trust me? Anshi?” She rushed to her room. Dragging the suitcase out of the closet, she stuffed her clothes hanging in it. “What are you doing?”
“I’m leaving.”
“Where will you go?”
“The realtor called. The apartment is ready now. That was why I was calling you.” She didn’t look at me, she just wiped her tears on the sleeve and continued to throw more of her stuff in her suitcase. None of this made any sense. Did she expect me to just stand there while her dad berated her for no reason?
“Hey hey, can we please talk?” I grabbed her arm gently, pulling her closer. Cupping her face, I swiped the tears on her cheek with my thumb. “Why are you so riled up because I stood up for you?” Her glassy eyes were heart-breaking. Her chin wobbled and she grabbed my shirt, pulling me closer to her. Putting her forehead on my chest, she sobbed quietly. I held her shaking body tight, wishing there was something I could do to take her pain away. I was at a loss over how to console her. In that instant, I wished I knew so much more about relationships than just serial dating.
“I need to go and do this on my own. Not because of my father. And not with your help. For me. I need to go on this journey alone for a while. Or else....I will never know who the real me is, or what I am capable of.” I grabbed her arm, desperation stealing my breath away.
“Don’t. We will do this together. There's nothing wrong with doing things together. I love you, Anshi. That’s what people who love each other do.” She went utterly still at that. She swallowed, her tear-stained face giving away nothing of what was going on in her heart. She slowly peeled my fingers off of her arm.
“I need to go,” she whispered hoarsely. She rushed out of the room, dragging her suitcase behind. I heard the soft click of the door as it closed.
I sank onto the bed, resting my elbows on my knees. Dragging a hand though my hair, I let out a shuddered breath. The room, the house and my heart had never felt this empty.
22
Anshi
I woke with a start at the shrill sound of the alarm. Heart in my throat, I fumbled to make it stop. A tired sigh escaped me as the dark room in my new apartment was engulfed in silence again. The clock read five in the morning. I had to be up and getting ready by five thirty if I wanted to reach the contest venue on time.
But I made no attempt to move. The biggest day of my life so far suddenly felt unappealing. Nerves, I told myself but I knew better. I pushed myself to sit up on my bed, stuffing the pillow behind my back. I turned the bedside light on to see paperwork strewn all around the room. A pen of Ryan’s that I had accidentally packed sat on top of a small stack of papers.
Ryan would shake that pen and twirl it in his fingers when deep in thought. It was mesmerizing to watch his brilliance kick in and see a glimpse of the number genius that he was. Just a few days earlier, he had sat at the base of my bed at his home twirling that pen as we prepared for the possibility of me making it to the finals. We prepared for this day. Together.
I love you, he had said.
The room suffocated me suddenly. I threw the blankets to the side and rushed to the bathroom, shoving memories of Ryan away. I would face the day, alone. As I wanted to.
Skinny ankle pants,a cream shirt and some light make-up completed my ensemble. At sharp five-thirty in the morning, I left my house for the contest.
.
The place was packed with contestants. It was loud, busy and filled with too many dreams. I tamped down the desire to run out of the building a hundredth time. I repeated my mantra. I can do this.
Ryan had said my strength was my ability to tell the story of hope with passion, and I wanted to focus on that. So, I practiced and practiced my lines and hoped I would repeat them in the same sequence in the presentation. I had fifteen minutes to sell my idea, and I had to make it through without a breakdown.
With sweaty palms, I watched as wannabe entrepreneurs made their way into the presentation room. For reasons I didn’t fully understand, I prayed for them all. I prayed they did their best, that their preparation for this day bore fruit. I could lose because one of them did it better than me, but I would rather lose to a better idea than an ill-prepared contestant. It made the success sweeter, and the bragging rights bigger. All of these thoughts and prayers made me remember my dad. He had pushed me so hard to excel, to fight harder, to do better than the best in my class, and I failed him every time. He would have loved to have seen me here.
After that last day at Ryan’s, he had called me almost daily, although I never responded. It was unlike him to chase people, and he had suddenly been chasing me. I was curious as to why, but too angry to talk. The fact that I wasn’t tripping over myself to call him back was a victory in itself. And yet, I couldn’t help but think that he would have been the loudest cheerleader in the room for me today.
On a whim, I dialed his number and let it ring.
“I thought you would never call.” His gruff voice reminded me of my days in his office as a kid, sitting on the floor drawing while he worked. I could smell the colors, hear the hum of his typing, remember happy days from eons back.
“I was busy.” I cleared my throat. I missed him more than I cared to admit.
“Did you present yet?” He was nervous, just as I was at the moment.
“How did you know?”
“Ryan told me. He called..”
“He did?” I asked, surprised. I swallowed the guilt I felt from ignoring my dad these past few days. I was always so angry with him. Too much hurt from all the years of neglect.
“Why are you calling me now, Dad?”
“I wanted to tell you . . . I am sorry, beta.” I bit down on my gasp, but I couldn’t hold back the treacherous tears. I had wanted him to utter those very words for years, but now that he said them, I felt no satisfaction. If anything, my face felt hot with shame. I didn’t want him to apologize to me. I wanted him to believe in me while I struggled with my demons.
“Don’t be. I am alright.”
“Yes, you are...and I couldn’t be prouder.” He paused and then continued, “Today, when you give your presentation, remember that, too.”
My knees buckled under me and I leaned against the wall, focusing on just breathing.
“Why now? What changed? I am as rebellious and annoying as I always was. I am still the troublemaker.” I heard his sigh and steeled my heart for disappointment.
“I had wanted to apologize since my last call. Ryan was...intense but I could hear his heart break for you. He was fighting for you...and in that moment, I realized my mistake. I never fought for you. Later that night, Nisha called me to tell me that you left him. Nisha was livid with me.”
“Nisha rarely loses her temper.”
“And then, Ryan called me yesterday.”
“Why?” I whispered. I wondered how he was. I ached to hear his laughter in my hair, and feel the soft kisses he would plant on my forehead.
“To tell me if I didn’t want to lose my daughter forever, I should make it up to you before it's too late...and that the magazine would publish an apology letter in their next edition. He kept his promise….” There was a moment of silence. “You ran away from him because of me. I forced you to give up people who love you because I put you on this path to prove your worth to me.” I swallowed thickly. “I always knew you were the strongest of my three daughters, Anshi. When your mom...when she died, I somehow thought you would be okay. That you would be my crutch through this tragedy.” He laughed derisively. “I should have been there for you as a father and I failed you miserably.”
“I missed mom too much. I am not as strong as you think.”
“You are stronger, my dear. You fought this alone and I am so proud of you. And I am proud of
the man you chose.” Breathing was like swallowing shards of glasses. I didn’t choose him. Ryan chose me.
“Come visit us after this contest.”
It was tempting, the warmth of Gramma’s hugs, home-cooked food and a sense of belonging. But I wanted something else more. Someone else more.
“I will visit soon. I have to go now. I will call you later, Dad.” I hugged my bag as I felt the heavy weight of disappointment slip from my shoulders. It felt odd - my motivations for winning this contest morphing again. I thought I only wanted to win for me, to prove to myself that I wasn’t a failure as I had always believed. I tried to make it about me and not about my dad. And yet, somehow the scars of my past continued to be my reason to win. To prove something to my dad. But now,...I didn’t need to prove anything any longer. I was free of that burden.
Ryan always said I was worth so much more - I flinched as the raw wounds of that last day surfaced. I sat up straighter, forcing my mind to clear the sharp edges of heartbreak away. I had an obligation to myself to do my best in this contest and I knew in my bones that I was capable of winning.
I leaned against the shaky floor-to-ceiling window at the far end of the room, the chilled glass of the window on my forehead a respite from the storm brewing within me. Outside, the wind gathered force, the howl akin to the cry in my heart. The participants in the conference center milled around, a mixture of celebration and disappointment. The weather seemed to match the mood. Strong winds blew as beautiful, bright fall leaves swirled in an uncoordinated but spirited orchestra.
I felt alone. So utterly alone. The admission was as bitter a pill to swallow as the fact that there was only one person who could make it better. I looked at the door yet again, as if I did it enough times, the only face I cared to see today would somehow materialize. Of course, Ryan didn’t come. It was no surprise, given how we ended things. But my heart had hoped.
Love by Surprise Page 13
