by Ashley Love
He laid his head gingerly in his hands and heaved a sigh. The screen door opened behind him and he smelled his mother's perfume before he heard the creak of the stairs as she sat down next to him.
"You and Aaron haven't gotten in an actual fight since you were fourteen and Sensei told you he'd kick you both out if you ever touched each other in anger again."
Jax chuckled humorlessly. "Ironically enough, that fight was about a girl too."
"I told you not to tell him you thought his girlfriend was obnoxious."
"I didn't." There was no point trying to keep it quiet, his mother would have weaseled the story out of him eventually. She was good at that. "He caught me with Cassie." When he looked up at her he was surprised not to see an expression of shock on her face.
"You probably should have said something to him before you asked her out," she said matter-of-factly.
"I didn't exactly ask her out..."
"Oh, Jax—"
"Don't start, Mom. I feel bad enough, okay? Believe me, I couldn't feel more like a pile of shit right now. My best friend, the person who knows me better than anyone else in the goddamn world, thinks I'm not good enough for his sister."
"Watch your language. I'm sure that's not true. He just doesn't want to see get Cassie hurt. Did you tell him you have feelings for her?"
"He didn't give me the chance, but it doesn't matter anyway."
"What does that mean?"
"It doesn't matter what Aaron thinks about it because Cassie doesn't want me."
"That's ridiculous. She's been mooning over you since she was a little girl."
"Yeah, well, she's not a little girl anymore."
"Took you long enough to figure that out."
"You're really not helping here, Mom."
"I'm sorry, honey. I know it hurts right now and it seems like everything is messed up, but you'll sort it out."
"I don't know about that. I may have actually screwed this one up beyond repair. I just didn't...I didn't realize..." He trailed off, unsure what he was even trying to say. Finally he gave up trying to figure it out and shrugged again. "And now it's too late."
They were both silent for a while and then his mother sighed and put her hand on his arm. "I didn't provide you with a very good example of how relationships should work. No, don't argue, it's true. I wasted too many years sacrificing all the wrong things trying to hang on to relationships that were obviously not good for me. Or for you. My priorities were all messed up. I wanted so badly to be loved that I was willing to settle for anything that vaguely resembled it."
"You did the best you could, Mom. I know that."
"No, I didn't. I could have...I should have done better. And I'm sorry that I didn't. But I want you to know how proud I am of the man you've become despite the series of assholes I paraded in front of you."
Jax wanted to say something, but the lump in his throat prevented him.
"It doesn't matter one bit what Aaron or anyone else thinks of you because the truth is that you have a good heart and you want to treat women right. And even if you don't always know the best way to go about that yet, you're miles ahead of most guys wice your age because you care enough to make an effort. The right girl will value that in you no matter what mistakes you make."
"Thanks, Mom," he said, his voice tight with emotion.
"You're welcome." She patted his arm again. "Now come inside and take some more ibuprofen. I can tell you're hurting."
"Hey, Mom." He stopped her with a hand on her arm. "I like John. He seems like a really good guy and I'm glad you found someone who deserves you."
"Thanks honey. He is a good guy. And I'm glad you like him; that means a lot to me. Take it as proof, it's never too late."
10
I slung my backpack over my shoulder and walked toward my dorm. A call had come in an hour ago, but I'd been in the middle of dance practice and this was the first chance I'd had to look at my phone. I was so surprised to see Aaron's number that I called him back immediately, slightly worried that something was wrong.
"Hey Cass, how's it going?" His casual tone set my mind at ease.
"I'm alright, how are you? Is Emory kicking your ass yet?"
"Not for lack of trying. I'm doing alright so far, though. I just had to give up hoping for anything resembling a social life."
"Turning into a bookworm already?"
"Pretty much. A couple weeks ago was the first time I went anywhere other than class or the library. I ran into Blaire and she made me go out to dinner with her."
"That sounds cool," I said, trying not to let the smile show in my voice. Blaire had sent me an effusive series of texts letting me know about the dinner as it was happening, but I wasn't going to give my best friend away.
"It was. Blaire's a trip, we had a good time. But look, I was calling because I wanted to ask you a favor."
"What's that?"
"I have to go to a wedding at home the weekend of the fourteenth and I thought you might want to go with me."
"Seriously? The great and powerful Aaron Carson can't get a date to a wedding?"
"I told you I have no life. Please? I figured you might like an excuse to come home for the weekend. I'll even come pick you up if you need a ride."
"Fine. Wait, which weekend? The fourteenth? That's Valentine's Day."
"Yeah, so? You got big plans or something?"
"No, but you could pretend to think it's a possibility just to make me feel better."
He laughed and the sound brought a bright grin to my face. It felt like we were finally getting back to normal after the craziness of the holiday break. I wondered if he and Jax had made their peace yet, but didn't want to give the impression I was milking him for information.
"Alright, so assuming you don't get a hot date in the meantime I'll see you weekend after next?"
"Yeah, sounds good. I'll call you about the ride."
"Cool. Thanks Cass, I owe you."
"Yeah you do. Bye, Aaron."
* * *
As the weekend approached I had mixed feelings. I was looking forward to seeing my family, but spending Valentine's Day as my brother's date seemed kind of lame. Not that Valentine's Day was all that big a deal for me usually, but this year I was feeling particularly lonely and vulnerable. I hadn't had enough time to get over what had happened with Jax and my emotions were still a little raw.
I was beginning to wonder if there would ever be enough time to get over him. I'd finally put his shirt away in a drawer, once I realized that I creeping myself out by continuing to sleep with it. I drew the line at washing it though, that would get rid of his smell.
Once word got out in my circle of friends that me and Trey had split up I'd been asked out several times. I'd even gone on a couple of dates and had fun, but it never went further than that. Despite my efforts I couldn't help comparing the guys to Jax and they just didn't measure up. It didn't seem fair to myself or them to keep seeing them when I knew I wasn't really into them.
At any rate, when I thought about Valentine's Day, if I thought about it at all, it wasn't to pine over not having someone to buy me chocolate and roses. If I wanted that I could have it at any time. But I didn't just want someone, I wanted Jax. Chocolate and roses I could take or leave.
Since that wasn't going to happen I made up my mind to forget about Valentine's Day and just try to enjoy being with my family for the weekend. Luckily one of my girlfriends was driving to Atlanta and gave me a ride to Aaron's new apartment so we could ride home together. The drive was relaxing and I felt the remnants of the discomfort between us melt away as the miles passed. At one point I felt myself drifting off and sat up straighter, searching for something to talk about to wake myself up.
"So who's getting married? Anyone I know?"
"Yeah actually, it's Ms. Sanders and her boyfriend, John. Or I guess technically he's her fiancé now."
I froze, staring at him in disbelief. "Please tell me you're joking."
"I know it happened kind of fast
, but she says at their age there's no point in waiting. They thought Valentine's Day would be a cute anniversary." Aaron's eyes kept darting over to me nervously, completely ruining his attempt at feigned nonchalance.
"Aaron, I swear to God if you weren't driving I would murder you right this second."
"What?"
"Why didn't you tell me?" I could hear my voice getting shrill and tried to calm myself. It didn't matter. I didn't have to go to the wedding. Aaron would just have to show up dateless.
"You didn't ask."
"I didn't realize I needed to. And I don't know what you thought was going to happen once I found out, but I am not going to that wedding with you."
"Come on, Cass. Don't act like that. I'm trying to do you a favor here."
"What, by throwing it in my face? Rubbing some salt and lemon juice in my wounds to make sure I learned my lesson and I'm not getting off too easy?"
Aaron was silent for a moment before he spoke again, his voice subdued. "I know I can be a dick sometimes, but I would never do that to you."
I softened a bit, recognizing that I'd hurt his feelings. "Then what is the point of all this, Aaron?"
"To make up for being such an asshole, okay? I completely overreacted and I didn't give either of you a chance to explain. I jumped to conclusions about what was going on between you guys and I was wrong. And I'm sorry."
"Okay, apology accepted. But you've still got it wrong. Jax and I don't have anything going on. Whatever it was between us is over."
Aaron snorted and rolled his eyes. "If you really believe that you're deluding yourself."
"It's the truth."
"You're still into him, aren't you?"
"I...it doesn't matter."
"I know you are. Blaire told me."
"What?" My jaw dropped. I couldn't believe my best friend would rat me out like that, especially knowing all the dirt I had on her.
"I asked her to go to the wedding with me, but she suggested I bring you instead." He was quiet for a minute before continuing. "Suggested is the wrong word. She tore me a new one, actually. Told me I acted like a selfish prick and the only way to redeem myself was to try and fix it."
I was stunned into silence. The idea of the two of them discussing my private business as if it were up for public debate rubbed me the wrong way, but it was hard to stay annoyed with Blaire knowing she'd stood up to Aaron on my behalf and given up not just a date, but a whole weekend road trip with her own crush just to give me the chance to see Jax again.
"So are you going to admit you like him or is there nothing there for me to fix?"
"It doesn't matter, Aaron." I tried to force myself to relax, letting my head fall against the seat and gazing out the window at passing soybean fields. "The situation is what it is. There's no point talking about how I feel other than to make me feel like crap about it."
"That's exactly what he said."
"What?" My head snapped up and I looked at my brother, ready to smack the satisfied smirk off his face. "What did he say?" I cringed at the words, they sounded so junior high, but at the moment I couldn't bring myself to care too much.
"Oh, suddenly it matters?"
I let out a frustrated growl. "That's it, pull over so I can strangle you."
Aaron just laughed. "Look, despite how it may appear, I'm not really trying to get in the middle of your business. You two need to talk to each other; that's why I wanted you to come this weekend. Whatever happens now at least I'll know it's not my fault if you guys go your separate ways."
"Oh, I see. This is about assuaging your own guilt."
"Absolutely. But I also love you both and I want you to be happy. If being together is gonna make you happy then I don't want to be the one to stand in your way. Plus, once I got over the weirdness of it...I kinda could see how maybe you two could be good for each other. I guess."
"Thanks, Aaron," I said, reaching over to give his hand a squeeze. "I appreciate the sentiment. And yes, obviously I still have a thing for him. But he never indicated that he felt that way about me and, I don't know, I've put a lot of effort into not getting my hopes up."
Aaron glanced over at me, then back at the road, shaking his head. "I called him, you know, to apologize for...all that stuff I said." He swallowed hard. "I could tell the minute I had him on the phone. He's got it bad, Cass. Trust me. It doesn't happen often, but when it does he falls hard."
My heart throbbed painfully. For the first time since I was a stupid thirteen year old freshman I actually let myself feel the tiniest glimmer of hope. I'd have to wait and see once I felt the situation out for myself of course, but for now I let myself have the luxury of that hope.
"Hey, Aaron," I said after a long extended silence.
"Yeah?"
"Whatever happens with me, I'm glad you're talking to him again."
"Yeah, me too."
11
Jax straightened his tie and tugged on his sleeves, checking himself in the mirror. As much as he complained about dressing up, he had to admit he looked pretty good. His hair was finally long enough to stay in a damn ponytail, so he had it pulled back neatly and his mom had bought him a new shirt and a tie that matched her blue dress.
Man, it was weird to see her like this. She wasn't giddily excited like she had been about men in years past. It was like a calm contentment had settled over her so despite the fact that this was the third time he'd personally witnessed her getting married, it was the first time he actually believed it was going to last. It gave him a sense of peace to know that she was finally at peace.
Maybe she was right when she told him it was never too late.
He sighed at that. No matter how hard he tried not to, he always came back around to thinking about that. About her. It didn't do him any good, it just made him feel like shit. He supposed he should try harder to get over it before he ran into her, especially since he and Aaron seemed to have repaired their friendship somewhat.
He'd been surprised as hell when Aaron called him only a couple of weeks after their fight. It surprised him even more when Aaron actually apologized for what happened that morning. He hadn't asked for awkward explanations or demanded to know details, he'd just said that his reaction had been unfair and he'd said things he didn't mean and that he was sorry. Jax apologized for sneaking around behind his back and that was that.
They'd been talking on the phone fairly regularly since then, more regularly than they ever had before, actually. Slowly, over the course of several conversations, more of the story had come out in bits and pieces. Aaron explained that Cassie had torn into him and said some things that pissed him off, but made him think hard about how he treated his girlfriends. Then he'd started asking Jax about his thoughts on relationships and women. As weird as it was to talk about that sort of thing with a dude, Jax tried to explain as best he could and Aaron seemed to get it. Some of it anyway.
A few weeks ago Jax finally admitted to his friend that he had feelings for his sister, though only after several beers and Aaron pushing hard and accusing him of being in denial. He seemed to know something Jax didn't and he'd wondered at the time if Cassie had said anything to him, but didn't ask. He didn't want it to seem like he was trying to dig up information on her. Aaron tried to talk him into calling Cassie and that night he almost did, but at the last second he hung up. Just like he had every other time.
Jax had gone over his final conversation with Cassie a million times since that morning and he knew there were things he'd left unsaid that he needed to say. He couldn't even count the number of times he'd picked up his phone and started dialing her number, but it just seemed wrong to have that conversation over the phone. Or maybe he was just a coward.
Again, it didn't matter. It especially didn't matter right now, since he needed to be focusing on his mom and the wedding that was supposed to go down in the next half hour. Last time they'd talked Aaron wasn't sure if he could make it, but he said he would try. Jax hoped he came, it would mean a lot to his mom
and, he had to admit, he wouldn't feel quite right until he actually looked into his friend's eyes and saw that there were no hard feelings.
The wedding was a small affair, just a few close friends and family in a little wedding chapel not far from the house. Jax stood proudly next to his mother while she exchanged vows and may or may not have shed a little tear when his new stepfather kissed the bride.
It wasn't until they turned to the few spectators to present the husband and wife that he noticed Aaron sitting in the back row. With Cassie. He was so caught off guard he tripped and almost fell on his face as he started back down the aisle.
God, she looked beautiful. She was wearing that same green shirt she'd worn on New Year's Eve, this time with a little black skirt that showed off her incredible legs. When she met his eyes and gave him the tiniest of smiles it was like a shock to his system and he was sure he stopped breathing for a minute. Just looking at her made his heart pound in his chest and he had to force himself to look away long enough to nod to Aaron as he walked past them down the aisle.
The whole party was quickly ushered out of the chapel in preparation for the next wedding; apparently Valentine's Day was a busy day for wedding chapels. By the time he made it to the parking lot they were already gone, so he didn't get a chance to speak to either of them, but he expected to see them at the reception. If you could even call it that. They were just having a little party at his mom's house before she and John left to drive to Gatlinburg for a brief honeymoon.
He didn't even know what he said to the milling people in the living room. There was a smile plastered on his face and he did a lot of nodding, but his eyes kept returning to the door looking for the flash of her dark red hair. After nearly an hour he gave up and snuck out to the back porch to get a few minutes of quiet.
The happy couple would be leaving in a little while and then he'd be able to kick the rest of the people out and go find Cassie. His resolve had been shaken a bit by the fact that she hadn't shown up, but he knew he'd regret it if he didn't at least try. She was within reach and he was determined to say what he needed to say while he had the chance.
