“I remove your hand from me as I moan. I want you to touch me, to make me cum, but tonight is all about you. I move my hand to your pussy, wiggle my finger through your folds and to your clit. Just the tip of my finger lightly touching your tiny nub causes you to moan and your legs to shake.
“You look me dead in the eyes; plead with me to fuck you. I shake my finger, once, a little soft movement and you throw your head back into the stream of water, your moaning mouth gargles from the blast of liquid.
“I do three more little, quick, soft shakes on your clit before I power my hand into a blur of motion as water splashes and your whole body shakes as your sensitive, youthful clit causes a powerful orgasm to surge through your body in an explosion of full on lustful ecstasy.”
Her breathing stopped for a brief second as her body tensed and her legs shook slightly. I think she came, right there, right then, sitting next to me, listening to my fantasy, entranced by the desire I’d captured on a crumpled notepad while in a war zone.
“I moan, feel my legs turn to jelly as you push my hand from you, unable to take anymore. My cock is twitching, spasming thick and powerful shots of cum from me. Squirt after squirt of sticky seed meets the shower’s watery jets in a collision of clean and filth. You’ve made me cum without even touching me. That’s how strong the desire I have for you is.”
“My name is Sophia, by the way.” She moved her hands from me and stood.
“It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Sophia. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Lucas.” I smiled, but it quickly faded as she spoke her next words.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, for work. Don’t be late. It’s your first day. You need to make a good impression with your boss.” She turned her back to me and folded her arms.
I just stayed still. I didn’t know what to make of the situation. She’d gone from hot to cold so fucking quickly. She was fighting what she felt for me, what she truly wanted, I knew that much, but I didn’t know why she was doing it. I swore I’d find out, though.
I slowly stood, half expecting her to turn around, to fall into my arms and kiss me again, but she didn’t move. I didn’t want to leave, I wanted to make her mine, but she needed time, time to overcome what was holding her back, then I’d be able to take her.
I left the office. I nodded to the chef as I walked through the kitchen. He returned the gesture with a smile. The diner was almost empty when I walked to the door, somewhat dazed and definitely confused by what had happened to me.
I stepped outside and pulled up the collar on my coat as the cold wind hit my face. The car from earlier was parked in front of me. The light inside flashed on and then the window at the rear rolled down.
Sophia’s dad leaned toward the opening. “Hey, how’s it going? Thank you for what you did for my daughter. It makes me feel better knowing there are guys like you in the world.”
“It was my pleasure, sir.”
“I need to repay you somehow.”
“You don’t... Honestly.”
“I do. I owe you.”
“If it makes you feel any better, sir, your daughter just hired me as the new dishwasher.”
“That does make me feel better. You get employment and I get the security of knowing you’re around to look after her.”
“Everyone’s a winner.”
“Hey, have you ever fought, boxed? Those punches you threw, I wouldn’t like to be on the receiving end of those. It was a beautiful display of classical pugilism.”
“In the army, sir.”
“I knew it. I said to my driver, Colossus, that’s not his real name, but I figured it suited him, considering the size of the fucker, that you must be a pugilist. If you ever need any extra cash, just ask my daughter for my number and give me a call. I can always use someone with your abilities. Plus I like to help out those that have served this country. You’re a veteran, aren’t you? You’ve seen action, haven’t you? Yeah, you have. I can tell from your eyes. They don’t lie. I knew when I looked into them as you dropped that bum that you knew what it was like to be under fire, to take someone’s life.”
“I’d rather not talk about it, sir.”
“A true hero’s response... I’m going to grab my coffee and get back to work. Remember, if you ever need any extra cash, just give me a call and I’ll find you an opportunity.”
“Thank you, sir.” I turned from the car and walked from the diner into the cold night.
II
I jumped backward and onto the sidewalk. The car horn sounded and curse words were flung from the driver’s window. I swallowed, took a moment to get my head back in the real world, and cursed myself for allowing Sophia to distract me again. Even when she wasn’t in close proximity to me she was having an effect on me.
I felt dirty, unclean, thinking of such a beautiful creature in such a sordid way, but I couldn’t help it. She’d overridden any form of control I had. I’d struggled with my mental faculties since leaving the army, but she’d infected me stronger than any horror I’d seen. It should have been a welcomed change but...
I felt guilty. I should be tortured, hurt, attacked by bad memories and constantly reminded of poor choices, ones that had led to the deaths of good men. That was my punishment for the incident at the checkpoint, continuous guilt and mental anguish. I shouldn’t have been longing, punishing a young girl for turning her back on me earlier, allowing her to take residence in the slutty darker corners of my mind, abusing her beauty with sexual fantasies full of dominance and control. I should have been taking my punishment, taking the least of what I fucking deserved but...
It felt fucking amazing to have a girl like Sophia in my head.
I cleared my throat and crossed the street, jogging to avoid a car that was speeding toward me. When the car came to a stop, I knew instantly who would be in the driver’s seat. The man got out and I turned to face him, removing my hands from my pockets.
“You need to watch where you’re going,” he said as he puffed out his chest and moved toward me, trying to make himself bigger, to look like the biggest rooster on the farm. “I almost fucking hit you.”
“You need to be careful who you mess with. I never miss.” I didn’t even give him the time to say anything else. I just reacted. I hit him with a cross and he stumbled backward until he impacted with his vehicle and slid down to the ground.
I just stood looking at him for a few moments, my teeth grinding together, my heart pumping. Then I checked to see if there was anyone around who could have seen the incident. Thankfully it was too late and the wrong part of town for Good Samaritans. I casually walked from the scene.
I knocked on the door to the apartment. I moved far enough back from the peephole so she would be able to clearly see it was me. It wasn’t the type of neighborhood where you open the door to strangers. You had to be on your guard and prepared for violent and crazy people... Just like the driver of the car that honked at me should have been.
My palms were sweating even though I was freezing. I was having trouble controlling my breathing. I hadn’t seen her since the funeral. I wasn’t even able to look her in the eye on that day. She had no idea it was my fault he’d been killed.
I’d wondered many times if I should tell her. I’d had many sleepless nights considering if I should, arguing with myself about what the best course of action was. I’d decided it wouldn’t help the situation though. That isn’t me being a pussy; I accept full responsibility for what happened, I just didn’t want to give her more heartache to deal with. The poor girl had enough. Secrets can sometimes be the perfect camouflage for painful truth and the most effective form of medicine.
She was taking a long time to decide if she should open the door. I knew she was standing behind it, wondering what to do. I could see her shadow in the light that was shining from the small gap at the bottom.
I turned, began walking down the steps, ready to head home, but noticing a car parked across the street, its headlights off, but with someone sitting
in the darkness inside. I’d just narrowed my eyes to try and get a positive PID when the door opened behind me.
I slowly turned around. She was standing with her shoulder on the doorframe, her arms folded across her chest. I’m not sure if she was shielding her body from the cold or my eyes. She was in her pajamas, her hair pulled back into a ponytail. She looked tired, it was late, but it wasn’t lack of sleep that’d made her look that way. Life had exhausted her. I’d seen the same look in my mirror many times.
I slowly smiled at her. She took a deep breath and then smiled back. Her head slumped at that moment and she began to cry. I walked up the steps, looking over my shoulder at the car to see if it was still there. It was.
I stood next to Maria, not sure what to do. “I’m sorry, Lucas,” she said, struggling to get her words out. I slowly moved my hand to her shoulder. She jumped when I touched her. “You just look so much like him, it brings it all back. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Please don’t keep apologizing.” I spoke quietly, tried to keep my tone soft, calming.
She hugged into me, placed her head on my chest and I wrapped my arms around her. “What are you doing here?” she asked as she nuzzled just under my chin.
“I’ve come to help.” I stroked her hair, kissed the top of her head, and then looked at the car again. The shadow was still there, watching us. “Let’s go inside and I’ll explain.”
“Sure. I’m sorry.”
“Please, don’t keep saying that.”
She moved from me and I closed the door behind us. She walked to her ripped sofa and sat down, taking a tissue from the box on the crooked and stained coffee table.
I sat on the arm of the sofa, gave her a few moments to dry her eyes and to settle. “How is he?”
She breathed out three quick breaths, just about keeping a full-blown panic attack at bay. “He’s okay... I guess. As good as any child can be when dealing with such fucked up horribleness.”
“Is he still having the nightmares?”
“Aren’t we all, Lucas?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I guess so.”
“Yeah, he is... They’ve gotten worse if I’m honest with you... He’s also... He has also...” She couldn’t get her words out again. She was choking on her emotions. She took three more quick breaths. “He’s also started to see him.”
“How do you mean?”
“On the playground... On the school bus... In his room at night... He doesn’t look like... He doesn’t look like... his dad, though. He’s all... burned, charred flesh, scary, a goddamn monster. His own father is a fucking monster. He’s afraid of him. He’s now afraid of the person he loved more than anyone else in the whole world. It’s so fucked up.” She held her head in her hands, started to sob again.
“I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize. If I don’t, you don’t.” She didn’t look at me; she just hid her face with her hands, as if her pain embarrassed her. She’d been strong for far too long, and been through so much, no one would ever judge her for tears. I never would.
I fucking did need to apologize though. I should have been on my knees in front of her begging for forgiveness, crying tears of my own, tears of blood. I should have been falling on my sword in front of her, taking my own life, showing her how much I was sorry for being the reason her husband, my brother, the father of her child, had died.
“I’ve moved into an apartment, not far from here... I’ll be able to help.” I cleared my throat, but couldn’t clear the guilt that had knotted my stomach and clenched its fist around my shattered heart.
“How can you help, Lucas?” She turned to me, her eyes red, tears streaming. “What can you possibly do? Can you travel back in time and stop this fucking nightmare from happening? Can you? If you can’t, what fucking use are you? You’re just a fucking reminder, a negative association, a fucking walking, talking, breathing fucking reminder of him.” She placed her head back in her hands. “Fuck! I’m so sorry. So fucking sorry.”
“I can’t do that. I wish I could, I really fucking do. I’d give anything for it to have been me instead of him. I swear to fucking God. I’ve prayed for Him to take me instead, a trade. I’ve begged. I’ve pleaded. I’ve screamed until my throat is so raw no fucking sound will come out anymore.”
“Don’t say that... But don’t waste your time with God. He stopped listening to this fucking family a long time ago.”
“It’s true, though... You wish it had been that way... That it’d been me that was killed and not him... I’m not mad at you for thinking that... It’s okay. Like I said, I feel like that too.”
“I have... I’m a horrible person... But I do sometimes think it would have been easier... You don’t have anyone... He had me, his fucking son... Jesus, I’m sorry. Please forgive me, Lucas. Don’t listen to me... I’m just fucking hurting... I’m a horrible person... I’ve become a wreck... I’m so fucked up...
“I knew it was a possibility this could happen when he got sent there, but he told me not to worry, that God, that you, would watch out for him... Why didn’t you fucking watch out for him, Lucas? Why? Why didn’t God? I can’t deal with the pain anymore. It hurts so fucking much. I can’t explain how much it hurts. I’ve never felt pain like it. It’s like someone’s standing on my heart, twisting the fucking boot heel and laughing.”
“I’m not mad at you for thinking what you do, don’t worry. There’s nothing for me to forgive when it comes to thoughts like that. You’re grieving. If it helps, be mad at me, it’s okay. I’m mad at me too.” I stood. “Hit me, Maria... Stand up and punch me in the fucking face... If that will bring any comfort, please fucking do it... I deserve it. Hurt me, Maria. Take out some of the frustration you’re feeling on me. Use me to soothe your pain by causing me more than you have. Let your anger out. Cast out the demons.”
I’d come to help but yet I felt so fucking helpless.
Maria stood. She dropped her tissue, wiped the snot from her face with the back of her pajama sleeve. She slowly walked to me, her hands clenched at her sides, shaking. She stopped in front of me, and fell into my body, hugged me, wrapped her arms around me.
“I don’t know what to do anymore... I used to be alive, now I’m just trying to survive, and fucking failing... Does that make any fucking sense?” she asked, sobbing again.
“Perfect sense… I’ve... I’ve gotten a job... It’s nothing fancy, but it’s some cash. I want you to have it... Use it to help Stevie... Get him a therapist if it can afford it... I don’t know what else to do apart from be here for you both, be close by.”
“You don’t have to do either of those things... Even I don’t want to be around me.”
“I want to.”
“Thank you so much.”
“Trust me, it’s the least I can do.”
“Would you like to see him?”
“Stevie?”
“Yeah.”
“Sure, if it’s okay?”
“He’s finally asleep, in his room... Just don’t wake him.” Maria went back to the sofa and got more tissues. “Down the hall. Second door.”
I nodded and moved to the hall. I stopped before continuing down, not sure if seeing him was the best idea, but I really wanted to. Maria saw her husband when she looked at me, I saw my brother when I looked at his kid, reminding me of all our adventures at his age. I closed my eyes. I inhaled through my nose and slowly exhaled through my mouth.
I moved to his door, placed my hand on the handle and performed the same routine again, in through the nose and out through the mouth. I slowly turned the handle, praying I wouldn’t wake him, forgetting God didn’t give a shit about us, and opened the door enough of a ways to see him through the gap.
He was in his bed, his nightlight illuminating his young face with colored stars. He was hugging into a teddy, the stuffed animal wearing an army uniform. On his bedside cabinet was a picture of my brother in his uniform.
I closed the door, placed my back
to it. I wiped the tears away before I headed back down the hall to Maria. “Thank you,” I quickly said, trying to not let my emotions affect my voice.
“He looks like him, doesn’t he?” Maria was on the sofa, a cushion hugged into her. She smiled, a tear rolled down her cheek.
“He does.” I walked to the phone and wrote my number and address on a pad. “Contact me anytime.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ll see myself out... Get some sleep, Maria... I’ll be back when I have the cash. Let’s get that little man the help he needs.” Maria just nodded and I exited her apartment.
The car wasn’t there anymore. It didn’t mean it wasn’t somewhere else close by, so I took an odd route back to my apartment, taking as many alleys as possible, using as many dark streets as I could, to make it more difficult to be followed.
I stood on the steps to my apartment for a while, pretending I was having difficulty finding my key, while I checked for any sign of the vehicle. Once I was sure it was safe, and the coast was clear, I entered the building. I chose to use the stairs, avoiding the elevator, not just because of the smell of urine, but that way someone watching me wouldn’t be able to see what floor I got off at.
I checked the strand of hair I’d fixed to my doorframe before placing my key in the lock. It was still intact so I removed the hair and once I was inside I locked the door and allowed myself to relax.
I placed my coat over the arm of a chair and moved into the kitchen area. I turned the light on and grabbed a glass. I poured myself some water, the color of what came out too murky for H2O, and gulped it down.
Knock-Knock.
I ran to the wall, placed my back flat to it. I peeked from the kitchen to my door.
Knock-Knock.
I ducked back into cover, crouched, and moved in a low profile toward the door.
Knock-Knock.
PUGILIST Page 3
