by GA Hauser
~
Connor watched Kyle go, indeed wondering about the connection of “hard time” and having to take a piss. Before he came to a conclusion Hannah brought Kyle’s plate over with his cola.
“Vicky is dying for a second date with Kyle. You think you could convince him?” Hannah asked.
Before he answered, Connor glanced over his shoulder to make sure Kyle didn’t overhear. “I don’t know. If he didn’t like her…” He shrugged.
“Did he say he didn’t?”
“No. He said she was okay.” He checked behind him again.
“Oh. Well, try then. She’s really got it bad for him.”
“He is incredible.” Connor smiled.
“Huh?” Hannah tilted her head.
“Relax. Just because I can recognize the fact that he’s attractive doesn’t mean I want his dick up my ass.”
Her eyes went wide as ping-pong balls, and she choked in surprise. “Man, you must be very sure of your manhood to say a thing like that!”
“I am.” Screw you. Seeing her still ruminating over whether he was or wasn’t a queer, Connor pouted in exaggeration to play it up, asking, “Shouldn’t I say what I feel? I thought women liked sensitive guys.”
“Don’t worry. We do. You’re adorable.” She kissed his hair and went back to waiting tables.
He thought about it. Maybe he should shut his mouth and keep his ideas to himself. His luck Hannah would figure out he didn’t want to see her again and spread gossip across campus. He already was suffering with a bruised groin because someone on the team thought he was gay.
Kyle returned and began to devour his burger hungrily.
“Mom came through. Five hundred in the bank,” Connor said.
“Wow!” Kyle replied with his mouth full.
“You call yours?”
Kyle sucked down his cola and nodded. “Yup. She promised more cash by Wednesday.”
“Cool. Well, we’re all set. Can you think of anything else we need, while we’re cash rich?”
Kyle sat back in his chair as he chewed. “A TV?”
Connor crinkled his nose. “I hate those things. Besides we need to study.”
“Music?”
“Bingo! Need tunes.”
“After class meet me and we’ll pick up some speakers for my IPOD.”
“What kind of music do you like?”
“I don’t know. A little bit of everything.” Kyle finished his burger.
Connor looked at him in astonishment at how quickly the food was consumed.
Kyle guzzled his cola and said, “Hey, maybe you can give me your class schedule, you know, in case I need to find you for something.”
Without hesitation, Connor dug through his folder again and handed it to Kyle. “Can you copy it? I still need it a little.”
Kyle wiped his hands on a napkin and took it. “I’ll just jot it down.” He started scribbling in his pad quickly.
When Kyle was through writing Connor cleared his throat. “Can I…can I have yours too?” Connor felt his cheeks go red.
Kyle grinned. As if he had anticipated the request, he handed Connor a copy. “It’s yours. I made an extra.”
“Oh! Great.” Connor compared it to his own. “They overlap nicely. Hell, you’re in two of my classes.”
Kyle read over the pages side by side. “I think that’s because we have the same practice schedule.” Once he folded up the paperwork, Kyle polished off his french fries.
“I was thinking of taking a fencing class.”
“Fencing?” Kyle tried not to laugh at him. “I took it once in high school. What a dorky sport.”
“I took it in high school too. Dorky? It’s refined. You really are a dipshit.”
“A late dipshit.” Kyle checked his watch and dug for cash.
“Shit!” Connor shoved his books into his backpack.
As they threw money on the table, Hannah came rushing over. “So? When can we get together?”
“Gotta run. We’re late!” Connor pecked her cheek.
“Call!” she shouted as they hustled out.
Connor tried not to break into a sweat as they jogged back to the campus. “See ya at practice!” Connor waved and caught Kyle’s wave back.
Finally making it to his building, Connor slowed down. He found the right classroom and sat in his seat, catching his breath. When he had the chance he flipped open his notebook and read Kyle’s schedule. He took out his own and tried to see where he could find Kyle between classes. He smiled to himself. Kyle was certainly giving him the impression he was committed to their friendship. A warm sensation spread across his chest at the thought. Shaken from his fantasy, Connor looked up when the instructor came into class and called them all to get out their work.
~
After class was done for the day, Connor opened his locker and laid out his lacrosse uniform and pads. Deep in thought, checking to see if he was still bruised from the illegal hit he got, Connor slid off his shorts and found his jock strap and cup. After adjusting it, he tugged his uniform bottoms up to cover it.
One of his teammates, Kevin Brown, came up and elbowed him softly. “Don’t look behind you, but Mulhouse is getting off on your ass.”
Connor caught Kevin’s sneer of disgust. After battling his gut reaction to punch Kevin in his homophobic face, he said, “You have got to be kidding,” dreading getting the permanent label of fag while on the playfield. It had already cost him a sore groin, and he didn’t need the aggravation. Or worse, word getting back to his father.
While Connor kept his eye on Kevin, he could almost feel Donald Mulhouse’s gaze on him and was afraid to turn around and meet it.
As if trying not to be overheard, Kevin peeked at Mulhouse quickly before whispering into Connor’s ear, “I think he’s a major homo. I don’t like him watching us change.”
At the horrible comments, Connor had to turn away to hide his reddening cheeks. He tried to be discreet and grab his shoulder pads off the bench. Donald Mulhouse caught his eye and smiled brightly. Connor gave him a shy one back and asked Kevin, “You sure? He seems fine to me.”
“Whatever, Worthington.” Kevin shrugged. “The guy looks like a homo to everyone else. And with your long hair, you’re starting to look like one too.”
A shiver passed over Connor’s back in warning. What the hell does a “homo” look like, you fucking asshole? The urge to kick Kevin’s ass for being an ignorant bastard was strong.
Connor knew he had to hide his deepest desires in a place in his heart where no one would find it. Or at least he hoped no one would. After the threats to Donald, just the implication that he could be a homosexual brought so much fear and anxiety to him, he felt himself get physically sick thinking about it.
Keep hidden. Hide, he had told himself ever since he was a child. If people know what you really are, they’ll hate you.
A moment later, Kyle came in and set his book pack down. “Hey.” He nodded to Kevin and Connor, then started working his locker combination.
Before Kevin left to change into his own uniform, Kevin tilted his head to Connor in a silent communication of conspiracy and walked away. Deeply disturbing thoughts about the conversation were plaguing Connor as he adjusted his shoulder and arm pads in silence.
“What’d Kevin want?” Kyle stepped out of his jeans and stuffed them into his locker.
Unable to tell Kyle the truth, Connor swallowed down a dry throat. The entire content of the derogatory remarks from Kevin sickened Connor.
While Kyle waited for an answer, he arranged his jockstrap and cup, then grabbed his uniform shorts. “Connor?”
Connor glimpsed back over his shoulder again. Donald Mulhouse was no longer there. In relief, Connor let out a loud exhale.
Kyle laughed at him. “You are so weird.”
Desperate to divert any suspicion of being gay away from him, Connor said, “No, Kyle, listen. Kevin told me that Donald Mulhouse was watching me change.”
“So?”
“So? Come on, Kyle.”
His expression turning blank, Kyle finished dressing, facing his open locker.
“Kyle?” Connor nudged him.
“What?”
“He probably watches you too.”
Kyle sighed and faced him. “Look, Connor, I don’t care if a guy’s gay. What he does in his own bedroom is none of my business. To be honest, I’m a little surprised at you for that attitude, Mr. Environmentalist-Open-Minded-Vegetable-Man.”
His mouth gaped but nothing coming out. Connor didn’t know how to react. He wanted to agree with Kyle, but was mortified of being seen through, even by his best friend. “I don’t give a shit what he does in his own bedroom. You know me better than that. But I do give a shit if he gets off on me.” He sat down and put his cleats on.
“What the fuck do you care? It isn’t hurting you.”
“Kyle!” Connor was unprepared for Kyle’s strong opinion, and never expected it. Wasn’t Kyle a macho-jock?
Kyle continued dressing. “And you don’t even know if he’s gay. You just pinned a label on the guy. Maybe he just likes you as his captain or a friend. Maybe he didn’t look at you that way at all and Kevin is a total homophobe.”
Stunned at the defensiveness he was hearing, Connor’s mouth continued to hang open.
His cheeks turning red, Kyle shut his.
A sudden feeling of paranoia washed over Connor. He checked to see if they were overheard. “Lower your voice. Are you nuts? Even if you want to defend the guy, don’t let everyone else hear you. They’ll think we’re gay as well. Do you want an illegal whack to the nuts too, Kyle?”
Connor could see Kyle’s jaw muscles twitch as he ground his teeth. Kyle slammed his locker shut, finished dressing, and stormed out.
As Connor sat absorbing the aftermath, knowing Kyle had gotten the wrong idea, he felt even sicker.
He tied his laces and caught up to Kyle, stopping him in the hallway that led to the field. They waited for others to pass and then Connor whispered, “You know I love the knight in shining armor in you, Kyle.” He made Kyle meet his eye. “I just want you to be more discreet. The guys like you. Be careful, please.”
As if he were about to explode, Kyle closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
Connor took a second quick look around, and then made sure Kyle was listening to him. “There’s only one guy I’ll allow to look at my naked ass.” He heard Kyle choke in shock, and nudged Kyle to get out to the field. “Got it, Kyle?”
Kyle widened his eyes but didn’t say a word as Connor smiled at him lovingly. “You’re a riot, Connor.”
Obviously still absorbing the comment, Kyle followed Connor outside. Yeah, I’m a regular barrel of laughs.
Maybe Kyle would be okay with it. Maybe Connor should tell him he wasn’t joking. He felt a tiny ray of hope at the chance of love.
~
They showered and changed after the scrimmage and walked out to Kyle’s car. Connor tossed his backpack into the back seat and settled into the front as Kyle started the motor and backed out of the parking space.
“Hannah wants me to put pressure on you to go out with Vicky again. What should I tell her?” Connor asked, testing the “gay” waters.
“That I’m not interested.”
“Oh, okay.” Connor felt relieved that Kyle wasn’t keen on going out with her again.
Kyle caught his eye, then focused back on the road.
Just to throw more fodder out there for a better clue, Connor moaned comically, “I need to get laid. I want someone to rip my clothing off and hump me raw.” Connor rubbed his crotch, keeping his attention on his good friend while he did.
After a sharp inhale and a cough, Kyle took a look at Connor, and his hand action.
To top it off, Connor gave Kyle his most demonic grin.
They drove in silence until Kyle parked in their spot at the apartment. Once Kyle shut off the engine he asked, “Have you ever have someone do that to you? You know. Hump you raw?”
“Nah. Hey, I can dream, can’t I?” Connor laughed and climbed out, reaching for his pack.
“You like being taken? I mean, not playing the aggressor?” Kyle locked up the car and followed Connor to the lobby.
Connor knew his ass was being watched as he climbed the apartment stairs. He wiggled it seductively and said, “Yes. I think that would be my preferred style. I want to be dominated, you know. Maybe be even a bit kinky. I need someone very strong to turn me on.” Connor paused for a reply. None came.
“Well,” he continued, “I don’t have much experience in anything really. I screwed a cheerleader once in high school and got my dick sucked a couple of times. That’s it.” Connor opened the door to their unit and turned on the light. By guys, but you don’t have to know that.
~
As if he were in class, Kyle absorbed the information hungrily. Connor wanted to be dominated? It was too perfect. He thought about the last sentence Connor had said and replied, “Really? That’s it for all your sexual experiences?” Kyle dropped his things on the floor and sat on the beat-up old sofa that came with the apartment.
Connor laughed at his expression. “Yes. What did you think? I was some Romeo or something?”
“Yes. I figured you balled your way through school.”
“No. I was always too busy with academics and sports. I had to keep my grades up or my father would get crazy.”
“Why am I doubting that very much?” Kyle laughed and kicked his shoes off. “How could you only have screwed once and had one or two blowjobs? No way.”
“I’m tellin’ the truth.” Connor headed to the kitchen. “I’m starving.”
Once he heard Connor open the refrigerator, Kyle got up and joined him. “Have a bowl of cereal,” Kyle suggested.
“Good idea.” Connor took a bowl out of the cabinet. “You joining me?”
“Sure.” Kyle grabbed the box of cereal and set it on the table.
“I really don’t know much about what women want, Kyle.” Connor took the milk out of the refrigerator. “Like I said, if they just sit there and expect me to do something, it’s kind of a turn off. I just don’t know what to do…uh, down there, I mean.”
Kyle filled his bowl with bran flakes. “Me neither. I’m not exactly a Romeo in that category either.”
Connor sat down and took the box from him. “Maybe we should date Hannah and Vicky and find out. You know. Experiment with them.”
Kyle curled up his nose. “I don’t know.”
“I never thought I’d be telling a friend how inexperienced I am. Shit, I must have a lot of faith in you.”
“Why?” Kyle crunched on a mouthful of cereal. “You think I’m going to brag about it in the locker room? Give me some fucking credit.”
“Well, half the guys think I’m some big hit with the ladies and the other half think I’m queer. I can’t give away that I don’t know shit about women or I’m dead.”
Kyle watched as he chewed. “Why do you care so much?”
“It’ll ruin my mystique.” Connor winked playfully.
Kyle stopped chewing and stared at him. “Are you that conceited?”
Connor did the same and stared back. “Conceited?”
“Yes! Conceited! You don’t want the guys to know you don’t fuck a lot of women?”
“I…uh,” Connor stammered nervously.
“Never mind. Don’t worry, Romeo Worthington. I’ll keep the lie alive for you.”
“I…uh.”
Kyle shook his head. “Whatever. I’m trying not to give a shit.” He ate another mouthful of cereal. “Who gave you the blowjobs?”
Connor stared into his bowl as the flakes got soggy. “My physics tutor.” I ain’t tellin’ ya he was a guy.
“A tutor? Are you slow or rich?”
“Both.” Connor laughed. “Well, I’m not rich, but Dad’s not doing too badly.”
“How old were you when the tutor did it?”
“Sixteen.”
<
br /> “Wow! Was she way older?”
“I think she was twenty-something. I’m not very good with women’s ages.” Lie. Lie…don’t tell him.
“Your dad find out?”
“Oh, hell no! He’d have killed me.”
“You like getting your dick sucked?”
“Duh. I wish I could find someone to suck it all the time for me.” He laughed. “How about you?”
Kyle choked on his bran flakes.
Connor patted his back sympathetically. “Kyle, let me get you some juice.” He got up and poured him a glass. Kyle drank it down and then gaped at Connor in shock.
“You okay?” Connor asked.
“Yes.” Kyle’s eyes never left his.
“Now, where was I? Oh, did you ever get a BJ?”
Kyle let out a sigh of relief. “Oh, I thought you wanted me to—”
Connor tilted his head. “To?”
“Uh, when did I get a BJ?” Kyle waved his hand as if he had made a mistake. “Uh, never.”
“Never?”
“No. Or not yet, I should say.” He resumed eating.
“Damn! Well, I’m telling ya give Vicky some thought. I think she would just love to get her lips around that big dick of yours.”
Kyle met his gaze again. “I’ll think about it.”
“Right. Time to hit the books.” Connor slurped the last bit of milk down and set the bowl in the sink.
~
Kyle waited for him to leave the kitchen, then rubbed his face in frustration. The mixed signals were making him insane. Just when he thought he knew what Connor wanted, he said something to completely scare Kyle back into his corner. Baker, you’re losing your mind.
~
They studied for a few hours until they were exhausted and closing their eyes. Connor stood and stretched, yawning. “I am so fucking tired. I need a computer!”
“Ditto. My parents told me to go the library.”
“Gee, that sounds familiar. We must be the only idiots in this state to not have a laptop or a computer.”
“Crap. Don’t get me started. My dad said I’d spend all my time surfing the net and no time working. What bullshit.” Kyle continued the yawn and scrubbed his eyes. “I have got to sleep.”
