by Jude Ouvrard
“That day, I ruined everything. It’s not something we can fix.”
“Did you at least try?” Her voice raised.
“It doesn't matter, he’s done with me. He hates me.” I insisted on the hate.
She was about to say something but she stopped mid-track. Part of what she said was right, I hadn't tried to talk to him at all. I remembered hearing his voice when I was sleeping, but when I woke up, Teo was nowhere around. He was avoiding me. He wasn't staying home either. He stayed at his friend, the bartender’s place. All I could think about was how much I missed him.
“When are you planning to leave?”
“I have a flight at 3pm.”
Beverly nodded. I could see she was trying to plan something.
“You want me to call my parents?”
“I already did,” I said shyly. “Your dad will pick me up at the airport.”
“I’m not jealous that you’re going without me, but I’m upset that you planned everything without talking to me about it. I feel like you’re hiding things from me.”
“I’m not. You know that.”
She didn't say anything in response. Maybe she was really doubting me after all. “Do you still love him?”
“Yes.” I held back the tears. “I’m pretty sure I always will.” I sighed, fighting to keep control. “I just need to go for a couple of days.”
“I understand,” is all she said. “Is it safe though, are you feeling better?”
I nodded. My body was still hurting at times, but with my medication I was fine. No matter where I would be, the pain would be the same, it didn’t matter to me. My broken bones didn’t stop me.
I packed a few things as carry-on luggage while thinking about how I would feel back in Brooklyn. It couldn't be that bad, right? Every year, Beverly flew back home for Christmas while Teo and I stayed in California. Teo had only returned once when his mother passed away. He didn't stay overnight, he flew in and out the same day. I always thought it was odd.
Bev insisted that I eat something before leaving. I didn't eat much these days and my waist was starting to shrink considerably. Of course, she made a lasagna. Everybody knew this was the only way to win me over.
“What do I say if Teo ask me where you are?”
“You can tell him.” I had nothing to hide, I simply didn't feel like talking to someone who hated me.
“You realize that you are going to have to talk to him eventually?” she added before taking another bite.
“I think we just need to clear our heads. I’m not myself right now.” I spoke the truth.
“Call him”, she ordered, testing me.
“It’s only been five days. I know he was with me in the hospital room before I woke up, I could smell is cologne. Right now, he’s dealing with it on his own. He is a strong man, he knows what he's doing.”
“I just hate when we’re all apart like that, Clara too. We’re family. We have to fix it.”
“Give us more time.” I sighed. “I think time is the answer.”
“I hope you’ll come back. I’m not sure I understand why you’re going back to Brooklyn now, if you haven’t once in the past ten years.”
“Unfinished business that I need to take care of.”
A lot of time had gone by since I had visited my parents. I had an urge to connect with my past and I didn’t know why exactly. It felt as if I was going to get answers or hope for my future life. In my mind, I knew this trip was impulsive and that I was probably acting this way to escape, but then again, I had chosen to go back to Brooklyn. I could have gone anywhere else. It had to be my true call.
“Do you need help packing?” she asked and the tone in her voice let me know she didn’t approve of my decision.
“No, I’m all set. Thank you.”
The tension between us felt wrong and I didn’t like it. “Listen, Bev, I don’t want you mad at me. I’ll call you as much as I can. I think I need closure.”
She nodded silently. “You are my best friend, my sister. I... I’m with you, okay? I simply wish I could read your mind because you confuse the hell out of me.” She smiled and I knew we were good.
“Now, if the pain would go away, that would be a lot better.” I sighed and got up to get my medication, putting it in my luggage.
“Don’t get addicted to this stuff, it’s pretty strong.”
I chuckled. “Don’t worry, I’m not turning into a junkie.”
“You better not. I already have to deal with your chocolate milk addiction.” She smirked, teasing me.
I chuckled and it hurt. “Don’t make me laugh.”
“You’ve been drinking that stuff for over 25 years. I don’t know how you do it.”
“It’s therapeutic,” I told her, but really, I just love the taste. Who didn’t? “I’m going to miss you though. I missed you a lot in Australia.”
“I missed you too. I came home as soon as Teo called me.” I knew she was referring to the accident. She had been away on a mini-vacation with Clara.
“I’m sorry I ruined your trip.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
I felt bad but I would’ve done the same thing for her or Clara. I wanted to say goodbye to the child before leaving. Sadly, she was used to my goodbyes and it hurt me. It meant that I was absent from her life most of the time. Things were going to change soon. I still desired to settle and stay home for a while.
I went to her room, but she had fallen asleep watching one of her many Disney movies. I kissed her forehead and stared at her for a couple of minutes. I tried not to think about it, but I wondered if I would have had a boy or a girl. Clara would have been excited. I had to stop thinking about it or it would destroy my sanity.
As I walked out of her room, I came face to face with Teo. He looked a mess. Tired eyes, dirty hair and his clothes looked filthy. He smelled like bourbon, so unlike him.
“You’re a mess.” I said, examining him. I had missed him more than I thought possible, and here he was and I didn’t recognize him.
“Hello to you too, Ophelia.” His lips formed a thin line, and he looked upset. “Why are you leaving again? I thought you had said you wouldn’t leave.”
Why did he care? “I’m going back home, Teo.”
“Don’t Teo me.” He sounded harsh, filled with anger. “I can’t go with you.”
“I didn’t ask you to, did I?”
His brown eyes turned black and his face went from upset to angry in a nanosecond.
“If this is how you want it to be.” He turned his back on me, heading to our room.
“Teodore, wait. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded, but I do need to go back home. I’ll be back.”
“Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere,” he said, still not changing the tone of his voice. He couldn’t look at me in the eyes. He seemed hurt or possibly worried.
Beverly was watching us; she had witnessed our bizarre encounter. I couldn’t understand what had just happened. Before I could think further, I heard the taxi honk in front of the house. I had to go. My emotions lost in turmoil, I hugged Beverly goodbye and left with my suitcase. I never said goodbye to Teo. Between us, there would never be a goodbye.
Chapter ELEVEN
***
Home is where the heart is.
Home is where I lost mine.
***
“The airport, please.”
The taxi driver nodded and kept quiet the whole way to the airport. Good thing because I wasn’t really in the mood to talk to a perfect stranger, and I had a bad head ache.
The flight to the East Coast lasted long enough for me to doubt each of my decisions about this trip. If I had vowed to be alone, I had been served. Never, in all my trips around the world, I had felt so isolated. Seeing Teo before the taxi showed up made everything harder. He looked so different, not in a good way. He was agitated and he looked beyond exhausted. We had both acted out of line, as if we didn't know each other anymore. It neve
r happened between us before and I preferred it that way. It used to be so natural for us to talk and be ourselves. We were going to be parents for God's sake. That meant something. After Brooklyn, I was going to beg his for forgiveness. He always had been a good man to me, I had to make him mine again.
“Lia?” I heard a male voice call my name.
“Hey, Mr. Taylor.” I smiled. “Thank you for picking me up and for letting me stay with you. You look great,” I rambled nervously.
“You look good too. But please, stop calling me Mr. Taylor, Jarrod from now on. Come on, Misha can’t wait to see you.”
He took my suitcase and I followed him to his car. It had been years since the last time I had seen him. At least three years.
Brooklyn looked pretty much the same. It was quiet, but it was the middle of the night too. My eyes were tired but I felt too curious not to try and remember everything I had left behind ten years ago. The bakery I had gone to with Teo and Bev was still there, and the smell of the pastries came back to taunt me. The first place where I had given piano lessons had been transformed into a Ninjutsu school.
“A lot of memories, right?”
I nodded. “So far, they are all good memories. I'm worried about the other ones.” I meant seeing my old house where the nightmare had started.
I smiled at the sight of my elementary school. We were so young and innocent back then. Beverly and I were already inseparable and planning our next trick.
When we entered the neighbourhood, my heart constricted and I became very nervous. All the images I’d tried so hard to forget. A place I used to call home held everything I wished to forget. No matter how hard I tried, wanted and prayed, the day when I didn’t remember wouldn't come.
“I understand this isn't going to be easy, Lia, but we’re very happy to have you here.” He chuckled shyly. “It’s been way too long since we had you home.”
“I know and I’m sorry. Until now, the idea of coming back never crossed my mind. At least you guys came to see us a couple of times.” I tried my best to smile.
I knew by now that we were only few houses away. My mind was trying to block everything out, but there was no point. I was going to see it a few times in the coming days. Jarrod placed his hand on my knee reassuringly. “You'll be okay, Lia. Have faith.”
He was right. I was going to be alright, I thought, hoping that my years of therapy would serve me right.
Jarrod finally parked the car. I had yet looked up at the houses. My eyes locked on my fingers. He turned off the car and remained silent. I remembered the last time I had been into the house and how it felt. Part of me wished it could be demolished or even burned down, but it wasn't my decision to make. I counted to three before I looked.
What I saw surprised me. It wasn't dark as I remembered it. Obviously the new owners had renovated it. The exterior used to be made of dark red bricks, but now it was covered in a pale beige vinyl. The house looked new but I knew it wasn’t.
“They changed everything.”
“They did. The inside is pretty much the same but they revamped the outside last year. They also added a pool in the backyard.” He paused. Jarrod seemed to try and analyze my reaction. “There’s a little girl in your room now. She must be ten or eleven. Her name is Kathryn.”
Okay, too much information for now. My eyes welled up as I kept my gaze focused on the windows of the house. Hoping to see something familiar. What was I doing? Everything I had in this property was gone.
I turned my gaze to Jarrod, whose eyes were still fixed on me. “I'm ready to go inside now.”
We walked to the front porch quietly. “I... hum... we got Beverly’s room ready for you. I don’t know if Misha is still up.”
I could tell he felt uncomfortable because of my reaction to the house. The tears threatening to emerge probably made him feel helpless. “It’s okay. I’ll see her in the morning. I’m pretty tired now anyway.”
Inside the house only a small light illuminate the kitchen. Misha had gone to bed. They had gotten a small dog, who ran towards me as soon as I came in.
“Let her walk, Sunny. Come on, boy,” he told his dog, but he kept jumping on my legs and licking my fingers as I tried to pet him. What a cutie!
Jarrod ended up picking him up in his arms to keep him calm. “You remember where Beverly’s room is?”
“Yes, I’m all good.” I yawned.
“Do you want something to drink or eat?” he asked.
We both had a tall glass of water before parting into our rooms. I placed my suitcase on Bev’s empty desk and put on my pyjamas. Once I was lying in bed, I texted Beverly good night with a picture of me in her bed. Being here when she was nowhere around made me feel strange, but I knew that in the morning, with Misha, everything was going to feel good again.
I tossed and turned all night, feeling restless. My mind couldn’t stop thinking about the old days here in Brooklyn, when I lived at the center, and when I met bad boy Teo, the only person who had ever sworn to be an asshole to me. He’d failed miserably.
I had no idea what time it was, but the noise coming from the kitchen woke me up. Misha hummed to a song I couldn’t remember, and then it hit me. The smell of cinnamon and bread I bet she had cooked cinnamon rolls. She used to bake them when we had sleepovers.
It took me a while before I decided to get up. I stretched a couple of times, every muscle screaming to get more hours of sleep. I wished I could, but I had a lot to do and I couldn’t wait any longer to see Misha.
Walking to the kitchen, I had a big bright smile on my face. “Good morning, Misha.”
“Oh! Finally, you’re here. Good morning, Lia.” She circled her arms around me and hugged me for a very long time. She held me so tightly, as if she was trying to weld back all my broken pieces. I winced but I didn’t want to push away, I liked the feeling of having a mother for an instant. When she faced me again, tears were rolling down her cheeks. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there with you, Lia. “ She led the way to the kitchen table and pulled out a chair. “Sit, I have to tell you things that I shouldn’t have held back from you for so long.”
Things? What kind of things? She had me worried. “Okay.” I said barely audibly.
“Are you hungry?” She asked but didn’t wait for me to answer. She fetched me a plate and a warm coffee. The rolls were already on the table. Their smell was mouth-watering. They looked exactly how I remembered. My stomach growled at the sight of them.
“It looks delicious... but what is it that you want to tell me?” It was making me nervous not knowing what she had kept secret for so long. It had to be important.
“Eat now while they are still warm. We’ll get to the talking soon enough.” She placed a bun in my plate. “How’s Beverly doing?”
I suddenly felt bad because in the past week, I’d never really asked her. My life had gotten the best of me, and I was too focused on my own problems to even care about hers. What kind of friend was I? And here I was, staying with her parents. The feeling of guilt drowned me. My appetite was gone, I had to talk to her, tell her how sorry I was.
“Can you excuse me for a couple of minutes? I really need to do something.”
Misha looked at me questioningly and cocked her head to the side. “Is everything okay?” she asked in a motherly tone.
“Actually, I need to make something right.” I smiled to her and ran to Bev’s room to get my phone.
“Take all the time you need,” I heard her call from the kitchen.
I speed-dialed Beverly’s number and felt bad for waking her up so early. She was going to be mad, I expected it. It rang and rang. I waited not so patiently.
“Hello.” Answered a grumpy voice I recognized. A voice that made my heart stop while the butterflies awakened below in my tummy.
“Teo. Is Beverly home?”
“Are you okay, Ophelia?” No matter how tired his voiced sounded, the ring of my name out his lips made me miss him even more.
“I’m good,” I
reassured him. “Can you give her the phone? I need to talk to her.”
“She’s sleeping.”
What was he doing home? He’d disappeared when I was there. Was he avoiding me? “So you’re back home?”
“Huh, yeah. Look, I’ll tell her you called. It’s only 5 in the morning, bab... Lia.” He almost called me baby but stopped mid-track. It hurt.
“Okay. Just tell her that I called and love her, okay?”
He was silent for a couple of seconds. I expected him to say something, but he didn’t.
“Sleep well, Teo. I miss you too.” I said quickly before hanging up. Awkward was the only word coming to my mind, but at least I had taken the first step of telling him how I felt. A smiled appeared on my lips as I wondered what his reaction must have been.
I decided to text her.
Ophelia: I’m sorry I called you this early. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for not being a better friend. All I did was think about myself without ever asking you how you were doing. Call me if you can. Lia xxx
I joined Misha again. My father’s planner was sitting next to her on the table. I wondered why she had brought it here.
“I’ve been waiting years for the perfect moment to share this with you. I’m pretty sure that it’s no surprise to you if I say that your father represented the strict parent and your mother, the cool one.” She paused, giving me time to understand where she was going with this. “When your parents were still alive, your mother and I were really close. You knew that, right?” I nodded. “Your parents had received quite a few offer from different universities. They all wanted a piece of you, the Brooklyn-born prodigy.” She smiled proudly. “Your mother wanted you to travel across the country. She wanted you to see more than just New York. Your father wanted you to attend Julliard. For him, it wasn’t really open for negotiation.”
“Why are you telling me all of this?”
“Be patient, Ophelia, it’s all I’m asking.” She took a deep breath before continuing her unveiling. “Your parents kept all the college and university offers in a box in your dad’s office. While your father had already talked to Juilliard’s director, your mother had her heart set on California. She’d spent some time there when she was a teenager. A summer science program she used to love. When your parents passed away, I had to do something. It was hard enough to see you leave for that center. You were so broken, I didn’t recognize you anymore.” Her eyes filled with tears and so did mine. “Beverly was devastated. She thought you were going to end up killing yourself. We both knew we had to do something, so we came up with a plan. While you were away, I had to find something to keep Beverly busy. She missed you and the situation affected her more than I thought it would. The atmosphere was something I’d rather not remember. I was worried about you constantly. You kept losing weight, to the point that you looked sick. I had to save you from your own personal hell.”
