by Katie Lane
He hadn’t agreed with his mother in years, but he agreed with her now. Devlin was upset with him. She refused his offer to help her mount Cookie, then headed out of the barn without waiting for him. He had to nudge Doris into a gallop to catch up. When they were riding abreast, he couldn’t help trying to figure out what he’d done wrong.
“Everything okay?”
“Everything is fine.”
“So you’re not mad at me about last night.”
She glanced over. “Why would I be mad at you? You gave me a very satisfying orgasm. Two actually. Three if you count the one on the porch. Although, technically, that didn’t take much effort on your part. Or mine for that matter.”
He stared into those innocent hazel eyes for only a second before he laughed. “You are one of a kind, Devlin McMillian.” When she instantly looked hurt, he sobered. “I meant that as a compliment. You’re different from any woman I’ve ever met.”
She looked away. “I’d rather be like everyone else. People don’t always see different as something unique. Some see it as being weird.”
“Then they’re idiots.”
She glanced over. “Are you saying you never excluded someone from your peer group because they were different?”
“No, I’m not saying that. I was a pretty big idiot before I came to the Double Diamond.”
“What changed you?”
“Being with five other boys from different social, economic, and ethnic backgrounds and finding out that deep down we were all the same. We might have had different problems, but we all had the same fears.”
“And what was your problem?”
“I was screwed up in the head.”
“Because of your sister dying?”
Every muscle in his body tensed, and his horse immediately started to fidget. Once he got ahold of his emotions and settled the mare down, he glanced at Devlin. “Who told you about Amanda?”
“Your mother did. She thinks you’re still grieving her. Is that true?”
He looked away from Devlin’s intense gaze and tried to keep his voice steady. “Of course it’s not true. It’s been eighteen years since Mandy passed away. I’m over it.” He quickly changed the subject. “I see you got some new clothes while you were in town. As much as you liked your other boots, I’m surprised you didn’t get turquoise.”
“The feed store had a limited inventory so I had to settle for red.” She reached out and rested her hand on Holden’s arm. “My grandfather died before I was born and my grandmother still grieves him. Grief doesn’t have an expiration date, Holden.” She released his arm and continued to ride as if she hadn’t just cracked open his heart with one simple sentence.
Grief doesn’t have an expiration date.
After Amanda passed away, everyone from his mother to his coaches had told him that time would heal all wounds and he needed to move on and get over Mandy. Not one person had validated his grief and said it was okay to feel angry and hurt for as long as he needed to. Now eighteen years later, Devlin had made it okay to still feel devastated by the loss of his beloved sister. She’d made it okay to state the truth he’d been hiding for so long.
“I miss her.” He spoke the words softly, but his heart felt like he’d shouted them from the highest mountain. It was liberating and also excruciating. His soul felt bare and exposed. He waited for Devlin to say something to try to make him feel better, like everyone had done after Mandy died. But he was learning that Devlin wasn’t like everyone. She was unique. And while she might be socially awkward, she knew exactly what he needed.
“Tell me about her.”
He closed his eyes and let the memories he’d closed off for so long come. Surprisingly, they weren’t as sad and heartbreaking as he thought they’d be. In fact, the first ones to enter his head were the happy ones.
“She was a joyous kid who laughed all the time. And I loved making her laugh. But I also tortured her. I used to make funny faces at her right after she took a drink of something so it would come out her nose.”
“My middle brother loved to do that. Although I was always so serious, it rarely worked on me.”
“Mandy thought I was hilarious. It didn’t take much to get her to laugh.” His smile faded. “Even when her lung infection put her in the hospital for weeks at a time.”
“Your mother told me that you went to see her every day.”
Pain tightened his chest. “Not every day. Some days she had to play little ponies alone.”
“Little p-ponies?” Devlin choked on the words. He thought she was trying to keep from laughing.
“Yeah, I guess it must have been pretty funny to see a thirteen-year-old boy neighing, whinnying, and galloping a little green plastic pony around his sister’s hospital bed. She named the ponies after her favorite foods. There was Pizza and Macaroni and Chocolate Sundae and Snickers. And the one food she hated the most—Broccoli. He was the bad horse who wouldn’t stay in the corral and was always kicking the other ponies. Broccoli got regular lectures from the other ponies about being nice or he wouldn’t get to go to pony heaven.”
“And did he ever get to go to pony heaven?” Devlin asked.
Holden looked around. The sky was a deep blue with not one cloud to mar its perfection. Late August rains had greened up the vegetation that grew out of the rocky, red-soiled land. Land that stretched as far as the eye could see. Chester was right. There was something special about owning a piece of land. Especially in Texas. It was about as close to heaven as you could get.
He smiled. “As a matter of fact, he did. All the ponies ended up in pony paradise.”
Devlin made a soft huffing sound, and Holden glanced over at her. She wasn’t crying, but she looked like she was about to.
Damn. This hadn’t been his plan at all. He’d wanted to seduce her, not depress her. He took her reins, stopping both mares. He dismounted and pulled her into his arms. She didn’t fight him. Instead, she melted against him and buried her face in his neck.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
He rubbed her back. “How could you? I don’t normally talk about her.”
She drew back, her eyes direct and sincere. “You should. Talking about someone keeps them with you. My grandma talks about my grandpa all the time. It makes me feel sad, but it almost makes me feel like I knew him too. I want to hear about Amanda. I want you to tell me everything.”
He should’ve declined. Talking about his dead sister was not the way to get a woman back in bed. But for some reason—the sincerity of her eyes or the comforting feel of her arms around his neck—while the horses grazed and the breeze blew through his hair, he held on to Devlin and told her everything he’d kept inside for too long. He told her about Mandy’s illness and how he hated watching her slowly die. And he told her about how he’d known as soon as the principal showed up in his classroom that she was gone. He told her about refusing to go to the funeral because he couldn’t stand to see his sister buried in the cold ground. He even told her about carrying the lunchbox full of ponies around in his backpack for years before he had the strength to let it go.
But he realized now that he hadn’t let Mandy’s ponies go. He’d only buried them, just like he’d tried to bury all his memories of Mandy. And neither had helped him get over his sister’s death. Burying the ponies under the big oak tree had only turned the tree and all the land surrounding it into a kind of shrine. Like burying her memories had turned his entire being into a graveyard.
Mandy would’ve hated that. She would’ve hated her ponies being stuck in a box in the hard, cold ground. She would’ve wanted them to be played with. And she would’ve hated Holden being stuck in a life filled with nothing but work. She would’ve wanted her silly brother to laugh and enjoy life to the fullest.
As the truth dawned, he pulled Devlin closer. “Here I thought my mother had screwed me up. It turns out, I screwed up myself.”
Devlin’s arms tightened around him. “I don’t think you’re screwed up.
”
He brushed a kiss on the side of her head, breathing in the scent he’d come to crave. “Really? Then why did you pull away from me last night after we made love?” He realized his mistake when she drew back with wide eyes.
“We made love? I thought it was just no-strings sex.”
That’s what he’d thought he wanted. But now, looking into her hazel eyes, which held all the emotions she struggled to express, he discovered another truth. He wanted this honest, innocent, unusual woman. And not just for sex. He wanted to spend as much time as he could with her. Just as he had told her things he’d never told anyone else, he wanted her to tell him everything. He wanted to get to know Devlin McMillian.
He cradled her chin in his hand and brushed his thumb over her plump bottom lip. “You shouldn’t pay attention to what screwed-up men say.”
A smile blossomed on her face before she leaned in and kissed him.
Happiness that had been so elusive for so long settled around Holden like a warm, cozy blanket.
Chapter Thirteen
“I hate to interrupt your honeymoon, Penny, but this is an emergency.” Devlin clutched her cell phone to her ear and peeked out the kitchen window to make sure Holden was still outside painting the barn with Chester and Lucas.
He was, and he had taken his shirt off. The sight of the bronze muscles of his back gleaming in the morning sun made Devlin feel lightheaded . . . and extremely happy. Probably because, in the last few days, she’d gotten to touch all those muscles as much as she wanted to. Which was a lot. She’d touched them so much that she’d started thinking of them as hers.
Which explained this urgent phone call to Penny Cassidy.
“Is something wrong with Reba and Miss Gertie?” Penny asked in a concerned voice.
“No, they were fine the other day when I stopped by the boardinghouse to get my clothes.” Or maybe not fine. Reba was still leery about Devlin and Holden’s relationship, and Miss Gertie had given her a good twenty-minute lecture on not giving away the honey until the hive was completely paid for with wedding vows. Now Devlin felt extremely guilty because she’d given away the honey with the knowledge that she wasn’t ever going to pay for the hive. Holden might let her touch him anywhere she wanted, but he wasn’t ever going to marry her. Suddenly, she didn’t feel so happy, and these unusual mood swings had begun to scare her.
“Why would you get your clothes from the boardinghouse?” Penny asked. “Have you left Simple?”
“No. Lucas and Chester wanted me to stay at the Double Diamond until my ankle felt better.”
“But I thought you were okay.”
“I am.”
“Then is it Lucas and Chester?”
Realizing she was making a mess out of things and worrying Penny for no reason, Devlin got straight to the point of the call. “How did you know when you were in love with Cru?”
There was a long pause before Penny spoke. She didn’t sound happy. “I told Cru that something was going on between you and Holden, but he convinced me that Holden would never take advantage of you. But he did, didn’t he? He charmed his way right into your heart.”
“I’m not sure. That’s why I called you. I need to talk to someone who understands human emotions better than I do.”
“I’m not exactly an expert, Devlin. Cru is the first and only man I’ve ever loved.”
“Just tell me what you felt. Did you experience shortness of breath and an increased heart rate whenever Cru was around? Did you feel sad when you weren’t with him and completely ecstatic when you were? Did his kisses feel like the best kind of illegal drug on the market? And when he looked at you did you want to strip off all his clothes and climb right inside his skin?”
Penny sighed. “This is worse than I thought. How does Holden feel?”
It was a good question. One Devlin didn’t have an answer for. “I don’t know. We haven’t really talked about our feelings. But he acts like he likes being with me.”
In the last few days, Holden had monopolized Devlin’s time. He’d taken her horseback riding, on picnics, and swimming at a secluded spot on Evie and Penny’s land. He’d played checkers with her, watched old Westerns with her, and taken her up to the hayloft to stargaze . . . and make love. Of course, they made love whenever they got the chance.
Even now, she wanted to hang up with Penny and go get Holden so she could strip the rest of his clothes off and make love to his sweat-slick body.
“Maybe it’s just lust,” she said. “Up until now, I’ve led an extremely sexless life. Maybe all the great sex with a man I never thought would be attracted to me has gone to my head and made me a little confused. I’ve become the awkward, unpopular character in a romantic comedy that falls in love with the handsome leading man.” Except in this story, there would be no happy ending in a wedding chapel. She needed to remember that.
“That has to be it,” she said more to herself than to Penny. “I’ve gotten my sexual desire for Holden confused with a stronger emotion. I’m sorry for interrupting your honeymoon for such a ridiculous reason, Penny. You must think I’m a real idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot. You’re one of the smartest women I know. And you can call me anytime. That’s what friends are for.” There was a long pause. “I can’t tell you what you’re feeling, Devlin. All I can tell you is to be careful. I don’t want to see you get hurt. According to Cru, Holden isn’t looking for a long-term relationship. I hate to bring this up, but he won’t even let you test for oil on his land.”
Devlin no longer wanted to. Even though the soil samples she’d sent to her brother supported her belief that oil was there, being right and proving herself to her family didn’t compare to Holden’s grief over the death of his beloved sister. As soon as he told her about the ponies, she should’ve confessed about digging them up. But he had trusted her enough to bare his soul and she couldn’t bring herself to tell him the truth. Now she was more terrified than ever to tell him. Terrified that once he found out about her deception, he’d end their relationship. Love or lust, she couldn’t stand the thought of being without Holden. First chance she got, she planned to rebury the pony. For now, she intended to avoid any talk of oil.
“I’m afraid that I’ve made another miscalculation,” she said. “There’s no oil on Holden’s land.”
“I’m sorry,” Penny said. “But on the bright side, your search for oil brought you to Simple.”
That was a bright side. She had come to love the little town and would miss the friends she’d made there when she returned home. Now that she had decided not to lease Holden’s land, her family would expect her to return to Houston.
After she hung up with Penny, she couldn’t help feeling depressed. Not just about leaving Simple, but also about leaving Holden. Which was silly. She shouldn’t be sad about Holden and her going their separate ways. He had never made any promises to her. And she hadn’t made any to him.
“There you are, Devlin.” Holden’s mother swept into the kitchen holding her laptop. Marilyn had stayed much longer than Holden had thought she would. In fact, she seemed to be enjoying her time on the ranch. Or maybe she was just enjoying being with her son. Every morning, Holden made her coffee so she didn’t have to drink Chester’s strong brew and they sat out on the porch and talked. They appeared to be mending their relationship, and Devlin was glad. She liked Marilyn. And Marilyn seemed to like her
“What size dress do you wear?” she asked.
“A size eight,” Devlin replied, confused.
“That was my guess. Of course, we’ll have to have it fitted once it arrives.” Marilyn sat down at the table and tapped on her laptop. “Come here and tell me what you think of this.”
Devlin walked over and looked at the computer screen. She had never been the type of girl who got all aflutter over a dress, but there was no other way to describe the feeling that settled in her chest when she looked at the simple fitted wedding gown with its long train.
“Oh, Marilyn, it
’s lovely.”
“Exactly what I thought.” Marilyn hit the buy button, and then proceeded to check out. As she was typing in her credit card number and other pertinent information, it finally dawned on Devlin what was happening.
“Wait, Marilyn. You’re not buying that for me, are you?”
“Of course it’s for you. I’ve hit my quota of marriages.” She tapped the enter key. “There. It’s ordered.”
Devlin stared at her. “Oh no.”
“There’s nothing to get upset about. If you don’t like it when it gets here, you can always send it back.”
“It’s not that I don’t like the wedding gown. It’s just that . . .” She should tell Marilyn the truth. It was wrong to keep playing this game. Marilyn was a little arrogant and controlling, but she was also kind and loving and only wanted her son to be happy. But before she could start to explain, Holden walked into the room.
“It’s just that brides like to pick out their own wedding gowns, Mother.” He leaned in and gave Devlin a kiss on the lips. As always, it left her breathless. The fact that he still wasn’t wearing a shirt didn’t help.
“I let her pick it out.” Marilyn said. “You love it, don’t you, Devlin? And put on a shirt, Holden. No one wants to see you running around half naked.”
“No one?” He sent Devlin a heavy-lidded look that made her knees feel boneless before he pulled on the shirt he was carrying. “You want to drive me into town to get some more paint, Devlin? The old Jeep’s battery appears to be dead.”
“I don’t know why you haven’t gotten a new car, Holden,” Marilyn said. “That old beat-up Jeep is an embarrassment.”
Holden reached out and patted his mother on the top of her head. “Just because things are old and beat up doesn’t mean you should get rid of them.”
Devlin waited for Marilyn to get angry. Instead, a smile flickered at the corners of her mouth before she reached out and swatted Holden on the butt. “Be gone with you, my insolent son. And while you’re in town see if you can find me a decent bottle of wine.”
