himself.
TIM
Kutter. Kills mosquitoes. Prevents West Nile Virus. Contains Diethyl-meta-toluamide. Come on brain, think!
Tim opens a drawer and pulls out a high school yearbook.
TIM
Mr. Last-minute, what happened to you?
He flips a few pages.
INSERT: YEARBOOK PHOTO
A picture of himself running down a basketball court for a layup.
INSERT: CAPTION
"In the clutch, Tim Hoffleday sinks the winning shot!"
BACK TO SCENE
Tim thinks quietly to himself until the phone RINGS.
CUT TO:
INT: LIVING ROOM.
Jack sits on the couch watching television. He is on the edge of his seat. A couple of empty VHS tape cases lie on the table.
INSERT: TAPE COVERS
WRESTLEFEST 2 and ROWDY RODDIE PIPER'S ROWDIEST MOMENTS.
BACK TO SCENE
The telephone RINGS, again.
TIM
(0.C.)
Jack, will you get that.
Jack answers the phone.
JACK
This is Tim Hoffleday.
DELORES
(V.0.)
Hello, Jack.
JACK
Hey, Mom. How did you know it was me?
DELORES
Motherly instinct. I get it from Grandma. Don't ever try to pull one on her, she's even quicker than me!
JACK
Great, I will remember that. How is everything?
DELORES
Wonderful. I am calling to see how your brother's pitch with the Kutter people went, today.
JACK
Oh, I am sure it went great. Tim is a success at everything, remember?
DELORES
Well, good. How was your day, Jack?
JACK
It sucked, like usual. I got fired, punched in the eye, and Tim is kicking me out 'cause I don't have rent.
DELORES
Where is all your money?
JACK
I spent it on two new wrestling tapes I bought yesterday. And the rest on some pina coladas at the beach on Wednesday or maybe it was Tuesday? I don't remember. The days just kind of bleed together sometimes. Let's face it, Mom. I have two days to score 250 bucks. I think I am going to go whore myself out on Fourth Street. There are plenty of women that would pay for this!
Jack sucks in his gut and flexes his flabby arm.
DELORES
That's horrible! Don't say that! Listen, maybe you can help your Grandma out this weekend on her garage sale? She would probably give you a small cut. She has a lot of stuff to sell and she is too old and tired to manage it all on her own. She could use you, Jack.
JACK
Spend the day with Grandma?
Jack SIGHS
JACK
Fine. But she can't preach to me and she has to make me lunch.
DELORES
I am sure she will be excited to hear she will be getting some help. Just be there at seven 'o' clock tomorrow morning. OK, I have to go, Jack. It is Bingo night!
JACK
OK, thanks for looking out, Mom. Have fun and don't get TOO crazy! Wait, have I told you the name for my band, yet?
DELORES
Band? I didn't even know you were in a band.
JACK
Tentatively speaking, I am. Anyways, I have done some deep meditating and I think we are going to call ourselves, "Highway Petroleum Jelly." You get it? Like Highway Patrol mixed with petroleum jelly. It is genius, Mom!
DELORES
It is...clever. Give my love to Tim.
Jack hangs up the phone and rebounds off the couch into Tim's room.
CUT TO:
INT: BEDROOM
Tim chews on a pencil while flipping through his yearbook. Jack stumbles in.
JACK
Hey, wanna watch the end of this tape with me? It is "Rowdy Roddie Piper's Rowdiest Moments!"
TIM
No, I am working on something. Shouldn't you be packing or trying to sell your stuff?
JACK
Not funny!
Jack leaves.
CUT TO:
INT: LIVING ROOM.
Jack sprawls out on the couch and yawns.
JACK
Yeah, baby. Rowdy Roddie Piper is tough so you don't have to be!
TIM
(0.C.)
Keep it down out there!
He watches his wrestling movie and slowly nods off.
INSERT: TELEVISION
Rowdy Roddie Piper puts Jimmie "Supahfly" Snuka in a sleeper hold submission move. The referee raises Snuka's arm and lets it drop back down. The referee jumps up and calls for the bell. DING! DING! DING! The bell rings as Piper wins it. Snuka falls to the wrestling mat out cold.
BACK TO SCENE
Jack is out cold on the couch.
CUT TO:
INT: NEXT MORNING.
The television is still on but the screen is blank. The phone RINGS a few times, but Jack is fast asleep on the couch.
TIM
(0.C.)
Jack, pick up the phone. It is Grandma.
Jack picks up the television remote and puts it to his ear.
JACK
Hey, Grandma. (Pause) Grandma?
He drops the remote and grabs the phone.
JACK
Hey, Grandma.
GRANDMA
Good morning, Jack. What time this morning do you think you will be coming by to help me out?
JACK
I told Mom about seven.
GRANDMA
Oh, well it is seven-thirty now.
JACK
Oh, shit!
Jack hops up and rubs his eyes.
JACK
I mean, shoot! I am on my way Grandma!
Jack pulls on his shoes. He KNOCKS on Tim's bedroom door and then peeks in.
CUT TO:
INT: BEDROOM.
Tim is asleep in his bed. An old shoebox is open and tipped over on the floor. High school photographs and memorabilia are scattered around the shoebox.
JACK
Tim, can I borrow your bike.
Tim throws up his arm and nods his head without waking up.
JACK
I will take that as a yes!
CUT TO:
EXT: NEIGHBORHOOD.
Jack rides the ten-speed like a total maniac through the streets and across front lawns. He hops over curbs and kicks over trash cans.
CUT TO:
EXT: MAY'S HOUSE.
Jack screeches up the driveway and skids through the slick grass. He smells his own breath and then his armpits, shrugs, and disappears into the house.
CUT TO:
INT: MAY'S HOUSE.
Jack's grandma, MAY, puts some old records in a box. Jack sneaks up on her and kisses her on the cheek.
JACK
I made it.
MAY
Thank you so much, Jack. Follow me out to the garage.
Jack follows her to the garage.
CUT TO:
INT: GARAGE.
Jack stands with an enormous frown on his face. Cardboard boxes are piled to the ceiling on top of antique desks, chairs, and other miscellaneous furniture.
MAY
I have a lot of stuff, as you can see. I will give you one-fourth of whatever we make and I will make you lunch.
JACK
Howabout a third of whatever we make and I will let you tell me one of your bible stories?
She smiles.
MAY
You're a tough bargain, just like I used to be. Everything is tagged with a small sticker that has the price on it. Just move everything out onto the driveway and I will go put the signs out. People should be arriving instantly.
Jack smells a rusted aluminum coffee can.
MAY
Don't budge more than a few dollars on the furniture and above all things, DO NOT sell anything from off this shelf.
May
points to a massive wooden bookshelf full of books and trinkets. One shelf contains a beautiful wooden chest. The chest is white and very antique.
JACK
Not a problem, Grandma. Go drop those lures and let's catch us some fishies!
CUT TO:
EXT: DRIVEWAY.
Jack carries out the last thing, an old record player, and puts it on a table. A few cars start pulling up. People scurry up the driveway and pick through the boxes of stuff.
JACK
Good morning.
An old Chinese woman ignores him. Grandma pulls up and hobbles out of her car.
MAY
I will help for about an hour or so, but no longer. I cannot stand on my feet for very long.
JACK
No problem, Grandma. You can count on me to sell all this shit...STUFF! Sell all this STUFF!
CUT TO:
INT: THE MEADOW'S HOUSE.
Twenty-one year old ASHLEY MEADOW sleeps in her bed as her alarm BUZZES.
INSERT: ALARM CLOCK
9:12
BACK TO SCENE
BRITNEY
(O.C.)
Ashley, get up! Your stupid alarm clock has been going off for like ten minutes!
Ashley rolls over and SMACKS it.
ASHLEY
Ugh, I don't want to go to work today.
She flips off the covers and staggers to the bathroom.
CUT TO:
INT: BATHROOM.
Ashley looks in the mirror to see her own saggy, colorless face freckled with zits.
Her bathroom vanity is covered in numerous Mary-Cay cosmetic lotions, make-ups, and moisturizers.
ASHLEY
(lackluster)
Mary-Cay beautician, pledge number one: Nobody else can see the beauty in themselves unless they see the beauty in me! Pledge number two: E.C.M.M. Exfoliate, cleanse, moisturize, and make yourself beautiful! Pledge number three: Sell yourself to...
Britney barges in.
BRITNEY
(interrupting)
Cut it out with that goody-goody, by-the-book crap and just give up already. You've been trying for weeks to outsell me and it'll never happen. You will never sell fifteen hundred by tonight's meeting. Hey, can I borrow a little bit of your kiwi-avocado moisturizer?
Britney grabs it off the vanity and disappears.
Ashley scowls.
CUT TO:
EXT: DRIVEWAY.
Jack sleeps in a chair as May attempts to keep up with the barrage of people picking through her belongings. She SIGHS.
MAY
Jack. Jack!
Jack wakes up.
JACK
Huh? Yeah, sorry, I just dozed off for a minute.
MAY
My feet are tired. I am going in for a while.
JACK
What? We've only been going for like ten minutes.
MAY
No, honey. You were asleep for an hour. I am going inside, now.
JACK
An hour? Really? Wow.
Jack stretches and strolls around the driveway.
MAY
Can you grab these last few boxes and put them out before I go in? It is just some old rock and roll albums.
JACK
Absolutely.
He grabs one of the boxes and sets it next to the record player. Jack's face glows with joy as he flips through the records.
JACK
Whoa! These are classics! The Rolling Stones. Johnny Cash. Billy Joel! Grandma, were these yours?
May doesn't hear him as she goes inside.
An OLD LADY taps on Jack's shoulder.
OLD LADY
Excuse me, young man. How much for this gravy boat?
JACK
A dolla...0h wait, that isn't just any gravy boat! That is the very gravy boat that sat on the table of the King.
OLD LADY
Oh my, what king?
Jack plucks an Elvis Presley album from the box of records and puts it in the Old Lady's face.
JACK
What king? Why, THE KING, Elvis Presley! It will be three dollars, please.
She hands him the money and leaves.
Jack notices a man looking at a set of golf clubs. He strolls up next to him.
JACK
My grandfather never missed a par at the PGA with those clubs!
The MAN turns around.
MAN
Really? Who was your grandfather?
JACK
Uh, only Jack Nicholson!
MAN
You mean, Jack Nicklaus?
JACK
Yep, him, and it will be forty dollars for those beauties, sir.
The man flips Jack two twenty-dollar bills.
A very OLD MAN approaches Jack with a camera in his hand.
Meanwhile, a yellow Volkswagon Beetle pulls up to the curb.
The Good, the Plaid, and the Ugly Page 3
