repellent. The woman speaks softly.
MOTHER
Here you go, baby, let's put some of this mosquito repellent on you.
MOTHER
Well, it is our way of telling all the buggies that want to bite you to BUZZ OFF!
The child swats at a bug that whizzes by.
CHILD
Buzz off!
Sammie yanks Tim from his gazing.
TIM
Hmmm, that might work. Tell mosquitoes to BUZZ OFF!
He keeps walking.
TIM
Gosh, it's close but still not right. Still not perfect.
JACK
(0.C.)
Tim! Tim!
Tim looks around to see who is calling his name. Jack screeches
up to Tim on his bicycle.
JACK
Hey, bro. We have to talk!
TIM
Jack, this really isn't good timing. I am trying to...
JACK
(interrupting)
Dude, I fucked up royally!
TIM
What did you do this time? Make a donut joke in front of a police officer? Please tell me you didn't get busted for Public urination, again? Is it so bad that you have to interrupt my park-time?
JACK
Yes! This is serious. I am talking excommunication from our family!
TIM
Go on.
JACK
I sold the chest.
Tim keeps walking with Sammie as Jack slowly rides behind.
TIM
The chest?
JACK
You know, the family heirloom, that little white box that gets passed down from the girls in our family every fifty years.
Tim stops and turns around.
TIM
You sold it? I want nothing to do with your scheme of getting it back.
JACK
Oh, I think we're past that.
TIM
Explain, please.
JACK
Listen, I just have to call this dumb, Mary-Cay makeup girl and get it back. I will refund her the sixty dollars. All I need from you is a ride over to her place and for you to tell a small white lie.
TIM
Jack, I really do not have time for this. My presentation bombed yesterday and I have only one chance to make it up to them. This is my first big account and I need it. It will put me on the map. It will get me out of the minor leagues and into the majors. Jack, I don't have time to help you out with another one of your blunders.
JACK
Tim, this will be the last time, ever, I swear! I will make it up to you somehow. All the women in our family have been looking forward to this dumb reunion. This book means more to them than I ever will. Tim, they will sacrifice me at the reunion if I don't get back the chest. They will put me on a spit and roast me. Tim, I am no good roasted. I am all fat!
Tim shakes his head.
TIM
No.
JACK
No?
TIM
No. I disagree with you, if you're all fat, then you're perfect for roasting.
Tim laughs and continues his stroll. Jack frowns.
TIM
But seriously… No.
JACK
No? OK. So, did that scar on your hand ever heal up?
TIM
Oh, not this again. You've milked this story dry of all its benefits!
JACK
One last time, Tim. Just one final ride on the memory express. Chooo! Chooo!
Jack makes train noises while tugging an imaginary chain above his head.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT: HIGHSCHOOL. HALLWAY. 1997.
There is nobody in the hallway except for a group of boys, including Jack and Jerry Tarmack. They stand outside of a janitor's closet between some lockers. Tarmack peeks his head into the closet.
CUT TO:
INT: JANITOR'S CLOSET.
Tim delicately balances himself on a stack of wooden crates and buckets. He gazes through a vent in the wall.
JERRY
Yo, Tim. Your time is up. It's my turn.
TIM
No way, dude. This was my discovery and I ain't moving until I get the first shot. Oh shit, Felicia Johnson is about to take off her top!
Jerry shakes his head and closes the door. Tim stands on his tippy-toes and pulls himself up to see better.
Suddenly, the boxes and buckets wobble beneath his weight and topple over.
TIM
SHIT!
Tim accidentally puts his arm through the vent as he avoids falling.
CUT TO:
INT: GIRL'S LOCKER-ROOM.
The girls casually change out of their gym clothing.
Suddenly, a vent high up on one of the walls, pops out. All the girls SCREAM and panic as they see the vent bounce off of a locker onto the floor and an arm reach through the hole where the vent was.
CUT TO:
INT: HALLWAY.
All the SCREAMING echoes off the walls and tile floors. Jerry tries to open the closet door but it is wedged closed.
TARMACK
Oh shit, it's stuck!
All the boys look at each other and run, except for Jack. He BANGS on the door.
JACK
Tim, open up!
The door swings open and Tim stumbles out. His left hand is bleeding profusely.
Within seconds, students pour out of the classrooms to see what the commotion is. Tim jams his bleeding hand into his pocket to hide it.
A few teachers, including the school principal, MR. JEFFRIES, come running down the hall. They all stare at Tim and Jack.
MR. JEFFRIES
What is going on here?
A group of girls run down the hallway behind their gym teacher, MRS. IVY.
MRS. IVY
I will tell you what's going on here! Those two perverts were spying on these girls in the locker-room.
MR. JEFFRIES
How is that possible?
Mrs. Ivy throws the twisted vent down at the feet of Tim and Jack.
MR. JEFFRIES
Tim Hoffleday, I want an explanation, now!
TIM
Well, you see…
JACK
I was in their standing on some boxes looking in the girls' locker-room. I told Tim about it and he came to stop me. I fell, knocked out the vent, and got stuck under some boxes. He pulled me from the rubble. That's it.
Mrs. Ivy barges past them into the closet.
MR. JEFFRIES
Good for you, Tim. You always seem to be their in the clutch when people need you most! Now, who are you, son?
Mrs. Ivy comes out of the closet with a bottle of lotion and a roll of toilet paper.
MRS. IVY
Explain this!
Jack throws Tim a dirty look. Tim blushes.
JACK
Uhhhh.
MR. JEFFRIES
What's your name, son?
JACK
Jack Hoffleday.
A few students in the crowd SNICKER.
MRS. IVY
You think that's funny you little pervert?
JACK
What? What's funny?
MRS. IVY
Jack off all day. That's real cute. What's your real name?
JACK
That is my real name.
A few of the students behind the principal silently motion with their hands as if they are masturbating. They point at Jack and laugh.
JACK
Shit.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT: PARK.
Tim stands with his shoulders slumped and his head hanging.
JACK
If anyone should be dubbed, Mr. Last Minute, it should be me for coming through and saving your reputation and image at the expense my own.
TIM
I don't get it, Jack. Are you jealous? Are you angry with me?
JACK
No. I am CURSED. The decision I made that day to stick up for you was the stupidest thing I have
ever done.
TIM
Are you sure about that? What about when you were seven and you ate those seamonkeys and you thought they were all swimming around inside you. You were pretty flipped out then.
JACK
No, this was the stupidest. Seriously, Tim, I became the butt of every puberty and masturbation joke imaginable. No girl would date me, no club wanted me, and nobody even wanted to be associated with me. Three years of being called a LOSER and treated like a LOSER will make you become a LOSER!
TIM
Jack, you're not a loser. You just...
Tim scratches his head.
TIM
(continuing)
You just need to let go of your past if it is cursing you so much. What you did for me that day was something I could never repay you for in words or favors. And I am sorry if your life has been nothing but a downward spiral since then, but it isn't too late to begin again. Any idea where?
After a few seconds go by Jack throws up his hands.
JACK
I give up.
TIM
You need to start by being honest. Honest with yourself, and with everyone else. No more lying. No more just getting by. No more scheming. No more manipulating.
JACK
Sounds like another job.
TIM
Yeah, it will be, and probably the hardest one ever. But I assure you that it will be worth it. Jack, you can be so clever, quick, and imaginative, yet you do nothing useful with it. Just push yourself to tell the truth and be sincere. I think you will be surprised how much further it will get you than your sly craftiness. I will meet you at home after I finish my stroll with Sammie and we'll go get the chest back. OK?
JACK
Hell yeah! Thanks, Tim! Do you mind if I start this whole "honesty" trip after I get the chest back?
TIM
Sure, I guess living a lie just one more day couldn't hurt, right?
Jack gives Tim a big bear hug and speeds off on the bicycle.
CUT TO:
INT: TIM'S HOUSE.
Jack sits at the kitchen table flipping through the phone book. He picks up the phone and dials some numbers. After a few rings, a voice answers on the other end.
CALLER #1
(V.0.)
Hello?
JACK
Howdy. I am looking for a young lady named Ashley Meadows. Does she live at this residence?
CALLER #1
No, wrong number. Sorry.
Jack hangs up and slides his finger down to the second of the thirty names on the page.
Jack dials again.
CUT TO:
INT: MEADOW'S HOUSE.
REVEREND WENDALL MEADOWS sits at his desk doing paperwork. A crucifix dangles around his neck. He delicately signs his name on the dotted line of a form.
INSERT: FORM
Reverand Wendall Meadows
BACK TO SCENE
Britney strolls in and sits down.
BRITNEY
Hey, Daddy. Tonight I am going to the Mary-Cay Beautician meeting. And then I am going out with a few of the girls to eat and see a late movie. I will be home at about 2 or 3.
WENDALL
OK, my little angel. Your mother and I are going down to the church tonight, for a little while, to help prepare for the garage sale this weekend. Maybe we can meet you for dinner?
BRITNEY
Uhhhh, well, I don't know. We still haven't decided where we're eating. We might grab fast food if out movie starts sooner than we think.
WENDALL
No problem. I thought that maybe, for once, we could spend a Saturday night with our little winner. But hey, enjoy your celebration.
He gives her a hug.
BRITNEY
Thanks, Daddy.
She takes a deep breath and feels her heartbeat as she hurries out of the room.
The Phone RINGS. Wendall reaches over and answers it.
WENDALL
This is the Reverend Wendall Meadows.
JACK
(V.0.)
Good afternoon, I am trying to reach...did you say "Reverend?"
WENDALL
Yes. Whom am I speaking with?
JACK
Well, REVEREND, this is...DOCTOR Hoffleday. I am trying to reach Ashley Meadows.
WENDALL
Well, Ashley is my daughter, Doctor. Might I ask what this is regarding?
JACK
I am just trying to get a hold of her. Do you know how else I might be able to contact her? My business with her is strictly confidential so I am really not at liberty to discuss it with anybody but her.
WENDALL
Well, I believe I reserve the right to know any information you might have for my daughter, as I am her primary caretaker.
JACK
Hmmmm (pause). I will be honest, Reverend, I never would have proceeded with my tests with her had I known her own dad was a practicing holy man.
WENDALL
What ever are you talking about? What tests? Is she OK?
JACK
She is very healthy. In fact, that is why she was chosen among our scientists here at the facility.
WENDALL
Scientists? Facility? Please give me all the facts, Doctor.
JACK
OK, but I ask that you refrain from speaking to her about this until...tomorrow.
WENDALL
Very well. Please proceed.
JACK
Please bear with me as I expound unto you what she has been helping us with. Ashley has been...
Father Meadows rubs the crucifix around his neck as he GASPS in horror.
CUT TO:
INT: TIM'S HOUSE.
Jack hangs up the phone and staggers into Tim's room.
CUT TO:
INT: BEDROOM.
Tim is drawing at his desk as Jack drops down on the bed.
JACK
Alright, I did some investigating and I found her home number in the phone book, and an address. I also found out that her father is a reverend, but he wouldn't cough up any other means for me to get a hold of her.
TIM
Great. So after all the women in our family kill you, you'll go to hell. Drop me a postcard!
JACK
Funny. What if I just wait outside her house for her? No, then I would just look like a stalker. Or what if I… no, that won't work either. I am missing something I know it.
TIM
Didn't you say she worked for a cosmetic company?
Jack quickly rebounds off the bed and dashes out of the room.
CUT TO:
INT: OFFICE.
Inside a cubicle sits JANICE HAROLD. Her makeup is on very heavy. She wears a headset and types on a keyboard. On her desk is a big colorful salad.
JANICE
And thank you for calling Mary-Cay Cosmetics. Have a nice day, ma'am.
She pokes a button on the phone and then shoves a fork full of leafy greens in to her mouth.
The telephone RINGS. Janice pokes the phone with her extra long painted fingernail.
JANICE
Thank you for calling Mary Cay Cosmetics, this is Janice. Are you interested in hearing about how you can receive some free avocado-kiwi moisturizer, today?
JACK
(V.0.)
Does it taste like avocado and kiwi?
JANICE
No, sir. None of our products are edible.
JACK
Not even safe to lick? Sometimes I like to lick my wife in wonderful places when she smells like a tropical fruit and vegetable medley. It's almost like she's bathed herself in V-8. I don't know what it is about us and vegetables because we are serious carnivores. She really loves it when I bring home a bag of cucumbers and...
JANICE
(interrupting)
OK, sir. Is there something I can help you with, today?
JACK
Yes, there is. I am trying to locate a certain one of your Cosmetic girls. She recently sold us some of
your fine products and we would like to purchase more, but I have lost her number.
JANICE
Very well, what is her name?
JACK
Ashley Meadows.
Janice types on her computer.
JANICE
That's in Clearwater, Florida?
JACK
Yep.
JANICE
I have a home telephone number, if that will work?
JACK
What about a cell-phone number?
JANICE
No, sir. Just her home phone number. Oh wait, it does list here that there will be an open-door beautician meeting in her area this evening. It looks as if it is mandatory. You should be able to locate her there.
JACK
Open-door?
JANICE
Yes, that means it is for anyone who would like to attend. Anyone who is interested in becoming a beautician or getting a makeover or...
JACK
Golden. Might you have a time and place for me, Janice?
JANICE
Yes. Doors open at eight for visitors and it is located at the Clearwater School of Cosmetology in the Auxiliary room.
JACK
So will they have free samples for me and my wife to try out?
JANICE
Yes, sir.
JACK
Yummy. I am just going to have to be extra careful that I don't catch the sweet scent of anything papaya, mango, or potato. Because I might get a little hot and bothered and want to pull out my carrot.
JANICE
You're what?
JACK
My carrot. We labeled our special members after our favorite vegetables. Hers is like a ripe, pitted avocado on a warm summer...
JANICE
(interrupting)
Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?
JACK
No.
JANICE
Have a good day.
Janice hangs up the phone as she glares at the carrots and avocado in her salad. She pushes it into the trash.
CUT TO:
INT: JEEP.
Tim drives his Jeep Cherokee while Jack adjusts the passenger seat.
TIM
That's ridiculous. It is fake blood.
JACK
No, it isn't. They really bleed!
TIM
They can't. When Magic Johnson contracted HIV and decided to play basketball again, many of the other players came out and said they would not participate in any game with him for fear of him bleeding on them. So for you to think that they slice themselves open with a small razor blade is absurd.
JACK
Red is green, Tim! Blood sells tickets and makes money. One day I will prove to you that they really cut themselves. Somehow. Someway. Mark my words!
TIM
Jack, even you must realize that it is fake!
Jack says nothing.
TIM
It is just entertainment. Nothing more than a choreographed performance of grown men wearing colorful leotards and tight underwear while taking turns headlocking, suplexing, and dropkicking each other. All for an oversized gold belt buckle.
JACK
You have no appreciation for the art of professional wrestling. I am done with this conversation.
TIM
Fine with me.
Tim and Jack sit in complete silence for a couple minutes. Jack crosses his arms and pouts.
Suddenly, Jack bounces forward in his seat.
JACK
Stop! Watch out for the ducks!
CUT TO:
EXT: STREET.
The Jeep screeches to a stop. Two ducks waddle through the busy street. Jack hops out of the Jeep and helps the ducks across.
A driver, named HANK, stopped behind them in an old rusty pickup truck, yells at Jack.
HANK
Hey, you're holding up traffic asshole! Let's move.
JACK
Go on little duckies. There we go, back to the pond.
The ducks waddle down a hill into a pond. Jack redirects his attention to the driver.
JACK
Do you know what kind of birds those were?
Hank shakes his head like he doesn't care.
JACK
No? Well do you know what kind of bird this is?
Jack flips his middle finger off at Hank.
Hank climbs out of his truck to reveal that he is over six feet tall and built like a linebacker. He lifts Jack up off the ground by his collar.
CUT TO:
INT: JEEP.
TIM
Oh, shit.
Tim looks around for a moment and reaches into the back seat and grabs hold of a can of Kutter aerosol mosquito fogger. He slides out of the Jeep.
CUT TO:
EXT: STREET.
Other drivers are yelling and honking their horns at the delay of traffic. Tim sneaks up behind Hank.
HANK
You think you're real cute, huh? Why don't you mouth off to me now!
TIM
(0.C.)
Excuse me.
HANK
Fuck off, buddy, this doesn't concern you.
Tim shakes up the can of mosquito fogger while Hank chokes Jack.
TIM
Jack, can you breathe with him choking you?
Jack wildly TAPS out on Hank's shoulder while his tongue hangs out of his mouth and his eyes roll to the back of his head.
TIM
You must not watch the art of professional wrestling, because that means he gives up.
HANK
I said, FUCK OFF!
Tim takes a deep breath and sprays the can of fogger until the air is completely clouded. Hank drops Jack as he GASPS for fresh air. Tim grabs Jack and dashes to the Jeep while Hank staggers down the hill and tumbles into the pond.
CUT TO:
INT: JEEP.
Jack rubs his throat while Tim drives.
JACK
What happened to you back there? You became another person. In the blink of an eye you were like my knight in shining armor.
TIM
I couldn't bear watching that guy choke you out, especially since you still owe me rent.
Jack gives Tim a dirty look.
TIM
What was with you? All that compassion and concern for another being beside yourself? Jack, I didn't realize you had that kind of substance deep down. It was a side of you that was mildly agreeable.
JACK
Yeah, I guess I FLOOR MYSELF, sometimes.
A few seconds pass as Tim processes Jack's statement.
TIM
(to himself)
FLOOR THEM! I can see it, now. A mosquito is lying belly up, and above him it says, "Floor them!"
JACK
Right.
TIM
You think it's right?
JACK
What? No, turn right.
TIM
Oh.
Tim steers the vehicle right, into a large parking lot. They pass a sign for the Cosmetology school.
INSERT: SIGN
Welcome to the Clearwater School of Cosmetology
CUT TO:
INT: AUXILIARY ROOM.
The doors are wide open and the room is crowded. Everything is Mary-Cay Cosmetics. Women sit in chairs and receive makeovers while others sit through a small lecture on becoming beauticians.
Ashley Meadows sits at a table with a vast array of makeup, moisturizers, and nail polish arranged before her.
Two other Mary-Cay beauticians gossip by the entrance.
BEAUTICIAN #1
Yeah, I heard she sold all 1500 dollars at one location. And not only that, but she is the youngest beautician we have right now! I can't wait to meet her later and congratulate her on her trip to Paris!
BEAUTICIAN #2
Well, she deserves a trip to Paris with that kind of commitment and talent. She is a great example for us all! But she hasn't won yet, there is still another hour until they a
nnounce her the winner.
BEAUTICIAN #1
Well, unless someone comes in here and purchases over 1500 dollars in products, she is the winner.
The two Beauticians walk off as Jack and Tim enter the room.
JACK
Oh man, who knew this place would be such a hot spot for chicks!
TIM
Let's find your girl and get this over with. Do you see her?
JACK
No, not yet. Let's walk around.
They stroll around for a few moments until Jack notices her.
JACK
Their she is. Wait here while I handle this.
Jack strolls up to the table where Ashley sits.
JACK
Hey there, how are you? Remember me?
ASHLEY
No.
JACK
Earlier today you came to my garage sale and bought something from me. Yeah, I read the side of your car door. It said, Ashley Meadows.
Ashley looks past him while ignoring his small talk.
JACK
So, you been doing this long?
ASHLEY
Yeah. You want to buy something or what?
JACK
Actually, I want to buy something back. You see, I sold you a small white chest earlier today at a garage sale and it had something extremely valuable inside of it. And I would like to refund you your money and request back my chest and its contents.
ASHLEY
No. Sorry.
JACK
Listen, I will give you back your money and I will even buy a bottle of this stuff.
Jack
The Good, the Plaid, and the Ugly Page 5
