picks up a bottle of kiwi-avocado moisturizer.
ASHLEY
No. But the moisturizer will be seven fifty.
Jack fakes sincerity and honesty the best he can.
JACK
Listen, I REALLY need that chest back. It was an honest mistake and I ask that you please return it. It is a precious family heirloom.
ASHLEY
No. And if you aren't going to buy anything then please leave because you're blocking my display.
Jack stares at her.
JACK
I must not be hearing you, because it sounds like you keep saying "No," and that...
ASHLEY
(interrupting)
Fuck off, LOSER. You are not getting that chest back.
Jack stands completely stunned.
JACK
You swindled me out of...
ASHLEY
SECURITY! SECURITY!
A security officer approaches them from across the room.
JACK
Alright, there is no need for this. What do you want? I will give you anything to have that chest back. Do you want me for an evening of unbridled passion? Do you want money? Do you...
Ashley sits back in her chair and SIGHS while Jack rambles on.
Behind Jack, Britney enters the room. Dozens of women clap and cheer for her. Ashley notices and scowls.
ASHLEY
OK, can it. You want your book back?
Jack nods.
ASHLEY
OK, then you have to purchase 1550 dollars worth of products from me right now.
JACK
Are you fucking bankers? I don't have that kind of money on me.
ASHLEY
Well, here comes the security guard to throw your desperate ass out of here. Think faster.
The Security Guard steps up to the table.
GUARD
Is everything alright here? I thought I heard someone yelling.
Jack grinds his teeth.
JACK
Will you take a check?
Ashley smiles with victory.
CUT TO:
INT: AUXILIARY ROOM.
A crowd of women surround Britney as she tells a story.
BRITNEY
And then I looked her in the eye and told her she needed the pomegranite-almond facial scrub. But before she could reply I put a bottle of lavender-mint astringent in her hand. Her husband was breathless and all he could bare to do was sign the check as he ogled at my chest. She thanked me endlessly for helping her feel beautiful again. She later told me I might have saved her marriage!
All the women applaud and congratulate her. Britney bows and blows kisses.
Ashley strides towards Britney and barges through the crowd.
ASHLEY
Hey, Britney. Here are the keys to the car. Try to have fun in Ybor City tonight.
Britney sees her sister and rolls her eyes. She snatches the keys.
BRITNEY
Hey Ash, this is the winners circle, I believe the pity party is on the other side of the room.
ASHLEY
Hey, why don't you stop stroking your ego for a moment and look at this.
Ashley hands Britney a check. Britney looks at briefly and then does a double take. She gawks at the check.
BRITNEY
Fifteen hundred and sixty dollars! Doctor Tim Hoffleday. What is this, some kind of joke?
Ashley snatches the check back.
ASHLEY
No. This Doctor just purchased everything I had.
Ashley turns to walk away but spins back around.
ASHLEY
By the way, can I borrow your suitcase after you empty it?
Britney faints.
ASHLEY
Bon voyage!
CUT TO:
EXT: AUXILIARY ROOM.
Jack and Tim stand by the doors as people pour out of the building.
TIM
Why did you want me to give you a check for sixty bucks? Didn't you just make some money this morning from Grandma?
JACK
Yeah, but I left the money at her house.
TIM
So when do we get the book back?
JACK
Well, she said she would meet us out here at ten. She has it in the front seat of her car.
TIM
Good. I can be home by ten-thirty and hard at work on my Kutter account by eleven.
Britney barges out the doors sobbing. She climbs into Ashley's yellow Volkswagon Beetle and peels out of the parking lot. Jack watches the whole thing curiously.
JACK
Hmm, that's strange.
The two Beauticians exit the building and gossip as they walk by Tim and Jack.
BEAUTICIAN #1
That is amazing. Fifteen hundred and sixty dollars in one sale. And at the LAST MINUTE, too!
BEAUTICIAN #2
I know, isn't that exciting! And she said it was from a Doctor.
The Beauticians move on.
Ashley exits the building surrounded by women. They all shake her hand and congratulate her.
ASHLEY
Thank you, everyone, for your gratitude. I will take lots of pictures while I am in Paris and show you all when I get back.
They all break apart as Ashley walks to the parking lot. Jack and Tim follow.
JACK
Ashley. Hey, Ashley.
She turns and sees him.
ASHLEY
Oh yeah, you. Follow me.
She walks towards her sister's old, beat up Pinto. It has a magnetic sign on the side.
INSERT: SIGN
Mary-Cay Beautician: Britney Meadows
BACK TO SCENE
ASHLEY
Oh, darn. I made a mistake.
JACK
What do you mean?
ASHLEY
I don't have the book. My sister does. She borrowed my car and it is on the front seat. You'll just have to get later, sorry.
JACK
There is no later. I need it now. Where did your sister go?
ASHLEY
Listen, you don't want to bother her right now. She is extremely volatile! Call me on Friday when I get back from my trip and I will let you come get it.
JACK
Friday is no good. I need it now. Where'd she go?
ASHLEY
She went to Club Maxim in Ybor City to drink and dance away her problems, just like any teenage girl with big boobs and a little brain does. If you want it that bad, it's you funeral! Have fun. I have some packing to do.
TIM
That's it?
ASHLEY
Oh wow, the DOCTOR speaks! Yeah, that's it.
Ashley gets in the car and leaves.
TIM
Why'd she call me "the Doctor?"
JACK
I don't know, that's just weird, huh? So, off to Ybor we go?
TIM
We?
JACK
Yep. Come on, Tim. It won't hurt you to UNWIND for once. You work too much. You need to live a little.
TIM
Twice in a day's time. Am I really that uptight?
JACK
You've been an uptight weenie since your senior year. Do you mind if we drop by the house real quick so I can clean up?
INT: JEEP.
Tim drives on Interstate 275 to Ybor City. They pass a traffic sign.
INSERT: TRAFFIC SIGN
Next right: Ybor City, Historic District.
BACK TO SCENE
Jack wears a plaid kilt and continues to adjust the seat.
JACK
Thanks for dropping by the house really quick.
TIM
If you had told me it was so you could put on that ridiculous kilt I never would have wasted the time.
JACK
Hey, we are going to Ybor. I have to get a little dressed up. Besides, it wasn't all that much of a waste of time. Sammie could have relieved himself on your new couch.
Tim nods his head and agrees.
You know what? In the midst of all this excitement, today, I don't think I got a chance to tell you the name of my new band.
TIM
How unfortunate.
JACK
Dude, this is awesome. Me and the Bob brothers are...
TIM
(interrupting)
Any sentence that starts with "me and the Bob brothers" is like a double negative, Jack. It is bound NOT to make sense. Similar to a grown man wearing a skirt.
JACK
You finished? The name of our band is...
TIM
(interrupting)
Jack, you don't even own an instrument.
JACK
Hello, I'm the lead singer.
TIM
The lead singer? And what is the name of this band you will be singing for?
JACK
The Unortho-dachsunds. Get it? I took two words like unorthodox and dachsund and I combined them to...
TIM
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Welcome to Ybor, Jack. You should fit right in!
CUT TO:
EXT: PARKING LOT.
Tim tries to maneuver the Jeep into a parking spot but a couple
of drunk college kids stand in the spot making-out. Tim HONKS
the horn and flashes his brights. They stumble off.
CUT TO:
EXT: YBOR CITY.
It is six long blocks of clubs and bars on both sides of the street. It is like a miniature Mardi Gras. Tim and Jack push their way through crowds of partying pedestrians. Music blares from each nightclub as they walk by.
TIM
I hate Ybor. It's like one big party and the only people who were sent invitations were circus performers, amateur porn-stars, and methadone clinic escapees.
Jack does a different dance past each nightclub as each plays it's own style of music.
JACK
Woooooooo! I love Ybor City!
TIM
Let's get this chest and get home. I have stuff to do.
They head towards Club Maxim.
CUT TO:
EXT: CLUB MAXIM.
A line of people winds out the door. Tim and Jack get at the end of the line.
TIM
You stand in line while I go see if I can get us into the club. Tarmack's brother bounces at a couple of these places.
Jack nods to his brother, even though he is completely distracted by a tall, blond-haired woman standing before him in line. Her name is TONYA and she is in a plaid skirt and a white top. Jack intentionally bumps her.
JACK
Oops, pardon me, gorgeous.
The woman turns around to reveal that she is a transvestite.
Jack is oblivious.
JACK
Wow, you're like a really big Catholic schoolgirl. So, what's your name?
TONYA
Tonya. I like your skirt.
JACK
Thank you, but it is actually a kilt. Kind of like a skirt, but made for a man. I guess I can say that I am a man who's not afraid to be in touch with his feminine side.
TONYA
Me too.
Tonya winks at Jack. He blushes and produces a smile from ear to ear.
Tim strolls up to them.
TIM
Alright, it's a go. Follow me.
JACK
Tim, meet Tonya.
Tim notices her and practically GASPS in horror.
TIM
Eeeerrrgh, nice to meet you...Tonya.
He gives his brother a puzzled look. Jack returns the look with an excited smile.
TIM
We have to go. Now!
Jack waves to Tonya as Tim drags him away.
CUT TO:
INT: CLUB MAXIM.
Colored lights bathe the hundreds of people as they sway and dance to the music in the middle of the club. Pub tables and bar-stools separate the bar from the dance floor.
Nineteen-year-old JOEY BOON sits at one of the pub tables by himself. He guards four purses. Jack and Tim push by behind him.
TIM
How in the hell are we going to find her in here?
JACK
I don't… Their she is!
Jack points. Britney dances in ways that are provocative in order to tease and taunt the six men dancing around her. She periodically makes-out with every other guy.
TIM
Wow, that was quick.
JACK
Sure was. So what do we do now? Do I just go ask her?
TIM
I don't see why not. Maybe you'll also get a nice sloppy kiss and some puss filled zits around your mouth first thing tomorrow morning.
Jack shrugs and muscles his way onto the dance floor. He slowly works his way into the huddle of men around Britney. Just as soon as he starts dancing with her, the song changes and she staggers
The Good, the Plaid, and the Ugly Page 6
