Part time beauty queen, full time BITCH!
BACK TO SCENE
JACK
Trust me. These are them. Let's get these other ones back on the table.
TIM
Once again, my little brother decides to do something somewhat honest. The old you probably would have just thrown all those keys away.
JACK
It's still the old me you're talking with, dude. I have until tomorrow, remember?
Jack smiles as he repeatedly dips all the purses into the toilet like a handful of tea bags into an oversized porcelain coffee cup.
CUT TO:
INT: CLUB MAXIM.
Joey sits at the table daydreaming. Tim walks by and bumps into him. Once again, Joey's glasses pop off his head and slide onto the floor.
TIM
Sorry.
Jack drops the purses back onto the table and leaves the club with Tim. Joey claws at the ground trying to find his glasses. Someone helps him up and puts the glasses on his face for him.
Joey focuses his eyes to see Tonya.
Joey blushes as she winks at him.
JOEY
My Angel.
CUT TO:
EXT: STREET.
Tim and Jack push through the crowd once again.
TIM
That was beautiful, Jack. Sometimes I don't understand why you don't use that scheming, manipulative brain of yours to do something productive and meaningful.
JACK
You should talk. I feel like I have been hanging out with the old Tim all day. Mr. Last Minute, quick thinking, by the seam of his pants, Tim.
Tim stops for a moment and smiles to himself.
JACK
To the parking lot. Let's get the chest.
They make their way through the herds and swarms of partying people.
CUT TO:
EXT: YBOR CITY. STREET.
Frank leans against a streetlight smoking a cigarette. He has a giant, red bump on his head. Cindy and Vanessa stagger out of the nightclub behind him with Bobby. Bobby drinks a bottle of beer and offers some to Frank.
BOBBY
Hey Frank, want a swig?
Frank rubs the bump on his head as they all laugh.
Frank takes a drag from his cigarette and looks out at all the people. He notices Jack in the crowd.
He plucks the cigarette out of his mouth and flicks it. He grabs Bobby and points.
FRANK
Ain't that the fucker who done us dirty at the beach?
Bobby's face lights up.
BOBBY
Holy fuckin' hell. Let's get him!
Bobby barges into the crowd after Jack. Frank turns around to the girls.
FRANK
Let's go, girls. Bobby has a fish to fry!
The girls nod in a drunken stupor and follow Frank into the crowd.
CUT TO:
INT: MEADOW'S HOUSE.
Reverend Wendall Meadows sits on the couch with his wife, SUSAN. They hold each other.
Ashley comes in the front door. Her arms are full of stuff, including her purse, bookbag, and the check from Jack.
ASHLEY
Oh, I am so glad to be home. Is Britney home yet because…
She sets most of her stuff on the table to notice her parents in a distressed mood.
ASHLEY
Hey, what's the matter?
WENDALL
Ashley, your step-mother and I would like some answers.
ASHLEY
About what?
WENDALL
About a certain DOCTOR Hoffleday and the arrangement you have with him.
ASHLEY
Wow, you already know? Isn't it exciting! Britney must have told you the great news then. I thought that maybe she would be too upset to want to talk about it.
WENDALL
Exciting? Do you think that this is some kind of game?
ASHLEY
No. It was more of a contest.
WENDALL
A contest?
ASHLEY
Yeah. I wanted that trip to Paris so bad I was willing to do almost anything to get it and I did! I sold all my…
WENDALL
That's enough! No more of this!
ASHLEY
Enough of what? I don't understand what's wrong?
WENDALL
WHAT'S WRONG? Selling your soul and lying to us about it for so long! That's what you did wrong, young lady.
ASHLEY
What? I don't understand? All I did was sell this Doctor a bunch of…
WENDALL
Enough! I am disgusted with you! How can you live with yourself? What you have been doing is a crime in the eyes of me and the entire church and the Lord! Those eggs your body produces are for you and your future husband. How dare you sell life and let those evil doctors and scientists harvest your eggs! It is…
ASHLEY
What? Where did you hear this?
WENDALL
You come clean, young lady. don't think you can hide and lie anymore. The Doctor has already told me everything
ASHLEY
The Doctor? (pause) The Doctor!
Ashley looks at the check in her hand and reads it more carefully.
INSERT: CHECK
DOCTOR Tim Hoffleday
BACK TO SCENE
WENDALL
What is that? Is that a check from him?
He snatches the check out of her hand. As he reads it, he boils over with rage.
WENDALL
Fifteen hundred and sixty dollars. Is that what your soul is worth?
His eyes bug out of his head as he reads some more writing on the check.
WENDALL
THANKS FOR THE EGGS!
His face turns beat red as he tears the check into confetti and throws it up in the air.
CUT TO:
EXT: STREET.
Confetti falls down from the balconies above onto Jack, Tim and the crowd around them. A beer bottle whizzes past Jack's head. It hits a light post and shatters. People SCREAM, duck, and run.
Jack turns to see Frank, Bobby and the girls hot on his tail.
JACK
Oh shit! Tim, Tim!
TIM
That is one of the reasons why I hate Ybor. It is full of lunatics throwing bottles.
JACK
I have an emergency, Tim.
TIM
Relax, the "Doctor" is here! What did she mean by that anyways?
JACK
Remember how I told you about those guys I pissed off at the beach?
TIM
Be a little more specific. You manage to piss off everyone, without exception.
Another bottle hurdles by Jack's head.
TIM
I think that guy was aiming right for you, Jack!
JACK
Well, he probably has good reason too. It is going to be a good idea for us to split up. You get the chest and I will meet you by the car after I shake these guys.
TIM
You know what, I don’t want to know. Just be at the car. Go!
They split up. Tim stops after about twenty feet to yell at his brother.
TIM
What kind of car am I looking for?
Jack looks at Tim and gives him two thumbs up. Tim shakes his head and keeps moving.
Bobby and his gang continue to pursue Jack. Jack squeezes into a club without a line of people waiting to get in. It is called, The Afterglow. A poster outside the club advertises the evening entertainment.
INSERT: POSTER
Lesbian Coleslaw Wrestling, Tonight! No cover charge.
CUT TO:
INT: THE AFTERGLOW.
A hundred people stand around an inflated swimming pool full of coleslaw. Two pretty females in bikinis stand in the middle of the pool with the referee and disc jockey, DJ ASSMASTER.
DJ AssMaster gets the crowd hyped up for the event.
DJ
That's right, people! Who is ready to tangle with these two hot bit
ches?
Everyone laughs and cheers.
DJ
This is DJ AssMaster coming at you all tonight at Ybor's hottest nightclub, The Afterglow! We are looking for a special gentleman this evening who can handle this extreme level of excitement. A gentleman who probably will never have the chance to get wet and sloppy with two beautiful women at once in his entire sorry ass life!
People laugh and clap some more.
Jack enters the club and pushes through the crowd. He pays attention only to who might be following him.
DJ
I need a volunteer! Who out their has the balls to walk out of here empty handed with an ass full of coleslaw OR, win a free bar tab for the remainder of the evening for him and his friends! Not that anyone will want to hang with his stank ass anyways 'cause he will be reeking like spoiled coleslaw! Now that I have made it clear, do I have a volunteer?
Bobby and his gang barge into the club. Jack sees them and shoves himself further into the crowd to escape. He steps on some big guy's foot. The guy curses at Jack and shoves him. Jack topples over the edge of the pool and into the coleslaw.
Everyone cheers and applauds.
DJ
Yeah, baby! We got our first victim. Let's get it on!
The two girls approach Jack.
DJ
Wait, wait, wait! I forgot to tell you all that this first match is only a warm-up. And our bikini-clad lesbians are far too hot for a warm-up. So, to help our first victim warm-up, let's bring in the warm-up lesbians!
The people in the crowd separate as a spotlight pans over them. The light stops at the edge of the crowd down onto two, giant, manly lesbians in cut-off denim shorts and flannels.
They stride towards the pool and climb in. Jack staggers to his feet only to be picked up by one of the women and bodyslammed.
QUICKLY CUT TO:
INT: CRAZY HARRY'S SPORTSCLUB.
ROWDY RODDIE PIPER bodyslams an unknown wrestler onto the wrestling mat. While wearing his infamous signature kilt, he steps on the other wrestler's chest and flexes. The crowd cheers and applauds for him.
The Bob-brothers are in the front row going crazy for Piper. A kid beside them holds a home-made poster.
INSERT: POSTER
"He's tough so you don't have to be!"
BACK TO SCENE
JOE-BOB
Get him, Piper!
JIM-BOB
I wish Jack could be here.
A VENDOR walks down the aisle with a tray full of snacks.
VENDOR
Popcorn! Peanuts!
QUICKLY CUT TO:
INT: THE AFTERGLOW.
FRANK
Coleslaw!
Frank, Bobby and the girls watch the coleslaw wrestling. They are unaware that it is Jack getting beat up by the lesbians.
FRANK
Who'd want to wrestle in coleslaw?
BOBBY
Nevermind that. Let's find that ass-clown!
They inch their way through the crowd looking for Jack. Frank
still stares at the wrestling.
FRANK
Hey, I think that's him! That clever sonofa‑
QUICKLY CUT TO:
EXT: INTERSTATE 275.
BEEEEEEEEP! Ashley slams on the horn of the rusty old Pinto. She leans out the window.
ASHLEY
Get out of my way! I have a Doctor to kill!
She madly weaves in and out of traffic. She passes a sign.
INSERT: SIGN
Next Right: Ybor City, Historic District:
BACK TO SCENE
Traffic is at a dead stop as she speeds down the off-ramp. Her cellular phone RINGS. She digs it out of her purse.
ASHLEY
I told you I didn't do it, Susan!
SUSAN
(V.O.)
Ashley, honey, please come home. Your father overreacted and he is sorry. You don't need to go storming off like this.
ASHLEY
You don't understand! We've both been tricked and lied to by this "Doctor".
SUSAN
Even if we have been lied to, where could you be running off to at this moment that could right this situation? You should be at home with your family. I will call Britney and we will spend the rest of the night together as a family, OK?
ASHLEY
You're not my family and neither is Britney. Things were fine until you two came into our lives!
SUSAN
Ashley, now you're being impulsive and overreacting.
Ashley closes the phone and throws it at the floor. Traffic is still at a stop. She drives onto the
The Good, the Plaid, and the Ugly Page 8
