going to be Tim, but he just suddenly straightened up at the end of high school and you went streaming downhill like a leaky bucket of piss. Alright, that's enough. I never liked pep-talks. Just make me and your Grandfather proud! Now, give me a hug.
She embraces him and steps down. Tim hugs May as he approaches and steps up to Jack. Tim picks from a plate of food in his hand as he speaks.
TIM
Congratulations, Jack! So how does it feel to be the winner of the bicentennial Hoffleday heirloom lottery?
Jack still stands in shock.
JACK
Leaky bucket of piss? What?
TIM
Yeah, the whole thing strikes me as ironic, too. Want to hear another strange tale of reality? You owe Rowdy Roddie Piper 60 bucks. See, I convinced him to muscle the chest out of the girls' hands, but I also decided to go for the admirable thing and reimburse them the amount of money they originally gave you for the chest. I didn't have the money on me, so Piper spotted me. Those girls really tried hard to tell me I owed them fifteen hundred bucks, but I didn't bother arguing since I had Piper on my side.
Tim smiles endlessly as he pats Jack on the back.
TIM
Jack, you're looking a little tired. Have a couple spoonful's of this…
He lifts a heaping spoonful of coleslaw to Jack's mouth. Jack GAGS.
TIM
Come on now, DOCTOR'S orders!
Tim laughs. Delores tiptoes over.
DELORES
My baby boy, Jack. This is such a great opportunity for you. I am so proud of you for accepting the responsibility of the heirloom.
JACK
Thanks, Mom. I just want to tell you that I have been doing some deep meditating the last few days and I have come up with an awesome…
TIM
Jack, please don't kill the moment and tell us another name for you're band!
JACK
I have come up with a plan for my future. I think I am… going to go back to school.
Delores SHRIEKS.
DELORES
That is so wonderful!
She hugs him.
DELORES
You know what, Tim, I forgot to ask you how your Kutter account went yesterday morning? I haven't heard from you since Friday and the suspense is killing me! I know how important it was to you and I didn't want to bother you while you were developing the whole campaign. So, tell me! Did you knock'em dead?
TIM
No, not quite.
Tim puts his arm around Jack.
TIM
I made them tap out!
CUT TO:
BEGIN COMMERCIAL MONTAGE: KUTTER BRAND MOSQUITO REPELLANT
EXT: MOUNTAINS. DAY.
A HUSBAND and WIFE hike along a trail as pine trees tower above them. Mosquitos BUZZ through the air dive-bombing the couple.
Suddenly, a man in a giant mosquito costume scurries up to the woman and sticks his long purple proboscis into her neck. She wildly swats at him.
HUSBAND
All these darn mosquitos are making this hike so miserable!
WIFE
I am getting tired of swatting at them!
CUT TO:
EXT: SOCCER FIELD. DAY.
A referee blows a whistle. All the children retreat to their
parents on the sidelines. The referee swats at a mosquito as it BUZZES by his head.
Suddenly, a man in a mosquito costume sneaks up behind the referee and jams his proboscis into the ref's neck. A few more winged mosquito mascots chase after some of the children and repeatedly poke them with their blood sucking beaks.
One LITTLE BOY cries to his mom as he vigorously scratches his neck.
LITTLE BOY
Mommy, they won't leave me alone. And I feel all itchy.
CUT TO:
EXT: GOLF COURSE. DAY.
Two senior men are dressed in mismatched golf attire. They swat at BUZZING mosquitos.
As one of the men practices his swing, a man in a mosquito costume climbs out of a nearby sand trap and plugs his proboscis into the swinging man's neck.
GOLFER #1
I can't concentrate on my swing with these pesky mosquitos chewing on me.
The second golfer reaches into his bag and retrieves a clear pump bottle of KUTTER brand mosquito repellant.
GOLFER #2
Here, try a few sprays of this. My wife picked it up for me. It is guaranteed to repel mosquitos.
The first man sprays a few mists on his clothing and arms.
Suddenly, Rowdy Roddie Piper dashes from out of nowhere to clothes-line the man in the mosquito costume.
Piper wears his signature plaid kilt and a white t-shirt. In the middle of the t-shirt, in bright orange and blue, it reads, KUTTER.
The costumed man crawls away in pain.
CUT TO:
EXT: SOCCER FIELD.
The little boy still scratches his bug bites as the costumed mosquito man is plugged onto the boy's neck. Another mom approaches the itchy boy and his mother. She hands them a container full of KUTTER brand mosquito repellant wipes.
MOM #2
Hey, Nancy. I see the mosquitos are biting. Try one of these mosquito wipes by Kutter. It is safe for the whole family and repels up to six hours!
The mother tugs a wipe from the container and dabs her son's face and arms.
Once again, Rowdy Roddie Piper dashes from out of nowhere. He scoops up the man in the costume and bodyslams him hard.
CUT TO:
EXT: MOUNTAINS. DAY
The husband and wife still have the man-sized mosquitos attached and sucking blood. Another hiker approaches the couple and offers them an aerosol can of KUTTER.
HIKER
Hey folks, might I recommend a small spray of this mosquito repellant by Kutter. It is guaranteed to repel mosquitos that transmit deadly West Nile Virus for up to eight hours and is perfect for outdoor enthusiasts like yourselves.
The couple gladly accepts the can and applies it to their legs and torso.
By surprise, Rowdy Roddie Piper drops down from a tree to drive his elbow into the skull of the first mosquito costumed man. Piper retrieves a steel folding chair from behind a shrub and smashes it over the head of the other mosquito man.
Piper poses and points to the camera as he steps on the chest of one of his costumed victims.
PIPER
All it takes is a couple of mosquitoes to ruin a beautiful day outside. So instead of wasting another ounce of your strength swatting and scratching, apply some easy-to-use mosquito repellant by Kutter. Remember, Kutter is tough, so you don't have to be!
One of the mosquitoes attempts to crawl away only to receive another vicious chair-shot from Piper.
END COMMERCIAL MONTAGE
FADE OUT:
About the jerk who wrote this screenplay:
Justin Langer was born in 1980 and for the most part, was raised on comic books and science fiction while growing up in Las Vegas. He moved to sunny Florida for college just after graduating high school. He has had a variety of professions and considers his material to be influenced mostly by experiences relative to living in the state known for its unforgiving humidity and retired population. Most, if not all, of his writings will be in a screenplay format because he doesn't really consider himself a descriptive or detailed storyteller. He just wants to get the words on the page before he forgets them.
Thank you for reading this work and supporting an independent, creative thinker. Please feel free to send Justin an email with any thoughts or comments about his work at [email protected]. See below for additional works available by Justin Langer.
If you enjoyed this work, the biggest compliment you can give the author is to write a positive review or suggest this work to someone else!
Check out these other works by Justin Langer.
Have Some Guts
Kenny's job sucks, his car is a piece of crap, and his girlfriend is about to break up with him. However, the two henchmen chasing him don't care;
they just want back the briefcase worth untold riches he just found. For 48 hours, the beach town of Seaside will be turned inside out as the chase for the briefcase plays out. From dirty hippies to an 8-ton sperm whale, everyone wants in on the action!
The Good, the Plaid, and the Ugly Page 11
