by Merv Lambert
Title Page
EMU-MAIL
By
Merv Lambert
Publisher Information
Emu-mail published in 2010 by
Andrews UK Limited
www.andrewsuk.com
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior written consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published, and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
The characters and situations in this book are entirely imaginary and bear no relation to any real person or actual happening.
Copyright © Merv Lambert
The right of Merv Lambert to be identified as author of this book has been asserted in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyrights Designs and Patents Act 1988.
1
Emu-mail
Billy realised he was in trouble. It was all because of his birthday present from Auntie Flo. He really liked her, but she was often in such a hurry and what his twin-sister Jilly called ‘over the top’. His father said Flo was a bit of an actress, always calling everybody ‘Darling’. Billy thought she meant well but did ‘gush’ a bit. She was so enthusiastic about things, was always the centre of attention and hardly ever stopped talking. His dad said never mind a word, when Flo was talking you couldn’t even get a letter in edgeways. She had appeared that afternoon, had hugged all the family, had wished Billy ‘Happy Birthday’ and told him, “Your birthday present is on your computer, darling.” Then she had waved goodbye and dashed off again.
“Go with the Flo,” sighed Mr. Burton, Billy’s dad.
“Don’t you dare talk about my sister like that!” snapped Millie his wife.
“Well, with her everything’s done at top speed. It’s exhausting just being in the same room as her. You must admit she’s weird. Two hundred years ago people would have thought she was a witch.”
Suddenly Billy jumped up. “I’ll just go and find Auntie Flo’s present,” he said and ran quickly up the stairs to his bedroom. He looked at the computer, hoping to see a parcel wrapped in bright paper lying on the keyboard or on top of the monitor.
“Oh!” He was disappointed. There was nothing there.
Just then Jilly tapped on the door and poked her head round it. “What have you got?”
“Nothing. Auntie said it would be on the computer.”
“Well, turn it on.”
“What?”
“Turn on the computer.”
“Oh, I hadn’t thought of that,” said Billy.
Quickly Billy turned on his computer, brought up his user name and clicked on it. The screensaver usually showed a bear asleep in a hammock. Now it showed a long thin neck with a bird’s face on top of it. It had a tough beak and fierce eyes.
“It’s an emu,” said Jilly. “And look. It says, ‘Click here’.”
Without thinking Billy clicked the arrow on the words.
“Ooh!” shrieked Jilly.
“Aaargh!” shrieked Billy.
Suddenly the emu was no longer a picture on the screen. It was standing beside them in the room. It was staring at them expectantly.
“What do we do now?” asked Billy.
“Ask it a question,” said Jilly.
“O.K.” Billy turned towards the emu. “Are you Auntie Flo’s present? ..Er, are you my birthday present from Auntie Flo?”
The emu ducked its head once, as if nodding.
“What is your name?” asked Jilly.
The emu gently moved its head from side to side as if shaking it.
Jilly understood. “Oh, you don’t have a name,” she murmured.
“Well, we ought to call it something,” replied Billy, gazing entranced at the tall creature standing there in his bedroom.
“How about Emu?” suggested Jilly.
“No. It’s too obvious. I know. We’ll just call it M.” Once again turning towards the big bird, Billy said, “Is that O.K. with you?” Once again the emu seemed to nod its head.
“Are you hungry?” asked Billy. “What do you eat?”
Immediately the emu pecked enthusiatically at the curtains, tearing off a large chunk, chewed it once and swallowed it.
“Hey! Don’t do that!” shouted Billy alarmed. “You’ll get me into trouble!”
The emu came and rested its head on Billy’s shoulder.
“I think it’s saying it’s sorry,” said Jilly.
“But what am I going to tell Mum about the curtain? She won’t believe me if I say that an emu ate it!”
“Just tell her you tripped, grabbed the curtain and accidentally tore it. She’ll probably just laugh.”
“But it’s not true.”
“Yeah, but the truth, the emu, really would sound like a porky pie.”
“O.K.” said Billy. The emu was nodding wisely.
“How do you get back in the computer?” Billy asked.
The emu walked up to the monitor and pointed with its beak. There on the screen was a page of instructions - Emu Rules - including ‘There is no need to feed this bird, as this could make it misbehave,’ and at the bottom of the list ‘To return emu place beak here.’
The big bird looked at the children and then touched the screen with its beak. Suddenly it was no longer in the room. It was back on the screen next to the Emu Rules.
“We’d better print those rules,” said Jilly. Soon they had two copies, one for each of them. They agreed that for now M was to be their secret.
Billy looked at the curtain, hoping that he’d been dreaming, but there was still a chunk missing from it. The next morning, however, he was feeling very relieved. His mother had not minded when he told her the fib about the curtain. “It’s not often you break anything. I’m sure you didn’t do it on purpose,” she said. Billy was hoping she wouldn’t ask where the missing scrap of cloth was. She didn’t, but added,” They’re so old I was thinking of changing them anyway.”
After breakfast Billy dashed upstairs to his room. There was just time to say hello to his new friend the emu. He had the computer up and running, when he realised that M was not there on the screen. The bird was standing behind him, resting its beak on the top of his head.
“Yuk, M. You gave me a fright! How did you escape from the computer?” M wasn’t going to tell him. Billy checked to make sure no more chunks had been bitten out of the curtains.
“Well, I’m off now. I’ve got to go to school. You must get back in the computer.”
The emu looked steadily at him and then stepped out onto the landing. Oh no! It was going to follow him to school! It was too strong and too quick for him to shut it in the house. What would happen if his mother met it? He couldn’t leave it inside. Billy foresaw trouble ahead, especially from Mr. Blackshore, his rather fierce maths teacher.
Billy dashed downstairs, grabbed his school bag, and shouted “’Bye, Mum!” As the boy opened the front door, the emu slipped outside, ran down the front garden path and waited for him on the street. There were a lot of people walking to work and school along the main road, but no one seemed to notice a rather large bird strolling along with Billy. No cars crashed into each other because the drivers were startled by seeing M. It did not take long for Billy to realise that perhaps only he and Jilly could actually see the emu.
He had just passed through the main school gate, when a large hand grabbed him by the arm and he was dragged against a wall.
“Hello, plankton”, sneered the chief school bully, whose name was Maggs. “Don’t you owe me somethin
g?”
“No, I don’t!” protested Billy, squirming helplessly in the bigger boy’s grasp.
Suddenly Maggs let go of him. Maggs had seen nothing, but now he had been rushed off his feet and was himself pinned helplessly against the wall by the unseen emu.
Billy smiled and said,”Thanks, M.,” and then, ”No I don’t owe you anything, Maggie.”
“My name’s not Maggie!” roared Maggs. “That’s a girl’s name!”
“And it suits you,” laughed Billy. “If you ever try to hurt me or my friends again or anyone at all, you know what will happen to you.”
“No, I don’t!” shouted Maggs, who really was rather stupid.
“O.K., M. Show him again.”
Maggs was whisked off his feet. Surprised, he said, What?” and then,” Oh!” and then Yaaaargh!” and he found himself running straight at the opposite wall, propelled by M of course, although he did not know this. Then he yelled, ”Ow!” and collapsed on the ground. To the other children in the schoolyard it looked as if Maggs had deliberately run face first into the wall. As he lay there groaning, no one came to help him. Some didn’t dare to. Most didn’t care. Maggs had deserved it.
Nobody saw an emu walking behind Billy into the main school building. Nobody saw it standing next to him, when the form teacher Miss Worthy, called out the names for registration. Nobody saw it in assembly standing at the back of the hall. Also M was so nimble and quick that he never collided with anyone or got shut in as someone closed a door.
The morning’s lessons went very well, although Billy was excited at having such a strange new friend. It was hard for him to concentrate, for he couldn’t help laughing to himself, as he remembered Maggs and the wall. All his friends were excited too and during break in the school yard they could talk of nothing else. Maggs had disappeared. Everyone thought that he had probably sneaked off back home.
The last lesson of the morning was maths. The class knew they would all have to work hard. Mr. Blackshore stood no nonsense. He was a man of average size and looks with dark hair and piercing blue eyes. He was relaxed and confident. He was a very good teacher. Billy and the rest of the class stood to attention in complete silence, as Mr. Blackshore came in.
“Good morning, class. You may sit down.” They all did so in silence, and soon the girls and boys were working hard, writing the answers to the exercises Mr. Blackshore had set, but then Billy had another surprise. While he was writing his first answer – Peck! – a beak tapped his exercise book, leaving a small dent on the number he had just written. Why? What was wrong? 73 – surely that was right? He looked at the sum again. Oh! He should have put 75. From then on every time Billy made a mistake a fresh dent appeared on his book.
“You’ll have to stop doing that,” he whispered to M.
“What was that, Billy?” asked Mr. Blackshore. “Got a problem? Bring your book here.”
“Oh no!” thought Billy. Reluctantly he stood up and took his book to Mr. Blackshore’s desk.
“What’s this?” snapped Mr. Blackshore. “Has your pet alligator been at this book? Look at the dents in it!”
“Er, no, sir. It wasn’t an alligator,” stammered Billy.
“Well, what was it? A dog, a cat, a goldfish?”
“No, no, sir. It was an emu,” blurted Billy, unable to stop himself.
“An emu? I don’t believe you. I could believe it was a dog that did this, but not an emu!”
“No, no, sir,” babbled Billy, who realising his mistake, was now even more nervous. “It’s called M short for Emu.”
Mr. Blackshore seemed confused. “Why call a dog Emu?” he said.
Suddenly Billy was inspired. “Well, it’s a family joke really, sir. My Dad is from Liverpool and he said that he (our dog) moves in mysterious ways. ‘E moves this, ‘e moves that. It sounds more like ‘E muves, when my Dad says it. I think he means the dog steals things to eat, like sausages and is very good at it.”
For once Mr. Blackshore was almost lost for words. “Go back to your seat,” was all he said.
“Phew!” thought Billy. “That was a lucky escape.”
However, that was not the end of the morning’s drama. Miss Hughes, the senior teacher, suddenly appeared at the classroom door. After a few quick words with Mr. Blackshore she said, “Come along, Billy, the headmaster wishes to see you.”
“Oh no!” thought Billy. “What have I done now?”
He followed Miss Hughes to the headmaster’s room, feeling more and more worried, although he did not know why. Miss Hughes knocked on the door.
“Come in,” called the headmaster’s voice. They entered.
Mr. Wright, the headmaster, was standing in front of his large desk and so was Maggs.
“Ah, Billy,” said Mr. Wright, “this is Mrs. Maggs.” A large unpleasant looking woman was sitting in an armchair near the window. She did not say anything. She just glared at Billy. Nobody had seen M standing at the back of the room. Billy was too worried to have noticed him.
“Now, Billy,” said Mr. Wright, “Alistair here,” and he waved his hand slightly towards Maggs… Billy nearly burst out laughing. Alistair, eh? Ho! Ho! Maggs was always known as just Maggs. Mr. Wright continued speaking…,”has made a serious accusation against you. He says that this morning you threw him against a wall, causing him to hurt his face. He is very upset and so is his mother.” Mrs. Maggs continued to glare wordlessly at Billy.
Billy knew exactly what to say though and did so.
“What me? Look at the size of…er…Alistair.” He drew out the name slowly, enjoying it. “And look at me. He’s twice as big as me. Everyone knows he’s the school bully, but they are too afraid to say so.”
Mrs. Maggs jumped to her feet. “Rubbish!” she roared. It was the only word Billy had heard her say until now. Then she added a few more. “He’s lying. My boy’s quite sensitive. Look at his little face.” Maggs’ face, equally as unpleasant as his mother’s, now looked cut and bruised and he had two black eyes. The angry woman pointed at her boy’s face and shouted, “That’s the proof!”
“Well maybe, maybe not,” said Mr. Wright. “What else have you got to say in your defence, Billy?”
“I’m not lying” said Billy hotly. “Ask any of the other kids. They saw him run at the wall. Perhaps he was trying to show us how tough he is.”
“Oh no I wasn’t!” Maggs suddenly shouted. “I don’t do things like that.”
Then, just as suddenly he seemed to run towards the headmaster’s desk and smashed his face twice on the surface, scattering papers everywhere.
Only Billy had seen M grab Maggs and slam him into the desk. The big boy sank to the floor, leaning back on the side of the desk.
“Aaaaargh!” wailed Maggs.
“Aieeee!” screamed Mrs. Maggs in shock.
“Well,” said Mr. Wright, “this is most unusual. It looks as if Billy is telling the truth. Say sorry to him, Alistair.”
“What? No, I won’t.” Maggs began to sob. “I don’t understand what’s happening. I’m scared!”
“Oh, very well,” replied Mr. Wright. “You are obviously very upset. We need to deal with this, Mrs. Maggs. Alistair is certainly very disturbed.” Then turning to Billy he said, “You may go back to your class now. Don’t worry. I’ll speak to you later.”
It was not long before a rumour went round the school that Maggs was leaving. All the children were delighted. He was seen limping out of the school gates with his mother angrily gripping his arm. In fact it was the last they saw of him.
However, that was not the last of the surprises for Billy that day. In the football match during the games lesson M lifted Billy up in the air just high enough for him to head a goal. He had never scored with a header before, but although he was secretly pleased, he whispered to M, “Don’t do that again. It’s cheating really.” The emu just winked one large ey
e. He had enjoyed his day too.
When Jilly and Billy arrived home, they found that Auntie Flo had come to stay for tea. Mr. Burton was dozing in an armchair.
Billy said, “Hello, Auntie Flo. Thank you for my birthday present. I like it very much. It’s great!”
“Yeah, wicked!” echoed Jilly.
The emu had lowered its neck so that Auntie Flo could scratch the top of its head. It seemed to like that. Auntie Flo gave the children a big wink, just like the emu. She thought for a moment and then said, “He’s a good boy usually, but he can get quite silly, if he sees a young lady he particularly takes a fancy to, but that’s another story.” And so it was.
2
M Behaving Badly
Two weeks had passed since Auntie Flo’s visit and Billy was finding that M seemed to be enjoying going to school with him, and the emu was learning a lot. He especially liked art. He even knew how to paint, holding a brush in his beak. Of course only Billy and his sister knew who had painted these masterpieces and he had put them on the walls of his bedroom. M would stand looking at them, as if he was proudly admiring them.
One Tuesday morning, as M followed him into the school building, Billy was surprised to find that the emu had darted down the corridor and gone into Jilly’s classroom with her. He did not find out anything about his emu friend at breaktime. The children had to stay inside, because it was raining hard. M did not appear. Billy went into his next lesson rather puzzled. He had not seen Jilly either. Was M getting bored? Was he enjoying Jilly’s lessons? At lunchtime it was still raining hard, and Jilly did not appear then either. Everything must be O.K. Otherwise Jilly would have come to tell Billy, wouldn’t she?
The afternoon’s lessons seemed to pass slowly for Billy. What was M doing? Billy had got so used to the emu standing next to him in class that he now felt uneasy and did not concentrate very well. Somehow he got through the afternoon.
