by Adams, Lucy
Lord Whitehaven opened his eyes again suddenly and looked at her, his face a mask of pain. Dinah did not react, not smiling nor frowning at him, but rather merely holding his gaze to try and let him know that she was present with him and not about to turn her back on him or rain down judgement upon him. He gave a small, jerky nod and then closed his eyes again, making Dinah believe that, somehow, in that silence, there had come an understanding there. An understanding that she would not reject him now, just as she prayed he would not reject her also.
Chapter Eight
“My dear, you have a letter.”
Dinah jerked violently, embarrassed as she realized she had been dozing at the dining table, resting with her elbow on the table in a most unladylike fashion. Luncheon had been a quiet affair, and Dinah had thought that Lady Whitehaven had already departed the house, otherwise she would not have allowed herself to act with such impropriety.
“Are you quite all right, Dinah?” Lady Whitehaven asked, looking at Dinah in concern. “You have appeared rather tired these last three days, which is why I have not pressed you to go to the balls we had already agreed to.” She tipped her head slightly as though this would help her see Dinah better. “And Titania seems just as tired as you.”
Dinah tried to smile, finding that the first thing coming to her mouth was a lie. “Titania and I have been doing a great deal of talking lately,” she said, aware that this was not the truth in all its entirety. “We have stayed up rather late, I confess.”
Lady Whitehaven, however, looked quite delighted at this, with evidently no suspicion that Dinah was not telling her the whole truth. “Well, that is wonderful!” she exclaimed. “Since I know that you and Titania have not often seen eye to eye.”
“Indeed,” Dinah replied honestly. “I will be honest with you, Aunt. I have come to see that I have been often very critical of my cousins—and that such an attitude has been wrong.” She accepted the letter from her aunt with a smile, aware that the twinge of guilt she felt over not telling her aunt everything as regarded Lord Whitehaven would have to be dealt with later. “Thank you.”
Lady Whitehaven made to make for the door, only to stop and turn back around to face Dinah.
“I must say, Dinah, that I do not hold it against you to be so critical of your cousins. After all, you have endured a great deal and given that your mother was very devoted in her faith, I well understand that you wanted to emulate her.”
“But in doing so, I have become hard and crass,” Dinah responded, feeling the pain of such an acknowledgement but also a refreshing sense of peace filling her. “It was Whitehaven, in fact, who showed that to me. My mother was kind and compassionate – as was my father – and her devotion did not harden her in the way I have chosen to harden myself. It was my choice to be judgmental and condescending instead of accepting that how someone chooses to conduct themselves is entirely for their own deliberations.”
“Unless, of course, it is ruinous or hurtful to others,” Lady Whitehaven interrupted, making Dinah nod.
“My cousins did not act in the way that I thought they ought to, even though they did not hurt anyone by their actions nor ruin themselves entirely, as you have said,” Dinah finished. “Therefore, I was in the wrong. I hope to change my behavior now so that it is an improvement for both myself and those about me.”
Lady Whitehaven clasped her hands together, came around to Dinah’s chair, and reached down to hug her. Dinah, surprised by such a display of affection, hugged her aunt back and was surprised to see the tears gleaming in Lady Whitehaven’s eyes as she let Dinah go.
“I have only ever wanted you to be happy, Dinah,” Lady Whitehaven said, her voice a little hoarse with emotion. “I have seen how you have tormented yourself over the way your cousins have chosen to behave, and I have known that such an attitude could not bring you any such happiness. Now, mayhap, you will begin to enjoy your life instead of bringing such sorrow and struggle to your own heart. And what is more, I am glad that Grayson has been so willing to speak to you.” She let out a contented sigh and turned around to make her way to the door again. “It may be that, finally, he is also changing from a rather selfish and arrogant sort of gentleman to one who is considerate and kindhearted.” Pulling open the door, she gave Dinah a long smile. “Although I shall only see evidence of such a change once he has recovered from this illness of his, I suppose,” she finished, before walking out of the dining room and leaving Dinah to herself.
Dinah let out a long breath, wincing inwardly with the knowledge that she had deliberately hidden the truth from Lady Whitehaven as regarded her son. In fact, more than that, she had lied to Lady Whitehaven outrightly, telling her that Lord Whitehaven had taken ill and wanted to stay in his rooms in darkness until he was recovered. Lady Whitehaven had been instantly worried about him and had sent for a doctor, who was taken into Lord Whitehaven’s confidences as regarded keeping the truth of his condition from his mother. The doctor had obeyed, of course, and had reassured Lady Whitehaven that her son required only rest and quiet until he recovered, which should be within the week.
That had been three days ago. Since then, either Titania or Dinah or both of them had been sitting with him in the late hours of the evening, making certain that Lord Whitehaven was recovering and did not require anything. There had not been much conversation, however, which meant that Dinah did not know the truth about what had occurred to leave Lord Whitehaven in such a state, nor how he felt about her presence with him. Titania had reported that her brother had been utterly silent with her also, which brought Dinah a sense of relief.
Jerked back to the present and the letter that Lady Whitehaven had given her, Dinah looked down at the seal and saw that it was from her father’s solicitors. They had been in touch a good deal when she had first arrived in England, informing her of her dowry and such, but she had not heard from them in some time. There appeared to be no need to do so. Frowning, she saw how the address had been rewritten. Evidently, the solicitors had sent it to the estate, and it had then been forwarded to her here in London. Turning it over, she broke the seal and began to read.
Her heart leapt in her chest as she read it. The letter was brief but to the point. Her father’s house, remaining possessions, and everything else that had belonged to the admiral had been sold, and the money was now finally ready. It was settled into her account and entirely at her disposal.
But it was not this that filled Dinah with such surprise. Rather, it was the sheer amount of money that was revealed in the letter. It was more than she had ever expected, more than she could ever dream of! If she lived on this carefully, then it would do her very well for the rest of her life!
Suddenly, many possibilities opened up to her. Possibilities that she had never even considered. She could buy a small cottage and live there quietly. There would be no need to join with a convent, for she could concentrate on her faith in solitude whilst still be able to greet her family whenever they wished to see her. Lady Whitehaven would have to content herself with the fact that Dinah did not want to marry, which would come about in time, and at the very least, she would be content with the knowledge that Dinah would not be left to struggle through life with very little to support her. With this money, her whole world would change.
But what of Whitehaven?
Dinah sighed and buried her face in her hands, feeling the same sting of sadness catching her. The same sadness that came whenever she thought of never seeing him again. It had only come upon her the last few days. Previously, she had been delighted to be set apart from him, but now things had changed so very much that she was not at all certain what she felt for him at all. She was frustrated, confused, and sad over Lord Whitehaven. He had seemed so changed, only to lose himself in his vices all over again. But the regret in his eyes had told her more than he had ever said to her before.
When he had questioned what she must think of him now, Dinah had heard the shame in his voice and had felt her heart go out to him. The man w
as struggling with his own sense of self-worth, allowing his limp to be seen as a weakness in his own eyes. If he could only allow himself to believe that he was not looked down upon, that if he should only try, then a good few young ladies would wish to dance with him, then mayhap things would change for him entirely.
Her heart ached.
“Miss Shepherd?”
She looked up at once, dropping her hands to her lap and seeing the maid drop into a quick curtsy, clearly embarrassed at having disturbed Dinah at what was obviously a very private moment.
“Yes?” she asked, glad that her voice was not particularly hoarse. “What is it?”
“It is the master,” the maid said quickly. “He’s asked to speak to you, Miss Shepherd.”
Dinah’s stomach tightened. “I see,” she replied, trying to keep her voice as steady as she could. “Might I ask you what he wishes to speak to me about?”
The maid looked nonplussed, and Dinah cursed her foolishness. Of course the maid would not know such a thing, but in her nervousness, Dinah had asked something without thinking.
“Where is he?” she asked, folding up her letter and placing it in her pocket as she rose. “Is he still abed?”
The maid shook her head. “Lady Whitehaven has gone to take tea with a friend and so Lord Whitehaven has made his way to the library,” she said, a slight flush to her cheeks. “Should I bring you a tea tray, Miss Shepherd?”
Dinah nodded her thanks and moved toward the door, not wanting to keep Lord Whitehaven waiting. Her heart was racing, and she was certain that her own cheeks were a bright red, matching those of the maid. She did not know why she kept having such a strong reaction to the thought of being in Lord Whitehaven’s presence, particularly when he wanted to speak to her. Thinking of the letter in her pocket, Dinah wondered whether or not she ought to share her news with anyone in her family. Lady Whitehaven would need to know of it at some point, but her first reaction was to speak to Lord Whitehaven about it. Would he understand her plans to live alone? Or would he be entirely against them?
Having no further time to consider this, Dinah cleared her throat, put a small smile on her face, and stepped into the library. The day was bright and the drapes were pulled back, letting in beautiful sunlight into every corner of the room. Lord Whitehaven was sitting by the fireplace, even though there was no fire burning there today, with his eyes fixed on something Dinah could not quite make out. He did not turn towards her as she approached, although she was certain that he was aware of her presence. Walking into the room, she smiled tentatively as she reached him, watching his gaze and seeing that he was, in fact, staring at a bottle of the finest French brandy and an empty glass.
“I believe you wished to speak to me, Whitehaven,” she said, looking back at him and taking in his bruised face. “Are you all right?” His eye was still purple in places, with a good deal of green and yellow bruising about it. The injury to his head was covered by his dark hair flopping over it, but there was another large bruise to his cheek and a swelling to his jaw. Dinah knew that if he saw Lady Whitehaven any time soon, there would be no hiding that he had been badly beaten.
“I have been doing a great deal of thinking, Dinah,” Lord Whitehaven said, his tone low and his expression dark. “That there is a source of a good many of my problems.”
Dinah did not need to look at the brandy again to know what he meant. “It can be,” she said carefully, making sure not to say too much. “If one is not careful, I suppose.”
Lord Whitehaven looked up at her from his chair, his dark green eyes brooding. “What does the good book say about liquor, Dinah? Am I condemned simply by drinking it?”
She shook her head. “No, indeed not. It is just drunkenness that is warned against, Whitehaven.”
He snorted. “I can well understand why,” he muttered, passing a hand over his eyes. “Do you see the state of me still, Dinah? This is all my own doing because I drink too much and forget all sense. I lose my head and do ridiculously foolish things, and now I am in great debt.”
Dinah’s chest tightened as she stared at Lord Whitehaven, finally realizing what it was that had caused him to be so badly beaten.
“You are correct in your assertion,” Lord Whitehaven muttered, even though she had said nothing. “I owe money to a good many gentleman and one person, for some reason, had purchased all of my vowels, and it is to he that I now owe.”
“And you do not have the money?” Dinah asked, sinking down into a chair and watching Lord Whitehaven intently. “Is that what the trouble is?”
Lord Whitehaven let out a long, pained sigh. “This is where you will think all the worse of me, for what must be the twentieth time,” he told her, looking still at bottle of brandy. “Yes, I do have the money, but it is tied up with the solicitors and I must request it from them. It will take some days to retrieve all of it and, in doing so, I must then pull money from what was to be repairs to the tenants’ houses.” He lowered his head all the more, clearly ashamed of his behavior. “It has taken me years to ensure that the estate is profitable again, and I was so glad when the coffers began to improve that I fear I rather lost my head,” he muttered, his voice barely audible as he looked down at his lap rather than at her. “I have gambled every year when you and my sisters and my mother have been in London. I have gone to Bath to do so, and then this year, since there has only been you left, I thought to come to London to seek out the gambling dens here.” A groaned exclamation left his lips as he ran both hands over his face. “And not only that, I did not dare go back to Bath due to the debts I had run up but never paid. And now it seems that this one gentleman, whomever he may be, has found every single one of my debts and has paid for them all.”
Dinah pressed her lips together and laced her fingers. “And he was the one who beat you so violently?”
Lord Whitehaven shrugged, his head still low. “I do not know who is behind it,” he said hopelessly. “Nor do I understand why such a thing is occurring. I went last evening with some of the money I owed, but it was not accepted. That is why the servants knew of what had occurred to me, for the footman who came with me had the money and was thereafter forced to take it back here again.” Lifting his head, he set it back against the chair and regarded her hopelessly. “I wanted to tell you everything, Dinah, so you knew precisely why I have been so injured. And also so that you are fully aware of the depths of depravity in which I lie.” A mirthless smile crossed his face. “Perhaps you might pray for me.”
“Of course,” Dinah whispered, not quite sure what else she was to say. “I-I wish there was more I could do, but–”
“It is not your burden to carry,” he replied heavily. “It is mine. Therefore, Dinah, I need you not to have any concerns over me any longer. There is nothing that you can do nor say that will aid me in any way and, besides which….” He trailed off, perhaps struggling to compose himself. “Besides which, I do not deserve it.”
Dinah shook her head. “Grace and mercy are given freely, are they not?” she answered, coming close to him for fear that he would fall into an even deeper despondency if she did not. Crouching beside him with one hand resting on the arm of the chair in which he sat, she looked up into his face. “Therefore, that is what I offer you.” A sudden idea hit her, wanting to give him something he could cling to that would not have him refuse to allow her in his company any longer. “Have I ever told you, Whitehaven, that I have been lately considering what life must be like for a nun?”
“A nun?” This seemed to shock him greatly for he turned his head towards her, his dark emerald eyes glinting at her.
“I have been considering it, yes,” she told him, not wanting to mention her fortune. “I have thought about devoting my life to the faith and I–”
“But why should you want to go there?” He was sitting up a little straighter now, his hand finding hers as it rested on the chair, and his fingers tightening upon her own. Dinah felt herself react inwardly, her heart clamoring with a wild fury an
d her mouth going dry, but she tried her best not to show it. Instead, she simply nodded and tried to explain.
“I have not wanted to marry, as you well know. I have not found any gentleman eager of my company, and I myself have not found anyone who might fit the role of husband.”
Lord Whitehaven frowned. “Lord Irving is interested in you, is he not? And what precisely is wrong with him?”
Dinah pursed her lips and tried to explain. “Lord Irving exhorts no feelings within me,” she said, looking away and a little embarrassed. “I feel nothing for him. In fact, I find his manner rather overwhelming and am disinclined to be in his company.”
A look of understanding dawned on Lord Whitehaven’s face, but still his fingers remained caught between hers, holding on as though they might never part from her again.
“I therefore do not think that I shall ever be inclined to marry,” she continued, aware that she was speaking at a much quicker pace now, as if she wanted to have her explanations given to him as soon as possible “So why should I not consider a convent?” Suddenly, Dinah found herself disinclined to speak to him about the letter she had just received. It was too soon, too sudden, she told herself. Besides which, there was a part of her that wanted to discover what he truly felt of her thoughts of becoming a nun.
Lord Whitehaven shook his head, sighing grievously as though she had harmed him. “It is because I have been unwelcoming towards you that you now seek to leave the estate in such a manner?” he asked, his eyes lifting to her face and searching them fervently. “Has my manner pushed you to this decision?”
