Kitty set her hand to his chest and, when he gave her room to move, scrambled to a sitting position. “I have not changed my mind about being your mistress.”
“I do not want you for a mistress. I want you for the rest of my life. To know you are only so far as the next room, or next to me like this. To dine together without it having to be arranged. I would like us to be married, Kitty. I want to be your husband.”
Kitty had wondered if he would ask. She had hoped he never would. In the silence of her private moments, she’d imagined this many times. Her answer would not please him.
She took up his hand and held it tightly. “I would like that, too, but I cannot marry you.”
He frowned. “Why not? You love me.”
“I know I do, Sinclair. I adore being with you more than I can say, but I cannot be your wife, your duchess. It is not in me to harm you.”
He grew still. “How could you harm me?”
“You must have wondered about me. My gray hair is but one sign of my age, but my body has told me another. At my time of life, I am not able to conceive anymore. I have not experienced the usual female cycle in some years.” She met his gaze, filled with regret. “I have gone through the change already. Have you heard of that?”
He nodded slowly. “But I do not think that will be a problem.”
“Sinclair, you must do your duty,” she chided. “You must have a son. Everyone is talking about you, and not just your looks. There’s no one else to inherit your title now, but a child of your own still could.”
He stared at her in silence, his chest heaving. “What if I did not need a son?”
“Then I would marry you in a heartbeat.” She brushed her hair away from her cheek. “But that is not the case, is it? I regret that I cannot always be with you, but that is the way of the world, is it not? You have a duty, and I cannot be selfish.”
His mouth worked, and then he shifted to sit beside her. “I do not want anyone but you.”
“I feel the same. I am still here, and I will always be yours.”
He fell silent, staring across the room. Kitty felt sorry for them both. If only Susanna had not parted them years ago, she would have already been married to Sinclair for decades. She thought they would have been happy, too. But there was still a chance for him to have a son. She’d known men of eighty years becoming a father for the first time with a young wife.
She forced a smile and squeezed his hand tightly. “Would you care for tea now, or perhaps something stronger? I think I would like a sherry.”
He wet his lips, and then looked at her so strangely. “You did not marry Forbes just because I didn’t ask you to marry me, did you? There has to be another reason.”
Although she had wanted to avoid the topic, it seemed Sinclair could not let the past rest the way she was trying to do. “Sinclair, please let’s not talk about the past anymore.”
“What happened? It must have been while I was away. Tell me.”
Seeing no way to avoid it, she nodded. “You were there when it happened, but I was unable to speak to you.” She swallowed. “Your sister saw me leave your bedchamber the last morning we were together.”
Sinclair’s lips parted in shock. “She did not.”
“She most certainly did. I was a little late leaving your bed. Remember, it was the day you were leaving for London again. I had just spent a whole night in your bed because you did not know when you were going to return. I stayed, watching you sleep too long, and I had to rush out when I realized the hour was getting late. My hair was down; my stockings were in my hand. I came out of your bedchamber and ran straight into Susanna. She just stared at me. I will never forget her face that morning.”
Sinclair stood up suddenly and strode away a few steps. “She never breathed a word of seeing you to me.”
“She did to me, later. Once you were gone, everything changed between us. There were still guests at the estate, and before them, Susanna acted as if nothing was different. But she stopped speaking to me with any warmth for several days.”
“I am sorry. Susanna had no right to do that.”
“She had every right.” Kitty winced and wrapped her arms about her chest. “I will never forget the afternoon she finally spoke her mind to me. It was late in the afternoon, a few days later, and Susanna sent a servant to have me meet her at the bridge that led to my home. She even painted the encounter…and then she gave it to you to hang on your wall. We spoke about that painting, remember? The dark one in your drawing room. I am most likely the figure in it, running away from her.
She put her hand to her cheek. “I can still hear her words lashing me, calling me a filthy whore, and the sting of her hand upon my cheek. I was nearly shoved off that bridge into the rushing waters, and when I resisted her, I was driven from the estate with a birch stick and her threats to ruin my reputation if I ever came near you again. I believed her.”
“My God,” Sinclair whispered. “I have never known her to treat anyone so poorly. You were her friend!”
“No, Sinclair. I was the woman who might have come between you and your sister. An interloper she did not want in the family.” Kitty shook her head. “She’d often spoken of the type of woman you would marry, and I’d brushed aside her words. But thinking back, she arranged so many accidental meetings for you and more suitable women, I had to face the fact that she was determined to choose your wife for you. I had thought it hard to bear when she did not know about us. But when she did, it became impossible.
“She would never have accepted me as your wife. I managed to avoid her for weeks in the hopes she might calm down and understand that I loved you. My brother kept asking why I was not visiting Grafton Park as I normally did. I had to hide the truth from him. When she did ride past, her stare was so cold and distant. She never stopped to speak to me again, and you did not return or write. I know weeks sometimes passed when we had no contact with each other. I didn’t know what to do. I became afraid she had been right about me being used, and that I was not important to you at all.”
“So when Forbes came calling,” Sinclair whispered. “You encouraged him.”
“Not at first. You were gone so long, and we had never written to each other. We were not engaged and it would have seemed odd to my brother if I sent you a letter. I could not even think of how to explain what had happened in writing. I hardly believed it myself, and as time went on, it seemed likely that she was right and that I had been ill-used.”
Sinclair fell to his knees and grabbed up her hands. His were so warm around her chilled ones. “Never.”
“She said a great deal to hurt me that day, Sinclair. She spoke of me as the lowest, most desperate class of woman. And it cut me to ribbons to hear her opinion of me. I had known her all my life and never once suspected she could speak to anyone so cruelly. I thought of her as nearly my sister. But then she spoke of my brother with derision, called our home a pigsty of a hovel, and she spoke of her expectations that I would end my life as a whore to hundreds of low men, dying of disease in poverty.”
“None of that would have happened. I was going to marry you! I had a special license in my pocket when I came back two months later.”
Kitty sobbed, and then wiped away the tears that were spilling down her cheeks. “I could not know what you did not tell me. I am so sorry”
He framed her face with his hands. “Susanna did not know the harm she did by separating us. She should be sorry.”
“She broke my heart.”
“And mine, too,” he promised as he wrapped her in his arms and held her tightly against him.
Kitty enjoyed the embrace but eventually pushed him back. He was crying silently, too, grieving for what had been done to them. She tried to smile so he would again. “Sinclair, we cannot change the past. The present moment is all that matters, all we have. I love you, but I will not marry you. You must have a son. When I am gone back to Ireland, it will be with the fondest of memories and my enduring love for you. I want
you to choose a lady and do your duty by marrying one young enough to give you the son you need.”
“I could never love anyone else.”
She nodded slowly, but hoped he could. “That is your choice to make.”
Sinclair pulled her close again. “Susanna was so wrong about you. You were always what I needed most. I think I never married because I was waiting for you to return.”
“Oh, Sinclair. If only Susanna had slept late that morning as usual and had not come looking for you.”
He kissed her brow and lay his head against hers. “I never spoke to her that day. She also never wrote to tell me you had married. I returned home and came straight to your door in my traveling carriage. Your brother was surprised to see me, and he looked at me so strangely when I asked to speak with you. He was the one to tell me you had moved away to be married. I could not understand him at first, but the truth slowly sank in. And when I returned to the estate eventually that night, my sister was happy, but I could not be for the devastation I felt inside. I locked myself away, nursing my heartache in private.”
“We cannot change the past.”
“No. We can only make the best of the present—and I choose you.” He got off his knees and held his hand out to her. “Let us go to bed.”
She slipped her hand in his and rose to her feet. They swayed close together, and then he smiled, the devilish light returning to his eyes. Her breath caught, but she led him upstairs by the hand. At the doorway, he stopped her and swept her up into his arms.
“I am going to pretend you agreed to marry me, and that this is our wedding night.”
She turned his face to hers and kissed him soundly. Sinclair was a romantic at heart, and all she’d ever wanted was to make him happy. She could pretend for him tonight, and perhaps that would be enough.
He managed to get the door open and closed without dropping her. A candle had been lit in her room, showing them the path to her tiny bed. He spun them around and slowly lowered her to her feet. “I have decided that we shall dance on our wedding night, too.”
“I would love to.” She curtsied to him, and when she rose, he pulled her into his arms. They danced a few steps, slowly spinning toward her bed. There was not a lot of room, so they soon had to stop. Kitty lay her head against his chest. “Even as a child, I loved dancing with you.”
“I insisted on you as my partner, even then. I did not want to hold my sister’s hand.” He brought her fingers to his lips and kissed them. “After a while, I only wanted to hold yours.”
“Still so charming,” she whispered. She looked up at Sinclair and smiled. “Make love to me.”
“I will,” Sinclair promised. “Forever.”
Kitty lifted her hands to her hair and removed the pins. Sinclair removed his coat and waistcoat.
She watched him disrobe as she unwound the plait of her hair and ran her fingers through it, so it fell in waves down her back. Sinclair drew close and threaded his fingers through to the ends. His eyes were warm as he removed his own cravat. She wanted to help, and as soon as he’d removed it and started lifting his shirt, she put her hands beneath to touch his skin as she lifted it up.
“I love you,” she whispered.
“That is all I need to hear to be happy,” he assured her as he started helping her unbutton her evening gown. When it was loose, he helped her step out of it and draped it across a nearby chair. While his back was turned, as he stretched for the lamp to douse it, before he could, Kitty flung off her chemise and struggled from her stockings.
“Sinclair?” She stood naked before him, the first time she had been fully unclothed in his presence in thirty years, and grinned at his surprise. She lifted her chin proudly. “Do I please you still?”
“Absolutely.” He abandoned the lamp to sweep her into his arms and held her tightly against him. “Nothing has changed between us when we are together.”
They shuffled toward the bed, hands sliding over bare skin, smiling and laughing whenever they tickled each other. Sinclair shucked off his breaches and unmentionables, and they got into bed together. They kissed for a good long while, brushing against each other’s skin. When Sinclair finally filled her, she moaned in relief.
They made love with no more words than necessary. It was natural and right and so satisfying to be loved unconditionally. Kitty cried out first, and then Sinclair followed soon after.
When it was over, when their passion had cooled enough to consider moving, Kitty rolled with Sinclair and rested her head against his chest. She listened to his heartbeat slow to its usual steady pace and gave thanks that she had this chance to be with him again. To love him and be loved in return.
Sinclair doused the light and returned to bed. He settled next to her as if he never planned to leave. “I will do everything I can to make you happy,” he promised in the dark, kissing her brow one last time before he became still and slept with her in his arms.
Kitty lay awake a long time listening to the steady breaths of the man who could never be hers alone. She was happy now, and wished this moment never had to end for either of them.
Even if it must soon.
Chapter 17
“You are not going to your club again, are you?” Teddy chided as Sinclair put his important papers in a drawer and locked it for safekeeping.
“No. Not tonight.” Teddy thought he’d spent the last week there when Sinclair had really been with his lover. He was not sure how long the deception would last, but he hoped it was a good long time. There was no better way to spend the night than with the woman he loved.
“If not the club, where are you bound?”
Sinclair tossed back the remains of the whiskey he’d poured earlier and left the glass on his desk for a servant to clear away later. “Lady Fenwick’s ball. I am in the mood to dance.”
He twirled a few steps, feeling decidedly lighter in spirit than usual. That was Kitty’s doing. Just knowing she’d attend the same entertainment as he gave him something to look forward to. Even if their time together would be caught in brief snatches of conversation and shared smiles, it was enough. It had to be.
“So I see?” Teddy studied him, eyes narrowing. “Any luck with Lady Forbes?”
Sinclair stopped dancing at the question. He’d made a habit of being honest with Teddy, but he had promised Kitty to tell no one about her. He had to withhold the truth to both of them, until one or both released him. “How do you mean?”
Teddy settled on the edge of the desk and folded his arms across his chest. “With her brother. Did she have any sway over him? I keep thinking he’s bound to come back with a new machine to use upon your house.”
Sinclair tried not to show his utter relief as he added waste paper to the hearth. He watched it burn before answering. “No, but the Percy Hunter situation is well in hand.”
“What have you done?”
“I have invited him to return home to live on the estate.”
Teddy’s eyes widened. “You what?”
Sinclair shrugged. “It is the perfect solution. He’ll be close so we can talk every day, his daughter will benefit from the fresh country air, have a chance to meet the local gentry, and I have a few buildings he may demolish at his leisure when he becomes frustrated.”
Teddy reeled back, and then stood to confront him. “Are you sure that is wise? What if he takes it into his head to destroy Grafton Park manor itself?”
“Then I will move into the cottage with him. He won’t like that. I will set my valet upon him each morning to make him shave.” Sinclair smirked a little. “Besides, if Percy does any damage, I’m sure the one who will come after me is quite capable of fixing up the estate after.”
“Not if he demolishes it, I won’t.”
“Then it will stay a ruin. There is nothing I can do about it once I am dead. Try not to worry about Percy Hunter anymore, Teddy. We’ll be all right.”
He clapped his hand on Teddy’s shoulder and studied their reflection in the mirror above t
he hearth. He wanted to be perfect for Kitty. She had promised to save him a dance and to meet him on the balcony at the stroke of midnight for a kiss.
“Did you want me to come with you?”
He could not say no. He’d insisted Teddy accompany him too many times in the past that to refuse his company might seem odd. “Of course. Are you ready?”
“I will be just a moment.” The young man strode for the door and disappeared very quickly.
Sinclair smiled as he listened to his fast walk down the hall. It was nice to have Teddy’s company, but nothing compared to having Kitty back in his life. The hours they spent in each other’s arms made him feel vital again. He’d gotten over the anger of what his sister had said and done to Kitty, but it had taken a few days.
He had given that dark, disturbing last painting of Susanna’s one long look and then destroyed it across the edge of his desk.
The pieces had fed the flames, but what more could he do? Nothing. Susanna was gone. He still loved Kitty and, more importantly, she loved him.
He hurried down the stairs and out into the carriage. “Wait for Teddy, John,” he told the groom holding the door.
Teddy darted into the carriage, and they were underway at once.
He did not grumble about Teddy wearing livery yet again. What was the point when he was so set upon being invisible?
Upon arrival at Lady Fenwick’s ball, he was nervous until he saw Kitty across the room. She met his eye and curtsied, along with everyone else in the room, and then he turned away, completely relaxed and in control. There was plenty of time to find her again and talk later. To seek her out first might be remarked upon. He chatted with friends, catching sight of Kitty in the distance doing the same. She looked to be having a good time, and he was well pleased himself.
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