A second later, Rachel's eyes widened.
Sky leaned forward, staring at me as if she could read the meaning off my face.
On the laptop screen, both Gabe and Everly were leaning in, their faces filling the frame as they cried, “What? What's going on?”
I sat up as straight as I could. I needed to own this. I was not ashamed. “I went to the doctor today,” I announced to my family. “I’m pregnant.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Claire
My family exploded in a cacophony of shouts, demands, and questions. Finn jumped up so fast, he actually knocked over his chair.
I twisted my hands in my lap, unable to look at any of them. Gripping my own hands was a poor substitute for having someone I could hold on to, and for one desperate second I imagined how much easier this would be if I had Ethan sitting next to me.
A light touch landed on my shoulder, making me startle. My mother's hazel eyes were wide with worry. “Is it Ethan’s?” she wanted to know.
I bit my lip. And shook my head. "No," I breathed in the smallest voice possible. It physically hurt to say no, because I wanted so badly to say yes.
“No!” Gabe shouted from the laptop. Everly was tugging on him, but he still shouted into his phone. “I need a flight right now! No, I have to go home, I need to kick someone's ass! I swear to God, if you don't book me a flight—”
“Gabe, stop!” Everly commanded, snatching the phone from his hand.
Jonah wouldn't meet my eyes. Beau was stone silent. I couldn't look at Ruby, but I could look to Finn. I couldn't keep the hope out of my heart as I begged him with my eyes to say something. Hurt passed across his face. But as I watched him, his Adam's apple bobbed up and down. He swallowed, nodded, then smiled at me. A hesitant, questioning smile. “I’m going to be an uncle?” he breathed.
I caught my breath in surprise.
“Claire,” my father interrupted.
I turned to him and then wished I hadn't. My usually stoic father looked like he was going to vomit his special occasion chicken right back up again. “Whose baby is it?” he asked steadily. “A baby needs a father.”
Sky winced, and my father immediately apologized to her, remembering how she had lost her father so very recently.
“The father isn't in the picture,” I snapped. “And he doesn't need to be.” My voice got stronger as I understood the truth of my words. “I have a great job and I have a lot in my savings account. You know I've been planning to buy a house. I have benefits. I have leave time, and I can afford to hire a sitter. So I'm going to do this,” I said, standing up and bracing my hands against the table. I thought about the little gummie bear on the ultrasound screen, waving to Mommy, and my voice broke. “With or without you, I'm going to do this.”
I meant to push away from them, but my mother caught my hand, looking stricken. She gave my arm a desperate shake. “Of course you're doing it with us,” she snarled, that terrifyingly protective gleam in her eyes. “How could you even think you wouldn’t?”
She yanked me into her embrace and suddenly I was weeping on her shoulder. My mother stroked my hair like she did when I was a little girl as she murmured, “It's going to be okay. We love you. We will always love you.”
I knuckled a tear off my cheek. I wasn't going to fall apart. My mother pulled back and gripped my shoulders as she stared at my face. Her eyes darted over me again and again, like she was trying to read something she couldn't understand. “Claire,” she said in a tone that brokered no room for equivocation. “It really isn't Ethan's?”
"No." I yanked myself out of her embrace and grabbed my purse off the counter. Shouldering it, I tossed my coat over my arm. My whole family stared at me, so I stared at a spot on the wall. “I’m heading out,” I said, my voice catching. “Rachel, I am sorry I made tonight be all about me. I didn't mean to, I swear. Mom, thanks for dinner. Everyone else, I'm heading out. Goodbye.”
I turned on my heel and headed for the front door, shutting it behind me. But not quickly enough to drown out the explosion of voices that followed and the sound of my name over and over again. Claire. Claire. Claire.
I shivered as the raw December wind hit my legs. I was still wearing the same tights I'd worn to work this morning. This day had lasted so long, it felt like I'd been wearing them my entire life.
Numb to anything else but rote motions, I started across the drive to my Jeep. Nothing was going to be fixed right now. But the only way to get through this was to keep moving
So that’s what I did. I put one foot in front of the other. I clutched my purse to my chest to shield myself from the wind, and felt it buzz against me.
It was pure habit that made me pause to rifle thorough my purse for my phone.
Ethan: Friend date???
I looked at his text without comprehension for a moment, then with irritation that he wasn't here right now.
I wiped away the tears I'd shed on my mother's shoulder and cursed. What was I thinking? I didn't need him here. I'd already proved that, I'd done it myself. Just because I had gone off track in my life plan didn't mean that I had to stop being the kind of woman I wanted to be. Strong, self-assured, confident, and in charge.
And most of all, wholly and completely independent.
A new feeling of calm settled around my shoulders as I crossed my parents' driveway. Once I slid into the driver’s seat, I didn't allow myself to slump. Instead, I reached into my purse and pulled out the tube of my favorite fire-engine-red lipstick.
Swiping that brazen confidence over my lips felt like slipping back into myself. I started my Jeep with a newfound resolve. I'd go see Ethan at the diner because I’d told him I would.
But I was only going to prove to myself how much I didn't need him.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ethan
I'd lingered in the corner booth without ordering long enough that the waitress was getting exasperated.
“No, thank you. Not yet,” I said again when she tried to take my order a third time. I took a sip of my coffee to prove that I planned on spending at least a little bit of money tonight. “My friend will be here any minute now.”
She rolled her eyes at me and stomped away. My neck heated as I went back to idly playing with sugar packets. From across the room, Mrs. Harlow, Willa’s mother, caught my eye and gave me a confused frown.
I knew what she was thinking. Why was I sitting in a booth by myself instead of with my usual crowd of friends? I was about to get up and agree with her that spending tonight sitting alone in a diner instead of at the bar getting free rounds of beer was a stupid idea, when Claire finally walked in.
She didn't smile when she slid into the booth across me. Just folded her hands in her lap and looked at me with the air of someone who both expects something to happen and expects to be disappointed when it does.
This was already going a lot differently from how I pictured it. I pictured us laughing casually, her in an old T-shirt and jeans, her lips bare and innocent like she'd just woken up.
But she was dressed up to the nines, and her red lipstick shone slick and shiny.
Frowning, I waited for her to say something, but when she didn't, I finally gave up and asked, “How did it go?”
“With what?” she asked, feigning distraction by glancing at the menu, even though she had to know it by heart.
“Uh, with your family,” I prompted.
Instead of answering, she looked down at her hands, then up and around, looking positively delighted when our waitress interrupted. She gave her a winning grin.
But her smile fell when that waitress gestured to Mrs. Harlow. “My shift is over,” the woman who had seated me explained. “She'll take care of you.”
Obviously, I had been sitting here too long.
Once the other waitress left, Mrs. Harlow eyed both of us. “Well! This is a nice surprise,” she said, pulling her pad out of her apron and holding her pencil poised. “I don't usually see the two of you out without
everyone else.”
“I had a bad day and forced Ethan to meet me for pie when he should be working,” Claire blurted before I could say anything. “I’m a bad friend like that.”
Mrs. Harlow gave me an affectionate smile. “Sounds more like Ethan is a good friend.”
“Yeah, I guess he's okay.” Claire laughed breezily. “I’ll have a cup of hot chocolate and a slice of the lemon meringue. Ethan, you want the banana cream, right? Yeah. He'll have the banana cream." She grabbed my menu and handed it to Mrs. Harlow.
I'd seen her pull this brusque efficiency act before. Being seen with me one-on-one was sending her into a panic. She was two steps away from climbing atop the table and shouting/insisting to everyone within earshot that we were just friends. Ha ha. Nothing to see here. Ha ha.
Why did I agree to this?
I blew out an impatient sigh. “Okay. You were saying?”
“What?” She feigned distraction again. “Oh, yeah. Sure. It was fine. My mom hugged me.”
“Really?” That made me sit back a little.
Claire narrowed her eyes. “What? Is that not what you wanted to hear?” Her voice dripped sarcasm. “Did you hope I'd come in here all upset so you could be my white knight?”
“Claire, what the fuck? You're making stuff up. I never said that.”
“Yeah, but you thought it, Ethan.”
“No, I didn't. And stop trying to read my mind.”
“You think I can’t read your mind, Ethan? Course I can. It's super easy. Ready? Watch me.” She held up her finger. “Right now you're thinking, what's up with the outfit, Claire?"
She grinned when she saw she was right. “Well Ethan, I’m wearing what I wear on dates.” She tilted her head, still giving me that sarcastically sweet grin. “Don’t you dress up for dates? Girls like it when you put in some damn effort instead of just sitting there all slumped and uninterested.”
I realized I was slumped and straightened up. She lifted her chin with a triumphant gleam in her eye. “Ah, there you go. Now you’re ready for an actual date. Glad I could help you figure that out.”
“I know how to date, thank you.” I pressed my hands flat on the table to keep from balling them into fists. “And I doubt your assistant will care what I wear on my date with her. ”
She blinked. Knocking her sideways shouldn’t feel this good, but it did. “Oh? You forgot you gave my number to your assistant? Well she called, and we’re going out.” We hadn’t confirmed, but Claire didn’t need to know that. I wanted that stricken look to stay on her face. “Holy shit, you actually did forget, didn’t you?”
“I didn’t forget,” she snapped. “It was just this morning, actually. Cool how she got to you so fast.”
Now it was my turn to stare at her with wide, stricken eyes. This morning? As I was texting her promises to be there in twenty minutes if she needed me at her appointment, she was handing my number to another girl? “You set me up this morning…and then you forgot about it?”
“Like I said, I didn’t forget. A lot has happened in the meantime, Ethan. I’m a little too busy to keep track of your love life too.”
“That’s a crock of shit and you know it.” She opened her mouth to interrupt, but I wasn’t having it. “What the hell are you playing at, Claire? Just tell me and get it over with.”
“I’m not playing at anything.”
“Sleeping in my bed every night? Letting me pack your lunches? Texting me every time you need something?” I shook my head, more angry with myself than with her. “We do everything that couples do, except you’re still trying to fix me up with another girl. Keeping me at arm’s length, right? That’s what you want? You want me on the back burner so I’ll be available the second you need me, but otherwise you want me out of the way.”
She stared at me, openmouthed. Emotions fluttered across her beautiful face. For one hopeful second, I thought she would finally, finally say it.
But she just shook her head. “I thought we were friends, Ethan. That’s what you told me. If you wanted more—” She shook her head, and God help me, her voice broke. “I thought you were helping me because we’re friends.”
I went from ice cold anger to burning hot shame. We were friends. She was right, that was why I was helping her. And if I’d gotten it into my head that we were anything more, then that was on me.
I kept my eyes on the menu the whole time Mrs. Harlow set down our order. I kept counting past zero and into negative numbers.
When I got to negative three hundred and forty-five, I could finally speak around the shame that clogged my throat. “We are friends, Claire.” I looked up. “We’re friends who yell at each other and then have sleepovers.” The corner of her mouth kicked up in an unwilling smile. I pressed on. “We’re friends who help each other with our love lives and then occasionally make out.”
This time she laughed. “Only occasionally.”
“Right, when it works for us.”
She met my eyes. “Because that’s what we do.”
“Right." Scowling, I speared another bite of pie and jammed it into my mouth so I wouldn’t say anything I’d regret. Then I jammed in another bite. Then another, until the pie was gone. Jumping to my feet, I grabbed my wallet and threw a twenty down. “Thanks for the dating advice, Claire. You’re a great friend.”
She eyed the twenty and looked up at me. “That’s too much.”
“Tip Mrs. Harlow well.” I shrugged into my jacket.
“Where are you going?”
“It’s Thursday,” I reminded her. When she looked startled, I held her gaze, letting her hear the unspoken challenge. I’m leaving. Are you coming with me?
She took a tiny bite of her pie. “Okay.”
Goddamn her. “Aren’t you coming?”
“With you?”
“No, with Justin Bieber. Yeah, with me. We’re heading to the same place, aren’t we?”
She gave a dismissive, one-shouldered shrug. “Maybe I’ll come later.”
I swallowed hard. Without a word, I stalked away, letting the wind catch the door and slam it shut behind me.
What I needed to do was walk into the Crown and hang out with my friends. I needed to have a couple beers to take the edge off and remember that nothing really had changed this evening. Claire and I were still friends, after all. That was the important thing to remember.
My world hadn’t turned upside down.
But I couldn't go there and pretend everything was normal tonight, because it wasn’t.
I didn't want to be friends with Claire.
I wanted Claire.
I loved Claire.
I couldn't pretend any longer.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Claire
There was no way I was going to the Crown tonight. Not with my cheeks all blotchy and my eyes bright red with tears. I couldn't let my friends see me crying like this.
The worst part was, I had no idea why I was crying. It made no sense. Everything had gone how I wanted it to. I’d achieved my goal of reasserting my independence. I should have been basking in the triumph of getting my shit back together again.
But instead I was sobbing in my Jeep.
No, I couldn't go to the Crown. And of course going to his house—my safe place—was out of the question.
So I did what I used to do when I got super upset. I stormed off to my room.
The house was quiet when I got home. I knew from years of experience how to turn the key in the lock silently. My dad would be asleep on the couch, the TV flickering with the sound off. My mom would be reading in bed. My brothers and their respective ladies would all be home by now.
So I was safe to head up into my room for a good old-fashioned meltdown.
I sat down at the edge of my bed, peeled off my work clothes in favor of flannel pajamas, carefully wiped my lipstick off with a tissue, then buried my face in my pillow.
How dare he? I thought as the tears flowed freely. How fucking dare he try to change things? How d
are he make me feel this? Whatever it was I was feeling, how dare he just…dare?
Ethan was the best guy I knew. He was like the missing part of me. Just knowing that he existed made my world a happier place. I needed him to be that and only that. I needed him to stay what he was to me.
I was a loyal friend. I was a good friend. I was the kind of person who kept friends forever.
Dating? Love? I wasn't so good at that. I didn't keep those people forever. I used them and then I discarded them. And I could not ever, ever discard Ethan. So therefore I could not love him. It would ruin everything. It would break my heart.
Something inside my chest that had been stretched tight like a rubber band finally snapped and I suddenly knew why I was crying. I cried all the harder with knowing, because I'd gone and fallen in love with him against my will.
“Claire?”
I startled. Sitting up hastily, I wiped out my eyes and stared at my brother. “I thought you'd gone.”
Finn stepped into my bedroom. “Sky went to the Crown with Olivia tonight. They're picking me up later. I was downstairs talking to Mom.” He drew his lips into a tight scowl. “You okay?”
“Definitely not."
He shrugged and laughed. “Yeah, I had a vague hunch. Using my superior people skills and excellent powers of observation and all.” He sat down at the edge of my bed, folded his long legs underneath him, and looked around my room. “This feels familiar.”
“What does?”
He drummed his finger on his knee. “This. Me coming in here when you're upset.”
“No, it doesn’t,” I protested. “This does not feel familiar at all. You were never around to see me upset like this.”
He looked down at his hands, and I knew my words had landed the way I wanted them to. I was hurting and so I'd hurt him. I waited for him to get up, growl, “Fuck this,” and walk out the door leaving me to jump into my self-pity with both feet.
Now And Always (Crown Creek) Page 12
