I see the way she looks at me sometimes. It’s only a fleeting look, but I know she loves me on some level, I just need to hope that it’s more than a friendship thing.
“Hey, you,” she says. “You ready to go?”
I feel Sullivan nudge me from behind and I clear my lust-filled mind and bring myself out of my fantasy of this woman letting me be the one to love her.
“Yeah… Sure,” I stumble over my words as I reach for my car keys that are hung up by the front door.
“Why don’t we walk?” she says.
“Walk to the diner?”
“Yeah. It’s only along the road, and it’s a nice evening,” she says, and if walking is what she wants, then walking is what she gets.
“Fine by me,” I say as I take my hand off the keys and gesture for her to walk in front of me.
My eyes immediately focus on her ass.
Damn.
“Have a good time, you two,” Sullivan says, dragging my attention away from her ass and to him.
“Don’t wait up,” I joke.
“Oh, I’ll be all ears, bro,” he says quietly, laughing as I shut the door in his face. Dickhead.
I shut the front door behind me and we walk to the diner, Lucy’s arm linked through mine.
“It’s so nice out,” Lucy comments as the sun starts to set and we stroll down the road like a regular couple.
No. Not a couple. Friends. We’re friends.
I hum in agreement with her. I’m afraid that if I speak, then I will divulge just how much I want to kiss her and pull her into my arms.
“You okay?” she asks, and I turn to look at her. She looks worried as she bites her bottom lip.
Fuck. I’m in trouble.
“I’m okay,” I tell her. “You?”
“You know what? I feel really good. I haven’t felt this happy for a long time, and part of the reason why is you.”
“Me?”
“Yes, Cal, you,” she says with a chuckle, and damn if that chuckle doesn’t send signals to my dick.
I know that she needs time, but I’m still a man in love with a woman, and I won’t apologise for loving her.
“How so?” I ask, because I need to know her answer.
She sighs and shakes her head from side to side, her hair swishing behind her. “You are always there for me, Cal. It doesn’t matter what I do, or what I say, you’re just there. I know that there is still goodness in people, because you show me that there is so much more to appreciate in life.”
I gulp down the lump in my throat from her words. “But… I wasn’t there for you for a long time, Lucy, how can you see me in that way?” I feel so guilty for leaving when I did, and I can’t just shut that off. I know that I couldn’t have foreseen any of what has happened, but it still sucker-punches me that I left her here.
“No one could have predicted what was going to happen, Cal. No one would have guessed that Tom would screw me over and that Michael would prey on my vulnerability and make me think that I didn’t have a choice. It’s their fault, not mine, and not yours.”
“Wow, therapy is really helping, huh?” I say, because since she started going to see someone, she’s been in a much better place. I see her healing daily, and it makes my heart swell. I want nothing but happiness for her, even if I’m not the one to give it to her.
“It is. I know that I didn’t want to go at first, but it’s making me see things differently. Before I just saw me as the problem, but now, now I know that I have no control over the way in which others act. I can’t hold myself responsible for what they did, because I never had a say, I just got suckered in and couldn’t see the truth because I was broken inside. I may have thought that I was in love with Tom and Michael, and on some level, I guess I was, but it wasn’t real love. It wasn’t the real deal… That is still out there, I just have to be patient to find it.”
Damn. I don’t know what to say, I’m lost for words.
Lucy stops walking for a moment, bringing us to a halt as we arrive at the diner. She unlinks her arm from mine and steps in front of me, facing me, luring me in with her beautiful soul.
“I know that I have so much more to work through, Cal, and I just want you to know that if it ever gets too much for you, or if you feel like I start to suffocate you with my problems, I don’t want you to feel as if you can’t walk away––”
I cut her off by placing my hands on her cheeks, caressing her face, letting my thumb rub over her bottom lip.
“It’s never going to happen, babe, so just stop. I’m not going anywhere, and you could never suffocate me,” I tell her honestly, truthfully, whole-heartedly. My heart starts to pound as I sense a shift between us. I see her eyes sparking with hope, with love and with something else. “I’ve been a fool, Lucy. I’ve never truly opened up and let you see what I really feel.” I clear my throat, take a deep breath, all the while keeping my eyes locked on hers. “I spent years wasting time, being a coward and never facing up to what I really want.”
I see her gulp, and I hear her breathing quicken. I’m sure she can hear my heart trying to pound out of my chest, but I don’t care, I need her to know how I feel about her. It may be too soon after Michael, but we’re not just meeting for the first time, we haven’t just started to get to know one another, we have years of trust, friendship and love between us, and I’m counting on that to stop her running the other way.
“Lucy,” I breath out her name and keep talking. “I feel like I’m going crazy here, feeling what I feel on my own, and wondering when the right time is to be honest. I know that there is something between us, because I know you, and I need you to tell me if it’s too soon for you to hear what I am about to tell you, because once I start, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop.”
I close my mouth for a moment, letting her digest my words, allowing her a few minutes to tell me whether I should be doing this or not.
She continues to look at me, a fire in her eyes that wasn’t there before.
Does she feel the same way?
Is this the perfect time to tell her?
Will this ruin our friendship?
Will it make us stronger?
Christ, I’m getting on my own damn nerves, questioning myself, always thinking it’s not the right moment. There may never be a right moment, so just get on with it, Bailey.
“Lucy, I––”
“CAL!” I hear a voice shout from behind me.
“Fuck,” I say on a breath. I let my hands drop from Lucy’s face and turn around to see Sullivan running towards me, his face flushed.
“Good job you guys were only down the road,” Sullivan says as he comes to stop in front of me, trying to catch his breath.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, annoyance clear in my tone. I was about to tell Lucy how much I love her, and this asshole comes along and ruins the fucking moment. Story of my life. Tom, Michael, and now Sullivan, not to mention my stupidity when I was younger for keeping my mouth shut.
“Dude, there are two police officers at your house,” Sullivan says, and just like that my world comes crashing down once again. I hear Lucy gasp, her hand gripping my arm from behind. “They seemed insistent, and your damn phone is off,” Sullivan continues as I move my arm so that Lucy’s fingers are entwined with mine. I squeeze gently, letting her know that I’m here and we will get through this, together.
I have no idea what a call at this time of night could mean, but I know that we need to get back to the house to find out.
“Come on, babe, let’s go and see what they want,” I say to Lucy as we start to follow Sullivan and I realise that my declaration is going to have to wait just a little bit longer.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Curveball
Lucy
One minute my heart is pounding from Cal, and the next it is pounding because reality has once again intercepted whatever was going to happen between us a few moments ago. With a heavy heart and heavy feet, I make myself move until we are back at C
al’s place, and I see the police are stood waiting for us by the front door. I recognise the one immediately; it’s the woman that questioned me in hospital when I had to relive what that monster did to me. Her face is stony, much as it was when I met her before.
“Miss Fields, we need to speak with you,” she says sternly. No thank you for coming back, no sorry to interrupt your evening, just getting straight to the point.
“Okay, shall we go inside?” I say, tightening my hold on Cal’s hand a little bit more.
“I think that would be wise,” she answers. I can feel the tension coming off of Cal in waves. He doesn’t like this woman, and I can’t say that I blame him, I’m not a fan either.
Cal moves forward, me following, and opens the door.
“I’ll just make myself scarce for a few,” Sullivan says before he turns and jogs down the path, not waiting for an answer.
We all walk to the lounge, Cal sitting beside me and the police officers sitting on the sofa opposite.
“We won’t keep you long, Miss Fields, we just came to inform you of recent events,” she says, and I can’t for the life of me remember her name. Why can’t I remember? Was it because my brain was so messed-up from reliving my past? Was it because I was hoping never to have to deal with this woman again? Wishful thinking on my part of course, because she was never going to go away and leave me to try and work through my issues, I was always going to have to face them at some point. That point has come sooner rather than later.
“There has been a development regarding Michael Chandler,” she says, and I wait with baited breath to see what she is going to say next. “Mr Chandler was transported to the intensive care unit last night. It’s clear that he was attacked and that he needs to regain consciousness before any decision can be made about progressing your case to trial.”
Intensive care unit.
Attacked.
Unconscious.
What the fuck?
“Mr Chandler sustained serious head injuries and it’s unclear when he will be able to be moved back to the prison,” she continues, meanwhile, I feel like I’m swimming under water with no way to reach the surface.
Intensive care unit.
Attacked.
Unconscious.
“So, he was attacked in prison?” Cal asks, seeing that I am struggling to respond.
“Yes,” she confirms. “Let’s just say that men who lay their hands on a woman are seen as some of the worst in there, and once word travels around, there is no escaping it.”
I feel sick.
Attacked.
Unconscious.
“We will be in touch when we have news of any progress, but until then, I’m afraid we are at a stand-still.”
“Thank you for letting us know,” Cal says as I feel like I am in a daydream.
“If you have any questions, you have my number,” she says before I am vaguely aware of Cal leading them out of the room and I presume out of the house.
A few moments pass by as the words continue to play on repeat in my mind.
Attacked.
Unconscious.
Just like I was so many times.
I come to when I see Cal crouch in front of me, his hands resting on my knees as he looks at me with worry.
“You still with me, babe?” he says. I place my hands on top of his as the emotions swirl around inside of me.
Attacked.
Unconscious.
“Yeah,” I whisper with a nod of my head.
“Talk to me, tell me what’s going on in your head,” Cal says.
“Promise you won’t judge me?”
“I promise,” he says, even though I see the clench of his jaw. I have no idea what he thinks that I am about to say, but I bet it isn’t what he is thinking.
“I feel sick,” I begin, hoping that off-loading my thoughts doesn’t make him see me differently. “But not because he’s been attacked. I feel sick about myself, and about the fact that I felt a moment of happiness that he is in pain and suffering. He gets to feel what it’s like to be helpless whilst someone kicks the shit into him. He gets to feel a fraction of what I felt for months, and if he wakes up, then he gets to go back and live in fear for however long a judge may see fit.
“He gets to be a victim, but it’s all his own fault, whereas I never had a say. He deserves to hurt, he deserves to feel worthless and like his life isn’t worth living. He deserves all of it, and me thinking that makes me the bad one. It makes me like him, doesn’t it?”
“No, it doesn’t,” Cal says as he wipes away a tear rolling down my cheek.
“It does, it makes me like him because he used to smirk when I cowered.”
“Lucy, baby, you’re nothing like him,” Cal says but I don’t listen, I’m too wrapped up in how there is an evil part inside of me that is no better than Michael.
“I am, and I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want to feel happy that he’s been knocked about, but it’s there, a happy thought that he’s getting his comeuppance. Fuck, Cal, he’s ruined me more than I ever thought possible. How can I be happy about this? Why am I happy about this? Why, why, why?” I’m rambling, my body shaking. I can’t be like him, I just can’t.
“Lucy, calm down, you’re nothing like––”
“Yes, I am,” I shout, hating that I’m talking to Cal in this way, but panic has me acting out of character.
“For fuck’s sake, will you listen to me?” Cal says, matching the level that I just shouted. It jolts me, and I know he hates that he shouted, but he couldn’t get my attention any other way. It doesn’t frighten me that he shouts, because it’s Cal, and I would trust him with my life. He’s the only person that I would ever trust with my life.
I shut my mouth and just look at him, focusing on him and what he is about to say.
“You. Are. Nothing. Like. Him,” he starts, saying each word slowly and clearly. “You could never be like him, Lucy, because you’re a good person. You’re caring, loving, and you radiate warmth even after everything you have been through. Your reaction is perfectly normal. That guy made you suffer in silence for months, in fact, I’d be slightly worried if you didn’t feel some kind of kick from him experiencing a fleeting moment of what you endured for months.
“You’re not a monster, Lucy, you’re a human, and we all feel things we shouldn’t, but that is part of life. Don’t dismiss what you feel, allow yourself to embrace it and accept it because that is how you move on. That is how you put all of this behind you when the time comes, and how you become even stronger than you are now.
“You are everything, Lucy, and I will spend every day making you see just how special you are.”
Fuck me.
His words.
His voice.
His love.
I can feel it coming off of him in waves.
I can feel his emotion radiating around us.
I can feel his heart pumping fast, beating wildly against my fingertips. Somewhere along the line, I moved my hands as they are now placed on his chest. Somewhere along the line, he moved closer to me, kneeling between my legs, my thighs either side of his chest. Somewhere along the line, there was another switch between us.
I should feel sad, but I don’t.
I should feel awful for Michael, but I don’t.
I shouldn’t be feeling excitement as Cal looks at me like I am his world.
I shouldn’t allow my heart to race with the possibility of something happening between us.
I shouldn’t be hoping to take things further with Cal.
But I am.
I’m experiencing all of the above.
I want to kiss him.
I want to make love to him.
I want to be his.
I want to move on.
I want to live again, with him.
“Cal,” I whisper as I let my hands glide up from his chest to cup his face. He closes his eyes as if the touch of my skin on his is too much. I don’t want this to be too much for h
im, but I’ve spent years doing what others wanted. I’ve never really done what I have wanted to do, what I should have done before now. I want to be honest and show Cal just what he means to me.
“Lucy, don’t do this if you’re not sure,” he says, eyes still closed, his fingers gently gripping my thighs. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but fuck, I’ve been waiting for this moment for years, so please, if you’re not sure, don’t do it…” His voice trails off and I can hear the emotion in his voice.
Waiting for years.
Just like I have.
It seems we’ve both been idiots, hiding away what we feel.
This is it, Lucy. The moment you’ve been waiting for. You can either hide away or come clean.
Hide away or come clean.
I’m sick of hiding.
And with that thought in mind, I place my lips on Cal’s.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Everything
Cal
Her lips are on mine.
Her soft lips are moving against mine, and fuck if it isn’t the best thing I’ve ever felt.
I revert straight back to that kid in high school that finally got their moment with their girl crush. Except, this is no crush, this is years of love finally being acknowledged.
The first moment I saw her, I knew that I wanted her.
The first moment she spoke, I knew that her voice was my favourite sound.
The first moment she touched me, I knew that I would never forget it.
Twelve years old, just going into secondary school, and I knew that she would always have my heart and she would never be replaced. Sure, I fucked around, dated some girls, but it was all because I thought I couldn’t have her. Lucy. My Lucy. Fast-forward seventeen years, and we’re here, finally, and it is everything.
I feel her body move closer to mine, her legs widening a little more to part around me. Her hands move from my face to my shoulders before finding themselves entwined in the back of my hair, the slight tug she gives shoots signals directly to my dick.
I allow my hands to move round the back of her, and I pull her against me, so there is no space left between us.
Taking Control (The Control Duet Book 2) Page 10
