“Never been happier.”
She places her head on my shoulder and I have to stop myself from jumping up and punching the fucking air in triumph.
“Ugh, you guys, I’m trying to eat,” Sullivan says as he rolls his eyes.
Lucy starts laughing first, and her laugh is so infectious that it isn’t long before Sullivan and I are joining in.
A simple breakfast.
A fresh new start.
And my girl beside me, forever and always.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Bring me down
Lucy
“You’re like a new person, Lucy,” Ava says as I sit on the sofa in her office whilst she waits for me to say whatever it is I feel the need to say today.
“I feel good; great actually,” I say before the smile drops from my face as that ugly thing called guilt wades into my conscience.
A few minutes tick by as the guilt builds.
I shouldn’t be feeling great.
It’s too soon.
“Whenever you’re ready,” Ava says calmly, patiently waiting for me to divulge what’s on my mind.
And I do. I tell Ava about Cal, and how I am consumed by all that I feel for him. I tell her about how we finally gave into our feelings. I tell her about the fear that consumes me even as I try to block it out. I tell her about Michael, and how he was attacked, and how I feel like I should be mourning the end of our relationship.
It sounds stupid after what he put me through, but I’m only human, and we all have a way of trying to dampen our happiness with past events and thoughts of how we should act.
My mind is like a goddamn yo-yo. Up and down, all over the place.
Do I deserve Cal?
Do I deserve to live my life the way that I always wanted?
Do I deserve the love of a good man rather than a violent, controlling one?
Should I be focusing on myself rather than delving into another relationship?
“Lucy, there is no right or wrong here,” Ava says, breaking me from the thoughts that plague me constantly. “Only you can decide if you are ready for something new.”
“But I’m not supposed to want something new this quickly, am I?” God, I sound like a broken record.
“Your heart and mind know the answer to that question, I can’t tell you what you want to hear because it has to come from within. But I will say this… Cal has been a massive part of your life since you were kids, you haven’t just met. You know each other, and I mean really know each other. The question here isn’t should you move on, or should you be allowed to be happy. It’s more about what feels right for you, no one else, just you.
“Put yourself first, Lucy. Discover you, and what you want out of life.”
Put myself first.
Do what I want to do.
It’s a hard thing to grasp when I’ve spent years trying to please others, and that includes when I was with Tom.
“And what about Michael?” I ask, hating that I am even voicing that question, but this is my safe space and I feel no judgement within these walls.
“What about him?” Ava asks.
“Shouldn’t I have visited him? Shouldn’t I want to be there to make sure that he is recovering?”
“That depends on whether you want to,” Ava says, and I scoff.
“Wow, great advice, Ava,” I say sarcastically, my frustration from my unanswered questions showing.
“I’m not here to tell you what to do, I’m here to help you get the answers that you seek,” Ava replies, confusing me even more.
“But what if I don’t have the answers to those questions? What if I never have the answers?” I say with a sigh.
“You will get those answers when you’re ready to hear them.”
When I’m ready.
Shit, what if that point never comes?
“I love Cal so much, Ava, and I don’t want to do anything to ruin what is happening between us.”
“You won’t ruin anything if he loves you, Lucy. That’s the thing about relationships; they’re a two-way street, they’re not one-sided. And if he doesn’t accept all that you are, then he’s not the right man for you,” Ava says, and I digest her words.
Cal does accept me.
I already know that he does, no matter what I’ve been through or what I’m feeling.
“He is right for me,” I say defiantly.
“Well then, I guess you have your answer,” she says with a small smile.
I have my answer?
How?
I think back over what I have shared in this room.
My love, my guilt, my indecision over a man that put me through hell.
My strength, my fight, my adoration of a different man who accepts me and loves me unconditionally.
I close my eyes and listen to my gut, something I ignored for a long time in favour of just keeping others happy.
Cal.
Michael.
Me.
Closure.
That’s what I’m missing. Closure.
My life with Michael is still open-ended. There is no definitive end to the nightmare that I lived through.
Cal has helped to mask the hate still living inside of me, but I need to let it out.
I need to break completely free.
I am beholden to no one, and it’s time that I finally took notice of that.
I have to do this for me.
Just me.
Only me.
Don’t live in the shadows.
Don’t mask the pain.
Face up to it and move on.
Learn to grow.
Learn to breathe.
Learn to live.
I want to live without a weight holding me down.
I want to love without guilt.
I want to show myself that I am a fighter, that I can battle, that I can win.
“I know what I have to do.” They are my final words of the session before I walk out, a new determination coursing through me.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Confronting demons
Lucy
I step inside and close the door behind me.
The walls surrounding me were once my home, but eventually became my prison.
I left the therapist and knew that I had to start confronting my demons, the ones that make me question and hold me back.
Looking down the hallway, I feel nervous about venturing further.
This was where he hurt me.
This was where he controlled me.
This was where I thought I would die at the hands of a monster.
The road to recovery lies solely with me, and I want to recover. I want to forget. I want to forgive.
It may seem impossible, but forgiveness is the only way that I will be able to deal with my past. If I don’t forgive, then it will fester and haunt me for all of my days.
I move one foot in front of the other, walking into the open-plan kitchen and lounge.
I look to the spot on the floor where I curled up like a dog.
I look to the table where I sat, scared to even take a sip of my coffee in the mornings.
I look to the sofa where it took every ounce of strength within me to just get up and keep trying to live.
I don’t know why I kept the key to Michael’s apartment. I say it’s his key because I was just an occupant, never an owner. I should have given it back to him when I left, I should have thrown it in his face, but I didn’t. I kept it. To be honest, I forgot for a while that I had it, but speaking to Ava today triggered the memory of me taking it out of my pocket when I was released from hospital and went to Cal’s house, and putting it in my handbag, tucking it away in the side-zip.
This is where I face my house of horrors and start to say goodbye to the doormat that I had become.
As I make my way to the bedroom, I can still hear the faint sound of the handcuffs that bound me to the bed, clinking away as I tried to make my escape. I can still feel the tears that ran down my fac
e from the last time that I had sex with Michael. I can still feel the fear that beats away inside of me just from being here.
I want to erase that fear.
Everything is as I remember it. My watch is still sitting on the bedside table, along with a picture of Michael and me from when we first started dating. It’s surreal to think that I was happy at that point. I could never have envisioned the heartbreak that was waiting for me or the suffocation that had me struggling to breathe on a daily basis.
I feel tears sting the backs of my eyes, but I won’t cry. I won’t give that bastard the satisfaction of making me shed another tear. He doesn’t get to do that anymore, and he never should have had that power in the first place. I gave that to him. Me. I let him chip away at me, shattering my self-esteem and self-worth.
I turn and go to the bathroom, looking to the tub, seeing myself sat in there as Michael pushed my head under the water. My heart pounds violently as I close my eyes and remember that I fought. I’m still here. I’m still the woman I once was, but I want to be better. I want to give myself the chance to be the best version of myself that I can be.
I walk around the apartment a few more times, reliving the memories and seeing now that it was so obvious where the control started.
From the beginning.
From day one.
The nice-guy act that Michael put on, the charm, the affection, it was all there. The way that he lured me in, then made my friends his… Until Cal came back.
Cal.
It’s always Cal.
When Cal returned, the abuse got worse.
Michael felt threatened, more so than at any other point in our relationship.
There’s another photo on the wall of the lounge of Michael and me. The day after our engagement. He thought it was a beautiful picture, but to me it was ugly. I can see the dead look in my eyes, the way that my smile is forced, and my body is rigid as Michael’s arm is draped over my shoulders. He looks happy. I look destroyed, broken, hopeless.
I never want to look like that again.
With a rage burning inside of me, I take the photo off of the wall and hurl it across the room. It smashes against the opposite wall, glass shattering everywhere, the photo coming out of the frame and landing on the floor.
I look at the broken pieces and the sad eyes of the woman in the photo, and I vow to never be that sad woman again.
I will not be broken.
I will not be destroyed.
I will not let that fucking monster destroy me.
I owe it to myself to come out of this stronger.
I owe it to myself to live a good fucking life.
I owe it to the girl in the picture. The one that never thought she would get out alive.
Chapter Forty
Forgiveness
Lucy
I walk through the front door of Cal’s house feeling like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
I packed some of my clothes from Michael’s apartment and cleaned up the broken picture, throwing it into the rubbish bin where it belonged before I walked out and posted the key back through the letterbox. I didn’t bother packing anything else, because apart from clothes, there is nothing else in that apartment that I would want. It can stay there for all I care.
I dump the bag of clothes by the stairs and go through to the kitchen where I can hear someone humming along to the radio. I expect it to be Cal, but when I enter, I see that it’s Sullivan.
“Hey,” I say, making him jump, interrupting him from swaying his hips to the beat. “Having fun there?” I tease.
“Yes, thanks,” he replies with a cheeky smile. “Enjoying the show?”
“Oh, of course,” I say with an eye roll and a laugh. “Where’s Cal?”
“He’s been in his room for the last hour. Every time I go up to see what he’s doing, he shouts at me to fuck off.”
“Oh, well, I guess I better go and see what he’s getting up to,” I say as I go to turn around and leave the kitchen. Before I can though, Sullivan stops me, his hand lightly resting on my forearm. I look back at him and can see a hint of worry in his eyes.
“Listen, Lucy, I don’t want you to think that I’m sticking my nose in where it’s not wanted, but I just wanted to say that… I hope you give Cal the chance he deserves. He loves you, and I can see you love him. I don’t know what’s happened in your past, but I can tell that it was bad. I’m not here to pry, I just… Cal’s been good to me, letting me stay, being a mate even though I don’t deserve it half the time…” His voice fades off and his hand drops from my arm.
I can see that he is just looking out for his friend, and I appreciate that even though Sullivan seems good at fucking his own life up, he’s clearly just trying to do right by Cal.
“One day, Sullivan, I may tell you, when I’m stronger and it doesn’t hurt so much to talk about it. You’re Cal’s friend, and I see you as my friend too, and I can promise you that Cal is it for me. There’s never really been anyone else, just a couple of road blocks that got in the way,” I say with a shrug and a small smile.
Road blocks that I should have smashed my way through sooner, but I keep that to myself. I don’t know Sullivan well enough yet to tell him all that I have been through.
“I like you, Lucy,” Sullivan says but it’s not in a creepy way and it doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable.
“You’re not too bad either, I suppose.” Except for the cheating on your girlfriend part, but I don’t know enough about that to comment. “I’m gonna head up and see what Cal’s up to,” I say before I leave the kitchen and make my way upstairs.
Stopping outside of Cal’s bedroom door, I listen, but there is no sound. I lightly knock on the door to be greeted by Cal shouting, “Sullivan, I told you to leave me alone.” I chuckle and open the door, pushing it slowly, wondering what on earth Cal is trying to keep secret.
I don’t have to wonder for long as the reason for his secrecy comes into view.
My jaw drops and Cal spins around, his face going from annoyed to shocked as he registers that it’s me stood here and not Sullivan.
“You’re back already?” Cal says as he runs his fingers through his hair.
“What is all of this?” I say as I shut the door behind me and take in the scene before me.
Petals are scattered in a trail, leading to a blanket set out by the window.
Candles are placed around the room, dimly glowing as the sun starts to set outside.
A picnic basket is set in the middle of the blanket, and a bottle of wine and two glasses sit next to it.
Soft music plays in the background, setting the tone for what I can assume is going to be a romantic evening.
Cushions are placed to one side of the blanket, piled high so that they act as a back rest to lean against.
And then there is Cal, dressed in his stone-wash denim jeans and tight white tank-top. No socks, no shoes, his feet bare and his hair slightly damp, which I presume is from him taking a shower not so long ago.
He looks divine.
The room looks beautiful.
And then there’s me, the broken mess who is slowly putting herself back together with the help of a man who loves me for me. Cal doesn’t want to change me, he doesn’t want to control me, he just wants to be with me.
My best friend.
My heart.
And a man that has always been the love of my life.
Tears spring to my eyes from his gesture.
No one has ever done anything like this for me before. No one has ever made me feel like I am the centre of their world without them expecting something in return.
“Cal,” I whisper as my hand covers my mouth and I grit my teeth to stop myself from crying.
“I wanted it to be a surprise,” he says, a little downcast that I walked in before he was ready.
“It is a surprise… A truly beautiful one,” I tell him as he walks towards me before taking me in his arms and placing a delicious kiss on my lips.
“Hey, you,” he says as he pulls back and gives me his heart-stopping smile.
I’m pretty sure my panties are already wet with need for this man. I have to fight the urge to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming.
“Hi,” I say, feeling a little shy all of a sudden.
“How was your day?” he asks.
I think back to my therapy session, and to how I went to Michael’s apartment.
I think about how I feel a little bit freer than before.
I think about how facing a part of my past has made me feel stronger, and like I can battle the demons that try to plague me.
I don’t need to live with the demons.
I shouldn’t allow my past to dictate my future.
And I’m slowly starting to believe that I am worthy.
Worthy of love and worthy of life.
I look deep into Cal’s eyes and for the first time since I left Michael, I see that this is exactly where I’m meant to be.
With Cal.
My soulmate.
“It was good,” I say before I reach up and touch my lips to his. He groans, and I move my hands to the back of his head, needing him closer, wanting to erase any space between us. Cal’s hands wrap around me, and I jump up, linking my legs around his waist. He carries me over to the blanket, managing to take us both to the floor, lying me beneath him. I open my legs and he settles between my thighs.
Nothing has ever felt so good.
I deepen our kiss, plunging my tongue in his mouth hungrily.
He’s not close enough.
I need him closer.
I move my hands until they are pulling up his tank-top and wrenching it over his head.
There is nothing soft and gentle about the way in which Cal undresses me.
It’s raw, animalistic, as if the world will end if he doesn’t plunge inside of me within the next few minutes.
He nips my neck, I dig my nails into his back.
He bruises my lips as his crash back against mine.
I undo his jeans, pushing them down past his ass eagerly.
I feel his cock at my entrance and I widen my legs more. He slides in and I let out a scream as he plunges deep again and again and again.
Taking Control (The Control Duet Book 2) Page 12
