Jenny wandered along the interconnecting paths. It was approaching noon and the warm sun soothed her troubled spirit. Now that she and James were officially divorced, she would have to get ready to leave. She had anticipated this day for a while and had looked at a few apartments on the west side. There was one in particular that drew her back. She really didn’t care for the size of the apartment; it felt confined after living in such a huge mansion for all those years. What appealed to her was the courtyard and the beautiful array of flowers it displayed.
In the centre was a small trestle, four concrete pillars with boards spanning across the top to provide some shade from the sun with a bench below. It wasn’t like the gazebo she was used to, but she knew she needed a little getaway and to be surrounded by the things she so loved that had comforted her all the years while she lived basically alone.
She strolled through the grounds for over an hour. She had retraced her steps several times, but she didn’t mind. It was like opium to her. She could never get enough of the beauty of nature. Just as she gently reached into the sky to entice a butterfly to land on her hand her beloved gardener came up the walk.
“Good afternoon, Mrs. Hamilton,” said Thomas, “A pleasant day to be strolling about.”
“Yes, it certainly is, Thomas. By the way, I shall be leaving soon…” and for a moment Jenny found it difficult to speak, “and…I just want you to know how much I love the way you look after the garden and all the flowers. I know you love what you do. It shows, Thomas.”
“Why, thank you, Ma’am. I do enjoy what I do very much, and I must say, it gives me great pleasure to see the joy you derive from all this, as well.”
Jenny smiled.
“Will you be gone for long, Mrs. Hamilton?”
Jenny was taken aback by his question. Should she tell him what was going on or just wave it off? She thought about it for a moment. He would be the first one to share this with.
“Thomas, Mr. Hamilton and I have seen it fit to end our marriage. I will be leaving within a few days and I doubt very much that I will ever be back.”
“Oh my. Oh my. Mrs. Hamilton, what can I say? That is such sorrowful news. I will truly miss you. Oh my, this is so sad to hear. Is there any chance that…?”
“No, Thomas. I’m afraid it is indeed over. It was official, yesterday.” She looked lovingly into Thomas’s eyes. They were filled with compassion, almost as if he wanted to hug her and hold her. His eyes usually so white against his dark skin and added tan from working in the sun all day, slowly turned red as tears welled up in his eyes.
Jenny approached him, ignored his dirty hands, his soiled clothes and hugged him tenderly.
“Thank you, Thomas, I shall miss you.” She released him, then turned and headed back towards the house.
It was approaching mid-afternoon and she still hadn’t had her lunch. Perhaps she would go out for an early dinner to her favourite café before going to see her mother. With all the goings-on over the past few days, Jenny hadn’t had a chance to visit her. Jenny had called several times, but she was either asleep or not well enough to come to the phone.
Before she entered the kitchen, she turned and looked at all the beauty she would have to leave behind. Unfortunately, all the beauty was out there, and none was ever inside of our marriage.
After a glass of Chardonnay, Jenny’s appetite somewhat revived, she ordered a light mushroom vegetarian dish. Her favourite waiter was on duty this evening, which helped pick up her spirits.
All the male servers in the restaurant envied Keith as Jenny always sat in his section. The café was brighter than on her usual evening visits and, as the late afternoon light streamed through the window, it gave a glow to Jenny’s skin. At 45, she looked 35, perhaps younger. As soon as she entered the café, she felt the gazes of the other patrons follow her.
Jenny’s mind was just beginning to wander back to the judge’s final words in the courtroom the day before, when Keith arrived with her order.
“Oh, that looks delicious, Keith.”
“Enjoy, Mrs. Hamilton.”
Jenny sipped her wine, then delved into her meal.
“Mmm, this is good,” Jenny muttered under her breath as the sauce tantalized her taste buds. She was so glad she had stumbled across this café over a year ago. She had taken the wrong turn to a near by Mall and noticed the sign advertise French cuisine. She was glad she had stopped and tried the restaurant out. The owner who was also the chef was from France and the sauce he put on every meal she tried, was absolutely delicious. She liked the quaintness and charm of the café. It sort of reminded her of being in Paris or some equally romantic place. Perhaps she would travel there some day instead of just reading about it.
As she ate, her mind reflected back upon the court scene. She so regretted how hurt and blaming her son looked when asked if he’d seen her kissing a local bookstore owner. J.J. simply didn’t understand what was going on there at the time. It was the first and the last time Jenny kissed John. In fact, it was John who kissed her, and it was on the cheek; nothing more than a farewell kiss, as far as she was concerned. But J.J. refused to hear her side of it.
J.J. had kept the secret for two years, until one day when his guard was down he related the incident to his father. It was exactly what James had been looking for to proceed with divorce.
By the time Jenny left the café, a pleasant summer evening had settled over the city. As she got into her car, she was reminded that it had never really been “her” car. She had thought it was until yesterday, when the judge said that everything belonged to James’ company. How could she have signed away all her rights to everything? She wondered if James would leave the car to her.
“Oh, it doesn’t matter, anymore. It’s all for the best. My only hope and prayer is that J.J. will someday see that money and possessions are not everything and realize how much his mother really loves him.”
Chapter Six
The man entered the dark cubicle and closed the door behind him. He knelt down and thought about the sins he had committed. He was ready to get up and leave when the door to the wooden grille screen slid open.
He lowered his voice in an attempt to camouflage his identity and moved his head further into the darker corner of the cubicle.
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been six months since my last confession and these are my sins: I swore, used God’s name in vain, told a lie…twice…” and then the words “…I…had impure thoughts…” tumbled from his mouth, followed more slowly by, “I missed mass once on Sunday and talked badly about one of my co-workers. I think that’s all, Father. For these and all the sins which I cannot remember, I am very sorry.”
Father smelled Bud’s perspiration and heard his heavy, nervous breathing. He knew Bud had tried to conceal who he was, but Father always knew. For years, Bud had repeated this struggle many times, and he was not the only one. What surprised Father when he first started listening to confessions was how prevalent this sin was amongst women as well. Father often thought that God should have made man differently or that passion should only come along with the sacrament of matrimony. But no, once passion is experienced it soon gives way to lust, adultery and soon runs rampant.
What surprised Father even more though was Bud’s connection to Henry and the incredible workings of God’s divine providence to deal with unforgiveness. It was only after Henry had opened up the Gallery that Bud came into the shop to meet Henry and inform him that it was he and his wife who had purchased Henry’s home in Whitmore Park when they moved out to their acreage.
Part of the reason for Bud’s purchase was the studio on the second floor. Bud too was an aspiring artist and had come in to ask for Henry’s help and some painting tips. Henry agreed to visit Bud and pass along some of his artistic skills and knowledge.
Even though Bud and Henry had both moved away from the east end of Regina, they
still attended mass at St. Mary’s on Sundays. Over the months they had become good friends and after Mass on Sundays they engaged in conversations.
It wasn’t until one Sunday when Eddy Zeigler attended church that he remarked to Henry that he was glad to see that he had become friends with his high school pal, Bud, along with John McBryne and that third boy, Peter.
Miene leiber Gott, Father said silently and shook his head. He would never forget the look on Henry’s face when Henry learned that he had become friends with another one of the boys that had harmed him and Jenny and who had taken Jenny to the park back in Grade 9.
Fortunately, Henry was more forgiving of Bud as he recalled Bud was the one in the car who had tried to encourage John and Pete to leave he and Jenny alone. Fortunately, Henry decided to bury the hatchet and forgive Bud as he had John.
Father momentarily thought of Peter and how Henry was dealing with that when his reverie was broken by Bud’s coughing and question, “Is there anything you want to ask me, Father?”
“Yes, yes, I am sorry. It seems to me that you are struggling with impure thoughts. Is that it, just impure thoughts or is there more to it than that?” Father probed, sensing there was more and at the same time trying not to reveal his knowledge of the magnitude of Bud’s sin from the past.
“Yes, Father, there is more.” Bud replied reluctantly. “I have been casually going out after work to the bar with a co-worker. Last time she joked about having a drink at a motel. I would have, if it had not been for the fact that I had to drive my son to his hockey game—”
“Is she married, too?”
“Yes, she is, Father.”
Father moved his head closer to the screen wanting to make certain he heard every word. “Have you had an affair, sexual relations, with her yet?”
“No, our last outing was the first time that it was suggested.”
“So, this is more serious than just impure thoughts.”
“Yes. Yes, it is, Father.”
“And your marriage, is it failing, or in any way the cause motivating you to do this?”
“No, Father—my wife and I get along fine and I love her very much… It’s just that I entertain these thoughts and give in to my temptations.”
Father fell silent for a brief moment, asking the Holy Spirit to guide him in his words to this man who was not only troubled, but in grave trouble.
“Adultery is a serious sin, my son. It’s a breaking of your marriage vow to be faithful to your spouse. It can only lead to more sin and put your marriage and family in jeopardy and all for a fleeting moment of pleasure.”
“Yeah,” whispered Bud almost inaudibly, “I feel so guilty and ashamed I can’t look at myself in the mirror.”
“It all begins with your thoughts, which lead to feelings and then actions. Passion, sexual desires, impure thoughts are a great temptation and if one is not careful, one can quickly become a slave to one’s thoughts. We must come up with a plan to deal with our thoughts before our feelings are aroused. We must have new thoughts and be prepared. You are sorrowful, now, but as soon as you go out into the world, you will be bombarded by sex all around you again and if you are not prepared to deal with it, you may soon again fall prey to it. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Father. I pray about it, but it doesn’t seem to help. It also doesn’t help the way women dress: short skirts, open blouses, and tight sweaters and slacks. They almost encourage men.”
“Society has taught us to behave this way, to be, as you say, sexy. To wear this or that. This is a tough world we live in. But we must be tougher and use the intelligence God gave us to be cleverer than all this exposure of sex that is inflicted upon us.”
“So, how do you deal with it? Like I said, prayer doesn’t work.”
“First, my son, you must really want to deal with it, to desire to stop this more than your desire to think or engage in it. Can you really commit yourself to a plan to deal with this?”
Father recalled putting this very question to Bud several months ago and, yet, he’d returned even worse off.
“Yes, Father, I really want to. I came too close last time to making a really big mistake.”
“Yes, that would have been a big mistake, but it’s all the little mistakes leading up to it that we must deal with. Toying with impure thoughts, lusting after women, desiring another’s wife, watching sexual movies or reading books with sexual content and so on. This is the way we become slaves to our passions. Remember, thoughts lead to arousal of sexual feelings and once it gets into that arena it is very difficult to stop us from sinful actions.”
“But what can I do, Father?” Bud asked helplessly.
“We must transform our minds, always have a plan in place and change the way we think about women. They are not objects, to be used for sexual gratification.
“Begin to look upon women as beautiful children of God, not as commodities for our entertainment or gratification. See them as your sister in Christ or as your daughter and think about how you would like to see them be respected by men. Pray to Mary, our Holy Mother for a pure mind. Visualize her standing behind or beside women you see. Remember, sex belongs in the marriage setting. There, it is a safe, loving experience. There, you are free to carry out what God intended. You must continually change your thought pattern and break the habit that has such a stronghold on you.”
“Yeah, it’s like I’m still a teenager and haven’t grown up.”
Father paused for a moment. “Yes, it is a matter of maturing and becoming more responsible in the thoughts we allow ourselves to think about. You are not alone, Bud, in these thoughts. Temptations and amoral thoughts confront man all the time—it’s how we deal with them that is vitally important.
“Every time a temptation comes along, don’t panic. Instead, give thanks and praise to God and He will give you the strength that you need.”
Bud raised his eyebrows and looked at Father through the screen. “Give thanks for temptation?”
“Yes, temptation can be seen as a wonderful gift from God as an opportunity to do good and follow His will. You must activate your will. It’s a moment of choice, an exercise in free will. But once you chose to follow His will, then always choose His strength over yours, it will renew your spirit. As I asked you before, if you really want to overcome this thing and grow more responsibly, don’t rely on your will power alone. You know the results to that.
“If you choose the Lord’s strength you will grow in character and confidence and strength. You will walk in a manner that glorifies God. Just as you want your children to obey you and do good, so too as a child of God you want to obey Him and improve the world. You will be proud of yourself and you will just naturally praise the Lord as you see His power work through you. ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me’ is a powerful scripture. It is at such a time, my son, you can gain freedom.”
Father paused for a few moments, allowing what he said to sink in and then added, “This is not to say we should go out of our way to be tempted. But to recognize the opportunity you have to seize the moment and make Jesus smile and your heart glad. His Holy Spirit is there to help you, to give you strength. But you must ask, give Him your permission or else He won’t infringe upon your free will.”
“I never thought about it in that way, Father. I know my way sure doesn’t work. I usually end up giving in to my thoughts.”
“To also help you draw on the strength of the Lord, it helps to keep reminding yourself that you are a married man. Think, do you want self-gratification over being loyal to your wife and family? If you choose for self you gain a fleeting moment of pleasure, but can you honestly look into your wife’s eyes after and say, ‘I honoured the vow we made’? Can you look into your son’s eyes and say, ‘I am a committed father’ and be an example to him? And, as you said, you don’t want to look in the mirror and see what you are ashamed o
f.
“Look down at your ring. Do you remember the vow you made to your wife when she gave you that ring?”
Bud’s heart beat faster and the hand holding his wedding band glistened as his fingers trembled in the dim light. He couldn’t answer, yet Father heard him. The odour of Bud’s tears was answer enough.
“These are the thoughts you must think about, not how to go to bed with another man’s wife. You must lead others, be an example. We so need mature people of strength and character in this world. Others will see you and respect you for how you speak about and act with women. You will help others in this way without even realizing it. Perhaps there are many men at work who are failing in their marriage, too. If they see you as strong and committed, it will help them just as I’m helping you. Remember, the blind cannot lead the blind lest they both fall in the ditch. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Father, thank you, this will help. I know I need to pray more and seek God’s help. And … what keeps coming through Father, is that I need to think and act my age and be a good example.”
“Did you know, my son, that God needs you as much as you need Him to make a better world? Every choice you make either hinders or improves the earth. Because you have free will, you are called upon to be a collaborator with the good Lord. That’s why it’s so important as you said, to be a good example to others and make mature, wise, godly choices, and call on His help.”
A long silence fell as each man thought about those words.
Father broke the stillness. “You know, there is one thing, which you may already be doing in your marriage and I often wish I would have done more of it when I was married to my Anna.”
Bud looked at Father through the wooden grille and saw tears roll down his cheeks.
The Angelic Occurrence Page 8
