by A. M. Brooks
Colt’s eyes snap to mine before roaming over my face and down to my shoes, the color deepening, and I get a fearful feeling it’s as if he’s trying to take this moment and store it in his memory. “You should still go to Alabama. They have a great program for the classes you wanted. Don’t change because I did. You should still go.”
My hand swipes the tears that start rolling down my cheeks. “Fine. And then what? Can I write you? Can we visit each other when you’re on leave?” I’m bargaining at this point. My stomach wants to roil at how clingy I sound, but I’m desperate. I love him. And love does stupid things to people who think they’re about to lose someone or something very important to them.
His head turns, and I watch his throat bob. “Yeah. We can write.”
“Okay,” I sniffle. “Can you hold me now?”
In two strides, Colt’s arms wrap around me. My own hold tightens to his middle as if I can anchor him to me and stay in this moment until everything is better. Until the sadness and betrayal evaporate, and I’m not left feeling torn apart. I need Colt. For once, I actually understand what The Weeknd was talking about, love does “fuck you up more than drugs ever will.”
Chapter Seven
Lyric
10 weeks later…
Colt.
His last letter arrived, and at the bottom, he only signed his name. A piece of my heart cracks, breaks off then dissolves into ash in my blood stream. He’s pushing me away. It’s been over two months. The summer is gone, and autumn is starting to make itself known. Time has become a literal clock with every colorful leaf that pops up and the temps that start to get lower at night. Some friends have started leaving for college and are holding last hurrahs at our favorite places.
Like Colt asked, I’m keeping my spot at the University of Alabama. Momma’s been packing for me all week before shipping all my things down there. Since they frown on freshman having vehicles, my dad bought me a one-way ticket. My plane leaves in two days. That was the absolute last flight I could get. Part of me was still hoping to see Colt before I left. Even though it makes me feel weak, I’m only keeping this plan because he asked me to and it was our plan together.
Right after he and Zane reported for basic training, I started writing him. His first few letters were long and he explained that mail had to be earned and takes forever to get. He told me not to expect things to move too fast. In the past few weeks, his letters became nothing more than a few sentences. He never responded to my question about where he’ll be stationed either. I made sure to tell him I decided to still go away to college, even though the idea gives me nightmares. I haven’t slept since Colt left. Anytime someone mentions Alabama, I break out in hives. But I keep it all to myself. My parents have expressed their resentment toward Colt while Camryn coddles me as if my puppy ran away. Things are better when his name is just not mentioned. Even my siblings are tiptoeing around me these days.
Wiping under my eyes, I shove the letter into my bag and walk faster to meet the girls for brunch. Tonight we’ll go to the bonfire party with our group of friends, our last time getting together before we head off in different directions. Of course I’m the last to arrive. Camryn and Jamie Lynn already have their iced lattes and are looking over the menu. I hope I can fake eating enough without them questioning me.
I sit and we order. My smile never falters while they talk excitedly about their respective universities and move-in weekend plans. The pile of stones in my stomach builds higher and higher until my knuckles turn white around my mug of tea. My tongue feels like sandpaper in my mouth and my eyes threaten to water again.
“Have you heard from Colt this week?” Camryn asks, shooting me a knowing look. My best friend is too smart for her own good sometimes.
I manage a small smile. “He finished basic and will be stationed in Colorado,” I repeat back the information I’ve received in my letter today before the cold send off.
“Girl, I don’t know how you’re doing it. If Mason did that without telling me, I’d have chewed him out and made him grovel.” Jamie Lynn flicks her wrist. My heart squeezes at her words. I don’t know why I’m so worried about what my friends think, but I can’t help thinking they make sense at the same time.
“We did fight. I just know this means a lot to him, so I’m trying to be supportive,” I answer, biting my lip against the pain these words cause.
“You are the world’s most supportive girlfriend,” Camryn responds, her hand touching mine gently.
“Besides, it’s not like I can’t ever transfer later,” I shrug, trying to keep things light on my end. They share a look between them.
“Did he ask you to transfer yet? If he knows where he’s going, maybe you could head there next semester.”
My smile falters. I don’t recover quickly enough for them not to see it. Slowly, I shake my head no. Jamie Lynn gets up to sit in the booth with me, wrapping her arms around me. I crumble. The rest of our lunch is spent cheering me up and I carve another notch in my growing totem pole of guilt.
“What time will you be home?” Momma calls from the kitchen while I’m putting my shoes on. After brunch today, I’ve done my best to shake off my mood and still want to go to the bonfire party tonight. I’ve wallowed the whole summer. I deserve to have fun tonight and relax. Maybe even dance. It will be months until I see my friends again for the holidays.
“I’ll try and be home by one,” I tell her, pecking her cheek, while I slip on my jean jacket.
“Don’t rush,” she laughs lightly, “just enjoy tonight, okay? This time goes by so quick.”
I nod at her and give her the best smile I can, before grabbing my keys and heading out the door. My phone beeps in my pocket, right as I get in.
Camryn: We need chips. Can you stop?
Lyric: Yup! I’m just leaving now so I have time to stop.
Camryn: Perfect! See you soon.
Sighing, I turn toward town and head out of my driveway. In my rearview, I see lights on at Colt’s and my heart thumps painfully. Mr. Street is rarely home these days. I’ve heard rumors about his drunken escapades at the local bars. I’ve thought many times about checking in on him, then I remember the shiner and bloody lip Colt was sporting that night and I change my mind.
The grocery store is quiet, with only a few cars parked in the lot. I run in quick and grab some of the known favorite chip flavors off the shelves. For my favorite cheese ones, I stand on my tiptoes to reach the bag. Right before my balance gives out, I feel a hand on my back.
“I sometimes forget how short you are,” Zane says behind me. I whirl suddenly, and almost topple over. I haven’t heard from him since graduation. While Colt has been easing out of my life, Zane made himself scarce from the beginning. The little fuck didn’t even write while he was at basic, even after I wrote him.
“I’m not short, you’re just freakishly tall,” I say, before remembering my righteous anger. I turn on my heel and begin to walk away. He catches up to me in three strides, his hand cupping my elbow. This time I turn and really look at him. In the past few weeks, he’s bulked up. His hooded sweatshirt stretches across his chest and his skin looks tan like he’s spent hours outside. His usual blond locks are gone, the hair on his head shaved short. He looks mature and older than when he left.
“Lyric, I’m sorry, okay?” His voice goes gentle. “I know I should have said something. I just didn’t know how at the time. I didn’t know how to help Colt when all he had asked me for was to keep quiet.”
“If you didn’t want to betray him, fine, I get it. You could have helped him tell me then. I felt like an idiot not knowing everything we’d planned just flipped and no one seemed to care that I got hurt,” I tell him, weeks of frustration coming back in full force and knocking my intentions to put it behind me for the night go out the window. Maybe I will be drinking tonight.
“You’re right,” Zane nods his head, chewing on his bottom lip. “I was wrong. I could have done more. At least you guys can talk about it t
onight, right?”
My heart stops. My eyes jump up to Zane’s. “What?”
His own gaze flies over my face, the color slowly draining from my complexion must clue him in to how I’m feeling. “I thought he told you.”
“He’s home?” The question falls out of my mouth and hangs between us. Zane’s shoulders bunch, and for the first time, he looks angry.
“I thought he told you.” He shakes his head, eyes falling to the ground. “We got back this morning. We get a week before we have to report to our bases.”
“Where are you being stationed?” I ask, curious, and, once again, the last to know.
“Texas,” he replies quietly. I look up to see he’s watching me carefully.
I nod, and despite the tears clouding my vision, I manage to walk away. Zane doesn’t chase me this time. I pay for the chips and get in my car, my foot a lead weight on the gas pedal the whole drive out of town.
The party is in full swing when I get there. Tim and Mason have outdone themselves with the bonfire. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a fire hazard. People stand around chatting and holding red Solo cups. A few girls dance off to the side while other groups chill on their tailgates. Camryn rushes up to me. One look at her face tells me all I need to know; Colt’s here.
Chapter Eight
Lyric
Like a whipped puppy, my eyes search him out. It doesn’t take long to find him. He’s holding court next to the fire, a crowd of people gathered around him. Most of them are girls I don’t recognize, and my jaw clenches. From here I can see that, like his best friend, my boyfriend has also filled out and muscled up. His jaw looks sharper, his face hard like granite. The tan on his skin makes him look even more delicious and I silently berate myself for lusting over him. His hair is also shorter. Not as buzzed as Zane’s, but the long pieces that used to fall in his eyes are now gone.
Time and distance are meaningless to Colt and me. He feels my gaze on him, and right away, his midnight eyes find mine. I startle at the void staring back at me, and my feet inch forward. Colt’s gaze snaps away from mine when one of the girls steps close to him and points to his arm. He lifts his sleeve and examines the tattoo that is now etched into his skin. My brow rises at the change. I move closer to him, needing to be in his space so this empty feeling will go away.
“Colt,” I say his name, trying to grab his attention from the bimbo between us. In the past, no girl has ever held his attention if I was around. Dread fills my stomach.
He finally looks at me and nods his head. “Sup’ Taylor.”
Taylor. “When did you get back?” I ask, forcing him to say the words.
His eyes flicker briefly with regret before he shuts it down and stares back with the same lifeless looking gaze as before. His shoulders lift. “This morning.”
“Were you going to tell me? Your letter didn’t even mention it,” I keep going. I’m not oblivious to the small amount of attention we’re getting. I see Zane slide up next to Camryn and Tim, concern pulling at his lips.
“There isn’t much to say,” Colt responds, pushing the knife deeper into my heart, all the way to the hilt.
“Guess I’m just not worthy of your time then,” I say, nodding to the other girl he was talking to earlier. Anger like I’ve never felt grows in my chest and I need to get out of this space before I do something I’ll regret.
Red clouds my vision yet somehow, I make it to the edge of the trees and then make a break for my car.
“Lyric, wait,” Colt calls, as he catches up to me.
“What are we doing, Colt?” I demand, spinning back to face him. I don’t bother to hide the emotional breakdown that’s been brewing in the weeks he’s been gone.
“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just,” his hands come up to his head and slide around his neck, “I think it’s best if we break up now. We’re in such different places in our lives. It’s best for both of us if we don’t hold on any longer.”
“You don’t mean that.” I back up, my head shaking in denial. I swear I feel my heart split in two, the pain inside my chest so intense, that it’s difficult to breathe. “What happened? How did this happen? We had plans, Colt! You asked me to change my life for you and I did because I love you. What are you scared of? What aren’t you telling me?”
“Lyric, stop!” He pulls away and it’s then I notice my fingers are holding the front of his shirt. “I just can’t, okay? I need to be on my own. I want to be away from everyone’s expectations. This town is nothing but shadows for me. I don’t need it. I don’t need anyone. I want to break up.”
My feet shuffle back and away from the person in front of me. Gone is the man who loved me unconditionally. Who trusted me, who I gave every part of myself to, thinking we were going to be together forever. Shock. I think that’s what I’m feeling. I scramble to get into my car and drive off before he can say more hurtful things. I need this part to be over, so we can move on.
I put as much space between my taillights and Colt as I can before I break down. These waves of emotions have become almost as familiar as breathing to me now. My back bows and my shoulders hunch, as if my body is physically trying to protect my heart from the pain threatening to eat it alive. I make it back to my house safely, despite the mascara running down my face and the shuddering in my stomach. I’ve never been happier for the house to be completely dark. Sliding into my bed tonight is the escape I’ve been looking for.
“Lyric, breakfast is ready,” Kyler calls from the bottom of the stairs. I slip my hand out from under my comforter and reach for my phone. My eyes burn from crying myself to sleep, yet they still manage to sting again when I see no missed calls or texts from Colt. Stupidly, I had thought he would come after me last night. We rarely fight. But everything has changed now. There is something I’m missing and I refuse to walk away without knowing what it is.
I roll out of my covers to shower. There is no way I’ll be able to stomach breakfast, so I take my time and hope my family doesn’t wait for me. One look in my bathroom mirror is enough to make me aware that I look like I’ve been run over by a freight train. My eyes are puffy, my cheeks red and raw from being wiped, even my nose is tinged red and flared.
My gaze stays locked on my packed suitcase waiting in the corner, taunting me, while I throw on some leggings and the hoodie I stole from Colt last winter. My fingers itch to grab my phone, but my mind is telling me this needs to happen in person. I can’t leave for college without answers, without the truth. I’m not buying Colt’s break-up speech. Maybe that’s just me being over emotional or clingy, but I know this boy better than I know myself. I felt his love. I was the focus of his attention in every scenario while we planned a future together. He better be ready for a fight because I refuse to get on that plane without his truth.
Somehow I manage to slip past my family and into my car. I can’t deal with their questions or the talks about moving on. I love them, but they don’t get it. They don’t know how I feel or that Colt and I are different. His truck isn’t at home and I’m guessing everybody stayed at Mason’s last night since his place is within walking distance. I head back toward where the party was. Seeing Colt’s truck still parked there gives me instant relief.
The door opens easily and I let myself in. Bottles and cans litter the floor; it smells like stale beer and bad decisions in here. I instantly recognize Zane passed out on one of the couches, snoring loudly, and hold in a laugh. Voices carry from the kitchen. I hold my breath, ready to head into battle, when movement at the bedroom door catches my eye. Colt steps out. My eyes widen because he’s wearing only his boxers, and so much skin and muscle is on display. I miss him. I miss lying under all that while he plays with my hair and kisses me until I can’t breathe. My brain melts. My eyes don’t do anything but stare.
“Lyric,” he says my name in surprise, laced with a tinge of guilt that makes my eyes jump to his face, before sliding behind him. The girl from the bonfire slides out of the room, stopping to look
between us. She’s wearing the t-shirt he had on last night and her hair is messy. Her eyes drop to the floor and she scurries to the bathroom.
Heartbeats pass between us, but I can’t bring myself to look at him. I’m crying again and pissed at myself for coming here.
“You slept with her?” My voice sounds hoarse and not at all mine. I hate it. I don’t want to feel weak in front of him right now.
Colt opens his mouth to say something before closing it. His head drops down and that’s all the answer I need.
For the third time, I walk away from Colt. Only this time, any hopes or dreams of him coming after me, chasing me, burn up in flames. I think I might die from this broken heart. Somehow, though, I make it back to my house.
“Lyric?” Momma stops me on my way up the stairs. “Sweetheart, are you okay?”
I should smile and put on a brave face, only I can’t. Everything in me crumbles with every sob that tears out of my throat. Momma moves fast, catching me in her arms and walking me up to my room. I don’t stop her as she removes my shoes and cradles me on my bed. Her fingers comb through my hair while she lets me just be.
“I feel like I’m dying,” I whisper into her shoulder, where my fingers grip her shirt tightly.
She chuckles softly. “You aren’t, I promise.”
“How can he leave me? Why did he end things this way after everything?”
“I wish I could make this better for you, love. I wish I had the answers. All I can say is that Colt has had demons for a long time. I like the kid and I’m happy he was your first boyfriend. He treated you right, which is all your dad and I could ask for. Whatever his reasons are, it has nothing to do with you, Lyric. You are smart and funny and beautiful. You’re kind to everyone and you work hard in everything you do,” she croons into my hair.
