‘Something else I remember from way back. You said what was the point of all this talking? I wonder what you think about that now.’
‘We never talked in our family. I was afraid to say anything much in case Mum got upset. Dad never talked much either. Guys like him who’ve been in Westport all their lives, well they don’t. Not about personal stuff. They talk about fishing and rugby and how the government hasn’t done enough for the Coast. But it wasn’t only my family. All my friends, everyone in town, knew about Gracie and about Mum being sick and having to go away. But nobody said anything so I couldn’t either. It was like I had this really ugly scar on my face that everyone saw but pretended wasn’t there, like they’d look at you like they didn’t want to see that scar but they couldn’t help themselves sneaking little looks.’
‘That’s a very apt description, Beth.’
‘Yeah, but you know it’s so weird because nothing’s changed. Gracie’s still lost and everything is the same but I feel like I’ve got another chance.’
‘You’ve done very well today.’
A shuddering breath inwards. ‘Yeah, but it’s hard.’
She’s nearly ready. Another week, maybe two and she’ll be gone.
19.
They’re at the table. Stephanie, Liam, Jonny and his partner, Ana, as well. She hasn’t met Minna yet and she’s nervous, glancing at the door and fiddling with her hair.
So typical of Minna, keeping them waiting nearly half an hour. It wasn’t all that easy to get everyone together either. Liam said he wouldn’t go; he hasn’t had much at all to do with Minna in the past years so why should he go to all the trouble of rearranging his life to have dinner with her? And if that guy she’s got herself hooked up with is coming, no way he’ll be there. Though Jonny was okay about turning up – he thought Ana should meet his mother – he said he wouldn’t go if Liam wasn’t happy about it. Jonny’s easier with the situation, he was always closer to Dave and it didn’t hurt him quite so much when Minna left. But Jonny and Liam look out for each other; the loyalty between them is unwavering. Still, in the end, after phoning, negotiating, rearranging, they both agreed. Stephanie found a night that suited them all, told Minna Liam wouldn’t come if Steve was there.
Minnia struts into the restaurant in her neatly fitting silk velvet jacket, her slim, long skirt, her elegant black boots and the glimmer of silver jewellery. You can’t help but look at her. Nobody would ever say about Minna she’s well preserved implying some sort of forlorn hankering after youth. Her skin is lustrous, her body sleek and her dark hair shiny and streaked deep mahogany. She looks close to fifty and she looks wonderful.
But Jesus, they’re both here. Steve follows her in and they’re smiling, heading directly towards the table. Stephanie glances quickly at Liam, whispers across the table, ‘I did tell her.’ He’s glowering, mutters he’s leaving.
But Minna is all such enchantment and lovely motherhood, knows exactly what she’s doing, going directly to Liam, kissing his cheek, placing her arms firmly around him sweetheart you look fantastic. She introduces Steve to Liam first so he really has no choice but to shake hands. Stephanie watches Liam’s face, sees how his eyes which were so unyielding just moments ago have softened, sees how his body has become a fraction less rigid as Minna rests her hand on his arm. What did Grandad used to say? Mum’s boy, you’re certainly Mum’s boy, aren’t you, Liam? Minna turns to the rest of them, embraces Jonny, says how marvellous it is to meet Ana at last. Now Stephanie. Steph. Oh Stephie.
She does it so well. Although she’s become sharper and more polished she always had it, this ability to disarm and draw people in. She went up to Wellington, did the business course and now she’s successful, owns an employment agency. No doubt she’d be good at it, Stephanie thinks wryly, she’d use every scrap of charm to get people onside, get her own way. That smile she’s now bestowing on them all you love me don’t you? you can’t help it can you? That set of her chin, the etched cheekbones, the elegant little body: slender wrists and narrow hips, her flat, sparse shoulder blades. She’ll win them over. She’d win anyone over. Look at Steve. He’s younger than her by quite a few years, attractive and articulate, the type that could have any woman at all hanging off his arm. But they look good together. Stephanie has to be honest about it; they look very good together. He’s a property developer. She can imagine their lives; all cappuccinos, exhibition openings and froth.
Minna orders wine. She edges closer to Steve, showing him the wine list that Pinot darling, what was it? I wonder if it’s here, oh yes, great, here it is, you’re all going to love this, I promise, yes two bottles and what about some bread and oil first? It’s so great to see you, my grown-up children, you all look marvellous, Steve, don’t they look marvellous?
Oh yes. Minna’s come a long way since Wanaka.
She’s placed herself beside Liam, touches his arm from time to time, laughs at what he says. He’s already smitten, his eyes drinking her in. Steve’s beside Ana asking her what she does, where she works, listening intently, asking more questions. The wine comes, the bread and oil, and Minna offers it to Liam to Jonny to Ana to Stephanie, tasting, nodding her head mmm this really is good, great choice coming here, thanks Steph.
Now they’re talking about Jonny’s job, Steve and Minna drawing him out I just fell into accountancy, I suppose. Did commerce at varsity, my friends were doing it, that was a lot to do with why I chose it, but accountancy’s a lot more interesting than I thought it’d be. Liam starts to talk as well. He’s a fraction wary still but Stephanie can see in his eyes just how much he wants Minna’s approval. He’s working for a building firm I’m not like Jon and Steph. Not academic. Did a year at varsity, passed everything but I didn’t like it, hated it if you want to know the truth. I mucked around for a bit then started working on a building site and I liked that, I’m just about through my apprenticeship.
Minna’s listening, responding, that’s great Liam, there’s always plenty of work for a good builder. Steve joining in, they’re desperate for builders in Oz, good money too and now Liam’s talking about owning his own business, not for a while of course, but it’s what he wants, he’s been thinking of doing a small business course at the poly when he’s through. Steve’s saying, great, great Liam, go for it. If you ever want anyone to bounce ideas off, if you ever want anything at all in the way of advice just don’t hesitate, right? I’ve been in this game a long time and I’d be only too happy to help.
Ana’s gazing at Minna and Steve; Stephanie can tell she’s mesmerised. The clothes, the easy charm. Steve in his black turtleneck and jeans is the kind of guy you’d look at twice, no doubt about it, and anyone can see Minna’s got him well and truly hooked. He touches her shoulder, takes her hand, oh he’s head over heels with Minna all right.
Soup. They all have it. Seafood chowder; thick, rich, crammed with mussels, prawns, chunks of blue cod and the bread is dense and white and delectable. Minna says she could hardly eat another thing but she’s obviously enjoying her pasta and Steve and Jonny and Liam have steaks good, it’s really good. Stephanie ordered the fritters, zucchini and pumpkin. She’s cuts off a small piece every minute or so, spears it with her fork, places it into her mouth.
How can they be so charmed by her, so civilised and pleasant and animated, how could they when she abandoned us all, hurt us, and then comes swooping into our lives maybe once every five or six years pretending everything’s okay? How can they?
So why did she go out of her way getting it all set up, the phone calls, the arrangements? She’s as bad as them. Why did she do it, what does she want from this? Wants the boys to tell her off? Wants Minna rejected? Wants Minna to love her? Oh fuck, what does she want? Because she’s here at the table of her own free will. She knows she looks sullen, sounds terse. How’s work, Steph? Fine thank you. Everything okay with your meal, Steph? Of course it is. What does she want from Minna? What could she possibly still want? And how could she possibly think anything she wanted coul
d be forthcoming? Minna’s disappointed her; over and over and over she’s disappointed her.
She’s just over thirty, a qualified doctor, so close to becoming a qualified psychiatrist. Successful in just about anyone’s books. Yet she recognises what she sees in Liam’s eyes as her own yearning. Because if she’s totally honest, she longs for Minna’s approval, longs for her to say you’re looking good Steph and mixed with that is this rage, rage, rage where were you for Greg’s birthdays where were you when Liam cried for you every night, where were you when Jonny broke his ankle, where were you when I graduated, where were you where were you where were you?
And rage at how careless Minna was, how unforgivably casual just watch Gemma, would you Steph? I have to pop out for a bit.
Leave it. It’s over. End of story. End of story.
Minna forks slivers of broccoli and pasta smothered with blue cheese sauce into her mouth and she smiles and talks and she watches her children they’ve done okay, they’re fine Liam’s a bit distant he was always a bit like that all over her like a puppy or cross and hurt because of something or other, he’ll get over it, he’ll be okay. Jonny’s doing well and Ana’s all right, a bit shy, a bit quiet but she’s quite a pretty girl, obviously bright, teaches high school, they’ll probably make a match of it, they suit each other well enough.
But Stephanie. Jesus, Steph. For one thing she looks terrible, she’s a good-looking girl but Christ she needs a haircut and her clothes, that skirt and jacket they don’t even fit her and that awful beige like cold porridge, and flat shoes, boring shoes. Christ, Stephanie, do you want to look like a middle-aged woman? Do you have to dress like a nun in street clothes?
What is it with her? Okay she left her, left them all, but it was self-survival, if she’d stayed she wouldn’t have been any good to anyone, would have gone mad, it never was any good with Dave, never really even when they got married, you didn’t live together first you couldn‘t, not in places like Wanaka, it was all dressing up and Saturday night dates and best behaviour then you got all excited about the ring and the dress, what you’d get your bridesmaids to wear and then you were married, it was supposed to be forever and he was just about a stranger, you were expected to cook and clean for a stranger and there wasn’t much dressing up any more no more best behaviour she was only nineteen, pregnant already, they had to let her dress out at the last minute. Nineteen for God’s sake. Twelve years younger than Steph is now. Can’t she see that? Can’t she understand? Isn’t she supposed to be a bloody head doctor?
Stephie. Oh, she wishes they could be closer, really wishes it, wishes she and Steph could go out together do girly stuff have coffee, have lunch and shop, she’d love to get her some really nice things, tell her how to get her hair done, she has the same hair as her, thick and dead straight, it has to be cut right, you’d think she could have worked that out for herself by now.
Gemma had it too, no baby curls. Steph and Gemma, they were so alike, she used to take out their baby photos, lie them side by side on the table, like peas in a pod, could have been twins. Gemma. Christ, oh Christ Gemma. She loved her, loved that wee girl, maybe if it hadn’t been for all that she’d have stayed. But she tried, she really tried, she and Dave, they both did. All the time she was in labour that last time, all that time all she could think about was having another wee girl but then it was Greg and he was a nice enough kid, cute and smart, but she couldn’t get over him not being Gemma, she just couldn’t take to him and in the end she had to get out she just had to. One day she came that close to hitting Greg, really hitting him, she was crying, she was always crying then. Dave understood. He put his arms around her when she told him, just stood holding her. He knew. They’d tried everything and it wasn’t going to work.
She loved the kids. Course she loved them but she could barely manage to look after herself back then. She thought about taking one of them, but which one? Anyway she couldn’t break up the family, couldn’t make them lose anyone again not after everything that had happened. She tried to keep in touch but she had to listen to what Dave said about the kids getting upset every time she phoned and then other things took over, the course she did at the polytech, her job, starting the business, then Steve. Not that she has to justify it. Look at them all, they’ve turned out okay and anyway there’s no point in going over and over all that old stuff. All anyone can do is just the best you can and get on with it.
What do you do when your kid gets lost? There’s never a day goes by that she doesn’t think of her. A girl goes by, a dark shining fringe, shining eyes, about the age Gemma would have been and it’s Gemma, it’s Gemma and she knows it’s crazy, she knows it is, but what she thinks is it could be Gemma, it could be. But even if it was, Gemma wouldn’t know her anyway, she’d never even know it was her own mother there on the street.
So what do you do? You could go crazy with grief, you could stay how she was in those months after she was lost when all she could think of was wanting Gemma back and the pain was so immense like a tumour growing, growing, filling her, taking her over, that pain twisting and twisting in her gut.
Grief. Grief and guilt. That thing Gemma used to do. When she was tired. Wanting attention. She’d stand there with her hands outstretched, her fingers grabbing into the air. Stand there shouting. Mummy Mummy Mummy Mummy Mummy.
It was the night before Gemma got lost. She was busy, cooking dinner and Gemma wanted to be picked up, wanted attention. Mummy Mummy Mummy Mummy Mummy.
She snapped at her. Gemma stop it right now, stop acting like a baby.
That other thing. She was young, stupid. Okay it should never have happened, would have been over within six months, she thought she loved him, she left the kids too much, left Stephanie in charge.
The day they lost Gemma. She was watching him when she should have been watching her kids. But okay, she made a mistake. Jesus, every mother makes mistakes, makes them all the time much worse than her and they don’t lose their kids do they? You could say it was your fault and feel guilty for the rest of your life, never get past it, but what good would it do?
What the fuck good would that do?
Nobody wants dessert. They order coffee. The conversation has started to lag, they’ve become silent. It’s late, they’re tired, there’s work the next day. They’ve all been so polite and well behaved and it’s all turned out so much better than could possibly have been expected. But they’ve all tried too hard for too long. Steve says they’re all welcome to come and stay in Wellington any time, plenty of room I mean it, guys, we mean it don’t we Minna? He wraps his arm around Minna’s shoulder and she agrees, brightly smiling we’d love it.
Minna and Steve’s hotel is not far away, just around the corner, so they can walk back. Liam calls on his cell phone for a taxi the rest of them can share. ‘It’ll be here in five minutes,’ he says.
Minna kisses Jonny and Liam and hugs Ana. ‘Look after yourselves.’
She moves towards Stephanie. She’s wary, you can see it in her eyes. ‘Bye, sweetheart.’
Stephanie stands stiffly as Minna’s arms embrace her. She stands with Jonny and Liam and Ana as Steve and Minna walk off together up the street. There’s a haze of damp, grey drizzle and Steve snaps up an umbrella. Minna turns her head, smiling up at him, reaching for his arm.
20.
‘Hi Beth.’
‘You know, don’t you, that I’m leaving next Monday? I’ve been to the flat, got it all set up. I picked up some things from home, from Peter’s place, but I’ve got new things as well. I bought a bed and sheets and a duvet, nice things.’
‘Sounds like you’re really happy with it.’
She nods. ‘I’m still a bit scared, mind you. But I’ll be coming to day clinic twice a week and if I start feeling bad I can phone in.’
‘Good. You’ve got support if you need it, then.’
‘What I’m wondering is, will I see you any more?’ Her voice is anxious.
‘I don’t think you need to see me every week
. How do you feel about that?’
‘I want to see you sometimes.’
‘When you come into day clinic you’ll be working with different staff. I’ll still be involved, though, so I will talk with you from time to time.’
‘But it won’t be the same, will it?’ She’s moved forward in her chair and her expression is uneasy.
‘Not the same but isn’t that good? You’re moving on with your life, Beth. That’s what you’re doing right now with your flat and your plans.’
‘Yes but. I feel a bit panicked about not seeing you. Like, I’ve relied on that and now—’ She shakes her head.
‘Now you have to rely on yourself and what you’ve put in place?’
‘I’m going to be okay. I know I’m not getting sick again and I know I’m not like Mum. That’s what I want to talk about today. About Mum.’
‘Okay. Where should we start?’
‘I’m not blaming her. I’m not saying it’s her fault, nothing like that. I loved Mum. It just was always hard with her, that’s all.’
‘It was hard because she was sick so often?’
She’s silent then she looks directly up. ‘Even when I was quite little, her face always looked sad to me. I remember thinking my mum was different from the other mothers who turned up at the kindergarten picnics and things Mum never came to. But she was gentle and kind and she was really beautiful. I remember I liked that. I thought she was, you know, like a princess, like Snow White, dark hair and this beautiful face. She was tiny; not very tall and very slim. The other mothers seemed much bigger and they always looked to me like they could do anything at all.’
‘You felt your mum wasn’t strong?’
‘Yeah. I saw that from way back and I sensed, I suppose, that Dad had to kind of protect her. From me as well as everything else. I couldn’t have friends around and I couldn’t make a lot of noise. I had to go to bed early to give her a break. I didn’t have birthday parties with other kids. What happened is Dad would take me and Mum out somewhere. It wasn’t all that much fun but I used to have to pretend it was so no one would get upset.’
Hunting BLind: It's Every Family's Deepest Fear Page 14
