by Jerry Cole
“Austin?” Angela blinked back her surprise at the sight of Austin standing in the doorway. “What are you... are you here about Finn?”
“No,” Austin smiled and stepped in to hug Angela. She reluctantly accepted the hug. “I’m just here to drop off – about Finn?” There was something in Angela’s tone that Austin only just picked up on. “What happened to Finn?”
“That’s what I’d like to know.” Angela didn’t look happy. And not at the sight of Austin in her doorway, but the mention of Finn’s name. “I thought maybe you could shed some light on the subject.”
“No, I... I haven’t spoken to Finn in a couple of weeks.” Austin’s heart began to hammer in his chest. Was something wrong with Finn? “What’s... what’s going on?” He tried to sound as casual as possible.
“Standard Finn, is what’s going on,” Angela sighed. “First, he doesn’t turn up to see Zac when he’s supposed to. Then, he doesn’t return any of my phone calls for six weeks – does he know he has a son that wants to see him? Pah! I don’t know why I’m surprised!”
Austin bowed his head in guilt. Now he understood. “Yeah... maybe you haven’t heard,” he spoke softly, “But Finn and I—”
“And then he calls and tells me he’s moving to India!” Angela continued hotly. “That’s right! India! Doesn’t stop to consider how Zac might feel! Didn’t call or ask or... or anything! Seriously, sometimes I wonder about that man. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone so selfish! No offense.”
“India... Did you say...?” Austin didn’t hear anything Angela said after she dropped that word into the fray. “Did you say... he’s moving to India?”
“Tomorrow,” Angela nodded. “One-way ticket. Said he might be gone for years! And do you know what he said when I asked what he was going to tell Zac? Do you know what that prick said?”
Austin didn’t respond. He stared blankly ahead, ears ringing, head spinning, not even aware of where he was, or who he was talking to, or why he was here in the first place.
“He said he didn’t care! I could have slapped him I was so angry! Typical, typical Finn. I still haven't told Zac. I don’t know how. I just can’t...” Angela continued in that same vein for a while. Austin didn’t hear a word.
Finn was moving to India. Finn Connor, Austin’s Finn, was moving to India. Tomorrow. For an unforeseeable length of time. Without telling him. Finn was moving to India!
Austin didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know if he could believe it. Surely, Finn wouldn’t do that? Surely, Finn would have called or texted or... or something! Up until now, Austin had held on to some dull hope that maybe he and Finn would reconcile, get back together, laugh at this silly little period in which they had broken up. He had honestly imagined that one day, all of this would just be a bad dream.
That now seemed as likely as Austin growing wings and flying.
Up until right now, Austin had assumed that he had meant as much to Finn as Finn had to him, that their relationship was more than a fling or a little bit of fun. He had thought the two loved one another and that this would never die. Now though... now he didn’t know what to think.
Finn had never loved him. Finn only loved himself. And as for Austin? Well, to be perfectly frank, he was pissed.
Austin was so pissed in fact that right now, he could think of doing one thing and one thing only. He was going to drive to Finn’s apartment, knock down his front door and tell him exactly what he thought of him. Austin wasn’t sure what that was yet exactly, but he knew it wasn’t going to be pretty.
Chapter Twenty-Six
There was no doubt that Finn’s life had gotten significantly worse since leaving Austin. Even Finn couldn’t deny this most obvious of truths.
He was currently holed up in an airport hotel bedroom, trying to force himself to fall asleep, all the while knowing there was just no way that he would. And as he tried to will himself into slumber, as he shifted in the hard bed, threw the stiff blankets off his torso and punched at the flat pillow, he did all he could to come up with an answer for how it had all gone so terribly wrong.
When Finn was single, he had told himself he was happy. Fuck, he had told himself the lie so many times that he had actually believed it. But that wasn’t happiness. Happiness was what he had felt when he was with Austin. The best night of his life in the past year was one spent indoors, watching TV with Austin curled up beside him. It was quaint. It was boring. It was perfect.
Now, single again, Finn was forced to look back at this time spent with the man he loved and reflect on all the mistakes he had made. The biggest of course was his convincing of himself that being single was where it was at. The second was his using this as an excuse to leave Austin before he got hurt.
Ultimately, Finn was a man who was too scared to call his ex and tell him he was sorry. If he had done that six weeks ago, he’d probably be at Austin’s right now. But he hadn’t, so instead he was fleeing to India where he hoped to disappear in a sea of one billion people.
There would be no sleeping tonight. Finn knew that the moment he lay down on that most uncomfortable of beds. He tossed and he turned and he prayed for sleep. But deep down he knew he was in for a long one.
The sudden ringing of his cell phone had Finn sitting up. He was more curious than anything as his cell was a cheap prepaid one that he had bought two days ago, for emergencies. Only a handful of people had the number and none should have been calling him right now.
He rushed for the phone, and frowned at the caller ID. “Jimmy?” Finn answered the phone.
“What the hell, Finn?”
Jimmy Smoot was an old client of Finn’s that he had recently reconnected with, but only because the guy was now renting his old apartment. The move to India had happened so fast that Finn had actually forgotten that his lease still had another six months left. Thinking quickly, Finn had called every name he could think of, begging them to take the place. As luck had it, Jimmy was also in need.
“Me?” Finn balked at Jimmy. “It’s -- wait, what time is it?” Finn blinked himself awake. The room was dark, there was no clock to speak of and he had zero perception of time.
“It’s midnight,” Jimmy snapped. “So, tell me, why did I just now have a crazy person turn up at my brand-new apartment, just now looking for you?!”
“You had a... what are you saying?” Finn rubbed at his head.
“The fucking guy nearly broke the door down he was banging on it so hard. Then when I opened it, he comes and storms on in, acting like he owns the place – I just about called the fucking cops!”
Finn was on his feet now. “Someone came over – who?!”
“It was fucked! When you rented this place to me, you never said you’d have random men hammering on the—”
“Jimmy, will you shut the fuck up and tell me who it was!” Finn’s heart was pounding. There was only one person it could have been... but there was also no way.
“I didn’t get his name,” Jimmy groaned. “Once he saw you were gone, he apologized and left. Lucky for him too. I was just about to get the cricket bat out. You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Finn sighed. He knew Jimmy and knew that attacking someone with a cricket bat was the last thing he’d ever do. “Did he say anything? What did he look like?”
“I dunno. Skinny dude, blond hair – acted like you not being there was tantamount to the world ending. Fuck man, what the hell is going—”
“I’m sorry, Jimmy.” Finn could have put his hand through the wall! Austin was at his house. Why was Austin at his house? “That was... it’s not important. He won’t be back. I promise.”
“He better not be,” Jimmy warned. “Besides, I went and gave him your new number anyway. Told him to call you if he needed to be a dickhead at midnight. And that I’d call the cops on him again if—”
“What?!” Finn barked. His face suddenly felt flushed. His mouth suddenly felt dry. “You gave him my—”
Just then, Finn’s phone
started to beep; the indication that another call was coming through. Finn froze like he’d just stepped on a landmine.
“Finn? You there? Finn?” Jimmy barked down the line.
“Jimmy... I have to go. Don’t call me again.” Finn hung up the phone before Jimmy could protest.
As expected, another call was coming through. The number wasn’t saved, but Finn recognized it. It was a number he’d committed to memory five months ago; one he could recite in his sleep if he had to. It was Austin.
The phone vibrated in Finn’s hand, and he stared. It rang and rang and rang. And Finn stared.
He considered not answering. Then he considered answering but acting all aloof, like he didn’t know who it was. Then he considered answering, but not saying anything and just letting Austin think Finn wasn’t there. He considered so many different things. But then Finn realized something. They were all games. Game were what put Finn in this mess in the first place. He was through playing games.
“Austin.” Finn spoke as calmly and coolly as he could. His voice was soft, his tone was firm.
“What the fuck?!” Austin snapped on the other end of the line. Finn could just about feel the spray coming through the speaker. “Are you serious – tell me that you are serious?”
“How have you been?” Finn then tried, doing his best to disarm Austin.
“You’re leaving the country? You're actually leaving? Is this true – it has to be! I was at your apartment two minutes ago and some random answered the door. Said you didn’t even live there anymore!”
“That was Jimmy Smoot,” Finn continued with a wry smile. He loved the way Austin’s voice rose when he got all flustered. “I’m kind of subletting to him until the lease runs out. You know how fucking hard it is to cancel a lease in this count—”
“Can you just answer the fucking question.” Austin was calming down a little now. But he was clearly still infuriated. “Are you leaving the country or not?”
Finn hesitated. “I am.”
“And?” Austin pushed.
“And what?” Finn shrugged. He was sitting back down now, on the end of his bed, thanking all the gods he knew that this was a phone call and not a face to face.
Austin groaned on the other end of the line. “So that’s it? No phone call. No goodbye. No nothing. Just one day... you just pack your bags and leave. Just like that?”
Was Austin upset that Finn was leaving without saying goodbye? Or was he mad? And to either of those questions, why?
“I don’t...” Finn stammered. “I didn’t really think you’d want to know.”
“Fuck you.”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“I did.” There was pain in Austin’s voice. In a sick way, Finn was glad. At least he knew that the last six weeks hadn’t been easy on him either. “I just wanted to make sure you hadn’t meant to say duck. A sort of self-auto-correct.”
“Was that a joke?”
“Are you laughing?” Finn asked.
“I’ll say it one more time then. Just to make sure you did hear.” Austin’s temper was rising again. “Fuck you – after everything we went through. The least you could have done was call me and... and...”
“And what?” Finn stood up and as he did, his voice rose to meet it. Now, he was just a little angry. “What did you really expect? Was I just meant to call you after six weeks? ‘Hey Austin, long time no speak. FYI I’m moving to India. Nice knowing you.’ Is that what you really would have wanted here? The last time I checked, we’re not dating anymore Austin.”
“And whose fault is that.”
“Mine, obviously!” Finn blurted the truth before he could stop himself. “I mean...” he backtracked and then paused. “I thought we were broken up. I didn’t think I had to... I didn’t know I needed to tell you...” he finished softly.
The line went silent, but not because Austin hung up. Finn could just about see Austin’s mind racing to figure out what to say next. “It wasn’t your fault—”
“It was,” Finn cut him off.
“No, it wasn’t,” Austin spoke up.
“It was,” Finn said with more resolve. Strangely, it felt good to admit out loud too. It was freeing in a way. “I may as well admit it.”
“Well, maybe... maybe what you did before that was your fault. But really... our breakup – or whatever it was. That was on me.”
“Both of us.” Finn tried for an awkward chuckle. “I’m willing to compromise.”
“How generous,” Austin laughed on the other end.
“Well... you know me,” Finn added lightly.
There was another pause after that. The rage was gone now, replaced with a sort of melancholy that both men could feel. This was the first time either had admitted fault since the break-up. Fuck, it was the first time they’d spoken.
“Austin...” Finn started bravely. He had so much he wanted to say. Weeks of content he’d rehearsed a million times in his head. It was so easy when it was just in front of the mirror. Now though, it was like trying to regurgitate a digested meal. “... I’m... I’m glad you called.”
“Really?” Austin scoffed.
“I am,” Finn said assuredly. “Because... I want to say sorry.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I do. And not just for what I did. But for how it ended... and for this now, while you’re here. Honestly, everything I’ve done since that fucking night has been wrong. And at the very least, I owe you an apology.”
“Finn...” Austin sighed on the other end of the line. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
“And Finn,” Austin hurried as if there was even a chance Finn might hang up on him. “I wanted to say... I need to tell you...” He paused on the other end.
“Tell me what?” Finn held his breath as his mind raced. Of all the things that he wanted Austin to say, there was only one that really mattered. But there was no way...
“When you do come back, look me up.” Austin exhaled deeply. “You can tell me all about your travels.”
Finn smiled a genuine smile. It wasn’t what he had hoped Austin would say, but it was still nice to hear. “I will.”
“Promise?”
“Of course,” Finn laughed. “But the drinks will be on you. Now that you’re a big writer and I’m a poor beggar.”
“Ha!” Austin cackled. “But deal.”
Another pause. The conversation had come to its natural end and both men knew it. Unless either one of them had the balls to say what both were so clearly thinking, then there was nothing left to say. A shame really that Finn had lost his balls a long time ago.
“Well... I’ve got to get to sleep—”
“Right. Sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Finn assured him. “I’m glad you called.” And he meant it too.
“Even if it was to abuse you?”
“Especially because it was to abuse me.”
“I wish I’d done it sooner.”
“Yeah... well...” Finn didn’t know what to say. He wished he had too. Fuck, he wished he had weeks ago.
“See you around, Finn.”
“You too, Austin.”
A final pause and then the line went dead.
It was funny, but when the phone call with Austin ended, Finn put the phone down, lay back in bed and fell asleep almost immediately. It was by no means the conversation that he’d wanted to have with Austin, but it was the one he’d needed. The two men had both admitted fault, apologized and left their past in a neutral space. Finn still had feelings for Austin. That was undeniable. But there was a peace that came with knowing Austin didn’t despise him, or begrudge how he had acted. That peace was all Finn needed in the moment.
The next morning, Finn woke feeling the best he had in six weeks. He checked his phone right away, of course, just in case Austin had tried to call or text. He hadn’t, but Finn wasn’t surprised.
On the way to the airport, Finn finally sucked up the courage he’d
been lacking lately and called Zac. To his relief, his Zac answered immediately, and actually sounded relieved that he was calling.
“Dad!” he exclaimed excitedly down the line. “What the hell?!”
“Don’t swear,” Finn jokingly scolded.
“Hell isn’t a swear. A swear is something fu—”
“Watch it.”
Six weeks and the two hadn’t missed a beat. Strange to think that Finn was worried that he might have to start from scratch again. Clearly, he had completely underestimated his relationship with his son. Honestly, it was just lucky that he’d caught on early this time.
The two spoke; Finn explained why he hadn’t called and the reason he was leaving, and Zac, although upset, understood. Actually, the hardest part of the phone call came when Finn went to hang up and Zac said that he’d ‘miss him.’ Finn just about broke out in tears, but managed to squeeze out a mumbled yet sincere ‘I’ll miss you too.”
Finn was actually going to miss his son. And his son was going to miss him! For all the bad in Finn’s life right now, at least Finn would always have that.
The check-in was easy, and it was only when Finn finally went to board the plan that he was struck with that sudden, unnerving desire to not go through with it. He handed his ticket to the attendant and just stood at the entrance to the gate; one foot across the threshold, the other still in the airport.
He looked over his shoulder, across the airport and toward the terminals. For some reason, a part of him almost expected to see Austin. Never a fan of rom coms, he would have died if Austin had come charging through the airport to stop him, to declare his love, to ask him to stay so the two could be together.
But Austin didn’t do that. Neither of the two men were big on romantic gestures, which was a shame because at times like this the romantic gesture would have really come in handy.
Finn paused for a solid thirty seconds before he realized that he was living a fantasy. Austin had forgiven him for what he had done, but he wasn’t going to go any further than that.
