by Jillian Hart
“Oh, I’ve got a text message.” She pulled her phone out of her purse and studied it. “It’s from Danielle. I’m babysitting, per usual, on Friday night, and she said you would be welcome to come, too. I can’t imagine that would be your idea of a fun time, so I won’t hold you to it.”
“As a matter of fact I can’t think of a better way to spend a Friday night.” He slowed the truck and flicked on the turn signal. “I’d like to meet more of your family. Your niece and nephew sound great.”
“I adore ’em.” With her head bent and her hair falling softly to hide her face, she started typing a reply. “I’ll let Danielle know it’s a possibility.”
There was a break in traffic and he turned into the complex. He had decided during supper tonight that he had to tell Rebecca the truth. He owed her that much. No, he owed her more than that. But how did he bring up such a painful subject?
Worse, how did he bring up something he knew might make her reject him? If she did that, then she would break more than his heart. He was all in; he had never felt tenderness so profound as the love he had for her.
“You do know what this means, don’t you?” She looked up from her phone. “You and I have plans every night this week, including a family thing on Sunday.”
“We’re going to have to face what this is, you know.” He risked a glance at her. “Apparently my no-dating policy and your friends-only policy did not stand up to the test.”
“Are you kidding? They were worthless. Good ideas that didn’t work for us.”
“No, they didn’t.” He chuckled. How he had gotten lucky enough for God to bless him like this, he didn’t know, but he never intended to take her for granted. “I hate to break this to you but it looks like we’re dating.”
“It doesn’t just look that way. I think we are.”
“Me, too.” He pulled into his driveway and cut the engine. “Is that okay with you?”
“A tad. A smidgen. A pinch.” She smiled, and without words he knew she meant it was more than okay.
He was attuned to her. He could feel the depth of her happiness. His answered prayer. “You’re sending another text to your sister?”
“We’re speculating why Ava was sick from work today,” she told him as she went to open her door.
“Let me get that for you.” He earned her smile as he circled around the truck, opened the door and took her hand.
This is what he wanted to spend the rest of his life doing. Holding her doors and making her life a little easier. Call him old-fashioned, but he felt that commitment down to his soul.
So, how did he tell her? Ephraim was home, so he couldn’t ask her in. They would need some privacy to talk. Rebecca hopped lightly to the ground and he kept her hand as he closed the door.
How did he tell her? Did he start with the shocker: I spent eighteen months in juvie and a boot camp? Or did he start with a more subtle statement: after I got arrested for grand theft auto…It was hard to know. Either way, thinking of those days brought down a burden of shame—a shame he had to face. He had to risk losing her respect and her love. He had to believe her heart was big enough to understand.
“My grandmother is in love with you,” Rebecca said as they crossed the road toward the mailboxes. “She gave me her approval.”
“You know I sure liked her, too. I’m looking forward to meeting everyone in your family. I hope they have the same opinion about me because I care for you very much.”
“I care for you, too.” She blushed and looked down. She was shy.
“We are going to need a new policy.”
“What kind of policy? After our failed attempts with the last ones, I’m a little leery of any others.” Not that she wasn’t happy with the outcome, but still.
“I understand, but hear me out. I would like us to be exclusive.” He stuck by her side as they strolled up to the mailboxes. “Why don’t we agree to a dating policy, just the two of us?”
“I’ll agree with that.” Bliss, that’s what this joyful sunny feeling was. She was blissfully happy. What could be better than this man? He loved and respected her. He loved and respected her family. It had taken the right man to show her how wrong the wrong man had been for her.
“Good. Then it looks as if we have a deal, Rebecca.” While his tone was light, his face was serious. “Would you mind if I came over? I have something I want to say to you alone.”
“No one’s around.” She couldn’t help joking a little. She tugged her mailbox open. “But come over. I was going to tackle some of my Bible study work tonight. Did you want to join me?”
“Absolutely.”
She couldn’t take her eyes off him. She flipped through the envelopes. Credit card bill. Her cell phone bill. An unmarked envelope. She froze. What if it was from Chris? She checked the front and there was no stamp. There was no way to return it.
That’s it. She tore open the flap, certain now. She had given Chris every opportunity to let go and move on, but she was done. She was going to give Caleb a call and find out about a restraining order.
There was one piece of paper inside. She unfolded it. It was a computer printout of a Web page. Of a Portland newspaper, she realized. There was a grainy black-and-white photograph of a much younger Chad standing in front of a courthouse with his lawyer and an older man, probably his grandfather. The bold letters above the picture and an article read, Plea Bargain Agreement Reached.
No, this couldn’t be right. Her hands trembled. This had to be a mistake. A practical joke. Suddenly it came clear. This was Chris’s idea of a cruel prank. Yes, that’s what this was.
“You look upset, Rebecca. What’s that you have there?”
She gazed up into his honest face. He looked like a man who could never do anything wrong. Her heart swelled two sizes with love for him. She went to fold up the paper, but her hands were shaking too hard.
“Let me see.” His gentle baritone rumbled with reassurance, as if he could make anything right. He came up behind her and his hand steadied the top of the page.
“I can’t believe he would make something up like this.” The words felt torn from her throat. She had never felt so raw. Maybe because Chad wasn’t saying anything. He wasn’t denying it. He wasn’t angry.
Sadness dug into his handsome face. “He didn’t make this up, Rebecca.”
“Wh-what?” Her ears had to be deceiving her.
“This is me. I did this. I stole a car and caused a wreck while I was joyriding.”
Static buzzed in her head. His words sounded distant, as if he were on the other side of the complex instead of so close she could feel his cotton shirt against her elbow. No. This couldn’t be true.
“I was lucky the folks I hit turned out to be all right.” He took the paper and folded it back into thirds. “I, on the other hand, served an eighteen-month sentence and another year doing community service.”
“Y-you were in jail?”
“Yes. I went through a boot camp program and juvie.” He slipped the paper back inside the envelope she was still holding.
Chad was in jail. That thought rolled around inside her mind. Her blood went cold. She shivered in spite of the blazing sun harsh on her back. Chad had moved away and was watching her with sorrow on his face.
“This isn’t how I wanted you to find out.” His throat worked and he looked as if he were searching for words. “I was going to tell you.”
“This was the complication you mentioned. The whopper of a mistake. This was what happened?” Why couldn’t she still believe it? How foolish was she going to be? She could not deny this. She looked at Chad through new eyes. He was the seemingly perfect Prince Charming kind of guy, just like Chris. No, he was worse than Chris because Chris had never gone to jail.
To jail. Everything she knew about Chad fell like glass to the ground and shattered. The good and faithful man, the friend, the wholesome lifestyle and a forever kind of guy were gone. Tears burned behind her eyes. She took one long look at this stranger—at
the man who had pretended to be something he wasn’t. Her heart cracked and shattered, just like her illusions of him. She took a step away from him. It wasn’t far enough.
“Rebecca, say something.”
How could he stand there acting the same way? His eyes were dark with sorrow. His face beaming with sincerity. His shoulders were set straight and strong, as if he were stalwart enough to handle this, too.
“I don’t know what to say.” Her mind began to spin. Her throat stung. The pieces of her heart ached as if they were whole. “I thought—I don’t know what I thought. Only that you were someone I could trust.”
“I am that someone.” He stepped toward her and held out his hand. He was reaching out for her.
“No.” She shook her head. She crossed her arms over her heart. She backed away from him. It took all her courage to face him—to face the truth. “This was my mistake. I’m sorry, but we’re done. Stay away from me, Chad.”
“Rebecca, listen to me, please. I know we can work this out—”
She spun on her heel and fled. With every pound of her sneakers against the blacktop, she saw the last look on his face. He appeared as shattered as she felt.
The tears waited until she had closed and locked her front door. Her knees gave out. She slid to the ground and buried her face in her hands. Nothing had ever hurt this much.
It’s not because I love him, she argued with herself. It’s because she trusted what he told her about his life. She had been duped. That was why she was in agony. Deception hurt.
Down deep, she knew it was more than that. She had loved him—honest and truly. She had thought he was someone else—someone who was a kindred spirit, a soul mate, her missing half.
What was wrong with her that she had fallen for another man capable of deceit? Why had she given her heart to another man with a reckless, self-destructive streak? And what was wrong with her that she was still in love with the person she’d wanted him to be?
Her phone chimed. It was a text message. Chad had sent just two words.
Forgive me.
If a little voice in her heart asked her to find forgiveness, she couldn’t do it. She wouldn’t. She wasn’t going to repeat this unacceptable pattern in her life. She was not going to allow herself to be doomed to a series of bad relationships with men who were not what she deserved. She deserved honesty. She deserved respect. She deserved a man who loved her more than his own life.
Chad wasn’t that man. That was her mistake, but it was one she wasn’t going to make again. If the right man wasn’t out there, then she was still going to be fine. She trusted where the Lord was leading her. She switched off her phone, swiped the damp from her eyes and bowed her head to pray.
“She’s not answering me.” This was killing him. Chad buried his face in his hands. He couldn’t forget the sight of her running way from him—running, because walking away wouldn’t be fast enough. She despised him. He had blown it big-time. She was never going to forgive him.
He wanted to blame her ex, who had probably looked up his name on Google and found the newspaper article. It was a simple thing to do. But the truth was, it was his own fault. He shouldn’t have procrastinated. He should have told her sooner. Then maybe the outcome could have been different. But with the way she had found out, blunt like that and without a lick of explanation, she wasn’t going to forgive him.
He didn’t need an answer to his text message to know that. He swiped his face, stood up and went to look out the sliding door. It wasn’t the two plastic chairs and the plastic footstool he was seeing, but Rebecca’s tiny and comfortable patio. How idyllic it had been sitting there barbecuing dinner and talking.
Looking back, he admitted the evening had been a dream because he had spent it with her.
No, he realized. It was something right out of his heart. It was a dream he hadn’t even realized he wanted. It was as if God had looked into him, saw what he truly wanted and then set him on this path with Rebecca.
And I blew it. He leaned his forehead against the glass. He had lost her. Just like that. Everything had been going fine and then bam! It was all over.
“She needs time,” Ephraim said from the couch where he was poking at the keyboard of his laptop computer. “She’s a nice girl. You should have been the one to tell her. That’s the real problem.”
“That’s part of it.” But not all. His chest felt heavy, as if not a single molecule of air could fit in his lungs. He couldn’t seem to breathe. He didn’t want to. What he wanted was to go next door and talk until he made Rebecca understand.
“You’ve got to give her space, dude.” Ephraim sounded extremely confident. “Trust me.”
Trust the guy who had never been on a date? Chad shook his head. Ephraim might be inexperienced, but he did have three sisters. “You think she will forgive me?”
“I think you’ve got a shot at it. You see her tomorrow at work, right? Maybe that will be a good time to talk to her.”
He nodded. He wasn’t sure that Ephraim was right. He fisted his hands, frustrated. He wanted to do something to fix this. She was next door hurting. He had seen the pain in her eyes. She had lost more than her trust in him. She had lost her heart. He wanted to fix it for her. He wanted to make everything right. How could he leave things the way they were?
He couldn’t, that’s what. He grabbed his Bible and workbook from the edge of the counter and let himself out onto the patio. The late-evening air scorched him like a draft from an oven. He clutched his books and forced his feet to carry him through the grass and around the wooden partition that divided his yard from Rebecca’s.
What was he going to tell her? He didn’t have a clue. She was probably thinking the worst about him. She had probably come to some pretty harsh conclusions. Not that he blamed her a bit. He deserved it. He had done those things. Shame battered him as he wove around a few rosebushes and saw her through the glass door.
Sunlight streamed in the west windows, illuminating her as she knelt in prayer. She was deeper inside the house, with the front door at her back. From where he stood he had a perfect view of her. Her head was bent, her hands clasped, her soft face taut with emotion. She looked small and vulnerable. Everything within him wanted to comfort her. Every fiber of his being wanted to take away her pain.
If only she would give him that right. He waited, heart knocking and fear thick in his veins, as she finished praying. When she opened her eyes, her gaze went straight to him. There was no surprise on her lovely face. No flash of horror. It was as if she had known he was there all along.
He had to hold on to hope as she slowly climbed to her feet. He watched her self-control as she schooled her face, gathered a breath of air and paced through the living room. She removed the dowel and opened the door with controlled, tight movements. Her face was a mask of stoicism hiding every trace of pain.
He wasn’t fooled. He could feel her agony as he could his own.
“I want to make this better,” he told her. “I can explain.”
“No.” Her eyes winced, betraying her sadness and his fate. “It’s too late, Chad.”
“It can’t be. I can fix this, Rebecca. I have to try.” He set down the books on the table, determined to make her believe. He had to make her believe. “I’m in love with you. I know I should have told you sooner, but I’m still the same man. Everyone makes mistakes. That doesn’t have to be who I am. I am someone different today. I need you to see that.”
“How can I? All I see is that article. All I see is that you made me believe you were someone you’re not.” Her face crumpled into sheer heartbreak. “That’s what Chris did. I don’t want to be fooled like that again. I can’t let myself.”
“I understand that. You have every right to be unsure. You have every right to be upset and not want anything to do with me. But I’m asking you to please reconsider.” His throat worked. He had run out of words, but not of heart. “Forgive me.”
“How can I trust you?” Her knuckles turned white.
“What will it be next? You have shown me the kind of man you are and I have to accept it. I’m not going to let this be a pattern in my life.”
“Men who lie to you?”
“Men capable of causing harm.” The color drained from her face. “I never told you about my real father. He was a violent man. He hurt my mother often.”
Chad hung his head. It really was all over. He had never really had a chance with her. This had been wrong right from the start. There would be no future with her. No McKaslin family gatherings. No more bike rides. No vegetable gardens. No children with her smile.
He covered his eyes with his hand to hide the pain. Loss pounded through him like high tide cresting. He had been wrong to dream. “You think I’m like your father.”
“I think trusting you again would be a mistake. I’m sorry, but I just can’t look at you the same way.”
He nodded. He couldn’t blame her. A woman as nice and sweet as Rebecca wouldn’t want a man with his past. He understood that. And now that he knew why, he could do the right thing—what he had to do.
He squared his shoulders and swept his books off the table. “Goodbye, Rebecca.”
“Goodbye, Chad.” She choked on a sob, but she held her chin high, firm in her decision.
“Tomorrow when I see you at work, I will be just another stranger.” He wanted to reassure her that this would not be a repeat of her last relationship. He knew how to respect her wishes. What he didn’t know how to do was to stop loving her.
“Thank you.” She closed the door and replaced the dowel.
He couldn’t remember how he got from her patio to his. He only knew the moment he had someplace private he bowed his head and let the loss hammer through him.
Chapter Fourteen
“Okay, Spence just left for an emergency church board meeting and the store is totally empty.” Lauren popped around the end cap and dodged the book cart. “Why are you working on a weekday evening?”
