by Fleur Smith
His fingers tingled with excitement at the thought. He could picture it, the moment he told Becca that he loved her, that he craved closeness to her with every fiber of his being.
Then the reality of the situation hit him. Hard.
Before Drew, that might have drawn some sort of potentially positive reaction from her. She’d been lonely then and might have at least taken pity on him. Now though, now that she had perfection personified in her bed, it was a different story. If Evan tried to tell her that he loved her, she was likely to laugh in his face and tell him to get serious.
“I have some things he doesn’t have,” he defended himself aloud. He couldn’t name them at that point in time, but he was certain they were there. Becca wasn’t so shallow that she’d only go for looks, but then Drew didn’t only have looks. He had a winning personality—which was demonstrated on every date the couple had been on so far—and he had money. He had a fantastic career. All Evan had was love.
He didn’t want to pander to the rules of bodiless entities that didn’t give a crap about him, but he also knew that telling Becca everything would be a disaster. She would probably throw him out, like she’d gone to do after discovering that Little Evan wasn’t following the cupid rules. As hard as it was to watch Becca fall a little more in love with Drew every day, it would be harder still being forced from her side. After a bit of soul-searching, he decided that he wouldn't come out and tell Becca about his feelings. However, he’d stop trying so hard to hide them from her. If she guessed at the truth, he wouldn't deny it.
Similarly, he wouldn't come between Becca and Drew, but if she was to suddenly decide she was madly in love with Evan instead—as unlikely as that might have been—he was going to take full advantage of the situation. Screw his bosses. Screw Heaven. Screw every damn angel in the sky. He wanted her so badly it was a physical ache that twisted his stomach into knots and he was willing to go through Hell if that’s what it took to make her happy.
If all he could expect was friendship, then . . . well, he was going to be the best damn friend she ever had.
He heard a thump and a bump from the kitchen above him before a giggle travelled down the stairs. Obviously Becca and Drew were finished in the bedroom and had gone in search of a snack.
A few seconds later, the door to the basement opened, light from the kitchen beyond spilling through the gap, and quiet footsteps fell on the stairs. Just as Evan was debating hiding, or disappearing completely, the overhead lights turned on, flooding the space with light.
“Evan?” Becca gasped. “What are you doing here?”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“Where else would I go?”
Becca was so surprised by the desperate sorrow in his voice that she completely forgot that she was only wearing Drew’s business shirt and a pair of panties. She didn’t know what had caused heartbreak so complete. Has one of his assignments been hurt? “Are you okay?”
He shrugged.
“Is it one of your assignments?” she asked.
He nodded, drawing his arms around himself.
It seemed her pity over his sorrow was making the situation worse, that it only added to his woes. It took her a moment to realize this was probably the case. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.”
“I’m here for you, you know that right?” She tried to fill her heart with love and happiness just like she had the last time he’d needed help. Although instead of remembering long-dead relationships, she concentrated on her time so far with Evan and everything he’d done for her.
His lips curled upward and she wondered if he knew what she’d tried to do. “Thank you.”
“What are you doing here though? What happened? Is it your new assignment?” The timing of his pain, after he’d been spending so much time with his new assignment, made her concerned that something had happened there.
“Nope, everything’s fine there,” he said, a little too quickly in Becca’s opinion.
Something more was going on, she was sure of it, but she was missing pieces of the bigger picture. She rested her hands on her hips, trying not to let any anger into her heart, while she waited for him to elaborate.
He didn’t. Instead, he changed the subject. “How are things with Drew?”
Evan’s voice was nearly silent on the last word, which struck Becca as a little odd, but she shrugged it off. Instead, she let a satisfied sigh rush from her lips. Things were great with Drew, better than great. He’d scratched the many itches she’d had so well that she knew she’d be reliving the memories over and over in her dreams. He was so strong and so different from anyone she’d ever taken to bed before. Not that there were many, but there had been enough for her to know Drew stood head and shoulders above the majority when it came to technique.
The only problem with the night was how quickly Drew had packed up and left when they were done. His clothes were still strewn over her house from when they’d stripped off after the waiter incident at dinner. He hadn’t worried about them though, just strutted to the car in a towel, grabbed his gym bag, got redressed in some spare clothes he’d had packed into that and then left, promising to grab the rest the next day when they were dry after Becca offered to clean them for him.
The thought of their tryst reminded Becca of her attire, and she blushed. When Drew had rushed off, she’d slipped into his shirt to allow her feelings of happiness and contentment linger rather than allowing the stress and self-doubt over his hasty retreat creep in. The shirt was at least dry, although it smelled a little like a cologne factory and a brewery had gotten into a fight, but she still felt closer to Drew while wearing it.
She’d planned on using a good session in her darkroom to help her calm down enough to sleep, but had been confronted with Evan instead.
“That good, huh?” Evan’s voice drew her thoughts back away from the salacious path they were traipsing down.
The melancholy had settled back onto Evan’s features and it sat awkwardly on him. She longed to see his single dimple slice his cheek once more and see the glint of excitement in his eye as they talked about simple things, like her day or her dream man. A stinging sense of loss struck her over the fact that they hadn’t done any of those things since her first date with Drew. Now, she realized she missed her time with her cupid more than she’d thought she would—and she had been expecting it to be unpleasant. She wanted nothing more than to bring back the fun and enjoy their time together until she had to say her final goodbye.
“Can you grab my camera?” she said. “I’ll meet you at the car in five minutes.”
She turned and left, not giving Evan a chance to refuse. Once she’d changed into something a little more appropriate, she headed to the car.
“Where are we going?” Evan asked, his confusion clear.
“I need to do something to calm down before I’ll be able to even try to sleep, and you need to get out of the house for a while. I thought we’d go do something fun.”
“What’s the camera for?”
“That’s the fun.” She grinned at him as she gripped the steering wheel and reversed the car out of the garage. Her grin fell when she remembered the conversation with Drew over dinner as she’d explained to him about her love of photography.
Evan seemed to pick up on the dip in her happiness and laid his hand on her arm in a reassuring gesture. Love echoed through the touch as Evan seemed to give her a gentle reminder of their conversation about her relationship with Drew. Love of that intensity was worth the teething problems. She gave him a small smile, and her heart flipped when he returned it with a genuine one of his own.
She drove to a small playground adjacent to an oval.
“What are we doing here?” he asked.
“We’re going to play with the moonlight.”
When it was clear Evan had no idea what she meant, Becca offered him her hand and dragged him to the swing-set. She crouched down and moved around, trying to find the best angle to capture the
loneliness of the moon reflected through the dark, empty swings. Once she’d found the image she had in her mind, she snapped a couple of shots with a delayed exposure to draw as much of the light of the full moon into the lens as possible.
Obviously allowing her to get carried away with her photos, Evan climbed to the top of the ladder for the slide and sat on the platform to watch her work. When Becca swung the camera around a certain way, she saw her perfect picture.
On his perch in the moonlight, Evan cast the shadow of a lonely angel, almost like a guardian spirit waiting to watch over the children on their next visit. She took a few shots with him in the frame, smiling as she thought about how they might turn out.
Truthfully, she was happy to get some more photos of Evan. She would hate for him to disappear with almost no evidence that he’d ever existed in the first place. This time in her life was a memory she didn’t want to fade into the past. She wanted to remember that, for a time at least, she was special enough to be assigned her very own heavenly matchmaker and that she’d shared something wonderful with him while he’d been at her side. She pushed away thoughts of the time he wouldn’t be there anymore; it was too dreadful to consider.
She took a few more photos before turning around and sitting on the swing. The stillness inspired her to take a few more shots of the empty park and the trees stretching hauntingly into the darkness beyond. Once she was satisfied with her photos, she linked her arms around the chain, holding her camera securely in her hands, and kicked the ground a few times until the swing she was resting on swayed gently. Both she and Evan were quiet; the only noise that broke the night was the soft creaking of the chain against metal frame.
“Sorry, I thought this would be more fun for you,” she said as she rocked back and forth, dragging her feet along the ground.
An instant later, she felt Evan’s hands on her back giving her a gentle push. “Who said it wasn’t fun?”
She tried to calm her heart; it had started racing the instant she’d felt his warm hands press against her back. And it wasn’t just because he’d used his special gift to zip to her side that caused it to pound. Looking over her shoulder at him, she wondered whether he was lying just to make her feel better. She decided to call him on it. “You didn’t look like you were having much fun a minute ago.”
He smiled. “I’m sorry. I’ve just been having something of an existential crisis lately. I didn’t mean for you to get caught up in the middle of it.”
“A cupid having an existential crisis, that’s got to be a new one.”
“Tell me about it.” He chuckled and the sound was wonderful in Becca’s ears.
It had been too long since she’d heard his laughter, or spent any real time with him. She realized that she missed him—missed their time together.
“Are you going to fill me in on this crisis you’re having?” she asked. “I might be able to help.”
“Thanks for the offer, but it’s a little hard to explain.”
“The offer is always there. I know it’s probably going to sound weird, but I want to be there for you like you’ve been for me.”
He stopped pushing her for a moment, and the silence from behind her made Becca look over her shoulder again. His gaze was intent as he focused on her face. He looked like he was going to say something, but stopped himself.
Becca suddenly felt stupid, offering her assistance to a cupid. He was a heavenly being of some sort, or at least guided by destiny, surely he had some sort of otherworldly counselling service available to him if he needed to talk. Like angels.
Even as she thought about heavenly psychiatrists, Becca remembered Evan’s assertion that all angels were dicks. Maybe there wasn’t anyone. She wished she knew more about the world he came from.
“Thank you,” he said after a moment. His voice was graveled and strained, so much so that Becca had thought that wasn’t what he’d wanted to say. Before she could question him, he renewed the steady rhythm of his hands on her back, pushing her on the swing gently.
She decided she wouldn’t pry further. If he wanted to tell her more, he would.
“Why haven't you left already?” she asked instead.
His hands closed around the chain, stopping her at the height of her arc. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”
She hadn’t meant it like that, and wanted to explain herself quickly so there could be no room for misunderstanding. “No, I just thought . . . well, you said you only stay as long as it takes to find someone a partner and I've got Drew now and . . . you've done everything you were supposed to for me, haven't you?”
He frowned. “Yeah, I guess I have.”
“I'm not complaining,” she said, a tad too eagerly. “I like having you around.”
“So you don’t want me to go?” he asked. If she hadn’t known better, she would have sworn he was holding his breath.
She shook her head. “No. It’s crazy, but I consider you a friend even after the short time you’ve been in my life.”
“Oh.”
She played with the buttons on the top of her camera in her hands. “I can’t imagine not seeing you around.” She thought that sounded a little too needy, so she added, “From time to time.”
He released the chain and let her swing freely again.
There was silence behind her again, but every few swings, his hands were against her lower back so she knew he was still behind her.
“I know what you mean,” he murmured after a moment. His hands reached for the chain again, this time stopping her when the swing was level.
He was in front of her faster than she would have believed that it was possible if she hadn’t seen his little teleporting trick often enough. She furrowed her brow, wondering what exactly he was doing as he knelt down before her.
“I know I said I’ve done this before,” he whispered. “But that’s only partly true.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve had assignments before, thousands of them, but not like this. I’ve never become this . . . attached before. I can’t imagine leaving your side Becca. I considered you my . . . friend too.”
She was certain he was going to say something else, but she didn’t know what. Maybe it was some term from when he was alive that he realized she wouldn’t understand. As that thought reached into her conscious, she found herself chuckling.
Evan tilted his head and his expression turned into one of a hurt puppy. Becca realized she’d probably hurt or insulted him by laughing. “Sorry, I just realized how crazy all this is. You’re dead. You’ve been dead for fifty years. You’re a cupid that turned up to set me up with someone, even though neither of us knew who it was going to be at that stage, and yet I can’t imagine the day I have to say goodbye. Most people would be glad to see the back of the craziness.”
Evan reached forward and brushed a loose curl back behind her ear. “You’re not most people.”
He stared at her mouth and her stomach did a crazy dip. For a moment she was struck by an overwhelming urge to claim his lips, to force her tongue into his mouth and just feel every emotion he had to offer. She knew it was the residual emotion thing that had struck her the last time she’d kissed him though and fought off the desire. After all, he might have been willing to stick around for her for a little while, but he was still a cupid. He was going to have to leave at some point and her kissing him when she was supposed to be happily partnered off was just likely to push him away sooner than she wanted.
She dropped her gaze to her camera and the moment was broken. Evan stood and went to walk behind her again, but she jumped off the swing before he had a chance. The night had been a rollercoaster to say the least and she felt like she needed to get off for a while.
“I think I’ve got everything I wanted to get,” she said, holding up the camera and breaking the awkward silence that had been filled with her desperate desire to kiss Evan. You were in Drew’s arms less than two hours ago, you hussy!
“Let’s get you home t
hen.” Evan smiled sadly.
I like being around you too. More than I should. The words had been so close to the tip of his tongue, so close that they’d almost slipped out. It went against his “let her come to me if anything’s going to happen” stance though, so he stamped it down into the pit of his stomach. He didn’t want to do anything to ruin the friendship that they’d just admitted to. You are so far past friendship you can’t even see friendship anymore.
It was true, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to offer Becca everything that he could—even if that was just friendship. He followed her lead and returned back to the car.
“When do you think you’ll develop that roll?” Evan asked. “You’ve barely been in your darkroom lately.” He knew because it had become his hideaway whenever he wasn’t stalking Becca and Drew.
“I know. It’s weird, I used to rely on the time I spent there to keep me sane, but now . . .” She trailed off and Evan wondered how she was going to finish that sentence. He tried not to seem too eager as he waited for her to continue. “Now I haven’t felt like I need to hide from my life in there.”
Before Evan could respond and express the sorrow he felt over her statement, Becca laughed.
“Wow, that sounded really pathetic didn’t it? I didn’t mean it like that. I’ll get back in there before too long. I still love it. It’s just that I never really had much to fill my evenings before and now I’ve got, well, you.” After a beat, she added, “And Drew, of course.”
“Of course,” he bit out through clenched teeth. He would have been happier if she hadn’t mentioned Drew at all. He tried not to pay any attention to the pride that rushed through him when Becca put his name first. He knew enough about human nature to know that it was because he was in front of her, and therefore in the forefront of her mind.
When they arrived home, Becca went straight for the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of wine. She held up the bottle to offer him a glass as well, but he waved her off. They took up positions around the dining room table and fell into an easy conversation. Evan tried to steer the topics away from Drew and toward her day at work and as much of her childhood as she was willing to share with him. He learned more about why her photo albums ended so abruptly and exactly how Millie the Mustang had earned her name.
