by Shari Hearn
“I’m sure you were the star, Jo-Jo,” Gertie said. “You were good at everything you did.”
I knew she was lying. From what I heard, Jo-Jo would have to go to night school in order to advance to half-wit.
“Really?” Jo-Jo asked, his voice rising. “That’s not what you said when you was my teacher.”
“Let’s cut the BS. What’s going on, Jo-Jo?” I asked.
Ida Belle slowly moved a few inches away from me to the right. I knew what she was planning. She wanted to move around Jo-Jo so he would be in the middle of a circle, and not facing the three of us. It would be easier to take him down if we had him circled.
“You didn’t have a crush on Gertie, did you, son?” Ida Belle asked.
“And you didn’t catch some Russian trying to break into my house, did you?” The idiot probably cut himself trying to jimmy the lock with his knife.
At the same time, Gertie kept her eyes on Jo-Jo, while her fingers worked the clasp of her purse. She also inched her way to the left.
Jo-Jo’s lips formed a straight line on his reddening face. “She said I would never count for much. Remember when I made that volcano for the science fair and it didn’t go off and you made fun of me? And you wouldn’t let me in the smarty pants rocket club because you said I wasn’t cut out for science. Well, guess what? You was wrong! Turns out, I learned from that stupid volcano. And now, I’m pretty good making something explode.”
“Jo-Jo, that wasn’t me,” Gertie said. “I never had anything to do with the rocket club.”
“Of course that was you. You was my science teacher. You was the head of the rocket club. I could show you the exact page in the yearbook and show you your name as the science teacher.”
“I taught English,” Gertie said, unclasping her purse.
“English?”
Gertie nodded as she stuck her hand inside. “Bertie Hebert taught science. No relation. I’m Gertie Hebert. I’m the one who said you couldn’t read.”
Jo-Jo’s face fell. “Ahh, hell! It’s those damn Bs and Gs again.”
Gertie grimaced. I could see her hand fishing around inside her messy purse for her Glock. “Yeah, you always had a problem with those two. Not to mention your Ms and Ns. And Os and As.”
“No wonder you didn’t look anything like what I remembered. I just thought it was because you was old. But now I’m startin’ to remember you. You was always the one harping at me to proofread my work.”
Ida Belle scooted a little more to the right. I noticed his eyes following her. “I’d stop if I was you,” he said to Ida Belle. His eyes shifted to Gertie. “And I would drop the purse.”
“I’d like a breath mint, if you don’t mind,” Gertie said.
“I do mind,” he said, pulling his hands out of his pockets, revealing a cell phone in one hand and a lump of what appeared to be explosive connected to another phone in his other hand. “Trigger,” he said, holding up his cell phone, “and bomb,” he said, holding up the explosive. “Drop the purse now. And if anybody moves, we’re all going to the great beyond together.”
CHAPTER TEN
“Why are you doing this?” I asked Jo-Jo. “She’s not even Bertie.”
“Yeah, I know. Pretty stupid of me, huh? All this time I thought it was a ‘G,’ but now I remember it was a ‘B.’ Stupid, stupid, stupid!” he said shaking his fists.
“No you’re not!”
“You’re a smart guy!”
“Spelling is overrated!”
We all talked at once.
“Quiet!” he shouted. “So where is this Bertie now? I want you to take me to her. Me and her has a date with destiny.”
“Uh…” Gertie said, looking over at Ida Belle.
“Yeah… Bertie… She’s…”
In all likelihood Bertie had died and they were too afraid to tell him, not wanting to set him off.
“Jo-Jo, why don’t you put the bomb and phone down and we’ll forget about all this, okay?” Gertie said gently. “I mean, think about all you have to live for. You have a great job on a film—”
“Great job? I’m a grunt. I work for the explosives technician and all I get to do is fetch him stuff. And why? Because Miss Bertie held me back, that’s why.” Jo-Jo shook his head. “Being in that club coulda opened doors for me. Who knows, maybe I coulda been a scientist. Instead I quit high school to go to work. And now I can’t even do anything more than be a grunt! And it all started with her. Well, I’ll show everyone what I’m capable of doing! I blew up a casket, now I’m going to go blow up old Bertie Hebert. So where is she?”
Gertie shrugged. “Um…”
“She lives along the bayou,” I said.
Gertie’s eyes narrowed while Ida Belle’s brows pulled together. I couldn’t communicate my reasoning to them, but we needed to stall for time until we could overpower him. If he knew the real Bertie had already died, he might freak out and blow us all up.
“You can take the boat and go.”
Ida Belle mouthed, what?
“Leave you here to call the cops? I don’t think so.”
I exhaled. In reality I didn’t want him to go off without us, not with him carrying a bomb all over town. At least if we were all together we could try to overpower him and take the bomb away. But I wanted him to think I wanted him to leave us.
“We’re all going. When we get to her place I’ll let you all go.”
“Sounds fair enough,” I said.
“Any funny business and we’re all going kaboom.”
“No funny business,” I said.
“And no kaboom,” Gertie added.
He motioned to the boat. “Ladies first.”
Ida Belle and I headed for the boat, while Gertie bent to pick up her purse.
“The purse stays,” he said.
Gertie sighed and straightened up, following us toward the boat.
“Do you know what you’re doing?” Ida Belle whispered.
“Hell no. But we’ll figure something as we go along.”
We walked to the boat, parked along the bank of the bayou. Jo-Jo ordered us to stop. “Who’s going to drive it?”
“I will,” Ida Belle said. “I’m the most qualified.”
“No funny stuff,” he said.
“Trust me, we won’t be having fun,” she said. “Keys.”
“I have to give her the keys,” I told Jo-Jo. “They’re in my pocket.”
“Take ‘em out slow like.”
I put my hand in my pocket and slid the keys out, handing them to Ida Belle.
“You two will sit on the bench together,” Jo-Jo said, pointing to Gertie and me. “Granny and me will sit on the Captain’s seats.”
Gertie and I boarded the boat and sat together on the bench. Ida Belle and Jo-Jo took their seats in the Captain’s chairs.
“So… Bertie’s house…” Ida Belle said, looking at me.
“Down past City Hall, remember?” I said to her.
Her lips upturned slightly. The Bayou widened by City Hall, which would be a great place to do a hairpin turn, hopefully knocking Jo-Jo into the water. If we were lucky, Ida Belle could then gun it and clear us from the blast.
If not, we could all be blown to bits.
Ida Belle started the engine and pulled slowly away from the bank, heading down the bayou toward City Hall.
We glided past homes, some with people in their yards working on boats, some sitting in hammocks. They waved as we skimmed by, not realizing the man riding along with us could kill us all.
Jo-Jo held the cell phone and explosive above his head. Knocking him off the boat would be easy. I prayed that with the hot sun straight overhead, no one would be out fishing or near the water when we reached City Hall and Ida Belle could make her turn.
We passed Bob’s Bait & Tackle. Gertie and I glanced at one another. Bob’s wasn’t far from City Hall. We’d have to be prepared to hang on tight once the turn was made. Gertie clamped her hand onto the bench. I did the same.
I s
miled at Gertie. I don’t know why I thought it, but I wondered if we both died together and there was an afterlife, if she’d look old or if she’d appear like she did at the best period in her life. I thought about me. What would I choose? When I was a little girl before my mom died? Or now, which, I had to be honest, was the best time in my life. Would I see my mom? I did when I was almost poisoned a few weeks ago. Would I see my father? Certainly not if I could help it. I hoped God wouldn’t make me, at least not until I was ready.
We were a few seconds away from the turn. My grip tightened on the bench. I noticed Gertie praying. She looked peaceful as she opened her eyes. A single tear flowed down her cheek.
Ida Belle sped up. “Bertie’s house is right after the curve,” she yelled to Jo-Jo over the sound of the engine.
Our boat came to a widening of the bayou. Ida Belle jerked the boat to the right, but instead of flying off the boat into the water, Jo-Jo must have instinctively let go of the explosive in his right hand and grabbed onto the railing for support.
Before I could scream, “hang on!” his little bomb landed in my lap.
Wrapping his right arm around the railing, he held the cell phone trigger up in the air with his left hand.
Gertie looked at the bomb in my lap and shrieked.
By then Ida Belle had already straightened the boat and Jo-Jo screamed at her to stop or he’d blow us all up. She did as she was ordered, the boat finally stopping in front of City Hall.
Ida Belle’s face drained of color. “The luncheon.”
I had totally forgotten about Celia’s birthday luncheon with Sinful business leaders and the director filming in Mudbug. The celebration was complete with caterers, tables and umbrellas. Ida Belle, Gertie and I screamed at the attendees, about fifteen in all, to run, causing a stampede away from the bayou and toward the street.
I held up the explosive and drew my arm back, hoping to throw it as far as I could in the water. Jo-Jo lunged for me, knocking my arm and disrupting the direction of my throw. I watched as the bomb went sailing not toward the water, but toward the dessert table. Jo-Jo pressed his thumb to his cell phone and the bomb exploded the moment it sailed into the elaborately decorated cake sitting in the middle of the table.
“Duck!”
The four of us in the boat hit the bottom. I held my hand over my ears, bracing for the kaboom.
Pffffft.
That was it.
No shaking. No debris raining on top of us.
Just Pffffft.
Slowly, Gertie, Ida Belle and I lifted our heads. Cake and white frosting covered the lawn, but that was about it.
Jo-Jo lifted his head. He must have been expecting Armageddon, because his face was awash in confusion. He pointed his cell phone at the cakey mess and pressed his thumb into it. Nothing.
“Ahhh, hell!” he said. “I can’t do nothing right.”
Gertie patted him on the arm. “Now, that’s not true, Jo-Jo. You almost killed us all at the rec center.”
I shook my head. “Actually, that bomb wasn’t that powerful either.”
“Crud!” he yelled.
“But you would have injured Gertie.” I couldn’t believe I was trying to make a bomber feel better.
He pursed his lips, pouting.
“Maybe I would have had a heart attack and died,” Gertie offered him, a hopeful look on her face.
“Really? You’re not just saying that?”
“Really.”
“Thanks.”
Carter poked his head around the City Hall building and spotted us. He tore off across the lawn and down the bank to the water.
“Is everyone okay?”
I nodded. “But if you have your cuffs handy…” I pointed to Jo-Jo. “He took us hostage and threatened us with a bomb. Sorry, but it blew up Celia’s cake.”
He looked over at the fondant mess, then back at Jo-Jo.
“Jo-Jo’s the bomber?”
Jo-Jo made a show of crossing his arms. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”
“He’s a little sensitive,” Gertie said to Carter.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
After giving our statements to Carter, Ida Belle, Gertie and I finally took it easy, resting on chaise lounges in my back yard and feasting on lemon cake and beer.
“I would have given anything to have a video of Celia’s face when she saw what that wimpy bomb did to her birthday cake,” Ida Belle said, before shoving another forkful of cake in her mouth.
“I guess we could save her a slice so she could taste what she paid for,” I said.
Gertie pointed her fork at me. “Do and I may have to shoot you.”
“Sorry your funeral was ruined.”
Gertie set her plate on a side table. “Ruined? Are you kidding? They’ll be talking about this year’s funeral until the day I really die.”
Something about what she said about really dying struck me wrong. And she knew it.
“You know, Fortune, maybe now’s a good time to talk about your eulogy.”
“My eulogy?” I could feel my face flushing.
Ida Belle nodded. “The part about not being ready to lose us?”
“Oh.”
“We’re not going anywhere soon, Fortune,” Gertie said.
“We know we’re not spring chickens—”
“Speak for yourself.”
Ida Belle glared at Gertie.
Gertie glared back and shrugged. “Well, you are a couple of years older than me. I’m just sayin’.”
“I’m a couple years older than you during the month between our birthdays. Normally, I’m just one year older than you.”
“Well… one year’s one year.”
Ida Belle shook her head. “Whatever. The point is, we’re a team, Fortune.”
I turned in my chaise, facing them. “I think we have to face facts. When they get the guy who has the hit on me, I have to go back to my old life in the CIA.”
“So?” Gertie said. “We’ll be long-distance friends.”
I sighed. With my profession, would that even be possible?
“And who knows,” Gertie added, “maybe they’ll never find him and you’ll have to hide out indefinitely.” She thought a second. “Well, okay that doesn’t sound so good.”
“Look, we know things happen. You’ll go back to your old job. And someday… we’ll die.” Ida Belle pulled in a deep breath and blew it out. “Just like your mom did.”
Those words. My fist clenched. I had a horrible desire to go punch Ida Belle in the face for bringing her up.
“That’s really what’s going on, isn’t it? Why Gertie’s funeral had you so upset?”
I could feel tears pooling in my eyes, threatening to spill down my face. Be strong. You’re my little soldier now, Fortune. My dad’s words punched through my memory. As hard as I fought to prevent it, a line of tears made its way down my face.
“You loved your mom a lot,” Gertie said gently. She reached over and touched my hand.
My head bobbed.
“You know,” Ida Belle said, “if you ever want to talk about her…”
“I tore her picture up,” I said. “The day of her funeral. I tore her picture up.”
I had never admitted that to anyone.
“After the funeral I went to my room and took out a photo of us together, taken the Christmas before, and tore it into teeny tiny pieces. I put the pieces in a box and shoved it on the top shelf in my closet. Years later, when I moved out, I found the box and the pieces and had the photo restored. They did a great job, but I could still see evidence of the rips.” I could feel my fingers shaking. “That photo is a reminder of what a horrible daughter I was.”
“You weren’t horrible,” Gertie said. “You were a little girl. And you were mad your mommy left you.”
Gertie wiped the back of her hand over her wet face.
I could tell Ida Belle was fighting not to cry as well. She and I were so much alike. Unlike Gertie, who let everything hang out. Sometimes I wished
I were more Gertie and less Ida Belle.
“You know your mom would never hold it against you,” Ida Belle said, her cracking voice betraying her emotion.
I nodded. “I know.”
“I bet she’s with you a lot,” Gertie said. “In spirit.”
“I do sometimes feel her around.” I felt another tear slide down my cheek.
“I know when I go, I’ll come around from time to time,” Gertie said.
“You promise?”
“Sure we will,” Ida Belle said. “You think we’re the types to be sitting around playing our harps all day long?”
I laughed. “No, somehow I can’t picture it.”
Gertie grinned. “Of course, there may be times I’ll want to go haunt someone, just because I’m ornery.”
Ida Belle nodded. “That goes without saying.”
“Celia,” Gertie said. “If I go before her, I’d like to haunt Celia.”
“Why wait till you’re dead?” Ida Belle asked. “We could break into her house at night and make her think it’s haunted.”
I loved where this was going. “I could mess with her electrical wiring to cause her lights to blink off and on.”
“Then it’s a date!” Gertie said, slicing her fork through her cake and taking a bite.
“What’s a date?”
I glanced around and saw Carter making his way toward us.
“Oh, nothing,” Gertie mumbled, her mouth full of cake.
“I hope it’s nothing illegal.”
I shrugged. “Us? Do something illegal?”
“Did Jo-Jo confess to everything?” Ida Belle asked.
Carter nodded. “Which means we can release your casket now, Gertie. We brought it up from the swamp. Aside from mud damage and a six-inch hole in the bottom of it, it’s not it bad shape. Deputy Breaux’s ready to haul it over to your house if you want.”
Ida Belle pulled herself up from her chaise. “Come on, I’ll help you hose it off.”
She extended a hand to Gertie and helped her up.
“Thanks for the chat,” I said.
“Any time.” Ida Belle winked at me and she and Gertie trudged through the yard and around the house.
