by Natalie Dean
“That’s easier said than done,” Teddy murmured to the fish.
“Nothing I’ve said is easy. If it were, I think more people would be much happier.” She let out a pleasant little sort of hum, and then she was pressing something into Teddy’s hand. “My granddaughter will be coming for me soon, I think. Here, you take these.”
With that she tottered off, like some sort of strange, advice-vending elder. When Teddy looked down into her palm, there was about a half-portion of koi-kibble in it.
“Huh, let my walls down?”
After everything they’d gone through since they’d met, she would have thought it would be easy. But if the random grandma said it wasn’t supposed to be easy at all, maybe it made sense why Teddy was having trouble.
Maybe she needed time, and bit by bit she could open up. And maybe the thought of being open and honest and vulnerable with Silas wouldn’t make her so nauseous. She could adjust to not having the shield of debt between them as an excuse not to deal with her feelings.
“You look like you’re in deep thought.”
This time it was Silas who approached her, and she sent him an uncertain smile. “Would you believe you’re not the first person to tell me that today?”
“Oh? Were the fish getting mouthy with you while I was gone?”
“Hah, no. Nothing like that. Just a lot on my mind.” She took the kibble from him and scattered some across the water. Soon the pond was lit up by flashes of gold, onyx, white and orange. It was soothing, in a way, and a beautiful sight to behold. “Thinking about the future.”
“It’s pretty scary, isn’t it?” Silas said, completely unaware of the churning thoughts in front of her.
“You know I’m not like a lot of women, right?” she blurted, the grandma’s words playing in her head. “Not like a lot of people, I guess?”
Silas’s grin slowly slid from his face. “What do you mean?”
“I mean,” she swallowed. “I just mean that I’m different. I’m… intense. I can be a bit withheld sometimes. It’s hard for me to trust people, and sometimes my brain tells me that people are up to the worst things. It took me close to a year to finally get that Andre wasn’t going to chase me out when he grew tired of me, and a good year and a half after that to make my first connections in the neighborhood.
“Once I get there, I’m one of the most loyal people. I’d lay down my life for anyone in our community. It just… it just…” She closed her eyes, so many thoughts flying through her head. Her father. Her mother. Cruel folks at school. Amazing people at school. Warm hugs from Mr. Abadi. Kisses on the cheek from Mrs. Routier. Antonio’s warm eyes as he laughed. Snide comments about her skin, about her father. All of it was mixed up and complicated, with the worst coming from outside of her home and everything good coming from within.
But Silas was good. She was almost certain of that. And he was from the outside. That had to mean something.
“It’s so hard for me to trust people,” she said and let loose a sigh.
She was surprised when Silas plopped down right beside her, crossing his legs so they didn’t go into the water.
“Teddy, I’m twenty-eight years old and I’ve only ever dated two people in my whole life. I thought it was just because I didn’t mesh. That people weren’t for me. Not a good fit, you know?
“So maybe you are different from everybody else. But maybe I am too. The only thing that really matters to me is that my different seems to gel pretty nicely with your different. And if this doesn’t go right? If we go on a few dates and you decide this isn’t for you, then I’ll have an amazing friend.”
Teddy licked her lips, her heart beating fast. “But what if you decide that it’s not for you?”
He smiled that charming, roguish smile that she’d noticed from day one. “Well, that’s not an issue. I already know how I feel. But I don’t mind if you need time to figure out how you do.”
She fed the fish more kibble. “You’re too nice to me, you know that?”
“Actually, I think I’m not nearly as nice as you deserve. But if you like, we can debate about it while we continue to walk around.”
Teddy’s spirits lifted, and she was quickly returning to those warm thoughts. She wasn’t going to fix everything in her head that day. She wasn’t going to magically stop being scared. But maybe, if she allowed herself to, she could begin the first steps toward being a more happy, whole person.
“I’d like that quite a bit.”
23
Silas
Silas glanced over to where Teddy was sitting, her head leaning against the car window as she looked out at the lights whipping by. They had walked and walked around that garden until her feet had ached, and they still hadn’t gotten through the whole place. He’d like to take her again, if they got a chance.
He could tell that something had been bothering her when they’d first arrived at the gardens, and for a good hour or so, he had been so sure that she wasn’t into him, that she felt pressured into the date. But then she had spoken to him at the pond about what was troubling her, and suddenly everything made sense.
Silas was well aware that there were probably certain expectations about his taste. That he might like a waifish, modelesque woman like so many of the socialites he knew. Or maybe even a submissive, soft-spoken church debutante.
But no, he had eyes only for a certain curvaceous mechanic with flaming red hair and poliosis—which had nothing to do with what FDR had. He had something for a woman who has carried the weight of the world on her shoulders for so long that she’s forgotten what it’s like to share the burden. He had a thing for her button nose, for the faint freckles across her cheeks. He had a thing for the baleful way she would stare at a piece of equipment when it was giving her trouble. He had a thing for the way she looked with a baseball bat, defending her turf.
Silas had never really believed in destiny, but as he looked over at Teddy, he couldn’t help but feel like God couldn’t have made a better match for him. Or maybe he was the one who was the match for her. A match for each other? Yeah, that was it.
“I can feel you staring at me, you know?” she murmured, her eyes remaining closed.
“I assure you; I’m looking at the road. I’m a very responsible driver.”
“Oh yeah? Then why are the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end?”
“My electrifying personality?”
A chuckle sounded from her and she sat up, opening her eyes. “Wow, I’m glad our date’s over if that’s the humor I have to look forward to.”
“Ouch. I’m insulted.”
“Well, it certainly wasn’t meant as a compliment.”
Then they were laughing together. Silas felt like he could name on one hand the people who spoke to him so frankly, who were willing to banter with him and go toe to toe. And all of those people were his brothers. “Good to know that I’ll always have you around to cut down my ego.”
“Of course. Consider it a community service. On the house.”
“Your generosity knows no bounds.”
“Oh, it’s got bounds, alright. I’m just still figuring them out.”
That sounded important. “Oh?”
She didn’t answer right away, but he had learned that he needed to be still and wait for her to figure out exactly what she wanted to say. That was one of the things he always appreciated about Teddy; she didn’t kowtow or capitulate. What she said was always what she meant.
“I got to talking with this older lady today, and I guess I realized a few things.”
“Good things?”
“Not sure yet. But important things. And one of them is, in order to open up, I need to set some boundaries.”
Silas felt his brows furrow. “I don’t think I follow.”
“I didn’t realize it, but I’ve kinda built my entire life to be about what I do for others. If I was productive enough, or helpful enough, I felt like I was worthy of their love. And don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing w
rong with helping and taking care of those around me, but instead of doing it out of love, or happiness, I was doing it in some sort of desperate bid to force them to love me.”
“But you don’t need to make anyone love you, Teddy.”
“I think I’m starting to realize that. That I don’t have to pay back any of them, because there’s nothing owed. I may have come here an orphan with a lot of anger, but I’m not that anymore. I don’t have to keep trying to make up for my past mistakes.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” He would hate it if she felt obligated to pay back his kindness. That was the opposite of what he wanted.
“Thanks. But if I’m going to get better at all that stuff, I’m gonna have to set boundaries for myself. Cut myself off when I get real insecure, or people-pleasey.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll warn you the moment you get too agreeable. We can’t have that.”
Thankfully she laughed and seemed to relax. Or she did until she realized he was pulling up to her family’s shop.
“Oh, are we here already? It feels like we just left the gardens.”
He smiled, appreciating the slight disappointment to her tone. She wanted things to keep going. Despite all his worry, she seemed to have enjoyed herself. “You were dozing there for a while.”
“Really? Man, I hope I didn’t snore.”
“Is that what that was?” he joked, unbuckling his seat belt and getting out. “I thought my engine needed to be serviced.”
She elbowed him before he could slip out of reach and cross around the front of the vehicle. “Rude. Just for that, next time I cook, I’m over-salting your food.”
“I’m not so sure that you would be able to live with yourself if you ruined a perfectly good meal.”
“You never know. I’m working on opening myself, aren’t I?”
He held out his hand to her, helping her out of his car. “I think that might be pushing the idea a bit far.”
She laughed at that, and he felt himself puff up in pride. He loved that sound and the way that her eyes would light up, her head tilting back slightly. She was a vision, always, but she always looked best when she was happy.
What would it be like if he could keep her that way? All pink-cheeked and contented. Was it even possible? To be her shoulder to lean on, her entertainment during the lows in life, her comforter during the worst times? He was probably getting much too far ahead of himself, but he could scold himself later. For the moment he just wanted to watch her as she shared her mirth with him.
“Alright, fair enough. I suppose there’s a limit to growth.”
“Not sure poisoning my food via over-salination is growth, but I’m glad you agree.”
“Yeah, yeah, don’t get used to it.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it.”
They reached her door far too quickly, and disappointment bloomed inside of him. He didn’t want to let her go. He wanted to hold her there in that moment, away from all the troubles and stresses that came with their lives.
“Well,” she said, turning to face him, her back against the door. He couldn’t help but notice that she didn’t let go of his hand, tethering him to her like she didn’t want him to go either. “I realize this is where I should leave you, but it’s not wise to stand outside for goodbyes. Even if you did fix my little wanna-be-gangster problem for the moment.”
“You want me to come in?” he asked, his mouth going dry.
Gosh, she looked like a dream, head tilted up to him, eyes wide and uncertain. She was shining gold, bathed in the yellow glow of the streetlights, her red hair done up in a bun and her eyes lined in that pin-up style of hers. She was something out of a museum or an exhibition. And she was looking at him like she saw something important inside of him too.
“Just into the reception area,” she said softly. “You know, for a proper goodbye.”
“Yeah, we wouldn’t want to be improper.” Did his voice sound raspy or was it just him? He didn’t know, and he certainly wasn’t going to ask.
Teddy pulled her hand from him, turning to the door and unlocking it. She stepped in, pulling him behind her, then closed the door.
She didn’t turn the lights on, however, the only illumination coming from outside. It made everything look magical, a bit more surreal. And this time, when she turned around quickly, he knew it was purposeful when they ended up less than a breath away from each other.
“I want to thank you for a really lovely time,” she murmured, that look on her face again. The one that made his heart race and wonder if maybe he was imagining everything because it all seemed too good to be true.
“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself. Maybe, if you’re not too busy, we can do it again soon.”
“Well, I’ll have you know that I’m no longer regularly running off to work at this manor that’s an hour and a half away, so my schedule is a lot more open than it used to be.”
“Is that so?” he asked, feeling his bravery pick up right along with his heart rate. Although one of his hands was holding hers, the other was free to do what it wanted, so he brought his arm up, wrapping it around her waist and pulling her flush to him.
It was the most they had ever touched, not merely brushing against each other, but pressing into each other with intent. She was so warm against his arm, and her front melted to his just as he had imagined. Even her smell was lovely, warm and smelling of the flowers they had spent all day around. It was perfect.
“Last I knew, it was,” she answered breathily, her free hand coming up to rest on his shoulder. Her fingers gently brushed against his collar, tracing the weave of the cloth and making goosebumps rise along his flesh.
He felt like time was going impossibly slow but racing at the same time. Every single detail of what was happening rushed him at once, a cacophony of importance. He wanted to hang onto all of it, never forgetting a single thing.
“Well then, it’s a date,” he said.
“Don’t you think we should finish up our first one?”
“Maybe.” He felt his head tilting downward, drawn ever closer to those plush lips of hers. “But I wouldn’t mind staying like this for a while.”
She swallowed, and he watched that alluring bob of her throat again. The rest of the world was falling away, leaving just the two of them, and the electricity that sparked along everywhere they touched. “It is pretty nice.”
“Isn’t it?”
She nodded, then tucked her face into his chest. He could feel her breath rasping across his front, warm and speedy. At least she seemed to be almost as affected as he was.
But at the same time, that didn’t seem quite possible, because he felt like he was ramping up to some sort of inexplicable rush. Something important and maybe a little dangerous or maybe something that was exactly perfect.
Teddy spoke next. “This weekend, would you help me make my deliveries, and then you can meet my mom?”
“Your mother?” He must have misheard her, her voice muffled by his chest. He had never heard Teddy talk about her mom, and he had assumed she was out of the picture. If her mother was around, then why was she living with Andre? “Where does she live?”
“She doesn’t.” She pulled her face away from his chest and gave him a wan smile at his clear confusion. “She’s buried at the old church, but I still visit her when I can. I’d like you to meet her.”
“Oh…” There was so much he still needed to learn about her. Her mother was dead? What had happened? No wonder she was so dedicated to family. No one cherished those around them more than those who had lost everything. So yeah, maybe she had some hang-ups about that, but suddenly they made a lot more sense.
“But we don’t have to if you think that’s creepy,” she said quickly, and he realized that she had misinterpreted his tone.
“No, I would love to. I’m honored that you trust me with something like that.”
“Yeah, well, I’m trying this new thing out where I take some select folks at their face value instead of assumin
g they’re out to get my family and me.”
“…select folks is just me, isn’t it?”
One of her fingers flicked against his chin before resting back on his shoulder. “Hey, we all gotta start somewhere.”
He knew his smile was absolutely dorkish in response, but he didn’t care. “Well, I’m certainly not complaining.”
“Good, because I’d hate to kick you out right now. I’m rather enjoying the moment.”
“Me too.”
Her fingers continued exploring, gently stroking. Eventually, however, they reached an area he wasn’t used to people touching, one he hid from everyone.
“What’s this raised area?” Teddy asked, her voice low. Contented.
He was sure that he could tell her it was nothing; he was even tempted to. But if he wanted Teddy to trust him, didn’t he need to do the same for her?
“It’s my scar.”
“Scar?”
He nodded, not quite looking down at her. Afraid that of what he might see. “Yeah.”
“You mentioned it before, I think. That time I caught you after the gym.”
“Yeah. So, you’ve seen it.” He’d almost forgotten about that moment, how exposed he had felt. But as he recalled it, the last thing he expected was a chuckle from her.
“I don’t know how to tell you this, but I was a little distracted by, well, all you got going on. I didn’t notice any scar.”
“What?”
She tilted her head up so just the point of her chin was resting on his chest. “I said, you’re too hot for your own good and all those shining muscles dazzled me. I didn’t notice a scar.”
How could she not notice his scar? It was ugly and raised. Awful. He hated it more than anything else.
“You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”
Now she leaned back fully, giving him a solid look. The same kind he’d seen Frenchie give Solomon once or twice. “When have I ever said something that I didn’t mean?”
Okay. That was fair. “Sorry,” he apologized with a breath. “I just find it hard to believe.”
