“I love you, too … I keep feeling as though I’ve failed you.”
“That’s bullshit,” he said, and she smiled. “You haven’t failed anyone. And you’ll probably end up with twins after all this and make your sisters wild with envy.”
“I love you.” She was smiling again, and her heart felt lighter. She was sorry she had ruined their evening.
“Happy anniversary, sweetheart.”
“Happy anniversary,” she whispered. He turned off the light and held her for a long time, thinking about their future, and wondering what would happen to her if they never had a baby.
Bradford and Pilar spent their anniversary night at home. They had been planning to go out to El Encanto, but Tommy catted them just before they left and told them that Nancy was in labor. They spoke to her for a few minutes, too, and Pilar told her that they would wait at home until they heard the news. But Brad looked disappointed when they hung up.
“Why’d you tell her that? It could take hours. The baby might not be here till tomorrow morning.”
“Come on, sweetheart. We can go out tomorrow night. It’s our first grandchild, and we should be here, if they need us.”
“One thing you do not need when your first child is born is your father.”
“I just think we should be here. What if something goes wrong?”
“All right, all right … we’ll stay home.” He loosened his tie and looked at her ruefully, grateful that she was always so attentive to his children, and had been for so many years. They were very lucky to have her, and he was glad that they finally knew it.
Pilar walked into the kitchen to cook dinner for him, and they ate pasta and drank wine while sitting in the moonlight on the terrace.
“Actually,” he said, smiling at her, “maybe this is better than El Encanto. It’s certainly more romantic. Have I told you lately how much I love you?” He looked handsome and young in the moonlight as he said it, and she looked beautiful in a soft blue silk dress the same color as her eyes.
“Not in the last two hours. I was beginning to worry.”
They stayed out on the terrace after she cleared their plates away, and he talked about how nervous he had been when Nancy was born. He had been thirty-five, which wasn’t young for a first baby in those days, but he’d been terrified and felt like a kid while he paced the waiting room, waiting for their baby. He said he’d been an old hand at it when Todd was born, and he’d handed out cigars to everyone in town, he was so proud. He confessed to her then that he’d bought some cigars a few days before and he was going to do the same thing when Nancy had her baby.
Pilar felt happy for them as she thought about it, she knew how excited they were, and she hoped things were going well. And they were both surprised when the phone rang just after ten-thirty. They were still sitting on the terrace, and Pilar ran to answer it. It was Tommy, and then Nancy, sounding happy and excited. They’d had a little boy, weighing in at just over nine pounds.
“And it only took three and a half hours from beginning to end,” Tommy announced proudly, as though Nancy had performed a feat no one else had.
“Who does he look like? Me, I hope,” Pilar teased, and they laughed.
“Actually,” Nancy said, sounding immensely pleased, “he looks just like Daddy.”
“Thank God.” Brad’s voice came across the line, he had just picked up the extension in the bedroom. “He must be a handsome guy.”
“He is,” Tommy added proudly.
Brad asked if everything was all right, and they told him it had been perfect. Nancy had had no anesthetic at all, she had had the baby naturally, and Tommy had helped her. And after a few minutes they all hung up the phone, and Brad walked Pilar slowly back out to the terrace, smiling proudly. He had a grandson.
“Things sure have changed,” he murmured as they sat down. “If anyone had asked me to be there when my children were born, I probably would have fainted.”
“Me too,” Pilar smiled. “That part never did hold much appeal. But they sounded so happy, didn’t they? Like kids, all excited and proud and pleased.” She felt tears fill her eyes as she said it. It was a feeling she had never known, and probably never would now. And then she looked up at him and smiled. “Funny. You don’t look like a grandfather,” she teased.
“That’s good news. Would you like a cigar?”
“I think I’ll pass.” But she knew what she would like, as she sat looking out into the darkness that was the ocean.
“What were you thinking just then?” He had seen the look in her eyes, and it touched him deeply. There was something lonely and raw deep within her that he never saw. But it was there now, an undeniable avalanche of feelings. The feelings were so deep that even with him she didn’t dare bring them to the surface.
“I wasn’t thinking about anything,” she lied.
“That’s not true. You were thinking something very important. You never look like that, Pilar. Tell me what you were thinking …” She had looked like that the night she agreed to marry him, and only once or twice in the years before that. He took her hands in his, and moved closer to her. “Pilar … what is it?” He was startled to see when she turned to him that she was crying. There were long rivers of silent tears on her cheeks and an age-old look in her eyes that made him want to reach out and hold her, to keep her protected from the sorrow that overwhelmed her.
“I was just thinking … it’s silly of me … they’re young, and they deserve all this … I was just thinking of what a fool I’ve been.” He could barely hear her voice in the soft darkness. “I was just thinking how much I’d love to have your baby …” Her voice drifted off and he didn’t say anything for a long time, he just held her hands and watched her.
“You mean that, don’t you?” he asked softly. He wished with all his heart that she had come to it earlier, for both their sakes, but it was impossible to ignore the naked longing in her eyes, or the way she had said it.
“Yes, I do mean it,” she said, and it reminded him of when she had accepted his proposal of marriage, after so many years of insisting that she wanted to stay single. And now, after all these years, and the absolute conviction that she never wanted children, now at the eleventh hour … she wanted to have his baby.
He put his arms around her then and held her close to him. He hated knowing that somewhere deep inside her she felt so empty. “I don’t like your not having what you want … especially when it’s important …” he said sadly. “But on the other hand, I’m awfully old to start having children again. I may not even live to see them grow up,” he said seriously, and she smiled. She understood. She wasn’t trying to force him.
“I need you here till I grow up, and that could take a lot longer,” she said, wiping her tears away.
He laughed gently. “You could be right.” He sat back and looked at her then, and smoothed the tears from her cheeks with loving hands. “So what are we doing about this baby?” He asked with a look of amusement.
“Which baby? Nancy’s?”
“No. Yours. Mine … ours … the one you seem to want so badly.”
“Are we doing anything about that?” She looked at him in amazement. She hadn’t even wanted to tell him what she felt, because she didn’t want him to feel pushed, but he had pressed her and she had told him.
“Is this really something you want very, very badly?” he asked seriously, and she nodded with an overwhelming look of love in her eyes. “Then we’ll try it. I can’t make you any promises at my age. For all I know, none of the machinery works anymore anyway, at least as far as making babies. But we can certainly try … it might be fun …” He grinned wickedly at her and she threw her arms around his neck. He had totally taken her by surprise with his reaction, but not as much as she had surprised herself or him. If anyone had ever told her she would one day want a child, she would have laughed till she cried. And now, finally, she wanted a baby so badly that she was crying.
“You’re sure?” She looked at her husband
tenderly. “You don’t have to do this.”
“Yes, I do … I wanted to have children with you a long time ago, you know. You just like making me wait for things, don’t you?”
“Thank you for waiting,” she whispered softly, hoping that it wasn’t too late for either of them. That was possible, and there was no way to know. They’d just have to try, and see what happened.
Charlie had bought champagne and a beautiful little ring for Barbie for their anniversary. He wasn’t sure why, but he had the distinct impression she’d forgotten what the date was. He didn’t want to say anything, because he wanted to surprise her himself. He was planning to cook dinner for her, shower her with champagne, and give her the ring, which was heart shaped and had a tiny ruby in the center. He had bought it at Zale’s, and he thought she’d really love it. She loved jewelry and clothes and pretty things, and Charlie loved buying her little surprises. He loved buying everything he could for her, she was so beautiful, and he loved her so much, and as far as he was concerned, she deserved it.
She had told him that she had an audition for a detergent commercial the morning of their anniversary, and she was going shopping with Judi and her roommate that afternoon when she was finished. They were going shopping at the Broadway Plaza, and she said she’d be home in time for dinner. Charlie hadn’t wanted to make an issue of it, because he didn’t want to spoil the surprise he had planned for her. But by six-thirty he was beginning to panic. She was usually pretty reliable, but when she went out with Judi and the girls, sometimes they had a few drinks, and she forgot the time. He hoped she’d be home before much longer. And the audition had probably been stressful for her, it was a national, and she wanted to be an actress so badly.
Barbie had only gotten half a dozen parts in the past year, and none of them amounted to much, except one where she got to dance and sing, dressed up as a California raisin. But so far her big break hadn’t come, and her Hollywood career hadn’t happened. She did a little freelance modelling whenever she could, mostly bathing suits, and Charlie was proud of her. He didn’t mind her acting or working as a model, but he didn’t want her waiting on tables anymore, or even working in a store, like Judi did. For the past six months, she’d been working in the cosmetics department of Neiman-Marcus, and she kept trying to get Barbie to come to work there, too, but Charlie didn’t want that for her. They made enough with his commissions to get by most of the time. Now and then, things got a little tight, but when they did, he cooked macaroni and cheese, and they stayed home and watched TV, and then eventually another commission would roll in, and he’d come home with a big bunch of flowers for Barbie. He was always good to her, and sometimes his kindness made her feel guilty.
She tried to explain it to Judi sometimes. It felt wrong sitting around at home, doing her nails, calling her agent, going downtown to meet Judi for lunch, when she knew Charlie was working so hard to support her. But Judi thought it was just fine, and told her how lucky she was, and Barbie had to admit she enjoyed it. After years of work, as a showgirl, as a waitress, even pumping gas once in Vegas between jobs, now she felt like a real lady of leisure. And she was good to him, too, or at least she tried to be, but it still seemed weird to her to be married. It seemed strange to answer to someone for where she went or what she did, to be hooked up with one man, to stay home all the time, instead of going out to party. Sometimes she still missed the old days, especially when she went out with Judi and the girls, and heard what they were up to. But then she’d come home to Charlie, and he was so sweet and decent to her, it was impossible not to love him. She just wished he could be a little more exciting, but the plain truth was, he wasn’t. But he was steady, and she could count on him. No matter what, Barbie knew he would always be there for her. And sometimes even that frightened her, it was as though she could never escape him. And then she would ask herself why she would want to.
By seven o’clock, Charlie had dinner ready, and the table was set, and then he went to take a shower and get ready for Barbie. He put on his blue suit, and took his gift for her out of the drawer where he had hidden it. The champagne was in the fridge, already chilled. And by seven-thirty he was completely ready. He turned on the TV, and by eight o’clock, his roast had started to fray around the edges. And at nine o’clock, he was completely frantic. Something had obviously happened to her. She’d probably had an accident, he told himself, he knew what a lousy driver Judi was, she got into accidents constantly. He called her, and there was no one home, and then he called again at nine-thirty. The phone machine was on, so all he could do was leave another message. But at ten o’clock, when he called, Judi picked up the phone, and she sounded a little startled when she heard it was Charlie.
“Where’s Barb?” he said, the minute he heard her voice. “Is she all right?”
“She’s fine, Charlie, she left a little while ago. She should be home any minute. What’s all the excitement about?” Judi sounded annoyed and Charlie sounded desperately worried.
“How’s she getting home?” Why didn’t Judi drive her?
“She took a cab. She may not be home for a while, but she’ll get there eventually, Charlie. Keep your shirt on. You’re keeping her on a pretty short leash these days, aren’t you?”
“It’s our anniversary,” he said sadly.
“Oh.” There was a long silence at the other end. “I’m sorry.” They had gone out, and had a few drinks just as he had guessed, and she had forgotten the time, until well after nine-thirty.
“Thanks.” He hung up, and went to turn off the oven. Why had she gone out with Judi and the girls again? Why tonight, on their anniversary? And why hadn’t he told her? All he wanted to do was surprise her with some champagne and a homemade dinner. It would have been easier to tell her what he was planning. He knew how vague she was, how she liked to float around and visit friends. It had been really stupid to try to surprise her.
He heard her key in the door at ten forty-five, he was watching the news, and he jumped up when she walked in. She was wearing a tight black dress and high heels, and she looked incredibly sexy.
“Where were you?” he said anxiously.
“I told you. I went shopping with Judi.”
“That was eleven hours ago. Why didn’t you call me? I’d have picked you up.”
“I didn’t want to bother you, sweetheart.” She gave him a peck on the cheek and then noticed the table. She looked startled, and then suddenly deeply guilty. “What is this? What did you do?”
“It’s our anniversary tonight,” he said softly. “I cooked dinner for you. I guess it was dumb to try to surprise you.”
“Oh, Charlie …” Tears filled her eyes as she looked at him. She felt like a real louse, particularly when he poured the champagne and brought out the remains of the roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.
“It’s a little well-done.” He grinned sheepishly, and she laughed as she kissed him.
“You’re the best,” she said, and she actually meant it. “I’m sorry, baby. I just didn’t remember. That was really stupid of me.”
“It’s okay. I’ll know for next year. I’ll make a date with you, and we’ll go to a restaurant. Someplace really fancy like Chasen’s.”
“This looks pretty fancy to me.” Most of his dinner was burned, but the champagne tasted great to her. She’d already had more than a few drinks, but she never minded a few more. And a little while later, they were on the couch making love, her black dress and his blue suit lying in a heap on the floor, and Charlie didn’t give a damn about his burned dinner.
“Wow!” he said happily when they finally came up for air. “Wow … wow! Wow!” She laughed at him, and they made love again, and it was three o’clock in the morning when they finally headed for their bedroom. They didn’t wake up the next day till noon, and when they did, Barbie had a terrible headache. She could hardly see when he opened the shades, and then he remembered the gift he’d meant to give her the night before, the little box from Zale’s. He went to get it
and handed it to her as she lay in bed, complaining about her headache.
“I don’t know why I like champagne so much. It makes me feel like I have jackhammers in my head the next morning.”
“It’s the bubbles. Or at least that’s what someone told me.” He never really drank enough to bother him, but there were times when she did. She could never resist when she got her hands on a bottle of bubbly.
“What is this?” She was slowly tearing the paper off the little box and squinting at him, as she lay on their bed in all her naked glory. She was a remarkable-looking girl, and he could never keep his eyes or his hands off her body.
“It’s an anniversary gift, but if you take much longer opening it, I may have to interrupt you.” It was almost painful looking at her, just seeing her like that always made him want her. In the past year she had become a serious addiction. And then finally, she opened the box and found the ring, squealed with delight, and said she loved it. He did so much for her. No one in her entire life had ever been as kind to her, yet there were still times when, because of her past, it was hard for her to open up and trust him. But when he was this sweet to her, she always felt guilty about it.
“I’m sorry about last night,” she said huskily, and then she slowly rolled over toward him, and he forgot everything except her legs and her hips and her thighs, and the incredible breasts that never ceased to amaze him.
They didn’t get out of bed again until two in the afternoon, and then they went to take a shower together, and they made love again. Charlie was in great form and much better spirits.
“Actually, in spite of a slow start, I’d say this was a great anniversary.” He grinned as they finally dressed for dinner. They were going out to meet friends, and maybe go to a movie.
“I think so too,” she said, smiling at her ring, and then she kissed him. But as she looked at him, she could see that he was hesitating about something. He had the look he got when there was something he wanted to ask her, but was afraid to upset her. “What’s up?… never mind.… I know … wrong question.”
Mixed Blessings Page 11
