“You’re certainly getting ready, aren’t you?” Brad teased. She was so excited, she couldn’t imagine how she was going to wait until August. She told her secretary and her partners at their Christmas lunch, and they almost fell out of their seats. And she laughed happily at the look on their faces.
“Surprised ya, didn’t I?”
“You’re kidding, right?” Her partners couldn’t believe it. She had always been the champion of the feminist cause, one of the early supporters of legalized abortion in California. What had happened to her? Was it change of life? Middle age? Mid-life crisis?
“No, I think it’s marriage,” she confessed. “I don’t know … I just started thinking how sad it would be if we never had a baby.”
“You’re lucky it wasn’t too late,” her secretary said quietly. Her husband had died when she was forty-one, and when she married “the man of her life” two years later, they had been desperate to have a baby. Neither of them had ever had children before, and they had tried everything to conceive and nothing had worked. And her husband was dead set against adoption.
Alice and Bruce were particularly pleased for her, and Marina had been jubilant when Pilar told her.
“I feel so lucky,” Pilar said softly. “I really didn’t think it would happen, even once we made up our minds. It’s such a miracle when it happens. When you’re young, you think it’s no big deal, you screw, you get knocked up. And if you’re fifteen in the back of a pickup truck, you can count on it. After that, nothing is quite so certain. You take every test, you do it on the right date, and at best you have an eight to ten percent chance of getting pregnant. It’s a wonder anyone ever does.” She grinned. But she had. And she was thrilled. She told everyone her plans to work right up until the end, and everyone was excited for her when they heard. Pilar Coleman had everything she wanted.
Unlike Charlie Winwood, who sat in Dr. Pattengill’s office, staring at him in disbelief. He had just told him that his sperm count was just under four million. Charlie thought that was great news for about five seconds, until the doctor explained it.
“Forty million is minimal for the normal range, Charlie.” He looked at him seriously, anxious to be supportive. “Four million is way too far below that.” And the concentration of sperm had been less than one million per milliliter, which was five percent of what it should be. And less than two percent had been moving, again shockingly low, when fifty percent would have been normal.
“Is there anything we can do to bring it up, so to speak.” He smiled, and the doctor did too.
“Possibly hormones. But you may just be too far below the normal range. I’m not sure we can bring your sperm levels up far enough, but I’d like to check you again before we do anything.” He had brought the other vial in. “We’ll do another check now, and one more next week. And while we’re waiting for those results, I’d like to do a few more tests. One of them is a sugar test to check for fructose. With your low volume of sperm, we could be dealing with a blocked duct and that could give us an important clue.”
“And if it is blocked?” Charlie asked, his face white beneath the freckles. He hadn’t expected this … but Barb had been right. There was a reason why she wasn’t getting pregnant. He had a low sperm count.
“If there’s a blockage, there are several possibilities; we can do a testicular biopsy, or a vasogram. But that’s a long way off, and I doubt that you’ll need that. I’d like to do an orange dye test on you, to see why the sperm don’t move well. And the hamster test.” He smiled. “You’ve probably heard of that. Everyone who’s ever had a friend with a fertility problem seems to know about that one.”
“No, I’m afraid I don’t.” What were they going to do to him now?
“We use a hamster egg and impregnate it with your sperm. It’s actually a sperm penetration assay. But if the hamster egg is impregnated, the fertilizing capability of your sperm may be sound, and if not, it can be indicative of a serious problem.”
“I never even had one as a kid,” Charlie said unhappily, and the doctor smiled gently.
“We’ll know a lot more next week.”
But the week before Christmas was the worst in Charlie’s life. He went back to Dr. Pattengill, and got what to him was a death sentence to his marriage. The second sperm count was far worse than the first, and the third even more depressing. In one of them he had almost a zero sperm count, the motility of his sperm was poor, and there was no blockage to account for the low semen volume. And even the hamster test had been disastrous. The hamster had not gotten pregnant, but Pattengill didn’t find the results of the hamster test surprising, given the numbers. And there was absolutely nothing they could do. If his hormone levels were higher, it might have been worthwhile trying clomiphene, but he was too far below the normal range to try that, and with no blockage to account for it, there was no appropriate surgery either. “You have to think of alternative plans for your family,” the doctor said softly. “With these sperm counts, it’s just about impossible for you to impregnate anyone. I’m really sorry.”
“There’s absolutely no chance?” Charlie’s voice was a squeak in the suddenly airless room, and for the first time in years, he felt his asthma.
“Virtually none.” It was a death sentence to him, and he was sorry he had ever come. But maybe it was better knowing than hoping.
“Nothing I can do, Doc? No medicine, no treatment?”
“I wish there were, Charlie. You’re very close to what we call essentially a zero sperm count. You just can’t make a baby. But you can adopt. If your wife is willing, you might want to consider donor sperm, and have her artificially inseminated. Then you could go through the birth process together. That works very well for some people. Or you may even want to consider not having children. Some couples are very happy ‘child-free,’ as they call it. It allows you more time, greater closeness, less stress in some ways, than the addition of children to a marriage. Even biologically related children can add enormous pressure to a marriage. You and your wife should talk about all your options. We can provide counseling to help you find what’s right for both of you,” he said gently.
Great. Charlie sat staring dumbly out the window. Hi, Barb, well, I found out today I’m sterile, you don’t have to worry about having kids anymore… What’s for dinner? He knew that she would never agree to adopt, let alone to artificial insemination. The idea of even suggesting it to her almost made him laugh … except that he wanted to cry so badly.
“I don’t know what to say,” he said as he looked at the doctor.
“You don’t have to say anything. It’s a lot to absorb all at once. And I know how painful it is for you. It’s terrible news. It feels like a death sentence, but it isn’t.”
“How do you know?” Charlie said tersely, his eyes filled with tears. “It looks a lot different from that side of the desk.”
“That’s true, and I don’t usually tell my patients this, Charlie. But I have the same thing you have. In fact, mine is more severe, not that that makes much difference. Classic azoospermia, in my case. Zero sperm count. My wife and I have four children, and all of them are adopted. I know how you feel. But there are other solutions. You won’t get your wife pregnant this month, or any other month, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a family, if you want one. But as I said, the right answer for you may even be not to have children. Whatever’s right for you. You have to find those answers.”
Charlie nodded, and eventually he stood up, and shook the doctor’s hand and left. Peter Pattengill hadn’t been quite the miracle worker Mark’s brother-in-law had promised. There were no miracles for Charlie. There was nothing. There never had been. No parents, no family when he was growing up, and now no kids of his own, and sometimes he wondered if there was even Barbie. She was so separate from him, so distant and independent. Lately he hardly saw her anymore, she was always at auditions, or out with friends, and he was always working. And now what was he going to tell her? That he was sterile? Great
… and how would you like to have artificial insemination with donor sperm, sweetheart? That would be a big hit with her. He could hardly believe it.
He sat in his car for half an hour before he started it, and as he drove home, the Christmas decorations he saw looked like an insult. It reminded him of when he’d been in the state home as a boy, and he used to look out and see homes across the street with Christmas trees, and lit-up reindeer on the lawn, and mothers and fathers and children. He had always wanted to be one of them, and he couldn’t even have that now. It was like a cruel joke. And all his life, that was all he had ever wanted.
When he got home, Barb was out, but this time she had left him a note, and said she was going to an acting workshop and wouldn’t be home till after midnight. It was just as well, he couldn’t have faced her anyway and not told her. He poured himself a stiff glass of Scotch and went to bed, and by the time she got home, he was so drunk he was unconscious.
Pilar called her mother on Christmas Day, and the temptation to tell her about the baby was great, but somehow she managed to resist it. And she also knew that half of her desire to tell her was to prove her wrong, and let her know that she was not too old to have children. But Pilar was smarter than that, and she said nothing about it as she wished her a Merry Christmas.
She called Marina, too, who was in Toronto, celebrating the holidays with one of her many sisters.
And later in the day, Brad and Pilar opened their presents with Todd and Nancy and Tommy and little Adam. Pilar had spoiled everyone, especially the baby. There was a huge teddy bear, and a little swing, and some adorable clothes she had found in a boutique in L.A., and a beautiful German rocking horse she had ordered from New York. And she had lovely gifts for everyone else. She was thrilled to see Todd, looking handsome and well and full of tales of his job and girlfriend in Chicago. And she felt closer to Nancy than she had in years. They had so much in common now, although her stepdaughter did not yet know it.
They had a wonderful meal, and as they drank champagne and ate Yule cake afterward, Brad smiled at her, and she nodded.
“I have something to tell you all, which I know will come as something of a surprise. But life is full of wonderful surprises.” She smiled at Adam gurgling in his high chair as she said it. He was wearing a little red velvet suit she had bought him and given Nancy before Christmas.
“You’re becoming a judge too!” Todd guessed, pleased for both of them. “What an impressive family!” Todd saluted.
“You’re buying a new house!” Nancy offered, hoping that her father would let her live in this one if they decided not to sell it.
“Better than that.” Pilar grinned. “And much more important—and no, I’m not becoming a judge. One is enough in this family, I’ll leave those important matters to your dad.” She smiled tenderly at him while everyone waited, and then she took their breath away, as she spoke softly but proudly. “We’re having a baby.”
There was total silence in the room, and then Nancy laughed nervously. She didn’t believe it. “You’re not.”
“I am.”
“But you’re so old,” she said rudely, as her father watched her. She reminded him suddenly of the spoiled little girl she had been when she objected to his going out with Pilar when he first met her.
“You told me you had friends older than I who were having first babies,” Pilar said quietly. “You told me I should think about it before it was too late.” She was forcing her to remember her own words, and Nancy didn’t like it.
“But I never thought … I just … don’t you and Daddy think you’re too old for a child now?” she said bluntly, while her husband and brother watched her in silence.
“No, we don’t,” her father said calmly, “and apparently Mother Nature doesn’t think so either.” He was happy about the baby, and for Pilar, and he wasn’t going to let Nancy spoil it. She had her own life, her husband, her child, and she had no right to cast a shadow over theirs, or spoil Pilar’s pleasure by being jealous. “I’m sure it’s a surprise for all of you, but we’re very happy, and we hope you will be too. And I think it’s wonderful that Master Adam will have a new uncle.” He laughed, and Todd raised his glass to them.
“Well, Dad, you two are always full of surprises. But I’m happy for you both, if it’s what you want,” he said fairly. “I think you’re both good sports. I can’t even imagine having kids, especially if they turn out like us”—he looked pointedly at his sister—“but good luck to you both!” He toasted and then drank, and Tommy added his good wishes. Only Nancy looked annoyed, and she never recovered before they left. She snapped at Tommy when he picked the baby up, kissed her father good-bye with tears in her eyes, and never even thanked Pilar for their presents.
“I guess she hasn’t grown up as much as I thought,” Pilar said softly after they left. “She’s furious with me.”
“She’s a spoiled brat, and our life and what we do with it is none of her business.” He refused to let his children run his life, just as he refused to run theirs. They were grown-ups, and so were he and Pilar. And he wasn’t going to be affected by what his children thought. He wanted Pilar to have this baby. He knew how much it meant to her, and she had a right to have children, and if it was late in her life, then that was her business and no one else’s.
“Maybe she thinks I’m competing with her,” Pilar mused as they cleared the table and stacked the dishes in the sink, to leave them for their cleaning woman the next morning.
“Maybe. But it’s time she learned the world doesn’t turn around her. Tommy will set her straight, and so will Todd.” He was staying with them for a few days during his vacation.
“I thought Todd was wonderful and it must have been a shock to him too.”
“Probably, but at least he’s mature enough to know it’s not going to change anything in his life. Nancy will figure that out eventually, too, that it doesn’t diminish my affection for them. But she’ll make your life miserable in the meantime, if you let her.” And then he looked sternly at Pilar. “I don’t want her upsetting you right now. Is that clear?” He sounded very firm, and she smiled at him as they went back to their bedroom,
“Yes, Your Honor.”
“Good. And I don’t want to hear from the little beast until she remembers her manners.”
“She’ll be okay, Brad. It was a big surprise for her.”
“Well, she’d better shape up, or she’ll be in big trouble with her father. She gave you enough trouble fifteen years ago to last for several lifetimes. She has no tickets left for this one, and if need be I’ll remind her of that. But I hope I won’t have to.”
“I’ll call her next week and invite her to lunch and see if I can unruffle her feathers.”
“She should be calling you,” he growled, but she surprised them both by calling to apologize later that night. Her brother and husband had forced her to admit that she had no right to disapprove of what they did, and she had behaved very badly. She cried when she talked to Pilar and told her how sorry she was for being rotten to her, and Pilar cried too.
“It’s all your fault, you know,” she said emotionally into the phone, “if Adam weren’t so cute, I might never have done it.” But there was a lot more to it than that and she and Brad knew it.
“I’m sorry … and you were so sweet to me when I told you about Adam.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Pilar smiled through her tears. “You owe me a cheesecake.” It was her only craving for the moment.
And the next morning when they got up, there was a cheesecake in a pink box on the front step, with a pink rose on it. And Pilar cried all over again when she showed it to Brad. But he was glad that Nancy had come to her senses so quickly.
“Now all you have to do is relax, and have the baby.” It seemed like an endless eight months to wait till August.
Diana and Andy spent a quiet Christmas in Hawaii, and it was just what they needed, as they lay in the sun and baked day after day at the Mauna Kea. It was
the first time they’d been alone and away since the agonies of what they’d been through, except for their disastrous weekend in La Jolla in early September. And both of them were startled to realize how close they had come to destroying their marriage. They seemed to have nothing in common anymore, nothing to say, nothing to share, nothing to look forward to. They had been treading water for almost four months, and in truth they’d actually been drowning, until Thanksgiving, when for a moment there was a glimmer of hope.
It took two days of lying on the beach before they spoke to each other about anything other than food and weather. But it was the perfect place for them. There was no television in the rooms, nowhere to go, nothing to see, they just lay on the beach, and slowly began to recover.
On Christmas Day they shared a quiet dinner in the main dining room, and then went for a long walk on the beach, holding hands at sunset.
“I feel like we’ve been to the moon and back this year,” Diana said quietly. After a year and a half of marriage, she was no longer sure what she wanted or where they were going.
“I felt that way too,” he admitted to her, as they sat on the white sand and watched the surf roll in. And in a little while, when it was dark, the giant manta rays would come in to shore to feed, and the hotel guests would watch them. “But the thing is, Di … we made it … we didn’t go under … we’re still here, talking to each other, holding hands … That means a lot … We survived it.”
“But at what price?” she said sadly. She had given up all her dreams. And what was there to look forward to now? All she had ever wanted were children … but she had also wanted Andy. And he was still there. The only thing lost were her babies. It was hard to live like that, but on the other hand, he was right. Losing their dreams hadn’t killed them either.
Mixed Blessings Page 20
