“I guess we thought so when we bought it,” he said cautiously, and they spent the weekend there. But the following weekend they both found they missed Malibu, so they went back to the house she had rented. They were having a good time feeling young and unfettered. It was a perfect life, and Diana amazed him one night in mid-April when she said to him that she actually liked not having children.
“Do you mean that?” he asked. They had spent every night together for the past month, and he was happier than he’d ever been, and she looked relaxed and pleased, and like a whole new person.
“Yes … I think I do mean it,” she said slowly. “We’re so free. We can do whatever we want, go wherever we want, whenever we want to. We don’t have to think about anyone but ourselves, and each other. I can get my hair done without worrying about rushing home to baby-sitters, we can eat dinner at ten o’clock, we can leave for the weekend at the drop of a hat. I don’t know, maybe for a whole lifetime it would be pretty selfish, but for right now, I think I like it.”
“Hallelujah!” he said, and then the phone rang. And when he hung up, he looked at Diana strangely.
“Who was that?”
“An old friend.” But he looked pale and she was worried.
“Is something wrong?”
“I don’t know,” he said honestly, and she wondered at his expression.
“For a minute, I almost thought it was the lovely Wanda.” She smiled and he looked sheepish.
“You’re not far off,” he said, walking around the room with an odd look, and she watched him, suddenly worried.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” She looked frightened now. “Another surrogate? Oh, Andy, no … we can’t go through that all over again. I thought we agreed that that part of our life was over, at least for now, and maybe for always.” They hadn’t made any permanent decisions yet, but there were times when she really felt she might well be comfortable never having children.
“I think this is different.” Andy sat down and looked at her. “Last September, when we found out … when Dr. Johnston—”
“Said I was sterile,” she cut him off matter-of-factly.
“I spoke to an old friend of mine from law school. He handles private adoptions in San Francisco. I told him I didn’t want any fly-by-night stuff, but if he ever got a good one, from a nice wholesome mother, we’d be interested. That was him. I’d forgotten all about it.” Andy was looking at her intensely. He didn’t want to force her into anything, but they had to make up their minds quickly. There were several other people waiting for a child, and Andy’s friend was offering it to them first, as long as they let him know by the morning. It was Friday night, and the baby was due any minute. The girl had just decided to give the baby up for adoption.
“What did he say?” Diana was still as she sat very straight and listened. The mother was a twenty-twoyear-old girl, it was her first child, and she had just waited too long to have an abortion. She was a senior at Stanford and her parents didn’t know about the child, the father was a med student at UCSF, and neither of them felt they could afford a baby. They were both willing to give it up, but only to the right people. And Eric Jones, Andy’s friend from school, knew that Andy and Diana were perfect.
They had gone back and forth about whether or not to put it up for adoption, and they had finally decided for sure only that morning.
“What if they change their minds?” Diana asked with a look of terror.
“They have the right to do that until they sign the final papers,” Andy told her honestly, and she looked worried.
“And how long is that?”
“Usually about six months, but they can sign them sooner if they want to.”
Diana nodded as she listened to him. “I couldn’t go through that. Imagine what it would be like if they took it away … Andy, I can’t …” Her eyes filled with tears, and he nodded. He understood perfectly, and he wasn’t pushing her.
“It’s okay, baby. I just wanted to tell you. It wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t.”
“I know. Will you hate me, though, if we don’t take it? I really don’t think I can. The risks are just too enormous.”
“I could never hate you. I think if we wanted to do an adoption, this is an ideal opportunity, but nothing says we have to do it. Now, or later. It’s your call completely.”
“I feel like I’ve only just gotten back on my feet … and we’ve just gotten our marriage back together. I don’t want to jeopardize that, or risk a terrible disappointment.”
“I understand,” he said, and he did. They spent a peaceful night in each other’s arms, and when he woke up the next morning Diana was gone. He got up and went to look for her, and found her sitting in the kitchen, looking awful.
“Are you okay?”
She looked desperately pale and he suddenly wondered how long she’d been up, or if she’d gone to bed at all. “No, I’m not,” she answered.
“Are you sick?” he said, looking worried, and then she smiled bleakly and shook her head, which relieved him.
“I’m not sure yet. I think I’m just scared to death.” And then he knew, and he smiled as he looked at her. “Andy, I want to do it.”
“The baby?” He held his breath as he waited, he wanted it, too, but he hadn’t wanted to sway her. Now that she had let go a little bit, and found her way again, he knew the baby would be a wonderful addition to their marriage.
“Yes. Call them.” She could barely speak, she was so nervous as he dialed Eric Jones in San Francisco. He answered on the second ring, sounding groggy. It was eight o’clock in the morning.
“We want the baby,” Andy said tersely, hoping they were doing the right thing, and that the baby was healthy, and praying that the birth parents wouldn’t have a change of heart in the next six months, or before that. He knew that would destroy Diana, and possibly their marriage.
“You’d better get here quick,” Eric said happily. “She went into labor about an hour ago. Can you get on a plane now?”
“Sure,” Andy said, trying to sound calm, but feeling like a lunatic as he put the phone down and kissed Diana. “She’s in labor, we’ve got to fly to San Francisco.”
“Now?” She looked stunned as he called the airline.
“Now!” He waved her out of the kitchen and told her to pack for both of them, and five minutes later he was upstairs, throwing things to wear out of his closet with one hand, and using his razor with the other.
“What are we doing?” She started to laugh as she looked at him. “Last night I was telling you how happy I was that we didn’t have children, and now we’re running around like two nuts, running to San Francisco to catch a baby.” And then suddenly she looked frightened again.
“What if we hate them?… What if they hate us? Then what?”
“Then we come home again and I’ll remind you of what you said last night, about how nice it is not having children.”
“Christ, why do we put ourselves through this?” She groaned as she pulled on a pair of gray slacks and black loafers. Her life had become a roller coaster ride again and she wasn’t at all sure that she liked it. And yet she knew that she wanted it. And she could feel the doors of her heart slowly opening again, and it was both terrifying and painful. There was no way to protect yourself from getting hurt. If she was going to love this child, she had to allow herself to be completely open.
“Look at it this way,” he said as he threw his razor into his suitcase and kissed her. “It beats the shit out of having lunch with Wanda.”
“I love you, do you know that?” She smiled at him as he locked their suitcase.
“Good, then zip up your fly and put your shirt on.”
“Don’t push me around, I’m about to have a baby.” She put on a silk shirt, and grabbed an old dark blue blazer.
It was a sweet moment in their lives, and neither of them wanted to forget it. They drove to the airport in record time, just made their plane and were in San Francisco at eleven-thirty
in the morning.
Eric had told them how to get to the hospital. She was at Children’s Hospital on California Street, and Eric was waiting for them in the lobby, just as he’d promised.
“Everything’s going fine,” he reassured them, and he escorted them upstairs to the waiting room for the delivery area, and then he left them. Andy was pacing, and Diana just sat, staring at the door, not sure what she was expecting, and a few minutes later Eric came back with a young man, and introduced him simply as Edward, the baby’s father. He was a nice-looking young man, and it was funny, he looked a lot like Andy.
Edward was blond and athletic, with good features, and he was pleasant and intelligent when he started talking to them. He told them that Eric had told him all about them, and he and Jane were very excited about the idea of their taking the baby.
“You’re sure you don’t want to keep it?” Diana asked him pointedly. “I don’t want to go through this and have my heart dragged through a wringer,” she said, and they all knew she meant it.
“We won’t do that, Mrs. Douglas … Diana … I swear it. Jane knows she can’t keep this child. She wanted to for a while, but she just can’t. She wants to get her master’s, I’m in med school. Our families are supporting us, and they just wouldn’t support that decision. And I wouldn’t even let her ask them. The truth is, we don’t want a child. We have nothing to give it right now, emotionally or otherwise. It’s not the right time for us, and we’ll have plenty of other children later.” It seemed kind of a cavalier thing to say, as far as Diana was concerned, and she was always impressed by how confident people were about the future. How did he know that everything would be all right later? How could they give away a baby on the assumption that they could always make another one later? Look what had happened to Diana. “We’re sure,” he promised again. And he sounded to the Douglases as though he meant it.
“I hope so,” Andy said soberly. They asked him a few questions then about their health, their drug habits, their families. And Edward asked them questions about their lifestyles, their beliefs, their home life, their attitudes about children. And as far as they could see, Eric had been right. It was a perfect cross-match.
And then Edward surprised them. “I think Jane would really like to meet you.”
“We’d like that very much,” Andy said. He had expected to meet her after the birth, but Edward seemed to be beckoning them beyond the door that said LABOR AND DELIVERY, DO NOT ENTER.
“You mean now?” Diana asked, horrified. It would have been like having a stranger at some of her tests, although admittedly it was a happier occasion, but it was nonetheless private, and they were total strangers.
“I don’t think she’d mind.” She’d been in labor for six hours by then, but things had slowed down, Edward said, and they were thinking of giving her Pitocin to speed up her labor.
He had the confidence of a medical student as he led them down the hall, and then took them into the labor room where he had left Jane, leaving only Eric in the hallway.
Jane was a pretty girl with dark hair, propped up against the pillows in a hospital bed, panting furiously with a nurse, and then she stopped and stared at them as the contraction ended. She knew who they were. Edward had told her they were there, and she had told him that she wanted to meet them.
“Hi,” she said shyly, but she didn’t seem to mind their being with her. Edward introduced them to her, and he seemed very protective of her. She looked younger than she was, and there was a gentle, childlike quality about her. She had exactly Diana’s coloring, and there was a similarity about their eyes which even startled Andy.
And then, as they spoke, the contractions started again, and Diana thought they should leave the room, but Jane signaled them to stay with her. Andy looked faintly uncomfortable, but the young couple seemed so at ease with them that, in a moment, neither he nor Diana really felt too awkward.
“That was a bad one,” Jane said, looking at Edward, and he checked the fetal monitor and nodded his approval.
“They’re picking up, maybe they won’t have to give you the Pitocin.”
“I hope not,” she said, and smiled at Diana. And as though a bond had already formed between them, she reached for Diana’s fingers when the next pain came. It went on like that until about four o’clock, and Diana and Andy stayed, and by then, Jane was starting to look tired. The pain was really getting her down, but it seemed to be leading nowhere.
“It’s taking forever,” she complained, and Diana felt like her mother as she gently stroked her forehead and offered her ice chips, and she didn’t even have time to think how extraordinary it was that only the night before she didn’t even know about this girl, and now Jane was giving her their baby. Edward had had a private conversation with Jane, and afterward told Eric that he and Jane definitely wanted the Douglases to adopt the baby. As far as they were concerned, it was a done deal, and when Eric asked Andy and Diana, they had agreed it was all in order. Now all they needed was the baby.
At five o’clock, the doctor came in to check Jane again, and Andy went out in the hall to chat with Edward, but Jane had asked Diana to stay with her. And Diana felt so motherly toward this girl suddenly, and so protective.
“Hold on,” Diana said gently, “just hold on, Jane … it’ll all be over soon.” She wondered why they didn’t give her anything for the pain, but the nurse explained that the contractions hadn’t been effective enough yet, she was only five centimeters dilated after ten hours of labor.
“You’ll take good care of my baby, won’t you?” she suddenly asked nervously, as another pain came when the doctor left. He had said they were a long way off yet.
“I promise. I’ll love it as my own.” She wanted to tell her she could come and see it whenever she wanted, it seemed so cruel to be taking her baby away after all this, but she knew that she and Andy wouldn’t want her to come back to visit “I love you, Jane.” she whispered when the next pain came, and she really meant it, “and I love your baby.” Jane nodded when she heard the words, and then she started to cry. The pains were brutal.
They broke her waters at six o’clock and after that the pains really began raging. Jane had all but lost control by then, and Diana wasn’t even sure she knew who was with her. It had been an exhausting afternoon, but when she tried to leave for a little while, Jane clutched frantically at her, it was almost as though she needed Diana to be there.
“Don’t go … don’t go …” was all she could pant between pains as Edward stood on one side of her, and Diana on the other. And then finally, finally, the nurse said she could start pushing, and the doctor appeared, and suddenly they threw green pajamas at Edward, Andy, and Diana.
“What are these for?” Andy whispered to the nurse.
“Jane wants you both at the delivery,” Edward explained. They each dressed in the tiny bathroom, and then they followed Jane down the hall at a dead run, while she was pushed on the gurney to the delivery room. They put her quickly on the table, draped her, and put her legs in stirrups, and then covered her legs in blue paper. And suddenly everything around them seemed frantic. She was screaming and doctors and nurses were coming in and Diana was suddenly terrified that something was wrong, but everyone seemed calm, just busy. And she had her hands full, talking to Jane as Edward held her shoulders, and told her when to push at the doctor’s signals. She was pushing with all her might, and then suddenly Diana saw a bassinet enter the room, and she realized this was for real. And when she looked up at the clock after they’d been there for a while, she was surprised to see that it was almost midnight.
“We’re almost there, Jane,” the doctor said. “Come on, keep at it, just a couple more big pushes …” And with that, he signalled to Diana. He knew why they were there, and he was happy for her. He beckoned to her to come and look between Jane’s legs, and when she did, she could see the baby crowning. A tiny head with dark hair, slowly pushing its way through … pushing … pushing … as Jane worked, and then suddenly t
here was a cry, and she was out of her mother and into the world, looking up at Diana with amazement, as Diana let out a little cry, and Andy stood beside her crying.
The doctor wrapped the baby carefully in a drape and handed her to Diana, still attached to Jane by the cord, and Diana felt rivers of tears run down her cheeks until she could barely see, and when she looked up, all she could see was Andy.
They stood side by side, looking at the miracle of her, and then Diana gently handed her to Jane as soon as the cord was cut. She had worked so hard to give birth to her, she had a right to hold her. But Jane only held her for the briefest moment. She put her to her breast, and then kissed her, and handed her to Edward. She was crying, too, by then, and she looked absolutely exhausted. Edward looked at his daughter long and hard, seemingly without emotion, and then handed her to the nurse. The baby was weighed and checked, and all her birth scores were perfect. She weighed seven pounds fourteen ounces, and was twenty-one inches long, and finally, after almost two years of agony, Diana had her baby. She stood looking at her in the bassinet. She had big, wide eyes, and a look of astonishment as she seemed to stare at her brand-new parents. And they stared at her, and held hands, in awe of the miracle of life, and unspeakably grateful to Jane and Edward.
Andy and Diana ran around like lunatics the next day, buying diapers and tiny T-shirts and nightgowns, and little socks and booties, warm hats and blankets, and the endless list of things they were told they’d need when they picked the baby up on Monday morning. And that afternoon they met with Edward and Jane again, and signed the preliminary papers.
Jane looked better than she had at midnight the night before, but she looked somewhat shaken by the ordeal, and she got very emotional when she saw Diana. She tried to thank her for everything she’d done, and for loving her little girl, but in the end, all she could do was cry as Edward held her.
“I’m so sorry.” Diana cried, too, as she watched them, she felt as though she were stealing the baby from them, and for an instant her own resolve almost melted. “I promise you, we’ll take such good care of her … and she’ll be so happy.”
Mixed Blessings Page 26
