by PP
“How can you explain that no prisoners survived?” asked Coen.
“At the end, we drove the spiders into the tunnels underground the fort,” I explained. “They all died when we flooded the underground.”
“Did you try to negotiate with the prisoners?” asked Coen. “Was there any attempt to establish a line of communications with the prisoners? Isn’t that procedure in all prison riot situations?”
“The minute I drove my armored car through the prison gates, the car was destroyed by an anti-tank rocket. There was no time for negotiations. I was pinned down against that wall over there by machine gun fire and mortars.”
“No time?” asked Coen. “Isn’t it true you had time to order and eat five hundred pizzas from Pizza Hut?”
“Lieutenant Lopez offered the spiders pizza if they would surrender, but none would come out of their holes,” I explained.
“So, one of your junior officers did try to negotiate with the prisoners?” asked Coen. He looked around and recognized Lieutenant Lopez walking by. “Lieutenant Lopez, do you have any comments about what happened here today?”
“No habla English,” replied Lieutenant Lopez. “Go fuck yourself.”
* * * * *
Private George Rambo Washington, the first spider legionnaire, drove our only remaining armored car back to Disneyland. It was a treat for Private Washington because he had never driven a human vehicle before. I doubt he could get a civilian driver’s license. His driving was scary. Even scarier were his thoughts. I could read his mind with the chip Guido had sold me. Private Washington kept thinking about running other drivers off the road. He obviously suffered from road rage.
As much of the company as possible was piled into the back the armored car. I rode up front. As we entered the outskirts of Disneyland, Private Tonelli began yelling about a house we had passed. He said it was one of the safe houses that he had been held in. We circled around the block. I noticed a video camera mounted on the roof above the front porch. I ordered Private Washington to drive through the front wall at fifty miles per hour and warned everyone in the back to hang on. A spider guard in the front room was killed instantly by the crash impact.
Sergeant Green led legionnaires in a room-by-room search of the house. In a bedroom we found a spider that Guido’s dragon had killed. Guido also showed us the entrance to the tunnel in the living room. We dropped a few grenades down the tunnel and radioed in for the engineers to destroy the place later. Private Washington stepped out onto the back porch to check the yard. He noticed what looked like another trap door. A rug only partially concealed another spider hole. Perhaps the occupant had closed the door so fast, he was not able to get the rug completely over the door. Private Washington pulled the rug away and threw open the trap door, revealing a spider hole.
A lone occupant called out, “Don’t shoot. I will throw out my pistol. I am the Lion of the Forest. I surrender. You will be quite a hero for capturing someone as important as me. You will be promoted. I can give you information about the insurgency. I order you to take me to Czerinski.”
Private Washington pulled the pin on a grenade and tossed it into the hole. The explosion made a mess of the Lion of the Forest, but his remains were later positively identified from DNA.
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CHAPTER 6
General Kalipetsis came to Disneyland to talk to me in private. He had the room scanned for listening devices before dismissing his aides-de-camp and ordering Lieutenant Lopez to leave.
“I got an interesting E-mail,” started General Kalipetsis. “It is from the Lion of the Forest.”
“The Lion is dead,” I commented. “He died heroically.”
“I know, but I will read the E-mail to you anyway,” said General Kalipetsis. “Dear General Kalipetsis: If you are reading this message I am dead and my cause is lost. Congratulations. My Emperor abandoned me and the Legion defeated me. I am not bitter. What galls me is the thought of Czerinski gloating over my corpse. So, I am reaching out from the grave to snatch the big prize from Czerinski. As you know, Czerinski stole a prototype Formicidaen starship from our joint custody. Later Czerinski claimed the starship was destroyed during the Formicidaen War. He lied. The starship is buried in a cavern far below the ruins of Czerinski’s burned-out casino on the DMZ. I hope the scoundrel goes to prison. My time is gone. Bury me upside down so Czerinski can kiss my ass.”
“That is quite an E-mail,” I said. “The Lion of the Woods is a very vindictive spider.”
“Initial seismic tests indicate there is a cavern deep below your old casino,” said General Kalipetsis. “Before I go to all the trouble of secretly excavating under your property, you need to tell me the truth. Did you hide that starship under your casino?”
“Yes,” I admitted. “But I stole the starship to deny it from the spiders. History proved I was right that the spiders cannot be trusted. I am vindicated.”
“Maybe,” said General Kalipetsis. “But you also stole the starship from the United States. We could have used that starship in the last war. And you kept the starship for personal gain.”
“You are thinking about arresting and charging me?” I asked. “You will not dare do that. The stealth technologies in that prototype starship are invaluable. Its secret possession will give the United States Galactic Federation a distinct strategic advantage over our alien neighbors. If you charge me and put me on trial, the secret will be out.”
“I may try you in secret and throw you out an airlock,” said General Kalipetsis. “Treason is a serious matter.”
“I used that starship to destroy the Formicidaen Empire,” I argued. “I even was awarded a medal for my initiative.”
“Okay, you have made some good points,” said General Kalipetsis as he stood up. “I came here to resolve this matter, not to arrest you.”
“This conversation is not over,” I said. “Sit down. I have business partners to settle up with. I want to be compensated for giving the Shenandoah to you.”
“You aren’t giving it to me,” said General Kalipetsis. “The United States is taking rightful possession of the Shenandoah.”
“By treaty, you are required to share the Shenandoah and its secrets with Arthropoda,” I said. “I am giving you exclusive possession by not telling the spiders about the starship.”
“After this last little war, we have a new treaty with the spiders,” said General Kalipetsis. “And it says we get all of New Colorado and everything on it.”
“You are splitting hairs,” I said.
“And you are attempting to blackmail the United States into paying for your silence,” said General Kalipetsis. “Your government appreciates your sacrifices, but extortion will not be tolerated. Neither will treason.”
“My seizure of the Shenandoah was eventually sanctioned by the United States. That means the Shenandoah is a prize ship. I am entitled to a percentage of its worth. Old Earth human history is rich with precedent to support my position.”
“Human history yes,” said General Kalipetsis. “United States history I am not so sure about.”
“Also, under established Admiralty Law I am entitled to salvage rights because the Shenandoah was lost, and I helped you find it,” I argued.
“It was stolen, not lost. I am not a lawyer. Obviously you have had more time to ponder these issues than I have,” said General Kalipetsis. “However, being a legionnaire, you are not entitled to anything you salvage without a special agreement. You work for me.”
“I was a civilian between enlistments. Remember? I kept the Shenandoah safe from the spiders during that time.”
“It does not matter. I am not authorized to pay you anything. And I am certainly not asking Congress to write you a check.”
“Why not?” I asked. “Congress has plenty of money. How about this? We will submit the issue of compensation to an independent arbitrator.”
Agreed,” said General Kalipetsis quickly. “In the meantime
, I am transferring you and your company to the most remote part of New Colorado I can find. This will keep the press away from you. I want you out of the public’s eye until the diplomats can smooth things over with Arthropoda. Hopefully the Disneyland prison massacre will be forgotten in a few months.”
“I think I have too many enemies for you to just hide me in some far-off corner of New Colorado,” I commented. “Why did I have to join the Legion? I should have been a serious person and got a real job.”
“Don’t worry about it,” said General Kalipetsis. “Having enemies only means you have stood up for something sometime in your life. It shows you have character.”
* * * * *
“My orders are to take a squad to the North and scout our new home, Finisterra,” I announced. “Lieutenant Lopez, what does Finisterra mean?”
“Finisterra means End of the World,” advised Lopez. “It also can mean Land’s End.”
“Finisterra is about a thousand miles to the north. Engineers will be building a bridge across the New Mississippi River,” I said. “Our Company’s job will be to secure the area and keep the engineers safe from insurgents. This place is really in the middle of nowhere. Load up the armored car with extra food and gas cans. We are going on a road trip. Any questions?”
“Can I drive?” asked Private Washington.
“Yes,” I said. “But God save us. One more thing. We are stopping by a liquor store on the way out of town.”
“Outstanding,” said Sergeant Green. “Finally, we catch a break.”
Newly promoted Corporals Kool, Tonelli, and Ceausescu, and Privates Williams and Nesbit rode in the back with Sergeant Green. Lieutenant Lopez manned the mounted machine gun and cannon. I road shotgun with Private Washington. Spot rode on the roof because he stunk and because everyone was afraid to be near him. We bought Vodka and beer and started drinking immediately.
“Beer is living proof God loves us and wants us to be happy,” said Private Williams. He let out a rebel yell.
“I like vodka too much,” said Private Washington. “That is why I never use it.”
“You are a smart spider,” I said, as I poured vodka into my beer. “Especially since you are driving.”
“Beer is the best damn drink in the world,” said Corporal Kool.
“I see spider hitchhikers up ahead,” said Lieutenant Lopez. “Do you want to pick them up?”
“Oh hell no,” said Sergeant Green. “Run them over.”
“They are young females,” said Private Washington, as he pulled over to stop. “We have room. They should not be hitchhiking at night. There are too many unsavory types out and about.”
“Hello human pestilence,” said the first spider to get into the armored car. She sat between me and Private Washington. “My name is Pam. These are my slutty sisters Sam, Bam, Jan, and Fran. Can you take us to the edge of town?”
“Spider babes?” commented Private Williams, giving another rebel yell. “Want some beer and vodka?”
“Why are you going to the edge of town?” I asked, as I passed beer and vodka to Pam and her sisters.
“We are going to the drive-in theater,” said Pam.
“What is playing?” asked Corporal Ceausescu.
“It is a brand new horror film called Massacre at Habitat #40,” said Pam. “It is supposed to be so scary it was almost rated X. Want to come with us?”
“In an armored car?” I asked.
“I think your car is awesome,” said Pam. “There is so much room.”
“Hell yes,” said Lieutenant Lopez, leaning on his machine gun. “Let’s go to a movie.”
Everyone let out a cheer as Private Washington swerved hard to the right and entered the drive-in theater. We had to park way in the back because of the high profile of the armored car.
“I did not know our kind were allowed in the Foreign Legion,” said Pam, as she put her hand on Private Washington’s Legion shoulder patch. “You look very handsome in that uniform.”
“I am not one of your kind,” corrected Private Washington. “I am green. You are black.”
“Once you have gone black, you will never go back,” Pam said with a giggle as she pawed at Private Washington’s buttons. “Fran! Lets rape this big green cutie!”
“I would love to,” replied Fran as she jumped up front and attacked Private Washington.
The commotion shoved me out the passenger’s side door. I fell face-first in the dirt. I could no longer walk because I was drunk, so I crawled to the next car. It contained a family of spiders. I gripped the car and pulled myself up to a standing position. The driver was very upset. “You human pestilence are a disgrace,” said the driver. “You are degenerates with no morals.”
I could not understand most of what the driver said. My head was spinning, and I was about to fall over. I urinated on the side of the car as he rolled up his windows and drove off. I fell backwards.
“Do you think we should assist Washington?” asked Corporal Kool, as he peered over the cab divider at the fight in the front seat. Washington appeared to be losing.
“Yes, help me!” pleaded Private Washington. “Help! Get them off me!”
“No, don’t interfere,” said Lieutenant Lopez, as he watched the movie. It was a war movie. It upset Lieutenant Lopez because the spiders were winning. “Spiders have rough mating rituals. Private Washington is having the time of his life.”
“That is so hot,” said Corporal Kool, still peering at the fight.
“Help me,” cried Private Washington, again.
Lieutenant Lopez fired a burst from his machine gun at the movie screen. Then he fell back into the bed of the armored car, excusing his action with, “Damn spiders were overrunning our position. I had to do something.”
Corporal Kool turned his attention to Corporal Ceausescu. She was snuggled up against Sergeant Green. An angry spider a few cars down threw a vodka bottle at the armored car, but Corporal Kool didn’t much care. “Hey Elena, want to do a threesome?”
“Gross!” said Corporal Ceausescu. “Not if you were the last pig in the galaxy.”
Private Nesbit asked Jan if she wanted to walk with him to the concession stand to buy some popcorn. She said yes, and they walked off together hand in claw.
I was still lying on my back. Bam approached me, but I drew my pistol and aimed it at her. She pouted and went back to the armored car where she snuggled in against Ceausescu.
“You humans are so hot-blooded,” said Bam. “It is like going to bed with my very own hot rock.”
“I am a female,” said Corporal Ceausescu. “Get your claw off my ass.”
“Excuse me,” said Bam, now frustrated. “I could not tell the difference because you dress the same and your markings are hard to read.”
“I think you are so hot,” said Corporal Kool, as he handed Bam another beer. “Give me a kiss.”
“You are just the cutest little fuzz ball I have ever met,” said Bam, as she wrapped eight arms and legs around Corporal Kool. They rolled out of the car and onto the ground.
Sam leered at Tonelli, Williams, and Lopez. “What is a girl going to do with so much variety?” she asked. “I will take all three of you.”
“I am not drunk enough,” replied Guido, when Sam gazed at him.
“It would be a sin,” added Lieutenant Lopez, crossing himself as he pulled himself back up to the machine gun.
“A coward and a religious fanatic,” commented Sam, shaking her head in disapproval. Her eyes locked on Williams.
“You are all mine,” said Private Williams, sounding off with another rebel yell as they embraced and fell over.
“That is disgusting,” said Corporal Ceausescu as she and Sergeant Green left to find some privacy on a blanket underneath the armored car.
“It’s the cops!” warned Lopez, aiming his machine gun at the police car. The police car approached with blue lights flashing.
Two newly appointed spider deputy sheriffs got out of the police car. I staggered u
p to them and gave the largest one a hug. “I am so glad you came,” I slurred. “Someone threw a vodka bottle at our car.”
“Who fired the machine gun at the movie screen?” asked one of the deputies.
“I don’t know,” said Lopez, still using the machine gun to hold himself up. “I think the screen already had holes in it before we arrived.”
“That’s right,” said Corporal Kool. “It did.”
Pam popped her head out the window and shouted, “Go away! We are busy!”
