“I'm sure it won't make a dent in your precious Mason trust fund.”
“Really? You’re stoopin’ to that? Alex, you have always been snarky, but as Lexie, you’re just a complete bitch!” He crossed the few steps to shout the insult straight into my face.
“I’m the bitch? You’re the spoiled, rich, asshole. Just like all the rumors in Arlis.”
“You mean the same rumors that said you’re a homeless slut. Oh wait, I guess that’s all true now.”
I slapped him.
The sting radiated across my palm from the force I put into the hit. This conversation needed to end before something catastrophic happened, but I think it was already too late. I had hit Jess, and he looked like he wanted to drown me in the lake.
“We need to stop.” It came out breathless as I focused on the ground to break our murderous eye contact. “Take a break.”
“You want a break? That’s what you really want?”
“Yes.” I looked up and bit down hard on my lip.
“Then fine! You can have your damn break.” Jess gave me a brief look as to say it’s your final chance. I watched his body turn and stock off down the trail.
I’d never hated Jess in the past. He made it impossible to truly hate that sweet, smiling face. Oh, I had been mad at him plenty of times, but it was never true repulsion. Tonight was different. Hidden in my gut, I knew his accusations came not from anger but something far deeper. I was slowly breaking his heart, and the pain oozed out in dagger strikes. Even in his devastation, I didn't deserve something like this from my best friend. We were not together. Yet, he made me feel like some lying, cheating tramp.
I sat on the log by the lake for almost an hour. This was a mess, like a cluster-fuck of a mess. I really hit him. How was that even possible? It was his fault. He pushed and pushed and I broke. I took a deep breath in my nose, counted to five, and released it out across the night air. I needed to calm down and then go back. Maybe we could have a civil, adult conversation about our situation.
I returned to camp, but Jess was gone. He had packed up and left after our fight. The rage inside me grew. How dare he just leave! Our problem wasn’t settled. He just drove off in the middle of the night, after showing up unannounced, spouting off hurtful and hateful words.
I should call Sadie. I snuffed the rational thought the moment it hit my brain. Instead, a switch flipped in my mind as I mulled through his terrible words over and over again, like a broken record player. I stomped through the camp, looking for my target. Dutch sat on a bench just out of sight from the mess hall. I watched him exhale a faint cloud into the hair. He had a bag of Funyuns in his hand.
“Hey.”
“Hey Lexie. You ok? Your face is…”
“I'm fine.” I cut his words off with a snip. I took the joint from his fingers and stared down at the faint glow on the tip. Fumbling with it a moment, I looked back into his confused face. "I just wanted to know if you’re busy. Give me twenty minutes and I’ll meet you at the Hatchet House."
“Sure?” Surprise flicker across his cheeks then a smile formed on his lips. “Um…that sounds good."
“Ok then.” I lifted the end to my lips and pulled in a long drag, only to succumb to a fit of coughing.
“You shouldn’t take in so much at once. That’s some pure grade shit I don’t share with those losers. Here let me show you how…”
“I’m fine,” I sputtered. Taking a step back, I recovered enough to try again. My lips clamped down, and I inhaled a small drag that bubbled out with just a small throat clear. I sucked in another puff. It was easier now, so I pulled in three or four more before I handed the joint back to Dutch.
“See you in a minute.”
“Lexie?”
I heard Dutch, but I walked off toward the bunks. Damn him! Double damn him for leaving! I was so angry, I couldn’t even think straight. I went to Darcy’s closest to find a dress. I wanted to feel sexy for my meeting with Dutch. I yanked dresses off the hangers, looking for the perfect one. I felt the prickly sense of someone watching and turned to see a swirly image evaporate into the darkness. I was going crazy.
Turning back around, I continued to paw through Darcy’s inappropriate attire until I found a red, slinky one with spaghetti straps. I took off all my clothes and pulled the spandex fabric over my body. The sensation returned, and I spun around faster this time, catching the full image in my peripheral vision.
Against the hazy darkness, Alex appeared with a concerned look etched on her freckled face. She watched; she disapproved. I didn’t care. In a blink, she disappeared again as I left the bunk wearing the scarlet colored fabric.
Stumbling over a few rocks, I followed the trail toward the small shed located a half mile away from camp. My gray tennis shoes made the dress a little less sexy, but the walk needed the rubber soles. The frogs seemed incredibly loud tonight, like a song of echoes through the trees. Was it a large frog, bigger than all the others?
I turned around a few times, searching for the croaking noise and watching the moonlight shine like a spotlight on the trees. An iridescent glow bounced off the leaves, reflecting back as a sparkle into the dark woods. How did I miss the intensity of the moon before tonight?
The handle of the Hatchet House required a body-pulling tug. The small room had tools lining the walls and a large mower in the corner. It was dirty and gross and smelled like gasoline. So this was the glorious building the staff used as a hook-up lounge. Dutch stood by a little worktable in the center of the room. He leaned over with a small straw as I shut the door.
“What are you doing?” The question came as he inhaled white power off the dirty table. I heard music playing somewhere in the room. I looked up to see his phone perched on a shelf, setting the mood for our little meeting. Dutch wiped the power off the tip of his nose.
“Just a little pick-me-up before I have to spend the night with the little shitters at the campfire.” He smiled and his teeth seemed to glow beneath the single bulb hanging from the ceiling.
“Is that coke?”
“Darcy keeps a stash. I thought you knew that?”
“No.” I shook my head.
“You want some more of this? It’s some pretty strong shit, but you seem to handle it like a champ.” He reached out with the remaining butt from his joint. I took the small piece, inhaling the last few drags from the tip. My fingers dropped it to the floor, and I twisted out the remains.
“So Lexie, I don’t know what finally changed your mind, but I’m glad you did. We’re going to have some fun.” His fingers rested lightly around my waist, pulling me close. “You look hotter than shit tonight in that dress.”
Dutch leaned in to kiss me. Over the summer, we had exchanged passionate and desperate moments, but tonight it was none of those intense feelings. Dutch exhaled, filling my nose with the scent of Funyuns. He pressed my back against the table and then lifted me in the air to sit where he just snorted the powder. The music grew louder and his breath seemed sweaty on my neck as his mouth trailed down the front of the dress.
Dutch pulled the straps off my shoulders. He kept pulling until the top of the dress was around my waist, exposing my naked skin. I should feel vulnerable, but my sense of shame got masked by the drugs floating in my head. The longer I was here, the less I seemed to care.
Dutch inched the dress up over my hips, leaving my ass exposed. I had left my cotton panties back in the bunk. He stepped back and dropped his jeans, then reached for his boxers. I focused on his brown eyes. I searched the dilated pupils for something real, but only found an empty heaviness.
I saw her again. Alex watched from across the room. I closed my eyes to block her out. I really was going crazy. Dutch pulled me to the edge of the table. He had no idea what this night meant for me. Maybe he was too high or just didn’t care. Either way, it was too late to change the actions set in motion in the heat of anger. In this life-defining moment, I felt nothing; an empty void of raw emotions from what I tried to forget.
Dutch released my body, and it was over just like a shot at the doctor’s office; just like a needle causing a quick stab of pain, followed by a nurse throwing the capped syringe away in the plastic red trash. It was impersonal yet invasive, shooting through the living cells of one’s body.
“That made the night just about damn perfect.” He kissed my cheek as the music echoed in a loud crescendo, bouncing off the walls, creating an aggravating volume that pounded inside my head.
I shifted on the work bench, trying to pull down my dress. The prickly wood stabbed my bare butt cheek impaling a splinter. I laughed at the ironic stupidity of getting a splinter impaled in my ass.
“What’s so funny?” Dutch asked. I noticed he was already dressed.
How did he get dressed so fast? Time was speeding by while I sat here with a splinter in my ass. Time? How much time has passed since Jess left? He left me and I had sex with Dutch. It really happened. Jess accused me of being an unfaithful, drug-abusing whore, and just left. Now I was exactly that person; the terrible one he accused me of becoming this summer.
Who the hell is Lexie? I heard his voice again. You’re mine. I’m being paranoid. It’s we since we were eight. That mocking voice is not here. You can have your damn break. You can have your damn break. My hands gripped across my forehead, pinching the skin around my hair line. Jess drove away. He is not talking. You are not here! Did I chant the words out loud or just as an echo in my mind? I wasn’t sure.
I dragged the tips of my fingers down my face, catching on my eyeballs. Anxiety ripped through my gut, bringing up the lingering taste of bile. My eyes darted around at the hatchets and chainsaw glaring like gnawing teeth. The sound of engines and swirling wind circled through the room. I couldn’t breathe. I felt pain; a raw hurt in my chest and somewhere else I wanted to forget. I panicked.
What have you done, Alex? I don’t know. Something terrible. Are you talking to yourself? I heard the thoughts again like they were spoken out loud. Lexie, are you ok? The tone sounded so deep and unlike my own.
“Lexie?” Dutch’s voice pulled my attention back through a silent, tunnel vacuum. I heard nothing but the sound of faint music. His eyes blinked back, looking straight into mine. The light bulb continued to swing above our heads.
“Are you ok? You should have taken it easy on the joint.” His fingers brushed my bare skin as he pulled the red straps back on my shoulders. Shit! Until that exact moment, I didn’t realize I was still perched on the nasty table, stoned out and topless.
“You leaving?” My voice quivered a little. Dutch silenced the music on his phone then jammed the case down in his right jeans pocket.
“You want to come? I’m on camp-out duty tonight, remember?”
“Oh, right. I forgot you said that earlier. Go on without me. I'll come later.” Dutch looked at me a second then came back for a light peck to the lips giving me a kiss of Funyun-coated nothing.
“You sure I should leave you here?”
“Yes. I’m fine.”
“Alright. I’m pulling the zombie in the woods story out tonight. Scared the literal crap out of two of them last week. Not kidding. Shit their pants when Breck jumped out of the woods. Don’t want to miss it this time. Catch you later, Lex?”
“Yeah.”
The wooden door shut with a hard bang, wedging it closed. I never wanted to see Dutch again in my life. Sliding off the table, I collapsed against the dirty floor. I felt as nasty as the pieces of mud and oil that clung to my legs.
I felt sick. Sadie would kill me. Jess would…my thoughts came to a halt. Jess would hate me forever. Isn’t this what I wanted to prove? The fact we could never be together? No, damn it!
My throat constricted, cutting off my air supply. I couldn’t have a real relationship with Jess, so I killed the only one I did have with him. Jess no longer was my future or my friend.
“Shit!” I screamed it out loud with every ounce of energy I had remaining.
The weak muscles of my stomach gave out. I leaned over and I threw up on the floor. Lifting the edge of my dress, I wiped the hem across my lips. I threw up again, feeling the liquid splash all over my legs. I threw up again, not bothering to even lean over this time. Nasty chunks of hamburger rolled down my chest. I hated Dutch. I hated my life. I hated the Masons. I hated myself. I hated Jess for leaving.
I sat in my own vomit until two in the morning and my head was almost clear. Covered in puke, I went back to camp. Most of the staff lay asleep in the bunks when I crept through to get my phone. I needed a shower, but what was the point. I hiked back out in the woods to a spot that guaranteed three bars of reception.
Part of me wanted to call Jess in a selfish act of needing to hear his voice. It was wrong, and I knew it. I clicked Sadie’s name and listened to the buzzy rings all the way in Chicago.
“Hello?”
“Sadie. I…I’m sorry. I know it’s late.”
“Alex? Sweetie, what’s wrong?”
“I really screwed up. I…I don’t know what to do.”
“Where are you?” Her voice went from groggy to action mode.
“I’m still at Rochellas. Jess came to visit. We had this fight. It was bad. We’ve never been so horrible to each other. He was screaming at me. All these terrible things. I slapped him, Sadie. Literally hit him, then he just left. I was so angry, like I couldn’t even stand being in my own skin. I did something unforgivable. It’s bad Sadie. Really, bad.”
“Ok, try to calm down. Tell me what happened.”
The story felt out in garbled clumps of rushed words. “I'm so stupid. What have I done? I went completely insane tonight. I swear I was having an out-of-body experience. It’s like I kept seeing myself do these things. I wanted to stop it but I couldn’t.”
“Did you at least use protection?”
“I might have been stupid but I’m not a complete moronic girl.” My mind swirled back through the hazy moments in the Hatchet House. “That’s not exactly true. I lucked out that Dutch preferred to be safe.”
“Well, that's at least something right now.”
“It was terrible too. I thought it would be different.”
“It usually is different, sweetie. You just experienced it with the wrong person in the wrong circumstances. Trust me.”
“How could I have been this stupid, Sadie? I'll have to tell Jess.”
“You two are not together. Unless your relationship status changes in the future, you don't have to ever tell him.”
“But it doesn't work that way with us. It's the reason we were fighting. You didn’t see the look on his face as he left. I wasn’t honest with him.”
“You are almost twenty years old. Bonds, promises, or whatever Booneyville pact you made will not last as adults. You are not obligated to tell him anything. What you did is none of Jess Mason’s business. He may think it is, but the details of tonight are most certainly not his business. Forget about what you think he needs to know.”
“I wish it was that easy to forget. I feel so nasty and slutty.”
“You are not slutty. Now Dutch? I'm sorry sweetie but I think he's a bit of a man whore. He took advantage of someone in a very distraught state tonight. This lifeguard has been interested all summer because you’re the only one who said no. He knew exactly what he was doing.”
“I was just so angry and…and…”
“It was a mistake. They happen. You take the lesson learned and vow not to do it again. Even the most organized person makes them.”
“You don’t make mistakes.”
“There’s varying degrees of mistakes. The main thing, you can’t let it destroy you. Take the turmoil and channel it into something else. It’s called capitalizing on your mistakes.”
“I don’t want to capitalize on it. I want to take it back. All of it. From the moment I got here. Erase this whole damn summer.”
“Can you take it back? No. Can you try to move forward? Yes. You will start by staying away from Dutch and Darcy the res
t of the summer. Ok? Promise me.”
“You don't have to worry. I never want to see any of them again. To be honest, I’m done. Part of me wants to just pack up and leave.”
“You could leave, I guess.”
“And go where? I can't move into our apartment until August and there's no way in hell I can go to Sprayberry right now.”
My head hung in despair, thinking of Jess at Sprayberry, seeing his face smiling on the meadow then changing to the haunting look of pain I caused in those blue eyes. Knowing Jess, he would drive all night then ride out to the burned up stump. He would sit for hours, watching the sunrise, contemplating how I had become a wretched bitch.
“Sweetie, why not come to Chicago?”
“Chigger won’t make it that far and I don’t have the money for a plane ticket.” I refused to involve a single Mason dollar in this night of stupidity. All the money I made this summer had gone to the New Orleans trip and the alcohol I contributed to the dock parties.
“What if I got you the ticket?”
“No, I can’t let you.”
“Early birthday.”
“Sadie, you always say that. I can’t add anything else to the birthday list.”
“You have a list for me too?” She asked as a joke, but I heard the question in her voice. Sadie thinks I’m insane. I pictured those concerned creases above her arched eyebrows with the cluck-cluck of disapproval.
“No, I’m not that crazy. At least I don’t think I am.”
“Ok, so not Chicago. Just stay and go out of your way to be a model citizen the next few weeks.”
“Staying just sounds degrading. I hate myself right now.”
“You seriously need to work on this anger and self-hatred cloud that follows your every move. You have to let it go. This summer just made it worse, but don’t wallow in the aftermath. What happens at camp stays at camp. If asked in the future, you never heard of something called the Hatchet House and you never inhaled.”
“You and your political bull crap cover-ups.”
The Mason List Page 22
