If they only knew the truth of my actions the past few months. Those bright red lips would spread every juicy bit of gossip about that no good Tanner girl, who was involved in drugs and wild sex, while breaking the heart of Arlis royalty. Afterwards, those women would line up with oak switches, aimed at my ass, and then they would drag me by my ear to the front pew for a heavy prayer session.
I let out a deep sigh of contemplation and then continued to search for my father and Caroline. I wanted to give one last hug before they headed to Galveston. The Masons had gifted a ten-day cruise as a wedding present.
I walked past Skeeter Rawlins, giving his new appearance a double take. He sat next to Uncle Frank, wearing a manicured beard and new haircut. His clear, green eyes smiled back in acknowledgement. Well I'll be damned. Skeeter looked like a whole new person in his white button-up shirt and red tie.
“Hey, Dad.” I found him enjoying a second piece of lemon-filled wedding cake.
“Hey, Pumpkin. Something wrong?”
“No, I just wanted to say goodbye now instead of later. You know how it gets when you let them have birdseed.” I smiled.
“Pretty crazy,” he chuckled.
“I wanted you to know. I really am happy for you.”
“I know you are.” He hesitated, staring into my gaunt, hollow eyes. “I’m worried. I’ve known something has been wrong. Whatever happened between you and Jess, you should try to fix it.”
“It's not that simple. I um, did something. It’s my fault, and he doesn't want to talk to me. I don't know if it can be fixed.”
“Nothing is beyond repair if you really want it bad enough. Have you apologized?”
“He won't let me. Jess doesn’t want to talk to me. He doesn’t want to hear it.”
“If you are truly sorry, then you say it until he hears you. No matter how many times it takes. I watched that boy take just about every punishment he could for you. Don't think I didn't know.” Embarrassment caused my cheeks to flush. “Just never give up, Pumpkin. Not on the important ones.”
“I don’t know, Dad.”
“Is he still important to you?”
“Yes.” I whispered, fidgeting in my ballet flats. My right hand bent the knuckles back on my left with a ripple of cracks.
“You want to tell me about it?”
“No, it’s your wedding. I don’t want to bother you with it.”
“I don’t care.”
“It’s ok, Dad. Really.”
“Ok. Come here.” Wrapping his arms around my shoulders, my father pulled me in for a tight hug. It felt good leaning on him for a moment. “You will try again with Jess. Promise?”
“Ok,” I nodded into his shoulder.
Jess had left the party. I didn't actually see him leave, but I felt his sudden absence. It didn't take a fancy, physiology degree to know where he slipped off to on the ranch. Leaving the clean-up to the capable hands of the Mason-funded catering staff, I trotted the short walk to the barns.
In the tack shed, I found my old, work cowboy boots stitched in a deep orange that Jess had bought me. I shoved my feet down in the dark holes and hoped for no spiders. Digging around in the shelves, I found another item hidden away in an old spot just like my shoes.
The four-wheeler fired up on the first try. With my satin dressed bunched up around my thighs, I sped across the meadow, feeling each nauseous bump. The hill with our burned-up stump came into view. I parked beside the other four-wheeler and killed the engine, staying astride the seat. I lacked the courage for the last few steps of the spur-of-the-moment plan.
Sliding off, I smoothed down my dress and walked quietly over the grass. My palm gripped the red packaged I took from the tack room. I stopped a few feet from where Jess sat leaning back against the stump. His shirt was unbuttoned at his throat and the blue tie was draped over his knee. Off to his right, I saw our names carved into the base of the stump. JESS + ALEX
The blue eyes looked up at me. I held out my hand in his direction with my Skittles peace offering. I could hear the old teasing voice; It's goin' to take more than Skittles, Al. Instead, of laughing he gave me hard stare with troubled eyes. I took a deep breath and went for it.
“I…I…I'm sorry, Jess. For everything. I just want you to hear it. I wish I could change what happened but I can't. Just know I regret it. I never wanted to hurt you like this. And …” I swallowed hard trying not to cry. “I miss you, Jess. I miss you every day,” my voice cracked. “Thank you for hearing me. I…I’ll leave you alone.”
I dropped the red package by his foot and turned around, feeling the tears run down my cheeks. At least he heard me, I thought to myself.
“Don't go.” His gruff voice made my body stop cold. Wiping my eyes, I turned back around to face him. Jess nodded a little to his right, indicating I should take a seat. I hesitated with a nervous twitch.
“It wasn't supposed to be this way.” He spoke again while I stayed glued to the spot, looking down at him. “You seemed afraid of me. You know, in the truck. You were huddled against the glass as far away as you could get from me. Like I’d reach over and hurt you or somethin’.”
“I'm not afraid. I just wanted to give you space.”
“Please just sit,” he asked again. I walked toward the tree and slid down a few inches away from him. Jess shrugged out of his suit jacket and gestured in my direction. “Put this on. You're goin' to get cold.”
“You don't have to be nice. I know you still hate me.”
“I don't hate you. I never could hate you.”
“But you said you couldn’t look at me.”
“I never stopped lookin’. It’s ‘bout damn impossible when your pictures are all over my walls.”
“Could have taken them down.”
“Well that seemed to be somethin’ I couldn't do either.”
“Oh.”
“Just take the jacket.”
“Thank you.”
I slipped the dark coat over my shoulders, smelling his scent wrap around me. All these months of inner pain melted into the warm fabric. It felt like I was finally home. I stayed quiet, afraid to utter something wrong, bringing an end to the magical peace filling every broken crevice.
“I miss you too, Al. Even when I wanted to just scream at you, I still missed you.” I didn't dare look in his direction at the strained words. “You know, the worse feelin’ in the world is wantin’ to call your best friend and knowin’ you can’t because they did somethin’ that hurt you. Somethin’ you thought they would never do. I must have picked up the phone a hundred times. It killed me every day. I wanted to go see you so bad, but I couldn’t stop thinkin’ ‘bout what you did. I was so angry at you. I’m still angry at you.”
His words tore through my heart. I wanted to wrap my arms around his body. I wanted to hold Jess and never let go. I wanted to tell his sad face I was sorry until he believed it without a shadow of a doubt. Instead, I spoke in a low, monotone voice never looking at his face. “What do you suggest we do?”
“You hurt me and I did my best to hurt you back. It didn't make it right or better. It just made us both miserable. I saw you that day before I slammed the door. You were just lookin’ at me. Cryin’. I hadn't ever seen you do that before. I’d seen you hundreds of times bitin’ your lip and keepin’ everythin’ sealed up tight. But that day you finally let it go and I just stood there, knowin’ I was the one person who finally broke you. It haunted me. Punishin’ you didn't make me feel better. It just made me feel worse. I shouldn't have walked away. I'm sorry.”
“Please don't apologize to me. I don't want you to.”
“If you want me to forgive you, then you have to let me say it.”
“It doesn’t feel right.”
“Alex, I missed your birthday,” he whispered. “I shut you out when somethin’ bad happened to you because of how it made me feel. I shouldn’t have left. You hurt me but I shouldn’t have left. It’s not what we do to each other.”
I missed him so much
. The tears slid down one after another creating cool marks in the breeze.
“This is different. Seein’ you cry.”
I turned to look at him. “Yeah, it happens a lot now.”
“Oh.” Jess lifted a finger up to touch my face and then yanked it back.
“I’m sorry I…I hurt you.”
“I know.” He exhaled deeply as he leaned against the tree. “I know you are. I’m sorry I made you cry. I’m sorry I left you.”
I stayed quiet, feeling the power of the words whisking around in the breeze. The meadow sounded and smelled of fall; each tree shedding the leaves to make way for new ones in the spring, creating the circle of life on the long, lanky branches. A beautiful paradise to those granted the privilege to witness the show.
“I miss comin’ out here.” Jess spoke again. “Everythin’ always made sense in this spot. Whatever was botherin’ me. I could just sit here lookin’ out across the meadow. Hearin’ absolutely nothin’ but my own breathin’. It was easy to forget anythin’ else even existed. There wasn’t nothin’ that couldn’t be fixed out here.”
“It was easier when we were kids. All of it.”
“I know.”
“Al, what he did was terrible. Have you been ok? I mean handlin’ it ok?”
“I don’t know. Losing you was worse. I didn’t think much about the video after you didn’t text me back. I just thought about you.”
“Yeah, my hand was in a cast that day. I didn’t do much textin’ for a while.”
“Jess…” Guilt ate into my shaking voice. “You got hurt? What did you do to him?”
“Bastard,” he muttered and paused for a moment. “I drove to Lubbock and beat the shit out of him.”
“Crap. I don’t know what to say.”
“I was pretty upset. Lots of um…feelins’ at the time.” Jess cleared the catch in his throat. “He had it comin’, Al. Bad things happen to stupid people. That's all you really need to know. He's still alive. Got all his fingers and toes.”
“Thank you.”
“Well, don’t think I didn’t enjoy it.”
“Is your hand ok?”
“Just a small fracture across the top. Three weeks in one of those floatin’ casts then two in a brace.”
“Oh.”
We sat leaning against the stump. Neither of us talked after discussing Dutch’s fate. Neither of us really knew where to go next. The breeze picked up rustling the grass. Orange painted streaks filled the west sky, casting shadows with the start of night. It was only a short time before our Texas stars appeared in the darkness.
“Jess, are we really ok?” I whispered.
“Yeah.”
“Promise?”
“Yeah.”
Jess slipped his fingers through mine. Like a puzzle piece finding its place, I gripped tight to his hand. I never wanted to let go again. The rational side of my subconscious wanted to question it, but my broken heart refused to listen. The warmth of his skin wove a magic around the shredded pieces filling the missing gaps. I was finally whole again.
“I quit the fraternity.”
“You did? When?”
Jess didn’t answer for some time, but clasped my fingers a little tighter. “I moved out after the first week of school. Seth left too, and we got an apartment. I had too much goin’ on here.”
I didn’t know what to say. Jess had an apartment, and I knew nothing about it. “Where?”
“Not far from you actually. I’ve seen you a few times at the grocery store.”
“Oh.” This felt incredibly strange. Jess had an apartment and watched me sometimes.
“I couldn’t keep up with school and workin’ with Frank and the fraternity stuff.” He let out a deep breath. “I figured out what to do ‘bout Sprayberry.”
“You did?”
“Yeah, he’s gettin’ bad. Mother’s right. She can’t even get him to go to the doctor. My dad spends time with him, tryin’ to secretly access him. Frank knows too. Makes him a little crazy.” His thumb rubbed over my skin. “They need me here…he needs me here.”
“But you came back to school?”
“I did. We hired Skeeter to help Frank while I’m gone, but I come back every weekend. Sometimes I come on Thursdays and don’t leave until Monday. Sometimes more. I’m gonna try to keep it up until I graduate. Then I’ll come back and…stay.” He smiled sadly at me. “I want this Al. This place and me just go together.”
“I know it does.”
“But I really want to finish school too. I’m gettin’ behind pretty bad. I don’t know…I might not be able to finish. I’ll try I guess.”
“I’ll help you. Let me do it, please.” The words rushed out. I saw a way to make amends with him. “We can do study sessions and…I’ll even make you flash cards. I know you love it when I make them.”
“You’re gonna teach me your nerdy pants ways.”
“Yes. I’ll do whatever it takes to help you graduate and still come here.”
“Thank you.” His smile seemed incredibly sad. “I’ve missed you so much. You have no idea how much I wanted to talk to you ‘bout all of this. I’ve been so torn up over what I’m doin’. Confused if it’s the right decision. Not knowin’ if I should just quit school all together.”
“I’m sorry…Jess.”
“I know.” He swallowed. “Frank even figured it out. He looked at me a couple of weeks ago and said Boy, there’s no use tryin’ to cover up the smell of shit with the stink of an ‘ol pole cat.”
“I think I even missed your Frank jokes.”
“I’m not kiddin’. Frank looked at me and said it, tryin’ to shake some sense into me, I guess.”
I laughed faintly. “So Skeeter really works here now?”
“I wondered how long you were gonna let that slide.”
“Skeeter Rawlins works at Sprayberry.”
“Yeah, he’s doin’ good too. The other day…”
We talked until my bones froze against the stump. Jess rubbed his thumb over the top of my hand, warming up my frigid skin. After months of hurt, the rope holding us together was growing stronger. That’s what happens when something severs a tie. A new one has to be woven in place around the broken threads, making it bigger and tougher than what existed before the ripping pain.
I watched my best friend, feeling a deep warmth radiate out of my chest and into my freezing limbs. It was an intense feeling that took my breath away as my mind finally accepted what it meant; something I had felt toward Jess Mason since I was eight years old.
Chapter 35
When I was twenty-one…
Today was my birthday. Standing in front of the mirror, I curled one last piece of my long, red hair. Sadie came into my bedroom and stopped suddenly.
“You are not wearing that tonight.”
“I just wanted to be comfortable,” I complained, but only my reflection in the glass heard the words.
She came back in the room carrying a flowy, red skirt with a black elastic waist. “Put this on and I guess the shirt can stay.”
“That’s way too short. I can’t wear that.”
“You have those ridiculous legs and all you do is cover them up. I’m taking you out, so put on the skirt. You only turn twenty-one once, sweetie.” She shook the hanger at me. I rolled my eyes as I looked at her little, black dress and shiny heals. My jeans had a hole in the leg and not the fashionable kind. It was a comfortable, ‘I’ve worn these for years’, kind of hole.
I dropped the jeans and pulled the skirt up. I tucked my fitted black shirt into the waist band. If I bent over to put on my shoes, my black panties would flash everyone.
“That looks better on you than it ever did on me. You should keep it.”
“Sadie, I will never wear it again.”
“We will see.”
Hearing a knock on the apartment door, I looked at Sadie, but she just shrugged. I went into the living room and opened the door, feeling the cool air hit my bare legs. Jess grinned back at me
. My breath caught in my chest, seeing his sweet face. He was supposed to be at Sprayberry because Frank needed him this weekend. “What are you doing here?”
“I couldn’t miss your birthday.”
“But I thought…”
“I couldn’t miss your birthday,” he said softly.
“Oh.”
He handed me a bag of orange slices. “Sorry, but they came from here. I didn’t have a chance to get the real ones.”
“I’m sure these are just as good.”
His blue eyes drifted over my hair and down the rest of my body to the short skirt and excessive amount of legs. “You look pretty, Al.”
“Thanks.” I blushed.
Jess touched my waist and then slipped his hands around my back, pulling me tight against his chest. The words remained unspoken, but we both remembered my last birthday. I blocked out those thoughts as I buried my nose into his neck. I pulled in a deep breath, getting lost in his smell. Jess didn’t let go until Sadie came into the room.
“Oh good, you made it. I was afraid I would have to employ some catastrophic incident to stall her.”
“You knew he was coming?”
“Happy birthday, sweetie.” She smiled, and I knew this explained her persistence in making me wear the skirt. “Now let’s go have some fun.”
“Where are we going?”
“That’s a surprise,” Jess grinned at me.
“I’m worried.”
“You’ll like it. I promise.”
“Jess, I am not riding a mechanical bull.”
He ignored me and looked at Sadie. “Seth’s gonna meet us there.”
“Meet us where?”
He grinned at me again. “Stop tryin’ to ruin your surprise.”
“If I have to ride that thing, then I’m doing a shot tonight.”
“You are not getting drunk.” Sadie turned to give me an evil look with those hazel eyes.
“One shot.”
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