by Hart, Cary
“All I’m saying is you have people around you that care. Don’t shut us out. Shapiro, I think he genuinely cares about you and your well-being. So, let him. Let him keep you safe while you heal here.” She taps my chest. “And in here.” She brushes her hand over the top of my head and I lean in.
“I’m sorry I’m so crazy.”
“Not crazy. You’re human.” Nina rises. “Come here.” She holds out her arms.
All my life I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in. The kid who no one wanted. The teenager who didn’t fit in and the adult who couldn’t be loved. I thought everyone had it all and I had nothing. Turns out, I’m not the only one. I’m as normal as the next person. We all have our demons.
“Thank you for the talk. It’s good to know I’m not going crazy.” I lean in to give her a quick hug.
“Just remember … not alone.”
“I know … but hey, enough about me. You have some exams you have to study for. I feel like I need to wish you good luck or something.”
“I’ll take all the luck I can get. I’m so over them.” She sighs. “Now, please, go shower.” She backs away as she waves her hand in the air “Before you start attracting flies.” She giggles, before turning to leave.
“I’m going!” I holler after her.
I thought I was going to be fine but listening to Nina now made me see that I don’t have to be and it’s going to be okay. Mama Ang was right. It’s a choice and right now, I’m going to choose to move on from the past.
I bend down to pick up my things.
And it’s a choice to take a shower.
I head to the bathroom to wash the past away, the way Shapiro locks it out.
Shapiro
Unbelievable.
How does one go from sleeping and not eating or drinking for a week to skipping out of the bedroom, ready to take on the day?
How?
I know it wasn’t me. I tried, I really did. And at one point, I thought maybe it worked, but when she said just one more nap. I knew it would lead to another and then another.
The way I saw it, I had two choices. Call in for reinforcements or take her to the hospital. And since she was just there, I thought maybe a friend would be a better option.
Friend? Is that what I am?
I’m not a friend. A friend wouldn’t have let her believe that all this happened because of her. A friend wouldn’t have abandoned her when she was begging you to stay.
Nope. I’m not a friend.
How can I be when I’m crawling in my own skin?
It’s consuming me. Probably like it’s consuming her, but that night I walked out of that bedroom I couldn’t see that.
I needed … no, I was fucking desperate to find a way to feel better, and in that moment, I didn’t care if I tossed the blame back her way. I just needed to feel something, anything other than what I was. The hurt was almost like a sickness and blaming the cure.
The blame.
She left Mama Ang to be with that low-life prick. The same one that led her there in the first place. If she wouldn’t have lied, if she wouldn’t have kept everything from her, Mama Ang would have found a way to make her see. To stay.
She could have been there to save her … but so could I.
The regret.
I promised Penny I would keep her safe, and this time I have gone above and beyond to take the extra precautions to keep her that way. But what I should have been doing is protecting her from me.
I’m fucking mad. I’m mad that Mama Ang left me. I’m mad that Penny decided to go back to that bastard and Mama Ang let her. I’m mad that I let my emotions get the best of me and I’m fucking pissed that I wasn’t there.
This one is on me. I should have been there. I should have called. What I shouldn’t have done? Place the blame on Penny, when I’m guilty of so much more.
I did this and I’m the only one who can fix it. But how?
I tried to get her up and moving. I tried to show her that waking up was the first step, but I couldn’t even do that. Hell, I couldn’t even get her to do something as simple as eating and drinking. I failed her. I’m fighting to win yet end up losing. Every. Damn. Time.
I thought maybe something else is going on. Something she didn’t feel comfortable talking to me about. So, I called Nina. If anyone could get her to talk, she could. Especially, since her situation is similar. They have bonded in ways that you shouldn’t ever have to.
When she showed up, I explained the past week. Went into detail about how we are losing her and then … she comes bouncing out of the room with a burst of energy she shouldn’t have had. Who does that? How can she do that?
I’m hoping Nina saw right through it. I’m praying that she’s in there, giving her the advice she needs to get up and get healthy.
Hearing the door open, I busy myself pretending I wasn’t just standing there leaning against the island, eyes trained on the bedroom.
Nina comes out first smiling as she jokes about Penny needing a shower and Penny quickly follows, hollering after her.
“So?” I hold my hand up to my mouth to muffle my question, but Nina doesn’t answer until Penny rounds the corner for the bathroom.
“Shapiro …” She looks up as she gathers her things. “She needs us. She needs you.” Her eyes pleading for me to fix this.
I’m trying.
“What can I do?” I take a seat at the island, unsure if I’m steady enough to hear what Nina has to say.
“Just be aware. Know the signs,” she says as she swings her bag over her arm.
“Signs of what?” I’m confused, unsure of how to fix this if she doesn’t give me some sort of clue.
“Her injuries …”
“What the hell aren’t you telling me? The doctor said they were mild compared to what could have happened,” I ask as I fold my hands in front of me.
“There’s more than the mild concussion … I mean yeah, that is pretty bad and that is why she’s sleeping so much, but the not eating or drinking. That’s more.”
“Dammit! I’m trying, Nina, I was one step away from force feeding the girl.” I throw my hands up in the air.
“Calm down.” Nina rounds the island to stand in front of me. “This shouldn’t be my story to tell, but after seeing her like that. The mood change, the not caring … I have to.”
Nina takes a deep breath and exhales. “She had a miscarriage.”
“A what?”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
Penny pregnant.
“She was only ten weeks along, but she was preparing for a family and in one moment, it was all ripped away from her.”
“Fuck. I didn’t know.”
A part of me wants to be pissed. Pissed that she got back with the fucker and he did this to her when he should have been the one to protect her. It was his only God damn job. Protect the woman he loves.
“I didn’t know either.” Nina hangs her head. “I’m her best friend and …” She shakes her head. “She stopped calling. I should have known.”
“Shit.” I rise and walk around to the other side of the island and lean back against it. Looking over my shoulder and right at Nina. “Don’t do that.”
“What?”
“Replay the last ten months in your head. There is no way, either one of us could have stopped this.”
“I know you’re right, but …”
“No buts, Nina.” I turn around and place my hand on her back to give it a quick rub. “She’s going to be okay because we know now, and we can prepare.”
“Speaking of which.” She turns and my arm drops. “Her mood is going to be all over the place, so don’t take offense to it. Just watch out for signs like this past week. Just don’t let her give up. Make her move.”
“Got it.” I give her a weak smile.
“Well, I better get going. I don’t want to be here when she comes out,” she says as she still stands there looking at me and I straighten my spine. Her eyes pi
ercing.
“Something else?” I break the silence to ease the intensity of the situation.
“I don’t know when or if she will ever be ready, but if you don’t give up on her …” She suddenly stops and begins to walk to the door and turns around. “You’re good for her.” A slow grin creeps up on her face. “And I think she’s going to be something else for you.”
Nina’s out the door. Not giving me a chance to respond.
Maybe she’s right?
Penny
Standing bare in the middle of the bathroom, I step into the shower, my toes flinching as they touch the chilled ceramic floor. I turn the dial, releasing thousands of piercing lukewarm drops that pelt my chest.
The water is refreshing, but not exactly how I like it. Reaching forward, I turn the knob a little too far causing a yelp to escape.
“You okay in there?” Shapiro calls out.
“Yeah!” I reassure him hoping he doesn’t freak out and call in more reinforcements.
Standing still, I wait for him to respond, but nothing. Just me, the water and my thoughts.
Forgetting the heat of the water, steam now fills the room. Turning, I lean my head back letting the sting of the water massage my scalp before it trickles down my back.
I instantly arch and my eyes fall closed as my mind fades into a dullness and everything before now a foggy illusion. Forgetting the images that were like photographs every time I closed my eyes.
The sensation of the steamy water calms me into forgetting everything I once cared about. Maybe it’s the water or maybe it’s him.
It’s the water.
Smiling, I let the water take me under, letting go. Right now, it’s like I’m free, standing under a waterfall as it cascades around me. So beautiful, peaceful.
Until my stomach reminds me I still haven’t listened to it.
Opening my eyes, I reach for the loofa I found in my bag of toiletries. Nina must have grabbed it from the house.
Glancing around, I notice Shapiro has the basics. The typical guy supplies, shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. Grabbing the bottle of soap, I pour a generous amount and begin to slather the cold, scented gel across my body. Bathing my skin lightly, taking careful notice not to touch the bruises that pepper my body.
Sliding my hands down the curves of my flesh, my eyes squeeze close as I begin to wash my stomach. My mind in shreds, remembering why I’m here … again.
The bruises, the cuts—those will eventually heal, but the wounds that you can’t see. Those are scars and forever a reminder of a picture I’ll never be able to forget.
Resting my head against the tile. I cry
I cry for the girl that was lost,
the woman that was found,
and the baby that will never be.
I have nothing else to give. I’m all cried out.
Shapiro
She’s still in shower.
Nina is gone.
As I lock the door I decide that I’m not gonna walk on egg shells anymore. If I’m going to support her the way Nina said she needs, I’m going to have to push her a little.
Grabbing some fresh sheets, I head to the bedroom. I have tried to give her some space, look where that got us.
Her clothes are still in a bag, reminding me that this is only temporary. I hate that the thought bothers me as much as it does. I want her to feel at home, so I figure unpacking her stuff and putting it away might help.
Yeah, that’s the only reason.
I don’t know, I’ve never dealt with anything like this before. I almost call Freya but decide against it. I don’t need her or the other girls pestering me with endless questions.
Grabbing some of my shit out of the dresser, I throw it in an empty hamper in the bottom of the closet and fill the space with the few clothes that she brought.
Deciding not to seem like a creeper, I leave her personal items in the bag.
Okay, what now? Sheets.
Grabbing the comforter, I yank to pull it from the bed. When I do, something goes flying and lands on the floor near my feet.
Squatting down I see the familiar worn leather.
How did this get here?
Snatching it quickly off the floor I hold it in my hands a few seconds before flipping it open. So many memories. So much love.
I sit on the edge of the bed, scanning the photos of Mama Ang, being well … Mama Ang and doing what she did best. Living her life and helping others.
Seeing these pictures. Seeing her smiling and baking. Singing into a wooden spoon, I can almost hear voice. “Let’s get high!”
It all clicks into place. Penny must have found the album and looked through it.
I’m angry. Not at Penny, not for looking at something that means so much to me. But at myself for missing the signs. She loved Mama Ang too. And she learned from her.
She must have seen this album and that little outburst out there was her way of doing what Mama Ang would have wanted.
Fighting to live. Even when it hurts.
She needs to know she’s not fighting alone.
Putting the album back where it belongs, I finish what I started and pull together the room before heading to the kitchen to fix us some lunch.
Sheets changed, clothes unpacked, sandwich made … let’s see … what am I forgetting?
I lean against the counter and glance around the room trying to figure out what else Penny could possibly need.
“Hey you.” She comes walking down the hall. Looking refreshed and … beautiful.
“Shit,” I mumble.
“What’s wrong?” Penny looks up through her long dark lashes while towel drying her hair
“Err-um-I …” I fiddle with our plates. Pushing them around on the island, grasping for something to say.
Drinks!
“I forgot to make us drinks.” I twist around and grab the Kool-Aid container, popping the top. “Which flavor?”
“What is it with you and that stuff?” She nods toward my hand while she rubs the towel over the ends of her hair.
“This?” I reach in pulling out a handful of packets. “It’s good for you. Great source of vitamin C.”
“Yeah, until you add all the sugar.” Penny snorts, as she walks over, laying the towel over the back of the bar stool before she takes a seat.
“It’s better than that junk in the diet sodas.” I smirk, tossing the packets on the counter. “Your pick.”
“Let’s see …” She shifts them around, sorting them into piles. “ … grape, strawberry, blue raspberry, orange.” She says the last one with a scrunched-up nose and sour look on her face. “Orange is a hard no.” She moves it to the other side of her plate. “Hmm, pink lemonade sounds good.” She pushes the packet toward me, gauging my reaction to see if she made the right decision.
Picking it up, I pull out another to make a gallon. The way I drink this stuff, it will be gone before bed.
“Good choice.” I wink, gathering the rest, putting them back where they belong.
“Honestly, I thought you would have more flavors.”
“Well … I do,” I confess. Turning around to grab the secret stash.
“Ohh! More choices,” she sings.
“You made your choice. This”—I pull the little lockbox out—“is a box full of hard to find flavors. They’re practically extinct.”
She laughs.
I don’t.
“I’m serious.” I hold the box close to my chest.” Kool-Aid has practically retired most of these … and some that have been brought out of retirement, are extremely rare. Therefore, this is considered my special occasion Kool-Aid.”
“Oh! My God!” Penny slaps the counter repeatedly in a fit of laughter. Finally looking up. “You are totally serious.”
“Penny, why would I joke about this?”
“Umm … I don’t know. Maybe to make me laugh?” She lets out another giggle. “It’s working.”
“Still not funny,” I mumble.
I rol
l the numbers to the combination with my thumb, ready to unlock, then place it on the counter and edge it toward her with the tips of my fingers.
“Go ahead. Open it.”
“A lockbox? Are you serious right now?” She looks over her right shoulder then her left. “Is this some kind of prank?
“No joke. Now open it.”
Popping the lock, she flips open the lid and just stares before she flips through the packets.
“Sharkleberry Finn, Great Bludini, Artic Green Apple, Rock-A-Dile Red, PurpleSaurus Rex, and Incrediberry.” Penny recounts as she carefully places the packets safely where they belong.
“Incrediberry changes colors when you add water and Sharkleberry, add pineapple sherbet and lemon-lime soda and it makes for one hell of a party punch.” I shoot her a grin.
“I honestly don’t know what to say right now?” Penny says while taking the lockbox with both hands and carefully placing it in mine. “Cool?”
“Have you ever just had something that reminded you of a happy time in your life?” I try my best to explain my little addiction.
“Yes,” Penny admits, giving me a weak smile, before she turns away.
“Well …”
While gathering my thoughts, I grab everything I need to make the pink lemonade.
“I didn’t always live in New York.”
“That explains the accent.” She flashes me a smile. “Or the lack of.”
“We lived down the road from Mama Ang.”
“I bet that was fun,” she chimes in. “Do you care if I eat this?” She points to the sandwich I made her. “It’s been taunting me.”
“Yeah. Almost done here.” I throw everything in the pitcher and add water.
“Sorry. Carry on.” She takes a bite and leans in, hanging onto my every word.
“Well, I don’t really remember much. My dad was still around so I would have been around four or so. We didn’t leave right away.” I try to recall the story the best I can while grabbing a couple glasses. “Ice?”
Catching her after just taking a bite, she covers her mouth with her fingers. “Yes, please.”
Filling her glass, I slide it over to her while I forgo the ice, preferring mine room temp. “Let’s see where did I leave off? Oh yeah, after Dad left, Mom really did try to make it work. Especially since she had Mama Ang helping with us kids …” I hold up five fingers. “Five kids. It helped, but finances were tight, and she had her pride. So, when her friend from New York told her about a huge job opportunity at a local restaurant there, she loaded us up and drove all night. Turns out the huge opportunity was at her friend’s diner, as a waitress.”
