by Robert Lopez
We didn't say anything about swearing Johnny.
We most certainly did Johnny.
I don't think we did Johnny because I don't think we've ever spoken before Johnny.
I'm disappointed to hear you say that Johnny.
This is when I hung up in their faces.
I don't know who this caller was or why they called me in the first place or why they kept calling me Johnny. I think it was a wrong number but it almost always is a wrong number when the phone rings.
After a minute or two I decided to concentrate on the voice and leave the words alone. It is always better to listen to the voice instead of the words.
I didn't recognize the voice which is why I think it was a wrong number. Maybe the voice sounded a little like Mother's but only because I think the voice belonged to a woman. The voice sounded like a soprano singing an aria to me. I always like to talk to women because women have nicer voices especially if they are sopranos.
What I never do is pretend some other woman is Mother though.
I don't think it was Mother last night either. I haven't seen Mother for so long now and I don't think she knows I'm here.
Sometimes people call here looking for Charlie. They don't know that Charlie has never been here and that I'm the only one who ever has.
Another thing about here that is cruel and unusual is they won't let me have a television to watch.
I've decided not to ask about a television yet because I'm waiting for them to bring me an air conditioner first. Once they bring me an air conditioner then it's time to talk about a television.
We always had that one television in the living room growing up. The television itself had rabbit ear antennas and was black and white instead of color. I would tell Charlie that we were the only people in the world that still had a black and white television and he would say you know Mother as well as me and of course he was right.
Charlie and I would sometimes fight about what we wanted to watch but because he was older and responsible it was always his decision.
This is when I asked Mother if I could have my own television.
Charlie decided we should watch yet another boxing match and by this time I was sick of the boxing. I told him I would tell Mother what he did to her bracelets unless he changed the channel. When that didn't work I told Charlie he was no good as a boxer and he should take up baseball instead. I told him I wouldn't train him anymore and what was he going to do without a trainer.
Mother was making us sandwiches and coleslaw in the kitchen while we were in the living room so I thought it was a good time to ask.
The living room had the sofa where we would all sit down to watch the television and the television itself. There was a stand for the television and two fake plants on either side of it. Mother couldn't keep real plants alive and she could never count on us to help her either.
Once she gave us hell for allowing one of the real plants to die. She had told us it was our responsibility to water the plant and move it in and out of the sunlight. The trouble is we forgot to do this and Mother came home to find the plant dead and us on the sofa watching television like nothing happened.
She said what did I say to you two.
She said I come home from working all day like a dog and this is what I find.
She said I find the plant dead and you two on the sofa watching television like nothing happened.
She said I told you you were responsible.
She was swinging her ladle around while she said this. This was something Mother liked to do a lot. She loved that ladle and loved to swing it around when she yelled at us.
She kept the ladle hanging in the kitchen so it was never far away.
Whenever Mother yelled at us Charlie and I agreed with her by turning off the television and sitting back down on the sofa.
She punished us that night by having us read two hundred pages of the dictionary each and thank God she forgot to test us by the time we finished.
This is when I told Mother I might try to rewrite the dictionary when I get a chance.
There are a lot of words in there I don't like the definitions for is what I told her.
The kitchen itself was next to the living room but you could only see the television from the kitchen if you were at the table. The rest of the kitchen had a wall that made it impossible to see the television from anywhere inside it.
This is where the sink and counter was and this is where Mother would make us our sandwiches and coleslaw.
So I asked her about buying me my own television because Charlie would never let me watch what I wanted and she told me it was almost time for dinner and we would discuss it tomorrow instead.
I was about to say I don't even care if it's a black and white but this was Mother's way of saying I don't need this kind of aggravation so why bother.
Another truth is people have always confused me with Charlie and vice versa. Some people even said we looked like twins which we certainly weren't. Charlie was older and always responsible. That's how you could tell us apart.
Also Charlie was allowed to get hurt because he wouldn't die from it.
And I was always the better dancer.
I have never liked it when people confuse me with Charlie but I don't blame them for it either. You cannot blame people for what's wrong with them. People can't help it. If Mother taught me anything this is what she taught me. People can't help being people the same way dogs can't help being dogs.
Mother also taught us about singing because she liked it when we would sing during the commercials for her. She taught us all the parts like soprano alto tenor baritone and bass. She would play opera records for us and say this one is a soprano and that one is the great tenor Caruso. She wanted me to learn how to sing an aria like Caruso.
She said that I could make it in show business if I applied myself and I had to otherwise we'd wind up on the streets together.
We only had our dog for one summer because Charlie and Mother didn't like him. Mother brought home the dog one day after work but she didn't say where he came from. She told us not to get attached to the dog because we weren't keeping him. She said the dog was temporary like unemployment.
Why Mother said it this way is because she sometimes was unemployed herself. This wasn't Mother's fault she told us. She said she was a good employee and that her bosses were all cruel and unusual. She said they wanted her to do things that weren't in the job description. We never asked her what those things were and we never asked her to describe her jobs for us either.
She told us she would show up for work on time every day and was early more often than not. She said she would stay late whenever it was necessary even though she never collected overtime. She said she got along well with her co-workers and that everyone liked her. She would tell us this over dinner and we agreed with her by eating all of our dinners and not interrupting.
Charlie would sit to Mother's right and me to her left. Mother said we had to be separated because we would misbehave otherwise. I don't think we ever misbehaved at the dinner table but that didn't matter apparently. I think she was this way because she caught us in Charlie's room with her stoles all stapled together.
At the table Mother would say things like I'm glad that tomorrow is Wednesday so that the next day is Thursday.
Or she'd say I cooked so now the two of you clean.
We would tell her we wanted to watch television instead and she would say I worked all day long and what's your excuse.
We think Mother worked in an office but we never knew for sure.
Charlie and I would do the dishes every night after dinner while Mother took a shower or went into the living room to lie down on the sofa. How we did the dishes was I would wash all the dishes and place them on the dish rack while Charlie stood next to me and did nothing.
Mother wasn't to be disturbed when she was lying on the sofa. On her way to the sofa Mother would say I am not to be disturbed like that.
What she'd d
o is take off her shoes and put her feet up on the arm of the sofa. Her head would be on a pillow and she'd cover her eyes with her left arm. She liked it dark and quiet so the lights and the television were always off whenever she was laying down.
After the dishes Charlie and I had to go into our own rooms and wait for Mother to say it was okay for us to come out again.
This is when we'd discuss the events of the day. All three of us would sit on the sofa with Mother in the middle.
Mother would say something like tell me about your day.
I would say Charlie you go first.
Charlie would say something like it was another day at school Mother.
Mother would say what did you learn today Charlie.
Charlie would say today we did fractions in math and we memorized the states in civics.
This is when Mother would say Jesus to herself and get up to go to the kitchen. She'd come back with a glass of Scotch whiskey in one hand and a cigarette burning between her lips.
Then she'd look at me and say what about you.
I'd say today it was baseball in gym class.
Then she'd say what about the school part.
I'd say today it was manifest destiny and how they pushed the Indians around.
This is when Mother would get up shaking her head. She would mutter something to herself and then say I'm going to bed I have to get up early for work tomorrow.
I didn't tell her that I didn't understand what manifest had to do with destiny because you know Mother.
I applied for a job one summer but Mother didn't let me go for the interview. She said I was too young to work which meant she was afraid I'd get hurt and die.
I don't know how you can get hurt and die working in an ice cream truck but that was Mother for you.
I think I would like the job of carving the letter P into blue pills. I think I could do this all day long and not get bored. I think I could do this the same way Mother worked like a dog for us except I wouldn't get myself fired like she did all the time. I think I would show up early and stay late whenever there were extra pills to carve. I would get along with all my co-workers and I wouldn't care about overtime either.
I would carve each P the same way for years and then when no one was looking I would carve other letters into the pills like A and C which in this case would stand for air conditioning.
I would spell out what happened to the air conditioning in blue pills like that.
Along with no air conditioning here and no television they won't let me have a clock for the wall either. So on top of everything I never know what time it is.
I can only assume it's morning when they bring me my morning pills and it's time for bed when they bring me the nighttime pills.
I don't know the days of the week either so I could never say something like I'm glad tomorrow is Wednesday so that the next day is Thursday.
Should the phone ring right now I might say can you at least give me the fucking time of day here.
Mother didn't let us name the dog. I wanted to ask her why she brought him home in the first place but this was Mother we're talking about.
That one summer we had the dog was glorious. I would hold the rope around Charlie's back with my left hand and the dog's leash with my right. Sometimes I was afraid the dog wouldn't be able to keep up but that dog was as good a jogger as Charlie and me.
I secretly gave a name to the dog but I've forgotten what it was. No one knew about the name because I think I would've caught hell otherwise.
What I do remember is that the dog's name was not Charlie. It would've been fun to call him Charlie but Charlie himself wouldn't have liked it at all.
I slept with the dog every night that summer. What I'd do is leave him in the living room when Mother came in to give me my pills. Sometimes she would bring me powder for the chafed parts but only during the summer when it was hot and I would sweat too much. But always she gave me my pills every night and after I would make the circle or square disappear I'd pretend to fall asleep right away this way Mother wouldn't be suspicious. Sometimes she would stay with me until I fell asleep. She would sit on the bed and wait. I always felt that if I didn't fall asleep right away I'd be in trouble and this is why I always pretended to fall asleep right away even when we didn't have the dog.
How I would do this is keep my eyes shut and be still for a few minutes and then I would twitch once or twice. Mother would usually get up and leave after the first twitch but sometimes it took two twitches for her to go. The summer we had the dog I'd wait until everyone was asleep and then I'd go into the living room to bring the dog into bed with me. Mother wouldn't have liked it had she known I was sleeping with the dog but who brought him home in the first place.
I don't know whatever happened to the dog. When the summer was over he was gone and I knew better than to ask Mother about it.
Should the phone ring I will not pretend to be Charlie. I never pretend to be Charlie. Charlie wouldn't like it and I would never do that to Charlie.
Whoever it was that called last night and confused me with Charlie didn't apologize for intruding either. This caller was either confused or mistaken or was playing a game with me. Sometimes people like to play games with me to see how I am doing. There are all kinds of games to play to see how I am doing. Sometimes after the game they will tell me I am doing fine. This is when I say I am fine I have a headache I didn't sleep last night. I almost never admit to anything else with these people.
MPs and security guards almost never admit to anything which is why I don't like to either.
I don't mind playing games because Charlie and I would play games together when we were kids. As long as I couldn't get hurt Mother liked it when we played games together. Mother would be in the kitchen cooking us dinner and Charlie and I would be in the living room playing some game or another. We would play board games and card games mostly but I forget which ones. The dog was always trying to horn in on the game but Charlie would smack him across the nose and curse him. There was nothing I could do to stop Charlie from doing this. This is one of the reasons Charlie was such a good boxer because Charlie himself was heartless.
Charlie never let me win because I was the younger brother which was supposed to make me tough. He told me no one in the real world was going to let me win because I was Charlie's younger brother so why should he.
No one ever plays a game where they get to call me Charlie though. This is why I think it was a wrong number or the caller was mistaken.
This is why it is better to say nothing so that when someone calls you Charlie you say nothing back to them. Instead of asking who is Charlie or if they are Charlie themselves you say nothing instead. This will make the caller uneasy and will make the caller want to hang up the phone in their own faces.
I could say to them that I am not Charlie and have not heard from Charlie since he quit boxing but why bother.
Should the phone ring I will say nothing and listen to that nothing coming back through the telephone. It is always better to say nothing and listen to that nothing coming back through the telephone than it is to talk to morons on the other end who mistake you for Charlie.
I have many times held the phone to my ear and listened to the nothing coming through. The nothing coming through the telephone is the best nothing there is. It is almost the epitome of nothing almost the point of absolute nothing. The nothing coming through the telephone is better than the nothing one often finds oneself doing at any particular time and this is always the case.
Someone asks you what are you doing and you say nothing.
I am almost always doing nothing it seems. It hasn't always been like this but it has been like this for as long as I can remember.
Charlie is always doing nothing whenever I talk to him on the telephone. I will call him up and ask what are you doing Charlie and he will say nothing like that. This is not another reason I feel sorry for Charlie because Charlie has always liked doing nothing.
But d
oing nothing is nothing at all like the nothing coming through the telephone. The nothing through the telephone is ripe it is pregnant it is nuanced. I can listen to this nothing all day long. Anyone can do this but only MPs and security guards can do this for hours on end without getting bored. This is why I think I may've once been an MP or security guard. Boxing trainers could never do this. They are always jumping up and down outside the ropes in their corners and yelling and screaming at both Charlie and the referee.
Charlie could listen to the nothing for hours too. Two whole summers we sat in the living room and listened to the nothing. We'd get up while it was still dark out and go into the living room without eating breakfast or brushing our teeth. We'd sit on opposite ends of the sofa and listen to the nothing until we were finished. I knew we were finished when Charlie got up to go to the bathroom. Then we could have our breakfast and do what we'd want as long as I couldn't get hurt from it.
