She was weary and shocked by the day’s events; bruised by Stephen’s betrayal, wishing he were here with her now, the man he used to be. If only Nathan had waited until she was more in control. She’d blown it and lost something important. She searched desperately for the right words to find it again. They were both too damaged from their past experiences and took offence too easily where none was intended.
‘I didn’t mean it like that,’ she said at last. ‘It’s been a difficult day and…’
‘I know,’ he said, ‘and I was a fool to go on like that. Forget it, you’re right. Ravenscourt is business and you know what they say about business and pleasure. I wouldn’t want you to think I was trying to get it from you in any underhand way.’ They drove miserably on until they reached her house. It was past ten o’clock and she felt she must offer him a meal, even a bed for the night, though he’d probably go to stay with Gloria, who, with her warm spirit, would surely comfort him.
‘Please come in and have something to eat,’ she said.
‘No, thanks, I’d better get on.’
‘I can’t thank you enough for taking me to Flora,’ she said. ‘I feel… I… I’m sorry if I have upset you. I didn’t mean to.’ If only she had the strength to say she cared for him too, that she was inexperienced in the dating game after being so long married. With her loss of self-confidence and the anxieties of the day, she’d blundered in the wrong direction. Could he not understand that, and forgive her? It annoyed her now that he expected so much of her at this difficult time. She stayed silent, afraid of making things worse, too exhausted to struggle to make him understand.
He got out of the car and came round and opened the car door for her, standing back as if he were a just a chauffeur, a stranger to her.
‘Good night, I hope all goes well for Flora and the baby.’ He waited while she unlocked her front door. She longed to turn round and throw herself into his arms, but his coldness was like a barbed wire fence around him.
‘Good night and thank you so much again,’ she said, going into the empty house that should be singing with her husband and family cautiously celebrating the birth of this child, instead of being cold with desolation. She did not turn back to watch him leave.
33
Granny and Grandpa
She sat on the sofa in the living room with only a lamp on, the soft light and the darkness more fitting to her mood than full light, trying to process the magnitude of the day. She should try Marcus again. She fumbled for the phone and rang his mobile but there was still no answer. She debated leaving a text but thought that too cold. She yearned to talk to him, tell him the concerns for his … niece – so strange to think of him as an uncle. She’d try him again in the morning.
Gloria sent her a text saying that she’d told Stephen. He had her number, so why hadn’t he contacted her to hear how Flora and the baby were? Was he so devoid of feeling he was unable to care? She’d texted Gloria with the news of the birth but she hadn’t the energy now to speak to her. Also, she admitted to herself, she couldn’t bear it if Gloria told her that Nathan was there, staying the night.
She was not going to contact Stephen, unable to cope with the thought of that girl, tucked up in bed beside him. The pain twisted in her. Even at this crucial time in their lives he had not contacted her. It was Nathan who’d been there, kind and supportive, even though it was so hard for him. He was grieving for his own lost child and in the turmoil of her mind, she had rejected him. It would be tough justice if he were in Gloria’s arms.
She went upstairs to bed and lay there in the dark thinking about how her life had changed, praying for that tiny girl who had arrived too soon.
It was a painful, lonely night but eventually sheer exhaustion took her off into a troubled sleep. She woke early, the now-familiar sick feeling of dread squirming through her as the events of the day before thudded back to torment her. Flora had had her baby and she’d lost Nathan – not that she’d really ever had him – but she’d blown any chance she might have had with him by her crass response to his declaration of his feelings for her.
She hunched her pillows together and sat up against them, the empty side of the double bed, where Stephen ought to be, mocking her. She concentrated on the familiar objects in the room; portraits of the children done in Montmartre, some delicate porcelain figures left by her mother, a worn Steiff teddy bear much loved by three generations, but they brought her no comfort. Panic fluttered in her with fear and concern for the baby and Flora. She assumed, and hoped, that someone would have rung her if the baby’s condition had deteriorated.
Nathan had all but said he loved her. It had cost him so much to admit it, and she’d not respected that. Unhappiness was a selfish emotion. Bound up in her own anguish she’d not noticed it in him, imagining him to be in control of his feelings and his life. True, she’d not known of his baby daughter’s death, but now, as she recalled the times she’d been with him, his suffering had been there in his eyes and sometimes in his expression, and she had not taken it into account, forming her own opinion of him, without seeing the truth.
But overshadowing all of this was the premature birth of Flora’s baby, her grandchild.
She crawled out of bed, feeling every inch an aged grandmother. It was almost six o’clock; she must get dressed and get ready to go back to Flora. First, she needed to talk to Marcus, but it was too early to wake him.
She checked her mobile to see if Stephen had left a message but there was nothing, only one from Rosalind promising prayers. Surely Stephen was concerned for Flora? She realised with a jolt that, she, his ex-wife, was the only person he could voice this to, and expect a consoling response. Odile didn’t know Flora and would probably become jealous if his attention became diverted from her to his daughter. It seemed that Stephen had cut the lifeline that bound him to his family; the rhythms of births, marriages and deaths of their friends and family would always be in the background to haunt him.
She bathed and dressed, and made some coffee, flicking on the radio to fill the silence. She longed to ring the hospital, yet dreaded to find out whether the baby had made it through the night, fearful of facing up to it on her own, if she had not. The doctors had been reasonably optimistic about her chances, but there were many dangers ahead that could still snatch her away.
The telephone rang, making her jump and filling her with fear. She picked it up, and whispered ‘Hello’, her heart beating fit to burst. It was Gloria. ‘How are things?’ Her voice was strong, yet braced for bad news.
She burst into tears and Gloria, thinking that the baby might be dead, and maybe Flora too, told her to hold on, saying she’d be straight round. Before Lorna could control herself enough to tell her that as far as she knew everything was fine, Gloria had rung off and when she tried to ring her back, her telephone was switched on to answer phone. She left a message saying she hadn’t heard anything and was leaving soon for Oxford, but ten minutes later Gloria was at the door.
‘Oh Glory, I didn’t mean you to rush round, but it’s so good to see you. It’s all been too much,’ she blew her nose. ‘The baby and Flora were all right when I left them. When do you think I can ring the hospital?’
‘They would have rung you if anything terrible had happened.’ Gloria said. She’d run round so fast she hadn’t had time to put on her make-up. This she now did quickly in front of the hall mirror. ‘What a fright for you, sweet of Nathan to take you though.’ When she mentioned his name, Lorna saw her eyes glance imperceptibly upstairs, as if she expected him to appear half clothed in a towel, a lover after love.
Lorna guessed her thoughts. ‘He’s not here. It was so kind of him. He was wonderful, especially as he had been through a sad ordeal with his own little daughter. She was also born prematurely, but she didn’t make it.’
Gloria regarded her with horror, ‘I didn’t know. I’d heard he’d had a difficult time in his marriage and it ended badly at Christmas time, so it’s not his favourite time of the year. Wha
t happened?’
Lorna related the story, her heart aching with remorse at how badly she had treated him.
‘Poor man, how dreadfully sad, no wonder he finds Christmas so hard. Where is he now?’ Her eyes flickered over Lorna’s face, searching out any hidden emotions. She couldn’t keep anything from Gloria; she didn’t feel up to it anyway, so shamefully, she confessed how she had blown it when he’d tried to tell her how much he cared for her, though she said nothing about that moment of abandonment in Ravenscourt. That would remain a secret, something she would pack safely away in the recesses of her mind, perhaps taking it out to mull over in the future when her body was long past lovemaking.
‘Ravenscourt. If only I hadn’t mentioned it, but it’s such a major thing in my life. I never expected it and what with everyone telling me what to do with it, my sister and … you, Glory, and Clara being worried it will go to some horrible person who’ll somehow turf her out of her cottage – I’ve hardly grasped it’s mine anyway,’ she finished, desperately.
‘Well, it is a major thing,’ Gloria said. ‘It’s not every day you get left a huge and wonderful house let alone one that’s on its last legs and needs urgent rescuing.’
‘I must forget it now and ring Marcus, I couldn’t get hold of him last night.’ She dialled his number but still there was no answer. ‘Tell me more about your call to Stephen, how did he take it?’
‘It took me a little time to explain that it was a serious situation – for the baby anyway. He seemed more concerned about Flora, but it was a shock, as it was for all of us. I’m surprised he hasn’t rung you, he’s got your number hasn’t he?’
‘Yes,’ Lorna said. ‘It just shows how distanced he’s become from the family.’
‘Nathan told you he cares for you,’ Gloria said, a little enviously. ‘I’ve seen how he looks at you sometimes, and he often asked me casual questions about your marital state and all.’ She paused. ‘I have to admit, I fancy him like mad. I’ve only really got to know him this past year through the fairs. He’s an amazing person, so attractive, but I’m not free yet from Adrian and any love affair I embark on would be for all the wrong reasons.’
‘Perhaps we are chasing a fantasy and we can’t cope with the commitment of the real thing,’ Lorna said sadly. She’d been offered the real thing, and she’d mistaken it for a ruse by Nathan to get his hands on Ravenscourt.
Oh, Ravenscourt, what a poisonous chalice it had turned out to be, or perhaps, she had made it so. Dear Fergus, he should not have left the house to her. She did not deserve it.
Gloria, having not had time for breakfast before her dash here, made them both some toast and coffee. ‘Everything always comes at once, but now concentrate on Flora and the baby. I can’t get over the fact that you are a granny while you still could have another baby of your own!’ she laughed. ‘Crazy isn’t it? But what fun we will all have with this little girl.’
The telephone rang again and both women stared at it in terror. Gloria picked it up and handed it to Lorna, putting her arm round her for support. It was Flora, ringing on Ben’s mobile. Lorna’s heart dropped when she heard her voice, dreading bad news, but Flora was upbeat. ‘I’ve been to see her. She’s so tiny, but they are pleased with her progress. Ben rang Dad, he said he ought to, as you already knew, and he rang his mother.’
‘Oh, that’s good of him. Gloria rang him to tell him you were in labour but it’s good he knows she’s here. I’m sure he’ll ring you and come and see you,’ she said, feeling guilty now that she hadn’t spoken to him, though surely he could have rung her to ask how things had gone? ‘How do you feel, darling? I’m so glad she’s doing well.’
‘Very sore, but OK. Will you come?’ She sounded so young. Lorna remembered giving birth to Flora, the fear, the pain and the sudden joy when she was born, but then Stephen had been there, supporting her, sharing the whole, precious event with her. Resolutely she pushed the memories from her mind.
‘I’m on my way. I’ll stay down there until you come out, or need help at home. Where is home, by the way?’ She thought of the flat Flora shared with three others, she’d been talking about finding something more suitable but the early birth had caught her out. ‘We’ll decide when I get there. I’ll throw some stuff in a bag. Anything you want me to bring?’
There followed a list, most of which Lorna managed to dissuade her from having, since there was so little room in the ward she’d now been moved to. Just as she was about to ring off, Flora said, ‘Can you ring Marcus? We’re not allowed mobiles in the ward. I’m outside in the passage but I want to go back to bed. I’ve tried him but his mobile’s off, forgot to charge it I suppose, or left it somewhere. And could you ring Dad too, see if he’s coming to see us?’
‘OK darling, see you soon, all my love.’ She rang off. ‘She wants me to ring Stephen but I can’t ring him now, he’ll be in bed with that girl,’ she said to Gloria. ‘He knows the baby’s arrived, Ben rang him after her birth, he felt he should, and anyway Stephen could have rung me’.
‘He’s a grandfather now, that might cool her ardour,’ Gloria said tartly. ‘Foolish old men. I can see the same scenario happening with Justin and me; Adrian too incompetent with alcohol to be a reliable grandfather. God, if we’d known …’ Her face creased with despair.
‘Would we really have changed anything? We loved them and they loved us. For many years we were happy, then fate and circumstances turned them into impossible strangers. So many people never experience the happy times we once had.’ Lorna was near tears yet again.
‘But so many do, and stay happily together for a lifetime.’ Gloria retorted. ‘But I suppose you’d better ring Stephen. Get it over with, then he can’t go for you saying you were too cruel not to tell him about your granddaughter. Then we can set off for Oxford. I’ll come with you, I’d love to see Flora. Besides, you need some support, don’t you?’
‘But have you time?’ How she’d welcome her company, but with all Gloria had to do, Lorna felt it was too much to make her feel she had to come.
‘I have today. I’ve a meeting to arrange a charity lunch tomorrow afternoon and I’m going to see that shop we’re using for the sales the day after but I’ll take the Oxford Tube back. Now ring Stephen, then pack a bag and we’ll go,’ she said briskly, handing Lorna the telephone.
Feeling sicker by the minute, Lorna dialled his number. It rang five times and she almost put it down with relief, when it was picked up. A woman said, ‘’ello’.
‘I want to speak to Stephen, it is his ex-wife and it is urgent,’ she said sharply.
There was a quick intake of breath, and a mumbled something to Stephen. Then his voice, clipped and curt. ‘Hello.’
‘You heard from Ben yesterday that Flora’s baby girl was born prematurely, making you a grandfather. She wants you to go and see her, or text her, perhaps, as mobiles are not allowed on the ward.’ She sounded as if she was reading from an autocue.
‘Is she all right, the baby … and Flora?’ She could hear the panic in his voice.
Would he go down to see his daughter, taking that girl with him? This family crisis showed up his irresponsibility and defection in all its brutal light.
‘She’s in the John Radcliffe hospital. I’m going there in a minute with Gloria and will find out more then. If you want to see her I suggest you go there … alone.’
His voice was almost pleading now, ‘When can I ring her?’
The tone of his voice melted her heart. He loved his daughter, despite his peculiar behaviour; somewhere inside him he still loved his children.
‘I’ll ring you, or she will when I get there. It’s so sad that you’ve made it impossible for us to enjoy being grandparents together.’ She put down the phone and dashed away her tears. Flora and that tiny girl were her priorities now.
Lorna packed a bag while Gloria found her a bed and breakfast on the Internet, then she said, ‘Oh, Marcus, I suppose he’s still asleep, but I must try and get hold of him again.’ She
rang his mobile.
‘The baby’s come early,’ she said, when at last he answered. ‘I tried to ring you yesterday and earlier today, so did Flora, but your mobile was turned off, and I wanted to tell you not text you.’ She explained to him what had happened.
‘Couldn’t find my charger, but Jeez, so I’m an uncle, then,’ he exclaimed, calling over to someone with him, ‘Guess what? I’m an uncle.’
A new member of the family, Lorna thought, as she wondered what family Ben had apart from a mother who longed for a grandchild. Poor little girl, she’d landed herself in a complicated one. But that doesn’t matter as long as she stays with us, she thought frantically. Please God, she whispered fervently under her breath, let her stay with us, be part of all the joys and all the imperfections of her family.
34
Independence
Gloria sat at the table in Lorna’s kitchen eating toast dripping with honey – comfort food in a crisis - and drinking black coffee, while Lorna dashed around getting ready to go to Flora. She’d offered to help and occasionally threw out comments, reminding her to pack a tooth brush and a book in case she had time on her hands and her mobile charger, but Lorna said she’d rather concentrate on her packing herself, she was only going to Oxford after all, not being cut off in some wilderness miles from anywhere.
The arrival of a new baby should be a happy occurrence, a celebration, but this birth was fraught with problems, the worst of which was that she was premature.
Difficult Husbands Page 27
