Long Time Running

by Foster, Hannah

  "I'm glad you found someone" Sarah told her softly.

  Nathalie nodded but refused to meet her sister's eyes. "What about you?" Nathalie asked wearily.

  Sarah swallowed the lump in her throat at the obvious opening to tell her sister about Jack.

  "Still too busy saving the world from the bad guys to take time for yourself?" Nathalie offered at the lack of her sister's response.

  "Something like that." Sarah responded.

  "What, what about Eric?" she asked in a whispered tone as if she knew she didn't have the right to ask and was desperately afraid of the answer. "Did he find someone?"

  Sarah's voice was soft as she replied, gently shaking her head, "No one of importance that I am aware of."

  Nathalie closed her eyes.

  "Nathalie I-" As she looked back at her sister and realized she had fallen asleep, she sighed in resignation. She tucked the blankets around her and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. Rising gently from the bed she exited the room and quietly pulled the door shut behind her.

  Keith jumped up from the chair. "Is she okay?"

  Sarah nodded. "She's asleep."

  "I'm going to sit with her," he told her in a tone that indicated it was demand and not a request. He slipped inside the room without so much as a backwards glance.

  Sighing, Sarah leaned against the wall and tiredly rubbed her hand over her face.

  "You okay?"

  Opening her eyes, she was surprised to find Andrew standing beside her; she had not even noticed him when she came out of the room. "Where's Eric?" she asked.

  Andrew's dark brown eyes clouded momentarily. "He needed air."

  Chewing on one of her perfectly manicured nails and nodding, Sarah stared at the floor. Tears unexpectedly welled in her eyes and she swiped angrily at them. Andrew nudged her shoulder. "Sarah?"

  "She didn't ask about Jack," she whispered. "Not a single question."

  Andrew's face softened. "Sarah, she thinks he's been adopted. She believes that you placed him for adoption as she asked you to. She probably didn't ask about him because it's too painful for her."

  As she lifted her head to meet his eyes, her face betrayed the vulnerability she look felt. "I'm going to lose him" she said tearfully, "which is stupid because he was never mine to begin with but I'm going to have to tell her about him and then I'm going to lose him."

  Shocking her, he tugged her towards him and hugged her. With a muffled sob, Sarah melted into his embrace. Befitting their complicated relationship. they spent most of their time sniping at each other but every once in a while, all that just disappeared.

  Andrew gently smoothed her back as she tried to catch her breath, "One step at a time Sarah," he told her gently. "You're going to be okay." He just wished he could say the same thing about his best friend.

  #

  Lying on her side, her face smushed into the pillow, her breath was a soft ruffle. Leaning against the wall Eric stared at her in disbelief. With the exception of her short shorn hair she looked very much like the woman who had shared his bed one night and left him the next; clearing out while he was at work, leaving an inadequate note to poorly explain why she had broken his heart.

  After being kicked out of her room by her sister, he had stormed down the hallway, ignoring Andrew calling after him. He had returned to the exam room where she had collapsed and had sunk into the chair. His heart had hammered loudly inside his chest and his brain had felt like it was going to explode. There wasn't anything that could have prepared him for seeing her again. As he had sat there trying to gather himself a glint from the floor had caught his eye. Bending down, he had picked up a locket that had partially slipped under the table. Instinctively he had flipped it open and all the air had rushed from his chest. On one side of the locket was a baby photo and without being told, he knew it was Jack. The other side held a four leaf clover. He had been instantly transported back to that night in Dublin where he had given it to her.

  The locket left him feeling terribly confused. As a coping mechanism he had, over the years, convinced himself Nathalie had never really loved him, that the moments he had held so dear were meaningless to her and the depth of their connection was an illusion. Once Sarah had introduced Jack into his life and despite him knowing something terrible had to have happened for her to give him up, he had painted her a villain, as shallow, unfeeling and manipulative. But the picture and the four leaf clover told him that she had loved him. It also reminded him that he had absolutely no clue what had driven her to make the choices she had.

  Watching her snuggle further into the blankets he remembered all the nights they had spent wrapped around each other. His heart raced as he remembered how well he knew every inch of her body and she his. There had been other women since she had left but none of them were capable of making him feel, in bed or out, the way she did. He wondered savagely how many nights she had spent wrapped around her new boyfriend's body and if he could make her shriek and moan the way he had.

  Peeling himself off the wall, he moved towards the door but stopped cold as she called his name. Slowly, he turned around and looked at her. Their eyes connected and Eric felt it like a punch to the stomach. Anger at her, and at himself for caring, churned just below the surface waiting to find an opening to be expressed.

  "Don't go" she asked quietly.

  "Sarah says your boyfriend went back to the hotel" he told her flatly.

  Pulling herself to a sitting position, she swallowed thickly. "I know."

  Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out her locket and placed it on the night stand. "This fell off during your seizure, I thought you might want it back." He decided not to tell her he had looked at it; he was not yet ready for that conversation.

  Her panic was obvious to him as she snatched the locket from the table and unsteadily put it back around her neck.

  "Thank you."

  He nodded and took a small measure of satisfaction at the obvious distress she was experiencing. Eric did not to think he was a cruel person but he was relieved to know that their reunion was causing her more emotional pain than her calculated departure apparently had.

  Nathalie winced and rubbed the furrow over her brow. Eric pushed back the rush of emotions and memories to focus on her present condition.

  "Given the placement and size of your tumor, you have been in serious pain for quite some time - a few years I would guess - I don't understand why you didn't seek treatment before now."

  She shrugged. "I just....I thought they were just headaches."

  He shook his head ruefully. "You were at the top of your class Nathalie, you had to have known they weren't just headaches. I never knew you to lie to yourself but then again, I guess I never knew you at all." He headed for the door again.

  "Stay," she called urgently. "We can....we can talk."

  An incredulous look crossed his face as he snorted derisively. "We can? Maybe I can just write my feelings for you in a three line note and leave it on the nightstand. It seemed to work well for you." Turning on his heel, he stalked out of the room.

  Nathalie flopped back against the pillows and pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes. He was so angry with her and rightfully so. How had a decision that had started out with his best interests in mind turned out so horribly wrong? She had hurt him enough to last a lifetime and any thoughts she had of telling him about Jack were pushed from her mind. She could not - she would not - hurt him any further.

  Chapter 5

  Eric stared blankly at the chart in front of him. He had read her chart so many times he could practically recite it by heart but none of it brought him any closer to understanding why the love of his life had taken off without telling him she was pregnant nor did it help him understand why she had given the child up four months later. It was clear from the information that she had suffered some serious injuries; as he examined her films the depth of pain she must have suffered was obvious. While a part of him wanted, needed, to understand what had occurred a
fter she left him, the doctor in him recognized that none of her injuries had been debilitating. As he tried to imagine what had happened to her, how she could have willingly desired to give up their child, a seven year old conversation replayed in his mind.

  "What do you mean this is my s-son?" he stammered.

  The child in her arms let out a sweet sigh, oblivious to the drama currently surrounding him.

  "Just what I said the last four times Eric. Nathalie was pregnant when she left you. She gave birth to Jack four months ago and called me last week asking me to place him for adoption. I know - I know she's going to change her mind and when she does she will be devastated at her choice. I'm holding on to him so at least when she comes to her senses she can reconnect with him. I'm telling you about him because I think that at least one of his parents needs to be involved in his life."

  Unable to help himself, the tall doctor reached out and stroked Jack's tiny hand, delighting in its softness. "I can't believe....she never said a word. I don't understand why she would lie to me." His normally steely blue eyes betrayed the conflicting emotions of betrayal swirling in his brain.

  "You were pretty clear about never wanting children," Sarah pointed out.

  Tiredly he rubbed his hand over his face. "Yes I was but I wasn't....she never gave me..." He exhaled. "I would have liked the chance to at least know about my child."

  "Fair enough," she said coolly, "but there's nothing I can do about that. What I want to know is will you help me with him?"

  He shook his head. "Why won't you tell me what happened to her? What caused her to want to give him up? For God's sake Sarah, you won't even tell me where she is!"

  "I can't" she replied simply, bringing Jack to her shoulder and rubbing his tiny back.

  Stymied by stonewalling, he brought his hand down on the table, startling both of them and eliciting a small squawk of protest from Jack. "Dammit Sarah! I'm still in love with her - you have to tell me what happened."

  "No deal" She meet his angry gaze with her own. "I am already risking my relationship with my sister by doing this but I really believe this is for the best. So are you going to help take care of your son or not?"

  Realizing there would be no more information, and that in the end Sarah would fiercely protect her sister no matter the cost, he blew out his cheeks in defeat. "Of course I will," he replied softly.

  He had no idea how he was going to balance it - he had just started a fellowship in Neurosurgery at Manhattan General and had been tapped as one of the high fliers in the program. It had never been the path he wanted but his desire to work in developing countries left when Nathalie did.

  He had thrown himself into his work and was intent on being the very best there was. But this was his son - this was the child he had made with the woman who had stolen his heart from the moment he met her.

  "You can't tell anyone that Jack is your son with Nathalie."

  "What?" His blue eyes widened in shock. "What do you mean?"

  "Eric, she is going to change her mind. She will come back for him and I need to make sure she can do that with as little public humiliation as possible." Sarah stated emphatically.

  "What do I tell people?"

  She shrugged. "Tell them you're helping out a friend; that you're his uncle, cousin...I don't care. You are just never to tell people you are his father."

  "Sarah this is ridiculous." he interrupted.

  "Look Eric, this is only going to be for a couple of weeks - two months tops. I want you to know your son while Nat is away but she will come back and you have to be prepared that she will leave with him. And you have to let her." She placed Jack in his arms.

  Looking down at Jack he touched his hand and felt the baby curl his hand around his finger and hold tightly. In that instant his heart expanded and he knew he would protect, love and take care of his son at all costs.

  Shaking his head free of the memory, he sighed regretfully. He had lived in hope for a long time that Nathalie would come back but as days gave way to weeks and weeks gave way to months he had figured out she wasn't coming back. It had made him furious - seething that she would give up their son without so much as a backwards glance. And in the mean time he had developed a deep, unbreakable bond with his son.

  "Did you get any sleep at all?"

  Hearing Andrew's voice, he looked up from the chart and gave a small shake of his head. "Not so much."

  Kicking the door closed behind him, he flopped into the chair opposite his friend and pushed a steaming cup of coffee towards him. "Didn't think so."

  Gratefully accepting the coffee, he pushed back the small plastic tab on the lid and took a quick sip, wincing at the heat. He closed over the file and pushed it away. He leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes.

  "You know you can't be her surgeon," Andrew stated.

  Eric's eyes flew open. "Drew-" he began.

  His friend shook his head. "Eric, dude - it is the classic definition of conflict. You cannot - cannot - be her surgeon."

  "I know" he sighed heavily. "Will....could you...."

  He grinned wryly. "Yeah, I can take the case if you take my cranky old lady."

  A ghost of a smile crossed his lips. "Sure." Taking another sip of his coffee, he looked pensively at the closed chart. "What do you think happened to her?" he asked quietly as he examined her films illuminated across from him; the breaks in her bones echoing the scars on his heart.

  "Do you care?" Andrew asked carefully.

  "More than I want to" he admitted.

  #

  Sleep had been impossible after Eric's abrupt departure from the room. Her mind was flooded with memories including many that she would have preferred to keep buried. There were a few truths she had realized after he left. She had hurt him profoundly and forgiveness was unlikely if not impossible. Telling him about Jack would only compound the hurt. And she realized that there were some loves that would never die no matter the distance or space between. She also admitted, in the dark confines of her room, what she knew to be the truth years before. She should have never left him. She should have told him the truth that long ago day. But the past was gone and she wore the scars of all her ill founded decisions.

  At home, in Tanzania, when she was bothered or unable to sleep she would walk. There were so many wide open spaces in the village that she could walk for hours until the burden started to lift. The hospital here contained no such open spaces so she had been left to wander the halls. She had even tried to get to the roof but the door was locked and she had not quite been ready to bust the door down. Having exhausted all pathways available to her, Nathalie tightened the belt of her robe around her waist as she slowly walked back to her room.

  She paused in the doorway as she saw Keith pacing by the window. Deep worry lines were etched into his face and she was reminded yet again that she needed to let him go.

  "Hey," she called softly to him.

  Smiling in relief, he crossed the room and gently kissed her. "Went for a walk?" he asked knowingly.

  She nodded. "Have you been here long?"

  "Not too long," he lied. "How are you feeling?"

  "Not bad" she lied as she climbed into bed.

  Easing himself on to the edge of the bed he slipped his fingers through hers. "So, you have a sister. Any other family hidden away - husbands? Children?"

  Her heart dropped and she swallowed thickly hoping she wasn't betraying herself. "A girl has to keep an air of mystery," she offered weakly.

  Keith looked at her seriously and sighed silently. "I'd be okay with a little less mystery" he told her directly, hopefully.

  Her hand trembled slightly as she reached out and stroked his face. "I'm not a very good girlfriend to you Keith."

  Turning his head, he kissed her palm. "You are a good girlfriend. I just wish....I just wish you wanted to share more with me."

  Leaning forward, she pressed her lips to his. "It's not you," she whispered. "I just..can't" she trailed off.

 
"I know" he told her.

  They sat in silence for several minutes, neither rushing to say the words they both needed to say. She stared at their joined hands and remembered all the hours she had spent holding someone else's hands and the electricity that simple act would send through her body.

  "Do you want a coffee?" he asked, finally breaking the silence.

  She smiled and nodded. "That would be great."

  Keith gave her another quick kiss and disappeared out her door. Leaning back against the pillows she draped her arm across her eyes and took a deep breath before slowly letting it go. The instinct to run was almost overwhelming and if it wasn't for the debilitating headaches she would be packing her bags and on the next plane back home.

  "I'd like to talk to you about course of treatment."

  She recognized the voice immediately and groaned inwardly. The only thing more difficult than dealing with Eric was dealing with his best friend. Pulling her arm from her eyes, she gave him a wary look.

  "Why?"

  "Because I'm your doctor now," he told her almost unkindly. "There is no way Eric can be your doctor so I guess you get me"

  She smirked mirthlessly. "Eric may be a conflict of interest but so are you."

  Arching an eyebrow, he tilted his head to the side. "Oh?"

  "The first rule of being a doctor is 'do no harm'," she told him wryly, "and as I'm pretty sure you'd like to see me dead, I'm not sure you are placed to be my doctor."

  His face softened briefly. They had been friends - the three of them - good friends.

  "Nathalie I would never....I hate what you did to him...and to Sarah," he tacked on as she visibly paled. "You practically broke them when you left and I don't understand why you did it but you are in no danger on my table. I don't want you dead" he said seriously. "I want you healthy and then maybe you can start to deal with the shit-storm you created. Because, make no mistake, you have years of damage to atone for. Besides, you know I am too arrogant to ever lose a patient on my table."

  She tried to laugh but as another pain seared through her head she was unable to formulate a response. She clenched her eyes shut and urgently rubbed her forehead.