"On a scale of 1-10, what's the pain?" he asked, moving closer to her bed.
"Six" she gritted out.
"How about you try that again and tell me the truth?"
"Nine" she whispered, "maybe 10."
Scribbling down orders on her chart, he nodded. "Okay. We're going to try and shrink the tumor with some localized radiation before I remove it," he told her. "I'm going to increase your pain meds in the meantime. We'll plan for your surgery in about a week's time."
"How...how is he?" she asked.
Andrew shook his head. "I'll discuss a lot of things with you Nat but not him. He is off limits, do you understand?"
"Yeah" she sighed. If only her heart would get the same message
#
"You had me paged?" Eric queried as he entered Nathalie's room.. "Five times". He added brusquely.
"If you had answered the four previous times, I wouldn't have had to page you the fifth." She said, indignation in her eyes.
"If I recall, patience never was your strong suit." His retort dripped in sarcasm as he moved to stand at the foot of her bed.
"If I recall, you were never a coward." Her eyes flashed in a challenge. "So what happened?"
Eric's jaw tightened reflexively. "I don't think you are any position to judge me a coward."
Nathalie had the grace to lower her eyes as she swallowed the lump in her throat. "Touché." She smiled wryly as her eyes once again met his, this time with a sheen of tears.
Eric visibly fought the urge to go to her, to offer comfort. She was reminded that their fights, while never unkind, had always been passionate with neither of them giving any quarter until the bitter end. It was almost a tradition that all of their fights ended up with them in bed; both so turned on in mind and body that their coming together was explosive.
"What did you need, Nat?"
You was the first response that popped in her mind but she knew that would not be welcome. "Why...why didn't you tell me you had given my case to Andrew?" she asked quietly.
"We decided he would tell you at the same time he discussed your treatment options."
"I don't have options, Eric," she said heatedly. "My only option is surgery and I would feel more comfortable with you operating. "
"Why? Andrew is a very capable doctor. You know that."
"Andrew also hates me, Eric."
"And for some reason you don't think I feel the same way?" His tone was cold.
Waves of emotion passed over her face as she absorbed the devastation she left in her wake. Shaking her head slowly as she anxiously pulled at her fingers she locked her gaze with Eric.
"I guess I had hoped that as angry with me as you may have been, and as much as I hurt you, you would remember the good times between us. Andrew looks at me and only sees how much I hurt you."
Eric blinked repeatedly at the tears forming in his eyes. "I do remember the good times, Nat." he said thickly. "Unfortunately, I can't forget them. And I can't forget how you walked out on me without a word, without an explanation. How you never told me..." Eric bit off the last of his sentence before he said too much.
Stunned, Nathalie nodded in understanding. "I know it may not make sense but I thought I was doing the right thing when I left."
"Would you care to explain that? Are you finally ready to tell me why you thought it was okay to blow my world to hell without discussion?" Eric asked, hope tinging his voice.
"I can't." she whispered, in obvious distress. "It's complicated."
"Yeah, I'm sure it is" he acknowledged. "Which is why Drew needs to do this surgery. If you don't want him to do it, you can find another surgeon. But it won't be me, Nat." Their eyes connected as both let years of things left unsaid pass between them. "It can't be," he said with finality.
"Ok. Drew it is."
"Alright. Well, I guess that's it," he said as he walked to the door.
"Yeah, that's it." Nathalie echoed in slightly more than a whisper.
Chapter 6
Eric exhaled softly as his eyes continued to adjust to the darkness enveloping him; Nathalie's steady breath the only other sound in room echoing loudly in the silence. It all reminded him of the nights he would lie awake and watch her sleep, struck both by her beauty and his luck at having her love him. After all the years of feeling unworthy, even unloved, by his parents, he had been determined to show her every day how much he treasured her. Apparently he had failed.
And now he had been reduced to this. In the three days since their confrontation, he had been sneaking in her room in the middle of the night to watch her sleep. And to remember. Like floodgates opening, every night he relived the joy of falling in love with her and the unbearable pain of losing her. He recalled with startling clarity their first meeting as she spilled coffee all over his lab coat. How their ensuing banter had turned to flirting, how their battle of wills had turned into a passionate desire to possess her. Eric had loved her fiercely and thought those feelings were returned - until the day his world turned upside down. Arriving home from a 72 hour shift to find her all traces of her gone and a note by their bed:
"E - I am sorry but this is for the best. I love you. Be well. Nat. "
That she boiled down four years, the best of Eric's life, to a three line goodbye note was an anguish that never left him. Despite his pleas to Sarah, even after learning about Jack, he was remained at a loss as to why she left or where she had gone.
The images on her x-rays confirmed to Eric that there was more of the story to be told but he was no longer sure he cared. She had left him and given up their child. Was there really an explanation available? He was afraid to hope there would be and scared to imagine what it was.
Unfolding his lanky frame from the guest chair he assessed her with a critical eye. Always slim, she had lost a good twenty pounds putting her on the verge on malnourished. Her skin, always luminescent, now showed the glow from the African sun but there was also lines from age, and reflecting on her x-rays, from stress. And yet, he still found her breathtaking.
The door creaked open, a sliver of light entering the room. Eric turned to see Nathalie's boyfriend standing in the entryway. The fact that she had moved on from him to have a relationship when he was barely able to able to manage two dates in a row rankled him.
"Dr. Smitherman, I don't think we were introduced the other day. I am Keith Wilson," he offered his hand. "Nathalie's boyfriend."
"Nice to meet you." Eric replied dryly, the lie tasting like cardboard in his mouth as he shook Eric's hand.
"I didn't think you'd have rounds this late," Keith indicated with a smile.
"Just checking in on her. We usually don't allow visiting hours this late."
Keith's eyes darted to Nathalie, eerily illuminated by the light from the hall. "I know," he said softly. "I just wanted...well, nights are hard for her."
Unspoken questions dying on Eric's lips, he nodded to the hallway as Keith followed him out.
"So, how is she?" the redhead asked eagerly. "I haven't seen you in a few days to ask."
Eric nodded and hesitated at telling Keith the reason - he was no longer her doctor.
"I know she insists that everything is okay, but I know she is not telling me everything." Keith continued.
Eric fought an internal battle between medical ethics and his desire to answer questions that would haunt him the rest of his days. "Has she not informed you of her medical condition, Mr. Wilson?"
Keith shook his head wearily. "Nathalie doesn't reveal much, Dr. Smitherman. But that doesn't mean she doesn't need me."
Eric fought the surge of sympathy that he felt for this man; a man he had spent countless hours cursing since he learned of his existence. Ruefully, he realized her ability to tell the truth had not improved with time.
"I believe her sister is listed as her next of kin."
Keith's jaw tightened reflexively. "Dr. Smitherman, up until three days ago, I wasn't aware that Nathalie had a sister."
"I am sure t
his has been difficult for you, but hospital policy forbids us from discussing a patient's condition with anyone but the listed next of kin." Eric offered.
Keith sank into the waiting room chair. "Look, I understand policy but you have to understand what it's like to find the woman you love on the bathroom floor and then to be told she has a mass in her brain. I just need to know if she is going to be okay."
As nausea swirled in Eric's stomach he nodded solemnly. "She should be fine." He said gruffly. "We expect she will be fine."
Nodding, Keith kept his eyes glued to the floor, studying the random patterns on the linoleum.
"I've...I've seen her x-rays and they indicate that Ms. Grant has suffered tremendous trauma. You also mentioned that she has trouble at night. Is there," Eric cleared his throat as Keith met his eyes, "is there anything I should know about her medical history?"
In this moment Eric hated himself. He was violating his ethics by using his position to gain personal information about someone who was not a patient. Worse, he was betraying himself by caring.
"I don't know all the details. She doesn't talk about it and the village is very protective of her," Keith relayed as he got a distant look in his eyes. "She has nightmares and cries out in her sleep, or worse, she just dissociates and seems to go into herself. She loses track of time and where she is. Sometimes she's in Chicago, sometimes she's in Africa. Sometimes she's a child in Indiana and has just lost her parents. But then she snaps out of it and she refuses to talk about it. But she's not fine."
Eric unclenched his hand from the clipboard that he had been holding as he struggled to gain control of his emotions.
"So," Keith said tightly, breaking the intensity of the moment. "When do you operate?"
Eric studied the man intensely. "I'm not operating on Nat," he replied.
The familiarity in Eric's tone and the use of Nathalie's nickname triggered Keith's instincts.
"What? Why not?" he asked shortly.
While Eric had bent his personal code of ethics to find out information he felt he was entitled to, he was not a liar. "I have a conflict with her and can't be her physician."
"What kind of conflict? And why is now the first we are hearing about it?"
"Nathalie is aware that I am not going to be her physician."
Keith's eyes turned cold. "She is, is she? Well, you haven't answered my question, Dr. Smitherman. What conflict do you have with Nathalie's case?" he demanded.
Eric knew he was under no obligation to divulge the information Keith requested. But he needed to. Whether because he sympathized with the position the man before him found himself in —knowing nothing about the woman he loved— or whether he wanted Keith to know that he had loved her first, he was unclear.
"Nathalie and I were involved once. I am unable to act as her doctor."
A look of shock overtook Keith's features as realization slowly crept in. ""Involved?" What exactly does that mean Dr. Smitherman? Went on a date? Went steady? Were married?" Keith continued as anger emanated from his voice. "Please fill me in as it seems my girlfriend is inclined to leave me in the dark once again!"
"Nathalie and I were involved for a period of time as residents." Eric said breaking their relationship down to its simplest form, leaving unspoken that she had meant everything to him; that he hadn't been the same since she left and that they shared a child.
"A period of time? I see" Keith replied crisply. "I may not be a brain surgeon but my math puts her residency right before she left for Africa. Would you know anything about that?"
Eric smiled ruefully. "No, Mr. Wilson, I would not. It appears Nat is adept at keeping us both in the dark.
"Yeah," he echoed distantly, glancing back at the room. "It appears she is."
#
"So, are you comfortable with Drew as your surgeon?" Sarah asked as she brushed her sister's hair, soft strokes pulling through the shiny waves.
As had become her new routine, Sarah would visit every day at lunch time and then again after work. Sarah wanted to and needed to spend time with her sister. But she also needed to have a conversation with her - one she had been avoiding.
"I always loved when you did this when we were little. It made me feel safe."
Silence enveloped the two women as Sarah continued her ministrations..
"I hope you still feel safe Nat. "
"I'm trying," she whispered.
"Well, you still haven't answered my question. Are you comfortable with Drew as your surgeon?"
Nathalie opened her eyes and turned around to face her sister. "Comfortable? No," she continued, "I'm sure he'd be just as fine with me dead as he would with me alive. But," she paused at Sarah's evident objection, "as long as he hasn't changed too drastically, his gigantic god-complex won't allow him to let me die. And I do know that he has always been a very talented surgeon."
Sarah paused, unsure of a response. "He is still a very good surgeon," she finally confirmed.
"Is he still a gigantic man-whore?" Nathalie asked, a smile tilting the corners of her mouth for the first time since Sarah had seen her.
"I wouldn't," Sarah paused to clear her throat. " I wouldn't know about that."
"Is he married? Seeing anyone?" She asked curiously, her interest much more ambivalent than when she had asked her sister the same question about Eric.
"No." Sarah said crisply, getting up from Nathalie's bed to pour a glass of water.
"Then I would bet money that he's still sleeping with anyone he can. We always were in awe of how women fell at his feet-"
"Nat." Sarah interrupted.
She carried on. "I never saw the attraction but to each their own."
"Nat!" She said firmly.
"What?" Her green eyes widened at her brusque tone.
"I don't want to talk about Andrew."
"Okay. What do you want to talk about?" Nathalie queried. As she saw shadows descending in Sarah's green eyes, she slowly shook her head. "No." Nathalie whispered.
"Nat, we have to..." Sarah stated calmly, no longer able to live with the lie they had set in motion all those years ago.
Not having slept for more than a handful of hours since Nathalie had arrived at the hospital, Sarah was resolute in her need to tell her that she not only knew where Jack was but had been in an odd, but workable, co-parent relationship with Eric.
"No we don't!" she screamed in reply. "We don't have to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it." She pleaded, her chest heaving as she gulped urgently at the air.
"What's going on?" Keith demanded from the doorway, his eyes taking in Sarah's rigid stance and the tears streaming unabashedly down Nathalie's face.
"My sister and I were just talking." Sarah said, quickly adopting her prosecutor's stance blocking his path.
"Looks like you were doing the talking, Ms. Grant." His eyes reverted back to Nathalie, clearly in the throes of an all too familiar panic attack.
"Nat," Sarah began as she moved toward her sister's bed.
"No!" she screamed, folding her self up into a corner of the hospital bed, shrinking from her approach.
"Ms. Grant, please leave." Keith's tone was quiet and calm.
"What?" Sarah asked incredulously.
"I asked you to leave. Your sister doesn't want you here." Keith stated firmly.
Sarah nodded as Nathalie continued to shake. "Nat," Sarah said softly, tears shinning in her eyes "Nat, I will be back later. I love you."
Keith sat on the edge of the hospital bed and softly stroked Nathalie's hand as her breathing returned to normal.
"You okay?" he asked.
Nathalie nodded mutely as she put her head back on her pillow and closed her eyes, trying to gain control of her breathing. Once again closing him out.
#
"Hey," Eric said standing quickly from his desk as Sarah entered his office. "How'd it go?"
Sarah sat down quietly on the leather couch in his office and folded her hands together. "Where's Jack?" she asked calm
ly despite her heart thrashing against her chest.
"I asked Drew to take him to the cafeteria for ice cream so we could talk."
Sarah nodded solemnly as she met his eyes. "I didn't tell her."
Eric rocked back in his chair as if hit by a blow to his chest. He had allowed himself to hope that after years of denying to the world, and Jack, that he was the little boy's father that things may be starting to change.
When Sarah called him yesterday and told him she was ready to tell her the truth about Jack, he was caught up in a whirlwind of what ifs. While he and Sarah had settled into an uneasy alliance of partnering to raise Jack, Eric had no illusions that Sarah held all the cards in this situation and Eric desperately wanted to claim his son.
"You didn't tell her?" he echoed. "Why?" he whispered, unable to hide his disdain.
"I started to broach the subject and she...she..." Sarah, who made a living at her ability to speak eloquently and passionately, stumbled for the words to describe her sister's reaction.
"She what? She had a seizure?" Eric asked as he clenched the arms of his chair as he began to push himself to rise.
"No!" Sarah assured him as she put a hand out to stay his departure. "No, she didn't have a seizure, I don't know what to call it. I have never seen her act this way, even after..." Sarah halted suddenly.
"Even after what, Sarah?" Eric asked bitterly, knowing with certainty that she would not answer the question. He had asked too many similar ones in the past and gotten nowhere.
As expected, she shook her head in response. "It was almost like she was having a panic attack, I guess."
Eric recalled his conversation with Keith the night before. "Is she okay now?" he asked with air of detachment in his voice that didn't make it to his heart.
"I think so. Keith arrived and kicked me out." She chuckled. "Isn't it ironic, I didn't know he existed till three days ago and he's kicking me out of her hospital room?"
"Yeah, I think he would say the same about you." Eric cracked as he rubbed his hands over his face wearily. "What do we do now?"
Sarah's response went unspoken as Jack and Andrew came through the door with Jack talking excitedly. "And then Darth Vader looks at Luke and goes..."the animated boy stopped midstream. "Hi, Aunt Sarah!"
Long Time Running Page 5
