I can't hide from this much longer -physically or emotionally. Now what?
.
"Now you stay," he said out loud to the book. "Now you stay and tell me you're pregnant. Now you let me watch your belly grow. Now you let be in the delivery room and see our son come into the world. Now you don't run."
Flipping through the rest of the book he realized it was the last entry. There would be no insight into her thought process. Closing the book he tossed it across the room in frustration.
Getting to his feet, he started to pace around the room, nervous energy coursing through him. Could she really have based decisions about their life - about Jack's life - on one silly conversation they had after sex? Was this entire chain of events set in to motion because of something he said? Had she really had such little faith in him?
His anger built at the thought that what had been an inconsequential, throwaway comment - to him - had cost him the woman he loved and his child. How was he to have known she was pregnant when they had that conversation? He had only a vague recollection of the conversation and remembering how it felt to hold Jack the first time, he couldn't imagine referring to him as a nightmare. Jack was precious and Eric loved him with a ferocity he did not know existed.
As he continued pace and thoughts continued like machine-gun fire in his head, a different question popped up. What if it wasn't a lack of faith in him but total faith in him?
She had been the only girlfriend in whom he had confided about the pain of his life growing up - she had been such a soft place to fall for him that he was able to finally tell someone about what it was like to grow up feeling unloved, to always be falling short of expectations. Over the years he had shared so much of his childhood with her and talked openly about all the reasons why he didn't want - couldn't have - children. And then when their friends announced their surprising news he reacted as expected - that it was a terrible thing to become a father if you weren't ready for it or didn't want it. She had believed him to be who he said he was. Nathalie had faith in him, faith that he would hate the idea of being a father, faith that he would say his dreams - their dreams - were dead. He had not given her a single reason to trust that he would react in any way other than how he had said he would.
Blowing out his cheeks, he sank on to the edge of the bed and cradled his head in his hands. If he were being painfully honest with himself - and if ever there was a time for unadulterated honesty it was now - he very likely would have reacted exactly as she feared. Eight years had brought a lot of change to his life and if the man he was today had been the one to be told they were having a baby, he had no doubt that his reaction would have been one of love and excitement. But back then he was incredibly rigid in his beliefs and opinions. There had been little room for flexibility for fear that it would take him away from achieving his goals. Those goals had been his ticket out of his difficult childhood, they had given him entrance into a new world and a new life where he was accepted and appreciated for who he was. He had clung to them like a life raft.
Nathalie would have known that, he realized. She often knew him better than he knew himself and she would have understood what the news would have done to him. And so she did what she felt was her only option - she left. He wasn't excusing her decision - he still had a right to know, but for the first time since he found her three line note he understood. At least a little.
The way forward was crystal clear to him. He put the diary and the photo albums back in the box before returning it to its spot in the closet. Heading out of the bedroom, he grabbed his keys from the hall table and darted out of his apartment.
The walk to Sarah's apartment was only two short blocks. Sarah had told him more than once that she would have preferred if he didn't live as close as he did but it was a deal breaker for Eric.
It was hard enough to pretend he wasn't Jack's father, he wasn't willing to put even more distance between them by living on the other side of town.
Sarah was surprised to find him on her step as she opened the door. "Eric?"
"Is Jack here?"
She shook her head. "He's over at Frankie's playing." The determined look on his face gave her pause. "What's going on?"
"I'm done keeping secrets" he announced. "It's time to tell Nathalie and Jack the truth. And I mean today."
Chapter 13
Visibly stiffening, Sarah tightened her grip on the door handle. "You agreed-"
"I've changed my mind," Eric interrupted, unapologetically. "This can't wait. Jack deserves to know the truth and Nathalie has a right to know that her - our - child is right here and that his greatest wish for his birthday is for his parents to be with him."
She shook her head. "It's....Drew said..."
"Drew was trying to help you out," he stated flatly. "I have waited long enough and I'm not waiting any longer. My son is going to know who his father is. Today."
She narrowed her eyes and fixed him with a steely glare. "I decide what is right for Jack," she reminded him tightly.
Eric shook his head. "Sarah - you may be his legal guardian but I am his father. I am on his birth certificate and, while I never pressed it," he paused "you know as well as I do a DNA test would be all it would take for a court to give me custody." His face softened slightly at the look of anguish on her face. "Look, I appreciate everything you have done Sarah - you have been amazing with him."
"Don't!" she bit out. "Don't thank me like I was doing you a favor!" She paused to quickly swipe the tears from her eyes before they could fall. "I love that child. I have loved that child since the moment I watched him come into this world. Everything I have done has been for him and Nat."
He nodded silently, pained at the knowledge of all he had missed and all she thought she was losing. "I do understand that, Sarah. That Jack is a happy kid is very much down to you." He owed her that much. "But he has parents and it's time for him to know them. And it's time for Nathalie to know that Jack is here."
"Eric....you....you don't know how she might react to the news and what it might do to her before her surgery."
"You don't know how she might react to the news either," he pointed out.
"I do!" she insisted emphatically. "I tried to bring Jack up the other day and she lost it, Eric. She couldn't handle it!"
They stared at each other for several beats. They had never been close but over the years they had built a mutual respected for each other.
"I know you want to think that this is me being selfish." She took a breath to try to regain her composure. "And maybe some of it is. But," she emphasized, "I love my sister. You know that."
Eric shook his head in acknowledgement. He had once believed there were no closer siblings than Nathalie and Sarah Grant. "I know you do, Sarah. But there are too many secrets surrounding us and it has to stop. If Nathalie had trusted me all those years ago-"
"She trusted you would hate her" she interjected. "She was positive that you would resent her and the baby. That's what she trusted."
Like a shot to his chest, her words had the desired effect. Inhaling sharply, he jammed his hands in his pockets as he reflected back on his earlier thoughts as he read Nathalie's journal.
"And I would really like to believe she was wrong." He said emotionally. "But even if she wasn't that doesn't make everything that has happened since okay. This has to stop," he told her emphatically. "I am not willing to be Jack's favorite buddy any longer - the guy that takes him to baseball games to make up for the fact he doesn't have a father. I am his father Sarah and I love him. It's time for him to know that."
"What do you think this will do to him, Eric?" she queried. "To know that all of us - Drew included - kept this secret from him?"
"I agreed to this charade because I didn't have faith in my ability to be a father," he admitted gruffly. "That hasn't been the case for years. You and I both know Jack and Nat deserve the truth, Sarah. Who are we to keep it from them?"
"Sarah," Eric whispered as he reached out to grab her ha
nd. Sarah fought her instinct to recoil at the unfamiliar touch. "You know Nathalie will forgive you. And you know this is right for our boy. He needs to know."
"Alright," she acquiesced softly. She was sure the sound of her heart breaking was drowning out her words. "We can tell her after -"
"No." he said softly as he squeezed her hand. "No more lies. We tell her today." Sarah saw the resolution in Eric's eyes and knew she didn't have the energy - or the right - to fight him any longer. She nodded as she pulled her hand back from his and crossed her arms.
"Today."
#
Staring at the MRI of Nathalie's tumor and plotting out his surgical strategy, Andrew jumped as he heard his name called. Looking up from the light board he was surprised to find Jack standing in his doorway with Linda, his friend's mother.
"Jack?" he asked, getting to his feet. "Are you okay little man?"
"Yeah," he answered, nodding. Dropping Linda's hand he ran to Andrew and hugged him.
"I am so sorry Andrew," Linda apologized. "He and Frankie were playing and then he came to see me and told me it was very important that I bring him here to see you. I tried to call Sarah but didn't get an answer."
"No need to apologize Linda," he replied. "I'm really grateful for you bringing him here. I'll make sure Sarah knows."
"Okay, thanks. Bye Jack."
"Bye" he said, holding Andrew's hand.
Linda pulled the door closed as she left and Andrew led Jack to his couch, sitting down beside him. "Are you okay Jack?"
He bit down on his lip and nodded. "I just....I wanted to see you."
"You did? What's going on?"
Looking up at Andrew with his big green eyes, he answered nervously, "I...I need your help."
"With what, bud?"
"I want to write a letter to my mom" he told him. "For my birthday. I want...I want to tell her that I miss her and ask her to come home."
Swallowing down a sigh Andrew put his arm around him and tugged him to his side. "Oh little man."
"Will you help me?" he asked. "I can't ask Aunt Sarah or Eric but you always said you would help me."
Tilting his head to the side, Andrew gave him a curious look. "I will always help you - you know I will do anything for you. But why don't you think you can ask Aunt Sarah or Eric?"
The young boy paused for a moment before answering.
"Jack?" Andrew prodded.
"Aunt Sarah has been kind of sad lately and the last time I mentioned my mom to Eric he got a really freaky look on his face. I think maybe he doesn't like my mom."
Realizing that nothing escaped the young boy's notice, all he could do was exhale slowly. "Jack, do you know what complicated means?"
"I think so," he answered.
"It means there are lots of parts to a particular situation and it's not always easy to understand them all."
"Eric is complicated about my mom?" he asked hopefully.
Chuckling softly, Andrew nodded. "Something like that."
"So will you help me?" he asked, returning to his original question.
"Of course I will" he told him, knowing there was nothing he would deny the little boy.
"Do you....do you know her?" he asked.
Treading carefully, but unwilling to lie to Jack more than he already had, he nodded. "I do."
"What's she like?"
Andrew smiled and ruffled his hair. "Well, she's smart and funny. And sometimes she can be pretty goofy" he reached out to lightly tickle the boy. And," he continued as the boy's giggles subsided, "I also think she's pretty special - she'd have to be to make you."
Laughing as he pulled his knapsack from his back, Jack reached inside and pulled out his notebook and a pencil. "I don't want to make it a long letter. I just want her to know I miss her and to ask her to come home."
"Okay buddy - start writing and I'll help you with your spelling and stuff."
They were interrupted by a knock at the door. "Come in," Andrew called distractedly.
"Hey Drew, the nurse said I could find you here. I'm getting antsy and was wondering if I could-"
The words died on Nathalie's lips.
Her eyes fell on the young boy seated on the couch with his father's smile and his mother's laughing eyes. In an instant she recognized him. She shook her head, sure she was imagining the sight before her. It was simply not possible to see what she was seeing.
Andrew scrambled to his feet. "Nathalie."
Jack, looking up from his notebook, dropped his pencil. "Mom?"
Chapter 14
Her mouth dropped open and she gasped for air as her lungs tightened and closed. Her knees trembled and her hands shook and she could not take her eyes from her son. He was beautiful.
And as though cob webs were suddenly being swept away her heart started to beat quickly, filled with a love she had been sure deserted her. At the same time anguish, regret and total fear swept through her and while she wanted to step towards him, she could not. Turning on her heel, she fled from the office and took off down the hall.
"NAT!" Andrew cried as she disappeared from the door. Stricken, he turned and looked at Jack who was staring into the space where his mother had just been standing.
"That...that was my mom," he said bewildered. "And she ran away."
Crouching down, he put his hands on Jack's legs. "Jack," he sighed "I know you're really confused right now and we have....we have a lot of explaining to do but I need to go check on your mom. Can you promise me that you'll stay here - right here in my office - until I get back? I promise we will explain everything to you then, okay?"
"Is....is my mom sick?" he asked, looking wide-eyed at his friend.
Andrew nodded. "Yes."
"Are you taking care of her?"
"I am and that's why I need to go see her."
"Okay," he nodded. "I'll stay here."
Overwhelmed at how this child seemed to possess more common sense than any of the adults involved, he kissed the top of his head. "I'll be back."
He walked purposefully across the room and closed the door behind him before sprinting down the hall to Nathalie's room. While he hated the hell his best friend lived through because of her, he also recognized the devastating unfairness of her finding out about Jack like that. She had her own demons, he knew, and this would only make them stronger. Skidding to a halt, he stepped inside her room.
"Nathalie."
With her back to him as she haphazardly threw her clothes into her small suitcase, she shook her head. "Get out" she said flatly.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going home," she replied, still not turning around.
"You are home" he reminded her.
Spinning around, she pinned him to the wall with an angry glare. "That is....that is my son in your office and don't you dare try to deny it," she told him, taking one serrated breath after another.
"I won't deny it," he answered evenly, stepping quietly towards her. "That is Jack - Jack Grant."
Sniffling, she shook her head. "Did you have a good laugh, the three of you? Did you? Poor pathetic Nathalie-"
"No one is laughing Nathalie." Reaching out he touched her shoulder and was surprised at how violently she shook it off. "Let's go back to my office - you can...you can talk to Jack. And I'll call Sarah and Eric-"
"I'm going home" she repeated, returning to her suitcase.
Seeing her still shaking, Andrew tried a different track. "You can't leave, you need surgery."
"No I don't. I.am.going.home" she stated, trying to keep her tears at bay.
"What do you mean you're going home?"
Turning, Nathalie's green eyes danced dangerously as she came face to face with Eric and her sister. Andrew sighed and covered his mouth with his hand.
"Well, well, well" she greeted them sarcastically. "You're just in time for today's floor show! I mean the last few days have been repeats of 'watch Nathalie turn herself inside out with guilt and remorse' but today - today we have a special s
how where our performer discovers she isn't the only secret keeper."
"What the hell did you do, Drew?" Sarah hissed.
"Nothing" he answered tightly. "Jack is in my office and Nathalie came by to see me."
"Shit" Eric said under his breath.
"Natty, I can explain."
"Really Sarah? You can explain? You can explain how I asked you - I begged you - to place my child for adoption and eight years later it turns out you just haven't quite got around to it?"
"It's not like that," Eric offered, trying to diffuse the rising tension.
The unadulterated fury in her eyes caused him to take a step back. "It isn't?" she challenged. "I guess not. I mean we have the caring aunt, the loving father, the doting uncle. Add me as the screw up mother and a laugh track and we have our very own sitcom!" Beads of perspiration pooled on her forehead and her breathing continued in ragged spurts.
"Nathalie," Andrew began calmly. "I need you to take a minute, calm down and breathe. You're going to push yourself into a seizure if you don't."
"Shut up Drew" she hissed before turning her gaze back to Sarah. "I'm waiting Sarah - you said you could explain. You can, apparently, explain how you betrayed my trust. Is that a special course in law school or does it just come naturally to you?"
Sarah flinched at her sister's words and Andrew had to physically stop himself from going to her side.
"I thought you were going to change your mind," she whispered.
"Based on WHAT?" she screamed. "You....you were there!! You KNOW what I went through. You know what it cost me to make that choice! Based on what did you think I was going to change my mind?"
"I...I thought once you got better you would regret giving him up. I was trying to help you."
"HELP ME?" she scoffed. "I told you exactly what help I needed and I thought you were going to provide it. 'Don't worry,' you said. 'I love you Natty and I will help you through this,' you said, 'anything you need' you said-"
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