He smirked. "I'm not sure you're in any position to point fingers about looking terrible."
"D-drew drilled...a hole...in my head. Wh-what's your excuse?"
"I don't want you to be alone," he told her quietly, taking her hand in his.
Scoffing slightly, she shook her head. "It's...it's a little late for th-that." Taking a deep breath, she looked up at him. "I p-pushed everyone away. G-got what I d-deserved."
He closed his other hand over hers and shook his head. "No, you didn't. And it's not too late. You aren't alone Nat - you really aren't."
"Is Jack ok?" She asked, a light sheen of tears shimmering in her eyes.
"He's fine, Nat. He wants to meet you."
She nodded slowly. "I'd like that."
Pausing, he took a deep breath and slowly let it go. Her final thoughts before collapsing still haunted him. Their argument was playing on a continuous loop in his head and he needed her to know how he felt.
"Listen, there is something I need to tell you."
Gradually opening her eyes again, a tiny smile ghosted across her lips. "You w-want your shirt back?"
Chuckling lightly, he shook his head. "Okay, there are two things I need to tell you." Bringing her hand to his lips, he kissed it.
"I don't hate you Nathalie. I don't," he told her emphatically. "And us...being together," he sighed, "us making l- being intimate, it wasn't revenge or exorcism or payback. I wanted to be with you. You weren't the only one who needed to be whole again and you did that for me. Touching me, kissing me, being with me - I felt whole."
Asleep again, her breath echoed in the room. Eric smirked to himself before dipping down and placing a lingering kiss on her forehead. "Sleep Nathalie," he whispered. "You aren't alone and you are loved."
Chapter 19
As she reviewed the file in front of her for the tenth time, Sarah sighed heavily. Her boss had been incredibly understanding of her sudden need for time off but afraid of falling behind she had been bringing files home with her to keep up. The only problem was she was so distracted by everything that had happened she was finding it impossible to concentrate. Pulling the glasses off, she tiredly rubbed her hand over her face.
"Aunt Sarah?"
Opening her eyes she was surprised to find Jack, dressed in his Spider-Man pajamas, standing in front of her trailing his blanket behind him. A quick glance at the clock showed that it was near midnight.
"Jack, what are you doing up? Are you feeling sick?"
Shaking his head, he climbed on the couch and curled up against her. "I couldn't sleep."
Closing the file, she tossed it onto the coffee table before sliding and arm around him and kissing the top of his head. "You're thinking about your Mom, aren't you?"
He nodded.
She gave a small smile. Jack was very much like his mother. Even as a child Nathalie would always take things in, mull it over and then react to it. Sarah had been the one with the hair trigger reactions and it had taken her years to learn how to restrain herself. Stroking his hair, she looked down at him. "What are you thinking about?"
"Do you....do you think she knows it's my birthday next Friday?" he asked.
"I know she does" she reassured him.
"She never sent me any cards or stuff," he said sadly. "How do you know she remembers?"
Her heart cracked just a little as she tugged him closer to her. She had been so sure of her decision when she brought him home from Africa. By bringing Eric into his life, she had ensured he would have contact with a least one parent, even if Jack didn't know it was his father. But now she was beginning to wonder if she hadn't done more harm than good. She wouldn't trade a single moment that she had spent with Jack for anything but maybe, just maybe, Nathalie had been right.
"I know because I was there with her in the hospital when you were born and she was so happy to meet you Jack. She held you and cuddled you and covered you in kisses. She would never forget that day."
He pulled at his bottom lip as he contemplated her answer. "Why did she stay far away helping people instead of being with me?" he asked, looking down at his lap.
This was the question Sarah had always dreaded. It was true that she had seen how much Nathalie had struggled in the first few weeks after the fire but then she had returned home. When her sister had called and told her that she needed to give up Jack, she had immediately returned to Tanzania with a plan to talk her out of it. When she got there it was evident Nathalie was not the same person she had been - she was listless and withdrawn. Despite Sarah's multiple attempts to draw her out, Nathalie would not expand on what happened to her. There had never really been secrets between the two of them but there, in so much pain, her sister was closed off. So while she understood Nathalie had experienced a terrible tragedy, she truly didn't know all her reasons for giving him up and now she was expected to explain it to Jack.
"Jack, your Mom got sick when you were really little and she couldn't take care of you. So she asked me to come and get you and to take care of you until she was better." It wasn't the whole truth but she didn't feel that Jack needed to know Nathalie's original intentions and it certainly was not her place to tell him.
"But you said she was working."
"She was," she nodded, "but she still wasn't well enough to take care of you."
"Is Drew making her better?" he asked nervously.
Sarah smiled. "Yes he is and in a few days your Mom will be strong enough to see you and I'll take you, if you want."
"I'd like that" he told her. "Aunt Sarah?"
"Yes?"
"Even after I meet my Mom will you....will you still be my best pal?"
Sucking in a breath, she willed herself not to cry. Wrapping her arms around him she hugged him tightly and kissed the top of his head. "You better believe it Jack. For ever and ever."
#
Eric slid a coffee across the desk to Andrew. They hadn't really had a chance to connect since Nathalie's surgery and while Eric had so far resisted the urge to pepper him with questions or ask to see her chart he did want to hear any details Andrew had yet to share.
"Bribery?" Andrew asked, gratefully accepting the coffee.
Eric shrugged. "More like a very weak thank you."
"Dude, I was doing my job." Glancing at his watch, he gave him a curious look. "You're here awfully late."
"I was just going to swing by and see how she is."
"She's sleeping and she's as fine as can be expected. Why don't you go home and sleep in your bed instead of the chair in her room."
Seeing Eric's look of surprise, he shook his head. "Oh don't play innocent with me. Even if I hadn't found you there more than once, the nurses have and you have become quite the talk of the floor. They all think they've figured out why you're still single and they are giddy over the return of your great love."
"They should spend more time doing their jobs and less time gossiping about me," he sniffed, playing with the lid of his coffee cup.
"Imagine the tizzy they'd be thrown into if they knew you were sleeping with her."
Eric's head shot up and he glared at his friend. "I don't know what-"
Andrew gazed levelly at him. "Don't even try to deny it" he told him evenly. "She was wearing your t-shirt when she came in. And I guess it makes me wonder what the hell you were thinking?"
"I don't answer to you" he replied sharply.
Andrew shrugged and took a long drink from his coffee. "I suppose not but Eric someone needs to call you on your shit and that's what I'm doing. You have done some stupid things in your day but sleeping with her has got to top the list."
"First of all," he began angrily, "her name is Nathalie not 'her'. Second of all, don't you dare tell me that being with her was stupid. Because we both wanted it-"
"Wanting it is not the issue Eric. Anyone who knows the two of you knows that you have some kind of intense connection. When you two are in a room together, everyone else ceases to exist. The issue is where the two of you are
right now and quite frankly, where Jack is. That kid is having his world turned upside down and his parents need to figure out how to coexist and not let any of their crap land on him."
"Are you done?"
"Not even close. Nathalie is so incredibly fragile Eric - you can't yank her chain for sport or to get back at her."
"I'm not doing that!" he protested.
"Not to mention," he continued, ignoring the protest, "you have been carrying the damage of her leaving for years and to just jump back into bed is a bad idea."
Seething, Eric slammed his fist against the desk. "You have no idea what you're talking about!"
"No?" he shot back angrily. "Who cleaned up your vomit after the three week bender you went on the last time she left? Who would pour you into bed and listen to you beg for her to come back?" he paused to take a breath as Eric lowered his eyes to again focus on coffee cup. "Besides, if everything is so peachy between you two then why were you arguing?"
Exhaling slowly, he slumped into his chair. "I missed her, okay?" he admitted. "I missed kissing her, being with her and for just a little while I was able to forget all the crap and remember what it was like to love someone. It may have been dumb but I won't apologize for it."
"Eric, you need to be careful. There are enough land mines around the two of you to blow up a small country. You need to look out for yourself and for Jack."
He sighed. "I'm trying, really Drew I am.
"I believe you, I'm just trying to look out for all of you. Despite what you think, I don't want Nat hurt anymore that she obviously has been." Taking another sip of his coffee, he studied him for a moment. His friend was at once conflicted and peaceful, if that was even possible. "When are you going to tell Jack that you're his Dad?"
He shook his head. He had been so single minded before Nathalie had come face to face with Jack and now he was not as sure. He wanted Jack to know - he needed to tell him - but he wanted to make sure the timing was right for all of them.
"I'm not sure," he finally answered. "Maybe next week before his birthday. And I guess Nat and I need to figure out what's next - I mean what if she wants to go back to Tanzania? I can't...I can't lose Jack after all these years."
"And what about Sarah? Have either of you thought about what all this means for her?"
Eric looked at his friend carefully. "I don't know Drew, it seems like you are doing enough thinking about Sarah for all of us."
"Bite me" he shot back. "I mean it Eric. You may not have always agreed with her but she did bring you into your son's life. And while you and Nat are celebrating being united with your son, she is going to lose him. And you both need to be careful of that - of her. She's sacrificed a lot."
Leaning back in his chair, Eric gave a small shake of his head. "When did you become Sarah's biggest supporter, Drew?"
Andrew's eyes clouded over. "I'm not. But that doesn't mean I'm cold hearted either."
"Wow." Eric drawled slowly. "All these years, I always thought the chill between you was dislike. I never stopped to think it could be covering an attraction. Just how long have you been carrying a torch for Sarah Grant?"
"I don't know you're talking about."
"Have you kissed her?"
"It's none of your business."
"So you have kissed her! And you say it's none of my business but you're giving me the business about my sex life. Interesting."
"We aren't talking about me - we are talking about you and your incredibly dysfunctional life."
Ignoring his protests, Eric continued. "She's not an easy woman, Drew. She's emotionally shut off from everyone with the exception of Jack and Nat. Are you sure you want to be the one to try to break down those barriers?"
"Eric, you really have no idea what you're talking about." Drew stated coldly.
Seeing the subject was closed, Eric picked up his coffee and stood up. "We aren't talking about you right now but we will. This subject isn't closed. I'm heading out - thanks....for taking such good care of her."
"I promised her I would," he answered. "Go get some sleep okay? Nathalie's not the only one with a long road ahead of her."
Chapter 20
They always came for her when she slept - the images, the sounds, the sheer terror. It mattered little where she was, they always seemed to find her and just like that horrific night years ago, she would fight for control, fight to end it all somehow. Her arms would flail haphazardly as she tried to bat away the memories that threatened to swallow her whole. It wasn't just that she remembered, it was that she re-lived it every time.
She rolled in the bed, her eyes clenched shut as she tried to block the pictures from her brain. Whimpering, she called for Jack. She always called for Jack. The moment of total panic that set in when she realized he was trapped in her burning house never left her. The twinges and pains caused by the scar on her back served as a reminder of the cost of her neglect. Struggling to free herself from the grips of the nightmare she clutched the sheets tightly with her fingers and groaned. Feeling a hand on her shoulder she tried to escape its grasp, not wanting to be caught. It wasn't until she heard her name in that familiar rich baritone that the horrors started to recede into the darkness.
"Nathalie!" Eric called to her, gently shaking her shoulder.
Her eyes flew open and for a confused moment she scurried away from him as far as her i.v tubing would let her, rolling herself into a small ball in her bed as she continued to whimper. Her chest heaved as she struggled for breath.
Cautiously, he reached for her hand and rubbed his thumb along the palm. "Nat, you're okay" he reassured her. "It's all right."
Her eyes were glued to his as she gulped air. Finally recognizing where she was, she exhaled slowly and let go of his hand. "Wh-what time is it?"
"Late," he answered, still sitting on the edge of her bed.
"How late?" she asked.
"About two a.m."
With some effort she pulled herself to a sitting position and gave him a curious look. "Wh-why are you always here at night?"
Her voice was quiet but her gaze unwavering. She had not told him but on more than one occasion she had woken up briefly to find him, generally asleep, in the chair across from her. She was confused about his feelings and his actions and didn't see any clarity coming.
The apples of his cheeks were tinged red. "Because...because Keith said you had a hard time a night." Reaching to the nightstand, he passed her a glass of water.
Smiling ruefully, she gratefully accepted the water and took a sip. "Poor Keith," she said softly. "I don't think he slept through the night more than a couple of times when we were together."
He tilted his head to the side. "How often do you have them, the nightmares?"
"Almost every night."
"Have you ever considered seeing someone about them?"
"Eric, I live in Tanzania, in a village. There isn't a surplus of shrinks to be had. Besides," she added quietly, "I'm not sure there is any way to get rid of the images in my head."
"Nathalie, you're shivering."
"It always happens, it'll pass," she told him, pulling the blanket tighter around her as she wrapped her arms around her knees.
Watching his face she could see the conflict on it. She still knew him well enough she understood he was torn between wanting to ride to her rescue - as impossible as that was - and letting her sort it out for herself. She could only imagine the dichotomy she presented to him - the woman he had loved and the woman he no longer recognized.
"You don't understand why I gave him up, do you?"
He hesitated before answering. Taking her hand again, he held it softly in his own.
"I understand what happened to you was incredibly traumatic but if I'm being honest..." His voice trailed off. "If I'm being honest," he continued, "then no, I don't really understand it."
"I didn't think so" she said sadly. Quiet for several minutes, she pulled at the imaginary threads on her blanket. Swallowing thickly, she raised her ey
es to his. "That ni-" she paused to take a breath as the emotion threatened to overcome her." "That night, I...I forfeited my right to be a mother - to be Jack's mother."
"Nathalie-"
"He nearly died because of me Eric," she said softly, tracks of tears trickling down her face. "He nearly died."
"You saved him!" he insisted. "And nearly lost your own life," he added with equal emphasis.
She shook her head. "I was supposed to protect him, that's what mothers do but I didn't. I...I was a doctor first and that choice nearly killed him. That's why I had to give him up," she said emphatically, oblivious to the steady stream of tears. "Don't you see? I don't deserve to be a mother."
"Oh my god" he whispered. Moving to her side, he gathered her in his arms, holding her tightly. "Nathalie"
Unable to hold back the pain any longer she melted into him, allowing her tears to rain down on his shoulder. "I was so busy trying to save my neighbors and my f-f-friends," she cried, "that I forgot to save him. My first r-r-responsibility was to him and I failed him. I didn't p-put him first."
Her entire body shook with sobs as he held her to him. He kissed her temple and whispered reassurances. Her pain was total as it spilled out of her. They lay back against the pillows and he brought her head to rest on his chest, his fingers threading softly through her hair.
"You didn't fail him" he told her quietly. "Nathalie you didn't. You saved him."
She shook her head slightly. "I shouldn't have had to save him though" she protested. "I left him alone Eric. I left him alone and anything could have happened to him. They could have....they could have done to him what they did to the others. There....there was so much blood. When I....his cry sounded like screams. I would look into his crib and I would see terrible, terrible things - limbs, mutilated bodies. I was paralyzed by it all. I couldn't pick him up, I was afraid he would disintegrate in my hands." Her chest heaved again as the weight of what she had survived pressed against her. "I was being punished and didn't deserve him."
Eric was quiet for several minutes as he tried to take it all in.
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