"I can't imagine being in that situation" he began quietly. "But we have been trained in triage Nat - we've had it drilled into our heads how to assess the situation and then prioritize.. That's what you did. Jack was safe when you left him and you went where you were needed most. Your life was in danger and yet you still tried to help. That is courageous and not something to be punished for."
"It doesn't feel like that. It feels like I've failed on the biggest of scales."
"Oh babe," he sighed. "You didn't fail him - or yourself."
She was silent for several minutes as her breathing slowed. "The day I found out I was pregnant, I was amazed to discover that I was already in love with him."
Feeling him rubbing her back, she exhaled quietly. "Even as much as I loved you, it was different. It was this instantaneous need to do whatever I had to do to protect and care for him."
"And you did, Nat. You did protect him."
Nathalie snuggled in closer to him, her shivering beginning to abate from his warmth. She could hear his heart beating and pressed her ear closer as though the rhythm of it would steady her.
"I'm afraid to meet Jack," she admitted.
Still softly stroking her back, Eric pressed another kiss to her head. "Why?"
"Because....because he should hate me. He should hate me for abandoning him. How...how will I ever explain any of this to him?"
"Do you love him Nathalie?"
Sharply sucking in a breath, she nodded. "God Eric, more than anything. There's a hole in my heart from missing him." And you she thought, though not ready to repeat her admission of love.
"Then that's why he won't hate you" he rationalized. "Nathalie, he's going to have questions and you'll - we'll - do our best to answer them. But he will know after a minute in your presence that his Mom still loves him and that will be enough to get him through the rest. And you," he added.
"How have you explained my absence?" she asked softly.
"That you loved him very much but were unable to be with him because you were helping people."
Tears filled her eyes at the generosity of that statement. "Thank you." She whispered as quickly wiped the tears away. "I know a seven year old has a limited grasp on biology but did he question why his mother was gone but he was living with his father?"
Silence enveloped them for far too long at her question. "Eric?" she queried as she raised up to meet his gaze. The sheer pain on his face took her breath away. "Baby?" she asked urgently as she framed his face with her hands.
"Jack..um," he paused to clear his throat. "Jack doesn't know I'm his father."
"What?" she gasped. "Why?"
"Oh, Nat," he whispered as he pressed his forehead to hers. "All I ever wanted was to love you forever. How'd this get so complicated?"
"What's the line? Life is what happens when you make other plans?" she smiled ruefully as she settled back against sensing that this time he needed the comfort.
"Sarah really was sure that you were going to come back in a few weeks. In the interim she wanted me to be with Jack but wanted to protect you at the same time. In her mind, it would be in Jack's best interest to have me in his life but in your best interest for no one to know I was his father."
Nathalie digested that information for several minutes as all of the arguments she had constructed for leaving eight years ago came back into the forefront. Did he feel trapped by being a father? Did he want an easy way out if the commitment got to be too much?
"And you agreed to this?" she asked evenly.
"Yeah." He said gruffly. "I did.. But not for the reasons you think."
"Did you become a mind reader while I was away?" she asked softly.
She had wasted so much time - and so much love- in making wrong assumptions. She was determined not to do it again.
"I am a brain surgeon," he said with a smile in his voice. "And I used to know you really well."
"Yeah, you did."
Nathalie had learned that people had to be willing to reveal their secrets and tell their truths in their own time. As much as she wanted to know why Eric had agreed to keep Jack's paternity a secret, she needed him to be willing to trust her to reveal the truth on his own terms.
An intimate silence again enveloped them as she wound her arms around Eric's waist in a silent show of support.
"At first," Eric's deep voice finally pierced the silence, "I was in shock. Sarah presents this infant to me with no warning. I had so many emotions at war when I first met him - fear, awe, anger."
Nathalie's heart ached when she contrasted the joy and love she felt the first time she met their son with his pain and betrayal.
"Once I got used to the fact I was a father, I was really fearful of being a dad. You know I don't have the best relationship with my parents. I guess...I guess I was afraid the maybe you were right to leave. Maybe I couldn't do this." His voice trailed off at his last statement.
Nathalie turned suddenly to meet his gaze. "Eric, I know you will never understand why I did what I did but I need you to understand this one thing," she stated emphatically. "My leaving was never, ever because I thought you wouldn't be a good dad. I knew better than anyone the capacity for love you have." She paused to wipe away the solitary trail of tears that had fallen from his clear blue eyes. "I knew, if you allowed yourself, you would be an amazing dad. I just didn't think..."
"That I would ever allow myself?"
She nodded silently as she fit herself back into the warmth of his body. They lay in the dark quietly both lost in thought of all that had passed between them and the possibilities of what lay ahead. Neither was quite ready to declare their feelings for each other out loud without reservation but they both knew they were exactly where they wanted to be.
"I have to ask you something," Nathalie said, breaking the silence.
"What?"
"Did you...did you take me to bed for revenge or as payback or something?"
Sliding his thumb under her chin, he tilted her head upwards and softly, slowly kissed her lips. "No" he whispered. "I was with you because I wanted to be with you. In spite of or because of everything I wanted to be with you." He searched her eyes. "Do you believe me?"
Nodding, she stole the briefest of kisses before laying her head back on his chest. "Can I ask you one more thing?"
"Why stop now?" he said playfully.
"Did you really hate me when you found out about Jack?"
"I could never hate you, Nat," he said softly as he pressed a kiss to her hair. "And I did try."
"Will you stay until I fall asleep?" she asked.
"I'll stay as long as you want me to."
Chapter 21
Having just completed a short walk down the hall and back Nathalie sank into the chair beside her bed. When she woke up she had found Eric gone but he had placed the brown bunny in her arms to keep her company. She had expected to feel regret and shame for what she had admitted but instead she felt relief. And love.
For so many years, since giving up Jack, she had been lost. Unsure of who she was or what she was supposed to be doing she had thrown herself into her work hoping against hope that things would start to fall into place. They never did. Who she was seemed to remain just out of reach for her and she had resigned herself to being permanently lost.
Last night, in his arms, things started to come into focus. Her fears remained but for the first time in a long time she believed a sense of peace was possible. Eric had not felt sorry for her, he had not pitied her; rather he had encouraged her to remember the woman she had been. Her nervousness at meeting Jack was still present but her desire to see her son again was gaining ground on her anxiety.
She tried to understand everything he had shared with her in the protective cover of the darkness. It pained her greatly that Jack did not know his father was Eric. And yet at the same time she was overcome by love for her sister who had sacrificed so much for her. How Sarah had handled this had not been what she wanted but as the song said, sometimes you do
n't get what you want, you get what you need.
And what she needed was her family. She loved Tanzania , loved the work she did and the friends she had made but her heart lay where it always had been, with Eric and with Jack. While she was under no illusions that they would all be one big happy family immediately, she wanted to try. Second chances came along so rarely and having one, being able to learn from the choices she had made, was an invaluable gift.
Reaching behind her neck, she unlatched the locket and opened it. Only Sarah knew what was in her locket, she had guarded its contents as closely as she had guarded her heart. Neither action had left her fulfilled or comforted. It was Jack's birthday at the end of the week and as she thought back on those moments just after he entered the world, where he squirmed on her chest, she knew she could not let another moment pass. The time had come for her to stop closing herself off. It was time to take a leap of faith.
Picking up the phone, she dialed her sister's number.
"Sarah? It's Nat. I ...it's time for me to meet Jack."
#
"You okay?" Andrew asked as Sarah emerged from her office. "You seem pale."
"I'm fine" she said hastily, tripping on the edge of the rug and falling towards him. Catching her, he righted her on her feet but did not let go, gently wrapping his arms around her waist.
"You don't look fine."
"Nat wants to meet Jack," she whispered as she averted his eyes.
Exhaling deeply, he pulled her to him. In a testament to how shaken up she was, she did not try to pull away. "This is the next step. You know that," he reminded softly.
Sarah nodded silently in agreement as she allowed Andrew's warmth and strength to envelop her. She found him addicting which was a large part of the reason she fought him at every turn. Now she didn't have the energy.
"I know...and I am happy for both of them. It's just..." she trailed off.
"Hard?" he finished for her.
"What's going on?" Eric interrupted, not commenting on the sight before him.
The sound of his voice had Sarah pushing back from Andrew and both stepped back as though the other was white hot.
Eric smiled to himself as he watched the awkward exchange and cocked an eyebrow at his best friend.
"Jack ready?" Andrew deflected.
"Hey Jack!" he called down the hall, "let's get a move on buddy or we're going to miss the first pitch!"
"So, what's going on?" Eric repeated.
"Nat wants to meet Jack, tomorrow," Sarah said quietly, sinking into the couch.
"That's good" Eric replied, looking at her evenly.
"I don't know if he's ready," she answered.
"I am ready" Jack replied, stunning the three adults. "I wanna meet my Mom - for real this time."
"Those are some pretty big ears you have on you little man," Andrew drawled.
Reaching up and touching his ears, Jack rolled his eyes at his friend. "My ears aren't big."
Having gathered herself, Sarah held her hand out to her nephew. "Jack, I want you to meet your mother too but I want to make sure the timing is right for both of you."
Taking her hand, he climbed on to the couch and sat down beside her. "I don't wanna wait any longer, Aunt Sarah. It's my birthday in four days and you always say I can have whatever I want and I want to meet her. I want her to wish me happy birthday. Please Aunt Sarah? I don't wanna wait."
Eric's eyes misted over and he walked clumsily to the chair in the far corner and sat down. Just when he believed he could not love his son more, his heart expanded.
"I know Jack," Sarah told him, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. "I keep forgetting what a big boy you are now."
Jack looked up at her hesitantly. "I also want my dad to wish me happy birthday," he blurted.
A stunned silence fell over the room. Sarah and Eric exchanged panicked looks.
"Little man?" Andrew asked as the only one capable of speech. "Do you know who your father is?"
He nodded. "I think so," he said softly. "I think....I think my father is Eric." Turning to look at him, he was confused by the tears streaming down Eric's face. "Are you my Dad?"
Chapter 22
"Are you my Dad?" Jack asked, looking nervously at Eric.
Eric's throat seemed to close over the answer he desperately wanted to shout. He had waiting so long to tell Jack the truth but the moment he could - the moment it counted - his fears and insecurities seemed to rise again. His eyes darted nervously to Sarah, whose eyes begged him to tread carefully, and Andrew, whose eyes begged him to tell the truth, until he finally looked at Jack's rich green eyes. His mother's eyes.
Eric couldn't have lied if he wanted to. His eyes were filled past the brim and he knew the answer was written on his face. It felt as though the universe was holding its breath as it waited for him to say out loud what he had screamed with love and pride in his heart.
"Yes," he rasped. Clearing his throat, he tried again. "Yes Jack. I'm your Dad."
The young boy slid down from the couch and sprinted across the room, launching himself into Eric's arms. His tiny arms wrapped around his neck as he hugged his father tightly. Unable to stem the tears any longer, Eric let them fall unabashedly as he kissed his cheek.
"I love you Jack," he whispered.
"Eri- um...should I call you Dad?"
Swiping his tears away Eric flashed what he hoped was a reassuring smile. "Do you want to Jack?"
He paused for only a moment before nodding. "Yeah, I do."
"Okay."
"Are you complicated about me?"
Doing a double take, Eric shook his head. "What, what do you mean?"
Shoving his hands in his pockets he looked over his shoulder at Andrew and Sarah before looking back at his father. "Drew told me that you were complicated about my Mom and I was wondering....maybe you didn't tell me you were my Dad because you're complicated about me?"
Exhaling slowly, he pulled his son on to his lap. Seeing Sarah about to speak he gave an imperceptible shake of his head. This was his son, he wanted to be the one to explain things to him, he wanted to start to build - or rebuild - the trust.
"I'm not complicated about you Jack," he began softly. "I love you very, very much."
"Then why didn't you tell me you're my Dad?"
"We didn't think your Mom was going to be sick for so long. We thought she would get better quickly and if she did that you would go back to Africa with her. Your Aunt Sarah and I decided it would only confuse you if that happened."
"Oh" he replied quietly. He pulled on his fingers but made no attempt to get down from Eric's lap.
"Do you....do you love my Mom?"
"Jack!" Sarah admonished.
"What?" he asked innocently.
"It's okay," Eric assured him. "Your Mom...she...." He cringed inwardly.
He knew how he felt about Nathalie and after lying in bed with her last night he was sure of her feelings as well. And yet to say it out loud - to tell their son - seemed impossible. Taking a deep breath, he tried again. "Your Mom is very important to me" he said finally. "She is an amazing, kind woman and she matters to me very much."
As Jack scrunched up his face at the answer, Eric chuckled to himself; it was the exact same look Nathalie had given him hundreds of times when she thought his answer was strange.
"So you're still complicated about her?"
Smiling, he ruffled his hair. "Yes, I'm still complicated about her." His heart felt lighter and fuller in the last five minutes than it had in years. "Do you have any other questions Jack?"
"Does this mean I live with you now?"
Andrew winced slightly at the way Sarah gripped his hand. Placing his hand on her arm, he rubbed it softly as he silently tried to telegraph his support.
"I think," Eric began looking over at Sarah, "that you should stay with Aunt Sarah until you meet your Mom and we all figure out how this is going to work. But," he carried on seeing the protest on Jack's face, "we will do it together, you inc
luded. Does that sound okay?"
"Yeah." Kneeling up, he hugged Eric again. "I love you....Daddy."
"Drew?" Jack called from his father's lap.
"Yeah bud?"
"Are you my uncle?"
Tilting his head to the side, he gave him a curious look. "No Jack, I'm not. Why do you ask?"
He shrugged. "I just thought it would be cool if we were all one family."
Andrew smiled at him. "We are family bud - just different." Looking at Sarah, he glanced back at Jack. "But we love each other all the same."
Not sure of what to do, Sarah got to her feet and brushed down her skirt. "It looks like you guys missed opening pitch."
"That's okay," Jack said. "Hanging with my Dad is better than any Yankees game."
Sarah swallowed thickly and walked to the bookcase, pretending to straighten the already perfectly straight books.
"Why don't we order a pizza and the four of us can have dinner and watch a movie?" Andrew suggested.
"Sure" she replied brightly. "I'll go to the kitchen and call."
She scurried from the living room and headed around the corner. Once in the kitchen, with her hands braced on the counter, she sucked in a sharp breath and tried to swallow down her tears. She knew this was how it should be but she couldn't help but feel as though she was being left - again. She clenched her eyes shut as she felt Andrew's arms slide around her waist from behind; she stiffened.
"We can't do this Andrew."
"Yes, we could," he disagreed gently, without removing his arms, "if you'd let me. But, in the meantime, you are someone who needs a friend and I don't see a long line up of people looking to fill the role."
It was a minute before she let herself relax. Once she did, she turned in his arms and molded her body to his lean form. As much as she fought it, it always felt right. "I don't mean to be such a bitch."
"I know," he whispered.
"I'm scared."
"I know."
Out in the living room, Jack sat tucked up next to Eric measuring his hand against his father's.
"Are we going to meet my Mom tomorrow?"
"Yes. Are you excited about that?"
"Yeah. Do you think she'll like me?"
Long Time Running Page 15
