The Last Human

by T F R LeBoomington

  “Rick that’s not funny! And you know I can’t let you break your contract. You don’t want to fuck with the Agency or the Council for that matter.”

  “I thought you were my friend. And I’m not joking. I am dying. Maybe not right now, but I will at some point. This contract is murder. They are killing me, and you are letting them.” OK, that was a bit dark.

  Brock seemed a little hurt by that last one. “I am your friend, but that’s beside the point. It’s my job to keep you safe and get you to your gigs. You turn on the Agency and Council and no one will be able to keep you safe.”

  “So you work for the Agency then, and the Council, you serve their interest. My life is meaningless to you beyond a paycheck. You’re just a tool like that psychiatrist and Barry that fucking jewbot cunt. All tools used to keep me in check.”

  “Listen, both Barry and I have your best interest at heart.”

  “Fuck you, it’s my best interest within the parameters of your best interest. I want to be free, I want to be me, I want to change. Everybody in this world can, but not me. That’s not right!” Rick slammed his fists on the table “My body is my own… I should be able to do what I want with it.”

  “That’s not for me to decide. I’m not the one who got into this insane contract and got to live the high life for ten years and now wants out. And I thought we had a good thing going...” Trying a bit of reverse psychology.

  “Shut up you big fat pussy. My emancipation and our friendship could work great together. You could be my bodyguard lover while we travel through space with our enemies hot on our tails.”

  “Fuck you, funny man. And anyway you wouldn’t be able to afford me without the Agency lining your pockets.”

  “I have some money saved…” Rick lacked confidence. He knew his voice had betrayed him.

  “Amy? How much does Rick have saved?”

  “Amy don’t you answer that shit! It’s confidential! Fuck you, Brock!” Rick got up, grabbed another rum bubble and sucked it up. “Fuck you I’m leaving.” He threw the crumpled up bubble on the table and stormed off. “Amy come on! Let’s go whoring.”

  Rick expertly fell-slid his way down the stairs, then stumbled across the bar, knocking down tables and trays and bouncing off a few dancing couples. The second bounce sent him into the pond where the flamingos and monkeys played. Rick tried to get away from them. Laughter began spreading from table to table. Rick glared in Brock’s direction. A couple of girls had already joined him. Brock attracted the ladies like shit attracts flies. They couldn’t stay away from him. He was quite famous, being the Last Human’s bodyguard for a decade was a pretty big deal. And he’d been Rick’s bodyguard in movies and TV shows. He mostly used his fame the same way as Rick. For preferential treatment and getting laid.

  Fuck'N'Fight

  Rick found himself buzzed and propped up against a wall. It was dark and hot, and it sounded like everything was far away. He needed to get laid, his hormones were going crazy. He was horny. Really horny. He’d told Amy thirty times in ten minutes. Hopefully, she'd take him where he needed to be. Amy was a great wingman, she fired up her tractor beam and captured Rick’s head. He loved that. However poor his attempts at walking were, he couldn’t fall. This way she could keep him straight and lead him to his destination. It was a common sight in the pits. AIs leading their drunken humanoids from place to place, like drunk dogs on a leash. This only became a problem if the AIs were also wasted, but they had safeguards.

  Amy knew how to handle Rick, she had his back, always. They even had sex once. Amy wanted to know what it was like with a human and Rick is down for anything at least once. They’d rented a blank android body and Amy had transferred to it. Then they’d done the deed. Rick had found it great, and Amy seemed to have enjoyed it. She’d told him it was great and they joked about it often. Rick knew it couldn’t have been that great. He was only human. Amy had a small collection of bodies at home. She just used them for sex and often commented on the epicness of the act with cyborg and mutant super-gods. Rick had never understood why she only used the bodies for sex. She said she just preferred her cubic body.

  Rick felt depressed suddenly. The reasons were so many, he was the world’s village idiot after all, but right now it was that no one had ever described sex with him as epic. It was becoming unbearable to be ignored, chastised or laughed at every time he tried to bring anything up. Thankfully, Amy helped him get smashed and laid. It helped with the pain and loneliness, but this would no longer do. Something was burning inside of him. Rick was done being a good puppet, he was done playing. Starting tomorrow. Tonight Rick was going to play some more, he needed it.

  People mostly just had sex for fun now. Rick found that agreeable. Without religion, people had moved beyond their ancestral shame. Reproduction had been redefined as the merging of two or more people. Couples, or groups even, designed their offspring which were grown in artificial wombs or assembled.... They came out perfect every time, and no more nine months of inconvenient sobriety. Seemed like a win-win to Rick. Few could afford it, but flying superhuman demigod children were an option. If Rick ever convinced someone to merge programming with him, he’d be getting one of those superman kids.

  Sex was for fun, and nobody had crazier sex than the cyborgs. Well, maybe the post-birth mutants. Rick saw these guys lurking in the pits. People who chose to be modified after birth to look different or weird, usually weird. Transhumans had taken on every shape and form they could imagine. Often inspired by Manga. These days’ people could just walk into a morph clinic and go “I’ll have a couple of tentacles, some wings and maybe some dicks here and there, thanks.” It all fascinated Rick. It didn’t arouse him. He just found it interesting. From a scientific point of view.

  Cyborgs knew how to party too. Rick had seen guys with rotating dildo wheels for genitals. People were installing mad contraptions in place of their parts, and the use of artificial skin and sensors meant they could feel it just like a human would, or more if they cranked the sensitivity up. So it was great, but instead of humans, people were turning into cocktacle dildo monsters for the night... Good times. Rick liked to watch, but he'd never considered partaking in live-action tentacle Hentai. It was a bit much even for him.

  Gender was beyond fluid now, beyond gaseous; it was ethereal. People could wake up and go to sleep having switched genders a few times. Rick wanted to try it someday.

  Amy picked Rick’s favourite for the night’s entertainment. She said he needed to get hard in every sense of the word, and this was the right place to do it. Maybe banging a girl while watching two demigods kick the crap out of each other would trigger massive hair growth on his balls. Maybe even give him the strength to reclaim his life. If he remembered anything whenever he came out of his daze. Rick had sobered enough to realise where he was. “Fuck yeah! Fuck’N’Fight! Fuckin’ love this place! Boom! Amy, I love you!” Rick was trotting to his room, Amy released the tractor beam and let him go.

  The main event was about to start. The arena was massive, but people in the stands were still hit by stray fireballs, and they loved it, like getting soaked at Splash Mountain. The arena was overlooked by a large Ultraglass dome adorned with charred spots and blood spatters. The glass screened hundreds of rooms with couches, beds, chairs, fuck swings, dildo wheels and whatever delights, tortures or comforts patrons might be seeking out. The show was going to be grand, it always was.

  “It’s room 144.” Rick rejoiced. He loved that room. It had an excellent view, and boring crotchless chairs most didn’t find fun. As a result, it had seen less action, and shining a black light in there would be less traumatising than say, any other room.

  The fight hadn’t started yet, and Rick was hurrying to his room. They entered the booth and he ran to the chair like a giddy child. “Rick is in the house! Let’s get this motherfuckin’ show started!” A waiterbot entered the room with a rack of bubble cocktails. Rick inspected the choice. “Boom!”

  Amy was projecting t
he courtesan selection onto the wall, Rick took a gander. He stopped Amy on a petite human-looking girl. "Make sure she’s sentient! Fucking a soulless robot is like masturbating, I can do it at home”, Rick laughed. Amy not. He told her she needed to relax knowing full well it would annoy her slightly more.

  The fight was about to start. Rick grabbed a bubble and an edible straw, the cocktail bubbles were sweet. He smacked his lips with delight as he got comfortable. He peered down at the fighters, both were obviously cyborgs. Rick turned to Amy. “So what’s the deal?”

  “The guy with the white and gold kimono and golden hair spikes is called Goldku. He’s from Zero City 11 in Japan. He’s a mutant with cyber implants including super speed actuators and muscle accelerators. Twice the menace. And he can shoot fireballs out his right arm. A single punch from him would explode your skull and send fragments across the sea to France. Oh, and he can also fly and levitate.”

  “Awesome! What about the other the guy? With the cape?”

  “He calls himself Uberman. He’s from the Berlin zone in Zero City 3. Same deal. Super-mutant-cyborg that can fly and levitate and can shoot laser beams out of his eyes. He could kick your nuts right up through your mouth and out to Luna.” Amy’s digital display lit up with a great big smiley face. Rick knew, she too loved seeing demigods get it on. Filthy little AI is probably horny too.

  “Oooh yeah, this is going to be a good one.” It was hard to follow the fights, those guys moved fast. Rick loved it anyway, it reminded him of watching Anime as a kid, and Amy recorded the fights and then projected slow-mo bits for him while doing a sportscaster's voice.

  The fighters bowed without breaking eye-contact, the moment they were up straight, it was on. Both opened up with ranged attacks, firing laser beams and fireballs while dodging away. They pushed off against the back walls dashing towards each other to exchange lightning-quick blows. Combos of kicks, knees, punches and elbows. Relentlessly they blocked and struck each other, occasionally finding an opening. The speed and precision were dizzying for Rick. He could see flashes of action every time the titans made contact. Beads of blood and sweat flew out in circular shockwaves. Then Uberman seized an opportunity and flew above Goldku to unleash beam after beam on his staggered opponent. Goldku dodged the first few but was forced to block when he ran out of arena. People cheered as skin sizzled and metal scorched. Uberman raised his arms, and the crowd cheered even louder. At that moment Goldku seized his chance, he fired a barrage of fireballs and dashed towards his opponent. Uberman barely had time to block the fireballs before the follow-up fury. The crowd went wild. For a few minutes, they floated in the centre of the arena exchanging flurries of blows, their guards breaking more and more often as evidenced by the increasingly frequent spurts of blood.

  Rick’s eyes were glued to the fight when he noticed the girl’s reflection as she came in. She was beautiful, long flowing blonde hair and crazy tattoos telling some sort of story. She looked human, but flickering lights beneath her skin betrayed her cybernetic implants. That was probably her real skin though. And her real breasts and her real vagina. All very important to Rick. She gracefully made her way towards Rick and Amy, who were both too engrossed to pay her much attention. The girl picked up a yellow-green cocktail bubble and approached Rick.

  “Good evening sir, I am Lula, at your service.” Lula handed Rick the bubble and waited for him to take the drink. Rick was not acknowledging her, the two fighters were still in the middle of the arena exchanging some of the most brutal blows he’d ever seen. Amy was going on about the shock waves and slow-mo, and stuff Rick just had to see. “Sir, I am Lula, at your service.” She was a bit louder and insistent this time around, and Rick turned.

  “Amy, keep watching and recording that shit.” Rick looked up and down at Lula and then sucked his bubble dry before grabbing the one Lula was holding. “Thank you, Lula.”

  “You’re welcome, sir.”

  “You can call me Rick.”

  “You’re welcome, Rick. Now, what can I do for you Rrrick.” She rolled the Rs on the second Rick and leaned in closer gently rubbing her breasts against him. Amy let out a gasp, and he turned back to the fight. The fighters were on the ground facing off about twenty feet from each other, panting heavily.

  Rick turned back to Lula and stood. “Yeah just get to work on my dick and balls”, he expertly dropped his pants and sat back down into the chair. “Amy show me some of those super slow-mo shock wave replays.” Lula did not like that.

  “Excuse me SIR, but if you’re going to be rude, I might as well just send a hooker bot.” Lula was backing up, and if the next sentence wasn’t perfect she’d be out the door, and it’d be synthetic pussy for Rick.

  “Wait! I’m sorry, you’re right. Let me try this again.” Rick stood, his package hanging loose. “Kind lady of the night I am currently enjoying the climax of this fight between titans and was wondering if you could find it in your heart to pleasure my sensitive areas so that I too may climax. After which I promise to be more giving in our exchange and my little floating companion will surely find a way to reward such cooperation on your part.” Rick offered a half-assed bow and his finest smile.

  “That’s better.” Lula seemed amused; also she had to know who he was. Banging a celebrity was always good for someone’s rep.

  Rick watched some slow-mo replays with professional commentary courtesy of Amy, and he got an expert blowjob courtesy of Lula. The fight started again. There were no rounds, but fighters were quite civilised. They took little breaks when one or both were tired. And then started punching each other in the face again when they were both good and ready. This was such a time.

  Goldku and Uberman gave each other the slightest of nods and got back to it. Fireball here, laser beam there, punch in the face, spin kick to the side of the head, now he’s behind, kidney punches, grab the arm and flip him, then knee in the sides. Basically an epic fight, both fighters going toe-to-toe the whole way. But guards were down, hits were getting sloppy. Someone else was struggling to keep it together. Tingles in his body, legs going straight, toes extending. Then both fighters went at each other full speed, flying-punch-to-the-face move. Double knock-out. The crowd went mental.

  Rick exploded of joy in more ways than one. What a sick fight. Pretty good blow job too. Rick sniggered to himself. He was happy again, granted it didn’t take much and it was fleeting. But he was happy in this moment, and that was the only way to be happy. Which is weird, could someone be happy everyday but overall have a miserable life? Rick didn’t care, he wanted to ride the high. He banished his dark thoughts and focused on his company. He said some charming stuff to Lula who was paid to pretend it was the most charming shit she’d ever heard. Then they had sex. Once. It lasted a while longer than it usually did, Rick was on good form. He loved it and thought it was great, Lula was paid to tell him it was great. Once the deed was done Lula hung around for a bit, they had some drinks and watched some other fights. There was a clown fight going on when their attention turned back to the arena. Funny, but savage. Painting a giant hammer with bright colours and flowers didn’t make it less brutal.

  “So what’s it like being the Last Human?” Lula had asked the question everyone asked, whether they meet him in person or he’s giving an interview. Always that same question. I don’t know! What’s it like not being human?

  “I guess being alive is being alive, so it probably feels the same for everyone. But if you’re asking what it feels like being a human in a world of superhumans. Well, I can tell you that sucks massive hairy cheese balls.”

  “But what about being the most famous person on Terra?”

  “I’m famous but not for the right reasons. I’m kept as a comedy sideshow, a reminder of why mutants and cyborgs should be happy.” Rick got up and held up imaginary puppets. “Here look at the monkey dance, look how he is inferior, look how technology has made us better, all united against the human, now laugh at the monkey, look at him, laugh, just...” Rick slumped
into the chair.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “It’s fine, it’s not your fault.”

  “For what it’s worth I think you’re funny.” Lula smiled at Rick, it seemed genuine.

  “Thanks. I think I’m going to go now.” What goes up must come down. “Thanks for the great evening.” Lula bowed gracefully and exited the room as quietly as she had entered. Rick sighed and looked down at the two clowns beating the crap out of each other with their oversized hammers. He turned to Amy.

  “I want to escape Amy. I want out of this life.”

  “I know. Let’s do it.”

  “I’m afraid. And even if I get what I want... I don’t know what I’d do with my freedom.”

  “We do what you said earlier. We go to the Moon and then Mars. We do your bucket list.”

  “I was just trying to get under Brock’s skin with that.”

  “But it’s true enough, isn’t it? So let’s make it real. Let’s do your bucket list.”

  “The Agency will never let me out of my contract.”

  “Well let’s get a meeting in with Barry tomorrow and see if we can’t change the Agency’s mind.”

  Rick and Amy left their room and made their way back into the narrow dark tunnels of the pit. Rick was feeling a little better, at least now Amy was on board, and she’d help him. Not being alone was nice. A group of youths approached down the narrow tunnel to the bar. Mutants. These guys were fresh, they were just getting started, and people coming into the pit are usually the polar opposite of people leaving the pit. The corridor was narrow, even in the darkness they would recognise Rick. He would have to be face to face with each of them as they squeezed by. Sure enough, they recognised him.