by Staci Hart
He kissed her.
But the world didn’t end, though Gambit nearly died, and Rogue tortured herself. She’d learned his secrets, secrets she would rather not have known, and when they finally came back together, he asked her to enter his mind again, so she would know his truth. No more secrets. No lies. They could leave the past behind them and move on, together.
But she couldn’t do it. Wouldn’t risk him. So she left him.
They were pulled together and apart, time after time, again and again. I’d never forget when he asked her to trust him, even though she had no reason to. He said he’d make it right the second he was able. Told her that her heart meant more to him than his own.
I knew just how he felt.
She’d haunted my dreams. Lived in my thoughts all day. I wanted to call her. I needed to see her. But I’d resigned myself to wait. There was no way to reach her, and I had to believe she would come to me when she was ready.
I wondered where she was, what she was doing. Wondered if she’d been thinking about me all day, wishing things were different. It’s all I’d done since I walked away from her.
At least I had a cabinet full of scotch to help me pass the time, to help me forget.
I sighed and stood, my body stiff as I made my way into the kitchen for a scotch bottle that wasn’t empty. My hand was on the neck of the lucky bottle when the doorbell rang.
My heart stopped. Maggie.
I set the bottle down with trembling hands, walked to the door in a haze, my neurons firing with a billion thoughts at once. What I’d say. What she’d say. How I’d feel. I could see her in my mind, angry, happy, sad, hurt.
I opened the door, and my heart fell.
West fumed in the entry, jaw set, eyes hard.
I squared my shoulders, dropped my chin. “Did your fist have more to say?”
“She’s gone, and it’s your fault.”
I blinked, shook my head, wondered if I’d heard him right. “What do you mean, she’s gone?”
“She left. She went home.” He pulled a letter out of his pocket and shoved it into my chest.
I took it and unfurled it, feeling her presence in the curve of the letters as West brushed past me and into the room.
I’m so sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused. If I had stayed home where I belong, no one would have gotten hurt. I’ve been selfish at all of your expense.
I’m going back to Jackson to sort myself out. Lily, I’m sorry that I asked you to keep my secret from West. West, I’m sorry we lied to you. And Cooper, I’m just sorry.
I just hope you’ll all forgive me.
—Maggie
“Fuck.” I ran a hand through my hair as I stared at the letter. “How … have you talked to her?”
“I called my dad as soon as Lily showed me the letter. They found her bag at the shelter, and she picked it up and went straight to the airport.”
I walked to the bar and dropped into a seat, my eyes still on her words.
“What did you do to her, Cooper?”
“I just wanted to be with her.”
“Bullshit. She didn’t leave town because you care about her.”
The look I gave him must have gotten to him because he shifted, looking uncertain.
“Then why?”
I shook my head, not knowing where to even start. “Jimmy.” I ran a hand over my mouth. “He sent her that fucking box and knocked her out of orbit. She asked me for time to sort through it, but she came here yesterday and needed me, then turned around and treated me like a mistake. I couldn’t fucking do it anymore, West. I couldn’t go on having her one minute and losing her the next. This isn’t some one night stand. This isn’t a fling. I love her.”
He eyed me. “Do you mean that?”
I didn’t answer, just met his eyes and breathed.
“How the fuck is this possible?” West rubbed his forehead. “How the fuck are you telling me right now that you’re actually in love with my sister? When did this happen?”
“It’s been happening for weeks. Since before that, even.”
His eyes narrowed. “Since when?”
I took a deep breath and told him. “Since her wedding night.”
His fists clenched by his side, ears red and lips tight. “You fucking took advantage of her on her wedding night?”
I put out a hand. “Calm the fuck down, West. Are you listening to anything I’ve said? Anything? I wouldn’t take advantage of her. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her because her happiness is more important than my own. I’ve never felt like this … you know I don’t … I can’t …” I couldn’t even bring myself to say the words, so I took a breath. “Maggie is a singular event in my life. I want her. Forever.”
He shook his head. “I can’t fucking understand this. Does she feel the same way?”
“She said she did. We were going to tell you together when we came back from the Hamptons—”
He groaned. “Of course she was with you.”
I glared at him. “Is this really the worst thing that could happen? I didn’t fuck her and bail — I didn’t break her. I’m trying to help put her back together, for chrissake. I love her. I want to help her. What the fuck is the problem here?”
West was quiet for a moment, still angry, but he’d heard me that time. I took the opening.
“You know I’d never do anything to hurt you. I’d never do anything to jeopardize our friendship. Ever. I wouldn’t risk it unless I had no other choice. And I don’t have a choice, not when it comes to Maggie.”
He watched me.
I watched him back. “Do you believe me?”
His fist clenched again. “Yes.”
“Can you stop eyeing me like you want to hit me?”
He took a heavy breath and rubbed his face as if he would wipe the look away. “I need a drink.”
“That I can do.” I got up and poured us each a scotch.
West took his and sipped it. If it hadn’t been a three-hundred-dollar bottle, he probably would have slammed it.
I took a sip of mine and leaned on the counter. “Is she okay?”
He sighed and took a seat at the bar, looking tired. “It’s hard to say. She wasn’t busted up or crying or anything, which somehow makes me worry about her even more. I don’t know. We didn’t talk for long, and she wouldn’t talk about you at all, past apologizing for keeping it from me and asking Lily to get in the middle of it.”
“So you found out about Lily, huh?”
“Yeah, I didn’t handle that well either.” He took a drink and sat down. “I snapped at her and blew out of there. I was just so fucking pissed and shocked and … I don’t know. I hate that she kept that from me, but I get it. Y’all had me pegged right.”
“We didn’t want to tell you until we were sure we wanted to be together. I can’t say it was innocent from the start, because deep down, that first night, I knew. I just knew it was more than that. She needed me, and I saved her the only way I knew how.”
He nodded at his drink with a sigh. “I’m sorry I punched you.”
“I’m sorry I fucked your sister.”
He glared at me.
I smirked. “Too soon?”
West snorted and brought the glass to his lips. “It’ll probably always be too soon for that.” He knocked it back.
“So what now?”
He sighed. “I don’t know. I think we’ve gotta leave her be. Let her figure it out on her own. Be there if she needs us.”
I took a drink, hating the plan and knowing he was right. “I’ve got to at least apologize.”
“What for?”
“Chasing her. Pushing her. Trying to force her hand.”
He shook his head. “You can try to call her, but I don’t know if she’ll talk to you.”
“I don’t either, but I have to try.”
“Maybe sober up first. Don’t waste your only bullet because you’d been drinking scotch for …” he sniffed, “eighteen hours.”
I chuc
kled. “Probably wise.” My smile fell. “Do you think she’ll come back?”
He shook his head and sighed. “I don’t know, man. I hope so. I really do.”
CHANCES
Maggie
I TURNED THE PAGE OF Stardust the next day as I sat stretched out on my window seat. Our cocker spaniel Betty lay in my lap, breathing deeply as she slept.
Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.
I looked out my window at the red maple that was taller than the house, watching the helicopter seeds spin to the ground.
Just one heart in exchange for another. It seemed so simple, honest and easy. But it had to be equal. And whenever, however could you know that the person you gave yours to would care for it as they would their own?
I let out a breath, and my phone rang next to me. Betty’s head snapped up, her eyes still sleepy, and she looked around for only a second before dropping her head back in my lap with a huff.
My fingers went numb when I saw it was Cooper. I blinked at the screen for a moment, not knowing what to do. Knowing I was almost out of time to decide as it rang again. I took a breath and answered.
“Hey,” I said softly.
He was silent for a few seconds. “Are you all right?”
The sound of his voice nearly broke me. I closed my eyes and laid my head against the wall. “Not really.”
“I’m sorry, Maggie. For everything.”
“Me too.”
“I shouldn’t have followed you.”
“No, you shouldn’t have.”
“I just couldn’t let you go. I couldn’t let it end there.”
“I know.” I had no other words.
Silence stretched between us, and I could feel his questions. “There’s so much I want to say, and I feel like I shouldn’t say any of it.”
I looked out the window, wiped an errant tear from my cheek. “I can’t do this right now.”
“It doesn’t have to be complicated, Maggie. Just tell me that you believe me. Tell me that you want me.”
I do. “I can’t.” I pursed my lips to stop my chin from trembling. “I can’t say the words you want to hear, no matter how much I want to. I spoke too soon once, and it hurt us both.”
Silence.
“I’m broken, and I don’t want to hurt you again. The only answer I have right now is time.” Tears burned my eyes.
He drew a heavy breath. “Are you coming back?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, let me know when you figure it out, okay?”
The seeds spun to the ground like tiny ballerinas. “I will.”
The pause was long, heavy with things left unsaid. “I meant what I said about being here.”
“I know.”
When he spoke again after a moment, his voice was tight. “See you around, Mags.”
“Goodbye, Cooper.”
I set the phone down, swiping at the tears on my cheeks, wishing things were different. But I was where I was because of the choices I’d made. It was my own fault.
Betty looked up at me.
I cupped her muzzle. “How about a walk, Betty-girl?”
Her ears perked up, nub wagging.
“Yeah, I could use the fresh air too.”
I slipped on a pair of flip flops, trotted down the stairs with Betty on my heels, and grabbed her leash from the hook in the entryway, trying to push everything away, leave it up in my room. As if I could turn my problems into a place. An object. Something tangible that I could bury or smash or drop into the ocean to disappear forever.
But that wasn’t how it worked. I just didn’t understand how it did work.
I clipped on Betty’s leash, and we took off, heading for adventure in the form of rogue squirrels and interesting smelling grass. Something about being outside made me feel a hundred times better — the sky, the trees, the air — even though it was already unbearably humid. My hair was so out of control, I looked like I was part sheep, and I started sweating the second I stepped through the door. But with me and Betty out walking through the neighborhood like independent women, I felt more like myself.
We rounded a corner, and I nearly ran into Courtney Dixon. She looked borderline ridiculous walking her dog in full-on workout gear, one of those fancy, expensive brands that suburban women wore to Whole Foods and Starbucks even though they probably didn’t even sweat in them. I knew her workout included exactly this — walking her dog through the neighborhood, trolling for boys, using her own ass as bait. She’d been doing it since we were thirteen. Her dark hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail, and her Rottweiler, Tank, had gotten himself all tangled up with Betty.
But neither one of us cared that our dogs looked like a jumbled-up knot of fur and leash. Because one of the last times we’d seen each other, she was in the middle of getting nailed by my fiancé.
Reasons why I hate living in my home town, number two. Number one starts with J and ends with bastard.
Her cheeks flushed. “Maggie? What are you doin’ here? I thought you were in New York?”
Surprisingly, I found my voice, and I didn’t sound like a mouse. “Came back to see Mom and Dad.”
“How are they doin’?” She flipped her ponytail and smiled, trying to look casual. She was nervous as hell. The thought gave me comfort.
I smiled, going for polite, which was hopefully the fastest way out of the conversation. “Oh, they’re great.”
She avoided my eyes, turning to her dog. “Come here, Tank.”
She bent, trying to unwind his leash from around Betty, who stood under Tank’s legs, panting. Betty flopped down on the ground on top of Tank’s leash, and I’m pretty sure she smiled at me.
Courtney glanced up at me. “A little help, Mags?”
I knelt down, smiling. “C’mere, Betty.” She hauled herself up and relocated at my feet. I unwound the leash and looked up to find Courtney watching me, worrying over her bottom lip.
“I’m sorry I haven’t called.”
I stood up a little straighter. “Don’t be. I wouldn’t have answered if you had.”
She wound the leash around her hand, watching her fingers. “I’m sorry for what we did, and all.”
That numb feeling crawled through me like it always did. “I can’t tell you it’s all right.”
“I know. It’s just that … I … I’ve missed you. It’s been hard without you here, without you in my life.”
My brow furrowed, eyes narrowed. “Are you serious?”
She looked like she’d been slapped. “Of course I’m serious. We’ve been best friends since we were in diapers.”
“Yeah, until you fucked my fiancé. On my wedding day. You made that choice, so I’m real sorry that you miss me and all, but maybe you should have thought about that.” I shook my head at her. “I can’t even believe you right now, Court.”
Her brow dropped, cheeks red. “Jimmy’s a whore, and he always has been. He would have fucked anybody — it wasn’t just me. He slept with half of Madison County, for God’s sake.”
My chest was on fire. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
She hung a hand on her hip, shaking her head. “I’m just saying, Maggie. It wasn’t personal.”
I could barely breathe. “Not personal? What universe do you live in? That is absolutely the most personal it could have gotten. I saw your backstabbing vagina on my wedding day, and it was full of dick. My fiancé’s dick.” I took a few steps away. “All that just goes to show that you were never my friend. And if you hadn’t been fucking him at our wedding, it would have been a year from now, five years from now. I’d rather know that you were a traitor now than later. I mean, how long’s it bee
n going on? Were you giving him blow jobs behind the bleachers in high school? On the stacks in college?”
The look on her face kicked me in mine. It was true. But I just shook my head at her. She couldn’t hurt me anymore, because she wasn’t real. From her hair color to her lip gloss and fancy yoga pants. From the look on her face to her dirty heart. I’d always tried to see the good in her, just like I did Jimmy. Just like I did everyone, until they hurt me and I ran away. They’d made a fool out of me, took advantage of my willingness to trust them. I believed they were better than that. But I was wrong.
I shook my head and let out a breath as I backed away. “You were never my friend, and deep down, I knew it all along. You’ve always known exactly how to make someone feel like a fool. I just didn’t expect you’d do it to me. But you know what? It makes perfect sense. You two deserve each other.”
Her lip curled. “Ugh, bitch.”
I turned and walked away with my heart pounding, feeling a few inches taller and a little more together, wondering if my problems weren’t more tangible than I’d realized.
Cooper
Three days. Three days since I’d heard her voice. Three days of deafening silence.
I’d woken up from a dream yesterday, heart clanging, sweat beaded on my forehead, missing her. Wanting her. All I wanted was to lie in my bed in the dark indefinitely. But I didn’t. I peeled myself out of bed and took a freezing cold shower. Walked through the park to try to find some peace, hoping the sunshine would burn away the thoughts of her.
It didn’t work.
I came home and sat in my living room, watching the city through my windows as the sun set and the city lights blazed, with nothing but a bottle of scotch and memories of her to keep me company. It was the same place I found myself now, the next day, watching the grey clouds roll by, the rain that intermittently fell through the day, streaking my windows, blurring the city beyond.
